Split of bills / joint finances

[Springbaby2023]

Didn’t really know what to call this thread but basically looking for advice and thoughts on how me and my partner split finances.

We’ve always been on pretty much equal pay. My salary is higher, but he gets PIP which brings his monthly take home in line with mine. So we each put the same amount into a joint account each month to cover all bills, food shopping, holidays etc. Then we have the same amount leftover for personal spends.

Last year we both got a promotion and remained on similar money. However mine was just temporary and from October I’ll move onto my old salary which is around £300 a month less.

I think that at this point I should start putting £150 less into the joint account and him £150 more so we stay have the same money left over for our personal spends.

Alternatively he could start overpaying our joint mortgage (I have £19k more invested in him in the property and he’s keen to pay that off so we have a more equal share).

However, as we get closer he’s started to show signs of not being happy about this. He’s arguing that we should look at gross not net pay as I pay much more into my pension - my argument is that I’ve taken a pension break for our two kids so if you’re going to go down that route then we need to work out how I’ve much I’ve missed out on then, which all just gets a bit ridiculous.

AIBU to expect him to pay more into the joint account when he is taking more money home?

Obviously if I was to get a better paid job we’d adapt it again then and continue to work it out proportionately, likewise if I was earning more than him I’d expect to contribute more.

I should also add for context I work part time. If I was to work full time we’d probably be back to having a similar income, we’d then need to pay for an extra day of childcare.

I would pay proportionally to take home pay. Provided neither of you have done anything like buy an apple watch from your salary.

Do it if he's going to be an arse about it

Proportional to take home pay.

If he wants to top up his own pension too, he can.

If your promotion can be made permanent with going full time, do it.

For how long did you take a pension break? I would not have made that choice as that puts me at a disadvantage later.

You might as well just have a joint account and each have the same amount of free spending money? What's mine is yours etc?
Obviously don't do this if the relationship is rocky. If you got married, would you keep everything separate?
The house equity is a separate issue I suppose. You both need to maximise your pensions (state and private). Presumably most things you spend on benefit the family unit as a whole so maybe seeing it as a whole rather than separate pots of money would remove some of the resentment.
If you are working part-time to facilitate cheaper child care and he earns more because he gets PIP or similar , you are both doing what is best for your 'family'.

Who pays for things the children need? Who pays for food? Are these expenses all from the joint account?

@excab the majority of our money goes into the joint account, from October I will have £300 personal spending money and he will have £600 (appreciate we are in a fortunate position at the moment to have that!)

I’m working part time mainly by choice to have an extra day with my sons while they’re young.

@PaigeMatthews yes all food, kids clothes, days out, holidays, take aways etc from joint account. Pension break was for the statutory period of Mat leave, probably six or seven months the first time. I can still buy it back this time.

Isn't PIP meant to cover the extra cost of being disabled - why are you including that in his income?

The PIP is gor his extra costs so shouldn't be counted really unless his disability costs extra in elec or heating or something

@MykonosMaiden I guess because we jointly pay for things like a cleaner and dog Walker etc which help with him being disabled.

Work it out so you’re each left with the same amount.

So if he was able bodied you'd split the work and not pay for those?
I agree you should have the same personal spends and he shouldn't be quibbling over pension. But you took a short break - so while it's silly to calculate how much you missed, you're obviously going to more than make up for it if you upped your pension contributions for a longer time say 2 years.
Whose idea was the pension break - was it because you didn't have enough saved up for 'your half' of maternity leave? Or did he not contribute?
If you went FT and paid for childcare would your income increase overall? You say 'PT by 'choicr' which means that you prefer time with your kid over the money?
There are too many things here to unpick

you should each end up with the same amount of discretionary money

you absolutely should be making up your pension payments from maternity

This is what I was trying to say and make decent pension provision for you both rather than buying lots of unnecessary treats.

@MykonosMaiden yes he’d obviously be able to help with walking the dog and do cleaning if he wasn’t disabled so we wouldn’t pay for those. And arguably be on a higher income. Yes I didn’t pay back my pension after Mat leave as I couldn’t afford to, he wouldn’t have contributed, it wasn’t even a discussion

Have you considered that there are massive beneficial inheritance tax reasons for getting married? It affects more people than it was ever supposed to and the family home passes without inheritance tax being payable between married spouses. Then everything can be joint too without friction.

@excab i think we both already have decent pension provisions but if he wanted to pay more into his that would be fine, the issue is he wants to keep the extra money for just general spends I.E beer and nights out

@MykonosMaiden the PIP is a moot point to be fair, he agrees it’s fair to count it towards his income and we’ve always done it that way for the time we’ve been together

@excab yes we’ve definitely considered that and probably will at some point but haven’t got round to it yet to be honest

Well you are both entitled to downtime away from the kids if it is at all possible. Compromise is the order of the day. He wants to go out 4 times a month, say, well no twice for you both each would work.

Fair enough if things that he needs are taken from the joint pot

He is supposed to help you pay your pension while on maternity. It doesn’t just come down to you being able to afford it or not. Same with your regular living expenses. You are on reduced income because of a shared child. A partner is supposed to share that financial burden.

Partner, so you're not married? Downsizing your career for the kids without being married was unwise. Would he get married/have a civil partnership? Because if not you need to be getting back to full time work.