Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Feeling sorry for myself - even though it's self inflicted

35 replies

gladysdog · 11/06/2023 13:38

Hi everyone

I am having a miserable Sunday afternoon feeling sorry for myself. Before I get shot down... I know that what I am about to describe is purely self inflicted. I also know that I don't have much to actually worry about and that I am am lucky to have what I have BUT I am only human.

My sister has a big birthday next year and we had talked about all going away on holiday together. She wants to go on a cruise and we just can't afford it. For out family of 4 we would be looking at not much change out of 10k which for us is totally unobtainable. We tend to go abroad every couple of years but spend about a third of that.

I so want to go, but It's just not possible. We both work full time but we are currently paying off debts due to us being total dickheads with money throughout our twenties and thirties.

I am normally quite upbeat about it all - we have a house ( mortgaged), a car each and a full fridge. We pay our bills without any real stress but we just don't have enough to fund lots of luxuries. I accept that, but today I feel down and sorry for myself.

dh is upset that I am upset and is trying to look for solutions. He gets a bonus of about 5k next year and has suggested that we use that an borrow the rest to go on the cruise... but I just can't do that. Despite me wanting to go, I think that would be totally irresponsible.

Just wanted to offload a little

Thanks

OP posts:
HappyHolidai · 11/06/2023 13:40

Talk to your sister and see if she would consider a holiday that everyone can actually afford to go on. It's pretty insensitive of her not to think about this, but if she hasn't you need to gently make the point.

Radyward · 11/06/2023 13:44

could you both work a few extra hrs a week to go towards the cruise??
I am totally against borrowing for holidays as it must take away from the actual enjoyment of it !! your DH sounds lovely and wants you to go .
I do think its a huge ask of a family member to spend that kind of money on a birthday celebration . its similar to having a wedding in st lucia and expecting all family to go .

NoSquirrels · 11/06/2023 13:45

Actually, not many families could drop £10K on a cruise for someone else’s birthday, debts or no debts.

Tell her you can’t afford that but your budget is £4K tops for your family (or whatever you think), so what else might be possible?

Honestly, it’s not your fault, self-inflicted debts or not. Your sister might dream of this cruise but she doesn’t have to make it the one thing everyone does - you could get an amazing villa somewhere for a fraction of the cost, and she can go cruising with just her family.

Flowersun6 · 11/06/2023 13:45

I wouldn't ask your sister to change her holiday.

Perhaps you could do a holiday just you and your sister for a few days and not the whole of your family to save money.

Diorinthecountry · 11/06/2023 13:46

Have you looked at the same holiday with different agents to get different prices. 10k is a lot for a cruise. We are going on a cruise round the med for two weeks next April with a balcony room. 2 adults and a teenager for £3k.

There are ways to cut costs on cruises such as getting a inside cabin and not buying wifi, drinks package etc.

Personally I would go on the cruise and see what I could cut back on/sell to fund it.

drpet49 · 11/06/2023 13:46

HappyHolidai · 11/06/2023 13:40

Talk to your sister and see if she would consider a holiday that everyone can actually afford to go on. It's pretty insensitive of her not to think about this, but if she hasn't you need to gently make the point.

Um no. It is the sisters big birthday and she is entitled to whatever holidays she wants. Why should she scale back her plans because of OP being shit with money???

NoSquirrels · 11/06/2023 13:50

drpet49 · 11/06/2023 13:46

Um no. It is the sisters big birthday and she is entitled to whatever holidays she wants. Why should she scale back her plans because of OP being shit with money???

Show quote history

Depends if she wants the dream cruise, or a holiday where they all go, her sister included. Some people would be happy to change their plans to include their lives one, some would want the experience instead, both are fine decisions to make but it’s worth OP finding out, surely? Either way she’ll have to say she can’t afford a £10K cruise so a conversation will happen one way or another.

HappyHolidai · 11/06/2023 13:51

@drpet49 because she might be a kind person or she might want her family with her? Concepts alien to you, I assume.

@gladysdog I am a sister and have more income than my siblings. If I were to suggest a Big Family Trip for a big birthday I would absolutely not expect them to spend money they didn't have. I would find something I wanted to do which was affordable, or just change the plan and go away on my own so no one else's budget is impacted. I'd be horrified if my sibling were considering getting into debt to do my choice of expensive activity.

Babyroobs · 11/06/2023 14:07

10 K is an insane amount for a cruise. If she really wants you all to be there she needs to arrange something within everyone's budget.

FishOnABicycleMadeForTwo · 11/06/2023 14:10

HappyHolidai · 11/06/2023 13:40

Talk to your sister and see if she would consider a holiday that everyone can actually afford to go on. It's pretty insensitive of her not to think about this, but if she hasn't you need to gently make the point.

So the birthday girl shouldn’t get to go on the holiday she wants, because op & DH have been poor with money in the past?

Op fwiw I think it’s very sensible to resit doing as DH suggests. YANBU to feel down about it all but paying everything off, rather than adding to the debt, Will feel a lot more amazing than a cruise.

HappyHolidai · 11/06/2023 14:17

@FishOnABicycleMadeForTwo er, no...

Perhaps you didn't read my second post above. I was assuming the sister is a nice and kind person. Something you presumably wouldn't know about.

rookiemere · 11/06/2023 14:19

I can't see the harm in discussing other holiday options. A shared villa for example or 4-5 star AI booked well in advance would be around £5k .
I'd only spend £10k on a cruise if I had money to burn and you clearly don't.

fireflyloo · 11/06/2023 14:20

We've booked a p&o cruise for July 2025 and it cost £2k for 2 adults and 2dc. Leaving Southampton and going to Spain and Portugal.

WateryDoom · 11/06/2023 14:23

I'm sorry you are disappointed, and I do understand - but I don't know ANYONE who could afford a £10k holiday, ever.

It's a huge amount of money, and fair enough if your sister wants to do this. But it's utterly unrealistic for most of us.

Whataretalkingabout · 11/06/2023 14:25

Dear OP, 10k is alot of money to spend on any trip, let alone just to please someone else. Is that what you and your DH really want to do? Go into debt for a holiday? That is nuts!
Personally a (family) cruise would be my idea of hell! Put your own needs and desires first.
Your DH is a keeper!

Mumof1andacat · 11/06/2023 14:28

That's a lot for a cruise. We are booked for May half term and is costing 2.3k for 3 of us. She is expecting too much of people.

windmill26 · 11/06/2023 15:44

Tell your sister that you can't afford the cruise. Take her out for afternoon tea or a nice dinner if you want to treat her for her Birthday .I think it is selfish when people expect others to spend a huge amount of money to celebrate them...big Birthdays and Weddings included. The 5K bonus should be used partly towards clearing the debts and partly put into a rainy days account . Don't spend it on holidays etc. and certainly don't get into more debt to go on a cruise!

Tippingadvice · 11/06/2023 19:38

@gladysdog £10k on a cruise is quite a lot.

I am assuming 2 balcony cabins on possibly a long haul destination.

I can understand you are shocked by the price and also you don’t want to put yourself. How old are your DC? Is there a broad bullet list of requirements e.g. cruise line, duration, rough destination (med/Caribbean/Antarctica etc?)

With these details some posters may be able to suggest ways to make it more economical.

Noicant · 11/06/2023 19:43

I could afford a 10k cruise, like fuck would I actually pay for one. Honestly if my sister said she couldn’t afford my ridiculous birthday plan I’d change it. I’d rather she was there than not. Talk to your sister about it.

Heatherbell1978 · 11/06/2023 21:30

We're high earners and wouldn't dream of spending £10k on a holiday even though in theory we could probably find the money. So try not to feel like you're missing out - it's a huge amount for the vast majority to pay for a holiday. DH and I will be 50 in 5 years time and no way will be spending that to celebrate...

Soapyspuds · 11/06/2023 23:41

It's only a holiday. Please not take out a £5k debt for it.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/06/2023 23:43

Op I’m what I’d consider comfortable and I’d think £10k is a LOT for a holiday.

TheSmallAssassin · 11/06/2023 23:46

drpet49 · 11/06/2023 13:46

Um no. It is the sisters big birthday and she is entitled to whatever holidays she wants. Why should she scale back her plans because of OP being shit with money???

Show quote history

Not having £10k spare to spend on a holiday is not "being shit with money"

caringcarer · 11/06/2023 23:49

If it's a week why don't you go and leave DH and kids D's home. I'm sure they can manage for a week. You could spend some quality time with your sister. Suggest to her just sisters go.

Ponderingwindow · 11/06/2023 23:52

We are very comfortable and I would be hard pressed to spend that much on a holiday. That is an insanely large sum of money. It would have to be my personal dream vacation, a once in a lifetime kind of trip.

you should not go into debt or even strain your family finances for this. You should feel no guilt for not being able to afford the holiday.

If this is your sisters dream trip, wish her well and tell her to take lots of pictures. If what she wants is a family trip, then state your realistic budget and plan something together that everyone can afford.