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Original poster

Child maintenance- private arrangement, stopped paying

34 replies

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 08:48

What action can I take or do I just have to put a claim in and suck up the waiting time?

Will it be backdated?

He's been getting harder and harder to get the payment out of every month so I guess I should've seen this coming really and I'm kicking myself for not going the official route before.

He's employed, can't hide income or anything so I'm safe on that score.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 08:51

To add, he objected to the amount he was paying as he was having DS more overnight.
Which is kind of fair enough but he was paying the bare minimum anyway.
Now he won't be having him anywhere near the same amount because we have moved (I suspect he's doing this to punish me for moving) so it will go up again anyway.

He also doesn't seem to grasp the fact he's going to be paying loads extra to the CMS for the service, and I don't get why he'd rather give them the extra money rather than his son but there we are!

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 09:40

Bumping (sorry!)

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/05/2023 09:58

Why is he paying loads extra to CMS for the service? They normally send a payment schedule first and you'd be fighting tooth and nail to get it amended for them to collect if he doesn't stick to schedule. Took me over a year. I also (when I did get paid) got paid button's by my kids 'dad'.

And no. They won't backdate it. I don't know why you don't just ring them and get the answers from them while you're at it.

Highworth · 01/05/2023 10:00

Why did you move away?

InceyWinceySpidy · 01/05/2023 10:00

They will backdate from when you put your claim in and they contact him to make sure they've got all details correct.

Good luck with actually getting any money though. They are an utter shit show. I have arrears of £30,500 for the past 3 years. They've done fuck all. I've had £2k over that entire time.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 01/05/2023 10:01

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 08:51

To add, he objected to the amount he was paying as he was having DS more overnight.
Which is kind of fair enough but he was paying the bare minimum anyway.
Now he won't be having him anywhere near the same amount because we have moved (I suspect he's doing this to punish me for moving) so it will go up again anyway.

He also doesn't seem to grasp the fact he's going to be paying loads extra to the CMS for the service, and I don't get why he'd rather give them the extra money rather than his son but there we are!

Are you meaning he was having DS for more overnights than you? In which case surely you would have been paying him not him paying you under cms rules?

caringcarer · 01/05/2023 10:26

Get your claim in immediately they will only back pay from when claim received.

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:27

Are you meaning he was having DS for more overnights than you? In which case surely you would have been paying him not him paying you under cms rules?

No sorry wasn't clear!
I mean he went from not having him at all overnight to once or twice a week!

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:30

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 01/05/2023 09:58

Why is he paying loads extra to CMS for the service? They normally send a payment schedule first and you'd be fighting tooth and nail to get it amended for them to collect if he doesn't stick to schedule. Took me over a year. I also (when I did get paid) got paid button's by my kids 'dad'.

And no. They won't backdate it. I don't know why you don't just ring them and get the answers from them while you're at it.

Thanks I guess.

Don't need to be harsh, just asking!

I want to know before I call them tomorrow.
And they say if they have to get it from their earnings they charge him 20% on top as I understand it, but I might not get it properly so hence asking on here!

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:37

Highworth · 01/05/2023 10:00

Why did you move away?

Basically a combination of moving in with my partner because I was living in temporary accommodation, the rent up here being considerably cheaper than where I was and availability of jobs.

OP posts:
Waitingforsummer75 · 01/05/2023 10:38

I'm going through CMS at the moment as my ex stopped paying. It has been a nightmare. Initially we were on direct pay but after he missed payments I asked for collect and pay (where CMS charge 20% on top). He then claimed to be out of work, which was not true, but they have to investigate. This took 4 months, he now has arrears, all good, except when I then asked for collect and pay again as they can't have two pending changes (??) he again claimed to be out of work. The advisor said they can see his payslips online and he is working but it still has to be investigated. Back to square one.

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:40

InceyWinceySpidy · 01/05/2023 10:00

They will backdate from when you put your claim in and they contact him to make sure they've got all details correct.

Good luck with actually getting any money though. They are an utter shit show. I have arrears of £30,500 for the past 3 years. They've done fuck all. I've had £2k over that entire time.

Ok that's helpful.

I have heard many horror stories of them being absolutely useless so it does worry me.

I've been stuck on benefits for ages through circumstances beyond my control sadly and really rely on the maintenance, though that will change very shortly as there are loads of jobs where I've moved to, which is a part of the reason for the move.

But it's also the principal of the thing.

He spunks money on takeaways and drugs but resents paying for his own bloody kid!

OP posts:
Highworth · 01/05/2023 10:42

How far away did you move from him?

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:43

Waitingforsummer75 · 01/05/2023 10:38

I'm going through CMS at the moment as my ex stopped paying. It has been a nightmare. Initially we were on direct pay but after he missed payments I asked for collect and pay (where CMS charge 20% on top). He then claimed to be out of work, which was not true, but they have to investigate. This took 4 months, he now has arrears, all good, except when I then asked for collect and pay again as they can't have two pending changes (??) he again claimed to be out of work. The advisor said they can see his payslips online and he is working but it still has to be investigated. Back to square one.

Arrgghh that's so shit, and exactly the kind of thing I'm worried about.

I just don't get why they hate paying their way so much! What's the point of it all?
He'll happily buy DS playstation games and takeaway pizzas when he's there, but doesn't want to pay for his actual life.

It's not like I'm spending it on anything other than life expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:44

But thanks for the explanation of the 20% thing too, thats how I understood it if they have to collect it from him rather than direct pay.

OP posts:
ShannonMcFarland · 01/05/2023 10:48

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:30

Thanks I guess.

Don't need to be harsh, just asking!

I want to know before I call them tomorrow.
And they say if they have to get it from their earnings they charge him 20% on top as I understand it, but I might not get it properly so hence asking on here!

Show quote history

While this is theoretically true, it's a long, difficult process to get the paying parent put on collect and pay or deduction from earnings. CMS don't do anything without a LOT of chasing and waiting on your part and even then it's luck of the draw whether you get a caseworker who actually does something. You wouldn't believe just how bad they are until you've been through it.

That said, get your claim open ASAP, because a 1% chance of CMS getting somewhere is better than a 0% chance of deadbeat dad suddenly growing a conscience.

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:48

Highworth · 01/05/2023 10:42

How far away did you move from him?

A long way tbf, 400 miles.

But it had to be done.

He was the reason the relationship broke down, he left me in the shit rental wise which is how I ended up in a hostel on a waiting list for housing which in my old area takes about 5 years!

I had the chance to move in with my partner and finally get a job (I'll be working where he works, the hospitality industry here is desperate for staff) plus the rent is a fraction of what it is where I'm from and it's split two ways!

OP posts:
Waitingforsummer75 · 01/05/2023 10:50

My ex doesn't see my son (he's an older teenager) much at all, the last time was half an hour in the car when he was on his way back from seeing his family. Heartbreaking but what can I do? The children know who is there for them. Good luck

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:53

ShannonMcFarland · 01/05/2023 10:48

While this is theoretically true, it's a long, difficult process to get the paying parent put on collect and pay or deduction from earnings. CMS don't do anything without a LOT of chasing and waiting on your part and even then it's luck of the draw whether you get a caseworker who actually does something. You wouldn't believe just how bad they are until you've been through it.

That said, get your claim open ASAP, because a 1% chance of CMS getting somewhere is better than a 0% chance of deadbeat dad suddenly growing a conscience.

Show quote history

Thanks.

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

Why are the CMS so shit at their jobs?!

But I'll get the claim open anyway, just have to cross my fingers and hope.

Tbh once I've got a wage coming in ot won't be so hard to cope without it, but right now I'm broke, and my benefits are going to change because I've moved in with someone who works.

But he only earns minimum wage so it's not like we're rolling in it, plus why should he have to pay for someone's kid?
Especially cos he's got his own to pay for!

The dad should bloody pay.

Grrrrr.

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:00

Waitingforsummer75 · 01/05/2023 10:50

My ex doesn't see my son (he's an older teenager) much at all, the last time was half an hour in the car when he was on his way back from seeing his family. Heartbreaking but what can I do? The children know who is there for them. Good luck

God that's shit.
I'm so sorry.

I guess I'm lucky in the respect that he actually wants to see him, and in all fairness I've made that more difficult, but i don't get the not paying for your own kid thing at all!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 01/05/2023 11:01

He's been getting harder and harder to get the payment out of every month

This is the perfect argument in favour of using the official channels.

Sorry you are going through this.

Highworth · 01/05/2023 11:04

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 10:48

A long way tbf, 400 miles.

But it had to be done.

He was the reason the relationship broke down, he left me in the shit rental wise which is how I ended up in a hostel on a waiting list for housing which in my old area takes about 5 years!

I had the chance to move in with my partner and finally get a job (I'll be working where he works, the hospitality industry here is desperate for staff) plus the rent is a fraction of what it is where I'm from and it's split two ways!

Show quote history

So he was having his child overnight a couple of times a week and you took the child 400 miles away and can’t see why he might be upset at this?

80sMum · 01/05/2023 11:11

Highworth · 01/05/2023 11:04

So he was having his child overnight a couple of times a week and you took the child 400 miles away and can’t see why he might be upset at this?

Show quote history

I thought this too. How sad for the child and his dad to be losing their opportunity for frequent contact. Four hundred miles distance is very likely to mean that the child will become estranged from his father due to infrequent contact.

lkkjhg · 01/05/2023 11:11

Personally I think you are majorly in the wrong here. You've moved a child who sees their father twice a week to the other end of the country. You've moved them in with a partner and you plan to be reliant on working with them.

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:11

Highworth · 01/05/2023 11:04

So he was having his child overnight a couple of times a week and you took the child 400 miles away and can’t see why he might be upset at this?

Show quote history

Well of course he's upset!

But this a situation entirely of his own creation, so after being evicted, struggling in a hostel for years stuck on benefits because of the stupid system forgive me if my sympathy for him is bloody limited tbh.

He cheated, pulled a whole load of stunts including taking DS on holiday with her when we were supposedly together, and left to live with OW, promised he would help with the rent so we could stay in our house but didn't.

Instead he spent all his money on coke and weed.

So yeah, he can be upset all he likes but it's his own fault.

OP posts: