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Original poster

Child maintenance- private arrangement, stopped paying

34 replies

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 08:48

What action can I take or do I just have to put a claim in and suck up the waiting time?

Will it be backdated?

He's been getting harder and harder to get the payment out of every month so I guess I should've seen this coming really and I'm kicking myself for not going the official route before.

He's employed, can't hide income or anything so I'm safe on that score.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:13

lkkjhg · 01/05/2023 11:11

Personally I think you are majorly in the wrong here. You've moved a child who sees their father twice a week to the other end of the country. You've moved them in with a partner and you plan to be reliant on working with them.

See my message above.

Plus not working for my partner, not reliant at all in that respect, it's just that the place where he works is desperate for staff and it's a no brainer.

If it doesn't work out workwise there are plenty of other jobs round here.

OP posts:
ShannonMcFarland · 01/05/2023 11:16

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:11

Well of course he's upset!

But this a situation entirely of his own creation, so after being evicted, struggling in a hostel for years stuck on benefits because of the stupid system forgive me if my sympathy for him is bloody limited tbh.

He cheated, pulled a whole load of stunts including taking DS on holiday with her when we were supposedly together, and left to live with OW, promised he would help with the rent so we could stay in our house but didn't.

Instead he spent all his money on coke and weed.

So yeah, he can be upset all he likes but it's his own fault.

Show quote history

Wait wait wait. He took your son on holiday with his side piece when you were STILL TOGETHER?

80sMum · 01/05/2023 11:17

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:11

Well of course he's upset!

But this a situation entirely of his own creation, so after being evicted, struggling in a hostel for years stuck on benefits because of the stupid system forgive me if my sympathy for him is bloody limited tbh.

He cheated, pulled a whole load of stunts including taking DS on holiday with her when we were supposedly together, and left to live with OW, promised he would help with the rent so we could stay in our house but didn't.

Instead he spent all his money on coke and weed.

So yeah, he can be upset all he likes but it's his own fault.

Show quote history

Could you perhaps be allowing your bitterness towards your ex-partner to cloud your judgement about what is in the best interests of your child?

Obviously, I don't know the circumstances but did your son enjoy and look forward to his contact time with his dad? If he didn't like it and was poorly treated by dad then maybe it's for the best to cut contact down to the minimum. But if he did enjoy seeing his dad it seems a great shame to have removed that opportunity of contact from him.

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:18

Oh and he has a job he can do anywhere in the country, so he could move up here with a minimum of fuss.

Also I would be utterly mad to stay in an unaffordable part of the country in a shit and dangerous area, in a hostel, when I could have a job and a healthier lifestyle.
Plus where we were it's a fact of life that most kids end up on drugs and in trouble.

I would have moved anyway with or without the partner in the mix, he's a bloody decent guy though, a great father to his own, sober and gives a shit.

Even the schools are a million times better here!

So it's a better life for us both.

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:24

ShannonMcFarland · 01/05/2023 11:16

Wait wait wait. He took your son on holiday with his side piece when you were STILL TOGETHER?

Show quote history

Oh yes!

And to make it worse wouldn't let me talk to DS for days (DS was only 6) because he knew poor DS would drop him in it.
So I spent ages frantic with worry, it was the first time he'd gone away without me!

I have tried and tried to get past all this so DS can have a relationship with his Dad.

And mainly succeeded, we've been civil and all that for a while now.

But I can't put our lives on hold any more

OP posts:
Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:28

80sMum · 01/05/2023 11:17

Could you perhaps be allowing your bitterness towards your ex-partner to cloud your judgement about what is in the best interests of your child?

Obviously, I don't know the circumstances but did your son enjoy and look forward to his contact time with his dad? If he didn't like it and was poorly treated by dad then maybe it's for the best to cut contact down to the minimum. But if he did enjoy seeing his dad it seems a great shame to have removed that opportunity of contact from him.

Show quote history

Oh I'm still angry but I've got over it mainly.

And yeah he enjoys spending time with his Dad, but that time consists of staying up most of the night playing computer games and eating takeaways, so of course a 10 year old loves that!

But he's alway horrible for a couple of days when he gets back from his Dads.

Even at the hostel I managed routine and structure and home cooked food. I can't afford takeaways and I limit screen time.

But a 10 year old doesn't know that that's the best for.them do they?
So to him his Dad's is this cool place where he can do whatever the hell he wants.

OP posts:
ShannonMcFarland · 01/05/2023 11:29

KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:24

Oh yes!

And to make it worse wouldn't let me talk to DS for days (DS was only 6) because he knew poor DS would drop him in it.
So I spent ages frantic with worry, it was the first time he'd gone away without me!

I have tried and tried to get past all this so DS can have a relationship with his Dad.

And mainly succeeded, we've been civil and all that for a while now.

But I can't put our lives on hold any more

Show quote history

Holy shit. And I thought my exh was bad.

Ohow · 01/05/2023 11:35

Are you prepared to do all the driving/trains to take your child to see their dad? Surely that's going to cost you a huge amount of the cms?

Original poster
KetoViking · 01/05/2023 11:47

Ohow · 01/05/2023 11:35

Are you prepared to do all the driving/trains to take your child to see their dad? Surely that's going to cost you a huge amount of the cms?

Well when this was being planned and he was in a civil mood we agreed we'd try and split it between us.

I don't know now though, he won't discuss anything with me.

It's all new so we're going to have to work something out.

But he was talking seriously about moving up.
He's in a shared house with friends so no official tenancy, and the specific job he does pays better here and almost every firm has vacancies.

So that was the plan.

OP posts:
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