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Original poster

Is splitting 50/50 fair?

38 replies

Twinboymum2010 · 29/04/2023 01:05

Hoping for some advice regarding finances in couples. My partner and I have been together for a while and will eventuallt discuss moving in together. Only problem is I have only ever lived on my own since I moved out at 18 years old. I am a single mum to 13 year old twin boys, I work park time and my income is topped up by universal credit. My partner works for a major tech company and gets a really decent wage, I however am I civil servant, minimum wage, part time. He has lived with partners before and always split it 50/50 but he has never lived with a partner that had children. I find talking about finances incredibly awkward at the best of times. He has put a couple of big purchases for me on a credit card and allowed me to pay him back over time when I can (which I have done and stuck to) but I find that incredibly awkward borrowing money from him like that even when I’m paying him back. I currently rent a house that I have lived in with my children for 13 years now, it is near their school and near my family and reasonable travelling time to my work in the city centre. My partner owns his own house with a mortgage in another county around half an hours drive away. Currently we spend every other weekend at mine when I have the kids and the other weekends at his. It is not an option to give up my house since the location and the amount of bedrooms, my kids currently have a bedroom each and it needs to stay that way really, his house is only a 2 bed. He has recently signed a fixed 5 year mortgage and we have discussed that we would probably rent his house out and rent somewhere half way. This is absolutely fine for me. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this guy. He is perfect. I have adhd and find confrontation and conversations like this difficult. He leads a very different life to me. I have very little left over and almost all my disposable income goes on the twins. Meanwhile he has a decent disposable income and regularly fritters money on silly things (this doesn’t bother me, I often encourage purchases I know would make him happy)
The conversation I am dreading is regarding the fact that if we were to split the rent/mortgage, food, household bills etc then I would have little to no money left over meanwhile he would still have a huge disposable income. Especially since my current universal credit is almost as much as my take home wage which would stop when we move in together. I am totally comfortable with talking to him about this, however my sister had a bad experience with explaining to her partner that 50/50 wasnt fair and it caused alot of friction. This means I am totally overthinking the whole conversation but it is inevitable that it will happen sooner or later. How do I broach this subject? Have people had issues with splitting the financial burden fairly?
Sorry for the rambling. I’m a severe overthinker

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 29/04/2023 06:42

This is a really difficult situation. As you are aware, 'the system' will take his income into account, even though he's not your DC's father, so has no responsibility for them. Plus, if his 'really decent wage' is above £60k, then not only do you lose your UC, but you also lose child benefit. Then if your DC go to university, his income will be taken into account when assessing what loans they're entitled to, with the household being expected to bridge the gap, even though you personally probably don't have the means to save up a significant amount or contribute if this is the path they take.

Although, unless your DC have additional needs, won't your UC entitlement be based on you working more or less FT anyway?

But then he could argue that you should pay more than 50/50 because you're also housing and feeding two teens, although it's likely he has more expensive tastes than you so it could balance out a bit.

It could be that either you don't do 50/50, especially if you end up getting married, where he's committing to 'sharing all he has with you' and taking you on as a package, which includes DC.

Or you do 50/50 but you need to choose housing, bills, food etc based on your means not his, so you're not skinting yourself paying for a large property in an expensive area. Or you wait until the DC are independent adults - what's your plan for when you're not entitled to UC anyway? Even if you work FT, it's going to be hard on NMW if you don't get help with rent etc.

You don't mention their father. Does he contribute?

crossstitchingnana · 29/04/2023 07:37

It's a tricky one. I earn less than my dh and we have always pooled our money into a joint account. But he is the father to my children.

Everyone does things differently but I am genuinely surprised at how many split finances according to percentages.

To me, once living together it isn't "my" money but "our" money. It does need a great deal of trust though, and we have had the odd argument about it.

ArcticSkewer · 29/04/2023 07:46

Unless he is willing to replace the State as substitute father (so pay the universal credit and child benefit you will lose, help with uni fees) I don't think you can actually afford to move in anyway.

How long have you been dating? Do your kids like him? Can you just continue as you are til the kids leave home?

TwilightSkies · 29/04/2023 07:48

Do you have to live together?

rookiemere · 29/04/2023 07:51

Why can't he just move into your house ?

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 07:52

Under the circumstances... I think I'd just keep having separate households. I can understand him not necessarily being enthusiastic about going all in on supporting two teens, but if he doesn't things are pretty difficult for you financially. Also I doubt two 13yo boys are going to be overjoyed by their mother's partner moving in.

Ragwort · 29/04/2023 07:54

Keep separate households. Have you (and him) really thought through all the implications of him living with your 13 year old twins ... quite apart from the financial issues.

lopsidedgrin · 29/04/2023 08:01

Why do you only work part-time?

Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · 29/04/2023 08:06

I definitely think best to remain living separately for now, at least until your kids are independent.

PineappleLatte · 29/04/2023 08:07

lopsidedgrin · 29/04/2023 08:01

Why do you only work part-time?

This. Can you up your hours to FT to replace
the UC element?

Ostryga · 29/04/2023 08:13

Why do you need to move in together? How do your twins feel about it? Sounds like you’d be putting yourself in a bad financial situation for the sake of a man, and I don’t ever think that’s a good idea.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 29/04/2023 08:31

It sounds like you don't have any firm plans to move in yet, more that it has come up in conversation as a possibility at some point? Honestly, next time it comes up, I'd mention that at the moment, you won't be able to afford to move in until your twins are older because your income would drop by £xx (don't forget impact on child benefit if he earns much more than £50k). You don't have to start an awkward conversation about how much each person contributes or what they have left.

In the meantime, given your children are getting older, do you have options to improve your own earning potential? To increase your hours, or work towards promotion?

Confused5678 · 29/04/2023 08:31

I wouldn’t do this unless you increase your earning potential , get married and buy somewhere . I think you will be worse off . You will get no uc or child benefit I expect .

Testina · 29/04/2023 10:43

I’m usually at odds with all the “you’re a team, let him pay more” group on MN.
I see it that your kids are basically nothing to do with him.
I think that he should adjust his proportion to allow for benefits that you lose “because” of him - but that’s it.
I would also work full time.

Mythicalcreatures · 29/04/2023 10:48

I wouldn't move in together until your dc are adults plus I would work full time. My dp certainly doesn't pay 50% of my dc's costs and I wouldn't want him to either.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 29/04/2023 10:56

My friend was in a similar situation and her partner replaced the UC and gave additional money (around £200 I think) you have to work out how much you need to survive and add a bit on for it to be worthwhile moving. Otherwise there is absolutely no benefit to moving in with him.

He needs to understand that if he wants to live with you that it will cost him more money.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2023 11:03

I honestly would delay plans to move in together for 5 years. As Barbara has laid out so clearly, there’s pretty much no upside to you in moving in together but substantial risk, and no upside for him, either. Added to which, 2x teen boys and a new man moving into the house, plus moving further from their friends etc… I don’t think it’s wise.

In 5 years both your DC are adults and off to the next phase of life, whatever that is. If it’s uni then they’re entitled to a full grant etc. At that point, you sharing living costs with someone is much easier, and more beneficial to you both. And you can work more/build up your career in the interim.

Nightynightnight · 29/04/2023 11:09

Honestly, it would probably be easier and better to wait until your children are ready to leave. If you move in together now the path ahead will likely involve a bit of resentment from both of you. I understand your position and commend you supporting your kids alone all these years. But I wouldn't be able to ask someone else who is not responsible for them to support them too and if you move in together this will be necessary.

Shroedy · 29/04/2023 11:24

It certainly sounds like moving in would be complicated but it doesn't sound like you've had an open and frank conversation about it yet? He might not have have thought about it in detail or know the full ramifications (eg that you will lose your UC). Without having had that conversation it's going to be very difficult to work out what you and he would be comfortable with and whether it's a practical option at this stage. There's no benefit to speculating. I know those conversations can be stressful and awkward but if you can't have them then you're going to come up against problems anyway, working out how your finances fit together is a key part of the shift of moving in. I'd just start with a very open minded but initial conversation saying it's something you've been thinking about, that moving in will inevitably alter both your finances, merging households is complicated and you're both used to living and managing money independently and so it's something you want to make sure you're thinking about early to ensure you're both comfortable.

pfftt · 29/04/2023 12:15

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 29/04/2023 10:56

My friend was in a similar situation and her partner replaced the UC and gave additional money (around £200 I think) you have to work out how much you need to survive and add a bit on for it to be worthwhile moving. Otherwise there is absolutely no benefit to moving in with him.

He needs to understand that if he wants to live with you that it will cost him more money.

It's a big ask though no? Paying the UC and paying for someone else's dc. He is doing all the giving. What does he get out of it. But then if he doesn't, she is losing out. I think it's untenable until the dc get to 18.

pfftt · 29/04/2023 12:20

OP he would be earning MORE as he would rent out his place. I think he would have to expect to put all of this into the rent for your joint place for starters.
You'd have to do some calculation.
He would end up better off due to revitalise income.
You would end up worse off due to loss of UC and possibly CB.
Would his rental income be more or less than your UC & CB?

Babymamaroon · 29/04/2023 12:43

Can you get a full time job so you're able to pay your way and contribute?

It will give you more of an equal footing in the relationship, which I think is important.

ChildOfBabylon · 29/04/2023 15:35

Ideally you would get married and pool resources, but this would of course mean him providing more at the moment. But who knows what will happen down the line.

He might get involved in a road traffic accident and have severe consequences meaning you becoming his carer and the main breadwinner. Nobody knows what the future holds so one person in a couple should be fine with earning more than the other.

I supported my partner through their degree course by paying for everything. Then DP went into work and my earnings became more like 70% of the household income. Then I had a health issue meaning DP is now the 100% breadwinner.

I would be screwed if we lived to the 50/50 nonsense.

But soon I will be hitting pension time and be in a position to pay off the mortgage and pay for everything until I die and DP and DC will inherit all I have left.

Things change over the years, this is why I can’t understand couples not acting as couples. I.e not acting as a single unit with shared joint income.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/04/2023 15:38

Don't move in together until your boys can realistically move out and support themselves. There's no benefit and lots of risk.

kitsuneghost · 29/04/2023 15:43

I think you need to do 50/50. Alhough it is hard when the partnership is unequal, it doesn't mean you use any less house, food, gas etc... If anything you use more as you are 3, he is 1. So in reality it should be 75/25.