Is splitting 50/50 fair?

[Twinboymum2010]

Hoping for some advice regarding finances in couples. My partner and I have been together for a while and will eventuallt discuss moving in together. Only problem is I have only ever lived on my own since I moved out at 18 years old. I am a single mum to 13 year old twin boys, I work park time and my income is topped up by universal credit. My partner works for a major tech company and gets a really decent wage, I however am I civil servant, minimum wage, part time. He has lived with partners before and always split it 50/50 but he has never lived with a partner that had children. I find talking about finances incredibly awkward at the best of times. He has put a couple of big purchases for me on a credit card and allowed me to pay him back over time when I can (which I have done and stuck to) but I find that incredibly awkward borrowing money from him like that even when I’m paying him back. I currently rent a house that I have lived in with my children for 13 years now, it is near their school and near my family and reasonable travelling time to my work in the city centre. My partner owns his own house with a mortgage in another county around half an hours drive away. Currently we spend every other weekend at mine when I have the kids and the other weekends at his. It is not an option to give up my house since the location and the amount of bedrooms, my kids currently have a bedroom each and it needs to stay that way really, his house is only a 2 bed. He has recently signed a fixed 5 year mortgage and we have discussed that we would probably rent his house out and rent somewhere half way. This is absolutely fine for me. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this guy. He is perfect. I have adhd and find confrontation and conversations like this difficult. He leads a very different life to me. I have very little left over and almost all my disposable income goes on the twins. Meanwhile he has a decent disposable income and regularly fritters money on silly things (this doesn’t bother me, I often encourage purchases I know would make him happy)
The conversation I am dreading is regarding the fact that if we were to split the rent/mortgage, food, household bills etc then I would have little to no money left over meanwhile he would still have a huge disposable income. Especially since my current universal credit is almost as much as my take home wage which would stop when we move in together. I am totally comfortable with talking to him about this, however my sister had a bad experience with explaining to her partner that 50/50 wasnt fair and it caused alot of friction. This means I am totally overthinking the whole conversation but it is inevitable that it will happen sooner or later. How do I broach this subject? Have people had issues with splitting the financial burden fairly?
Sorry for the rambling. I’m a severe overthinker

His job and wage is irrelevant as he chose a path that gave him that, you chose a different path

But the OP be worse off as she will lose UC and possibly CB. He will be better off as he will gain rental income from his house. There is a calculation that needs to be done. If he wants to live with the OP and the OP will be poorer for it then He will need to balance that out. Otherwise he is going to have to accept that the OP can't live with him.

I don't think it will be the best financial decision for you unless you become a proper family.

As a PP said your child benefit will be affected as well as any government support your DC will receive towards their higher education.

I wouldn't do it. You have too much to lose

59:50 definitely isn't fair when your circumstances are vastly different

Working part time when you have teenagers is very much a choice and luxury unless you are going to drip feed something - you choose to work and earn less therefore you can hardly complain about lack of spending if you were to split bills 50/50

I thought you were meaning it wasn't fair to him given you choose to work part time, and there's 3 of you!

Just touching on a few things. Although my job is minimum wage it is incredibly stressful, the reason I dropped down to part time was because of the stress, I have additional needs, I also have a lifelong health condition which requires regular hospital visits and doctors appointments which I always arrange on a non working day. I have touched on it briefly with my partner that I know I would eventually have to increase to full time hours.
Although the boys aren’t his they get on like a house on fire, they are all star wars and lego nerds and love anything like that. They are in no way resentful to a new partner in the house, they have never known me to be with their dad since he left when he found out I was having twins. Their relationship with my partner is really lovely, literally couldn’t be better. He sees us as a family already, we wont be having children together so he loves being somewhat of a father figure to them
I say he has a good job but not near the £50k so I would lose the child benefit but certainly enough that I would lose all of the UC entitlement I currently get. Comments about it being more fair that I cover 75% of the household costs would literally not be possible. I have considered leaving the civil service to get a better paid job but I like the security that I have with it and they are flexible with the hours I do right now

You will have to increase your hours when your twins leave home and presumably your UC will decrease - or do you get DLA for your additional needs? I honestly think you need to consider how you can be self supporting before you find yourself financially dependent on a man who could leave at any time.

OPs income and loss of UC has nothing to do with what she owes to the household. If the man wants to pay a bit more then fine but most people would expect to pay their way.

There's really no point doing an incredibly stressful minimum wage job. You could take your pick of hundreds of other non stressful jobs that couldn't be less well paid!

How long have you been dating and how long have the kids been meeting him as well? Presumably you are a few years in now. Is it not possible to wait a few more, rather than fuck up your financial security?

@kitsuneghost of course her kids if UC is relevant. If the partner wants to live with her then he has to accept that she will be worse off and compensate. Otherwise he doesn't get what he wants. It's huge and take. And that doesn't mean she gives and he takes. Alternatively they can carry on like they are which it sounds like the oP is happy with. So it's his call.

Also would lose the 25% sole occupancy council tax discount as there'd now be two adults in the same household. 🌹

This in a nutshell. Do not give up your home OP under any circumstances. A relationship is very different from dating and living separately.

When I met my now dh i was a lone parent to 1 dc. Council place. Work PT with WTC top up and housing benefit

He moved in ans WTC stopped due to combined wage. I explained that personally I'd be worse off without the WTC and housing benefit
He paid everything. The rent, all bills, my mobile, my car costs, stuff for my dc if needed etc. My wage was for 'fun' money and food as worked out same disposable income roughly as what i had prior to him moving in.
Now married, 2 more dc, joint account. Both wages go in. I deal with all the finances to the house. All bills, food, kids stuff whether that's for my dc, his dc or our dc, literally everything comes out of it. He puts in far more than i do.