For the sake of my sanity - this has to be sorted. Please no judgement.

[scaredPDP]

I think that I have some sort of realisation that things have to change for us financially or we are going to be be f**ked if one of us loses our job, gets ill, or dies……….

We both left our previous marriages about 6 years ago. We both brought some debt into our new relationship – me – 20kish and dp 30kish. Not ideal but that was the situation we were in so we just got on with it.
Over the last 3 years we have had a series of financial disasters. We were involved in a legal dispute with someone. I won’t go into specifics for fear of being identified, however we lost and ended up with a 25K bill. We were bitter and twisted for a while but again, we have to just get on with it.

The house that we bought needed significant renovations, way beyond what we anticipated. We also had to carry out jobs that we didn’t envisage. This spiralled out of control and added to our debts.

We both have kid each at uni and we have tried to support them through their final couple of years.

So… Here we are. In our forties, with loads of debt and me stressed to the hilt. The debt has become like the elephant in the room. We both know it’s there, but we don’t really discuss it in depth. I am super organised and know exactly what needs to be paid etc, whereas dp is good at picking me up when I am feeling shit about everything. I suppose we complement each other

I really want us to be out of this mess by the time we are 50, which is 5ish years for both of us.

The positive thing is that we are both in well paid jobs that we enjoy. I have put together a budget to see how much we can possibly throw at the debts whilst still having a few pleasures in life. I feel that I am too old to go 100% cold turkey – I need the odd bottle of wine, or a very occasional meal out!

I take home 3654 a month and also earn a couple of hundred quid from some freelance stuff that I do. DP takes home slightly less than me – 3430 so between us we generally take £7200 between us, which sounds a lot when I write it down.

Our mortgage isn’t too bad for the area and we currently pay £987 per month. Thankfully we are fixed for 4 more years. Council tax, water, energy, insurances and phone/internet come in at just under £750.We are both foodies and our supermarket spend is too high. I reckon £600 on a normal month ( there are 4 of us in the house). This will have to change

I have cancelled all of the silly subscriptions that we had as we were barely using them.

In terms of debt payments, we set up a payment of 2k per month, but I think that we can do better than this.

Our discretionary spending varies but we generally spend about £150 a week on kids activities, travel, lunches etc. This could probably be reduced a bit too.

So overall we are taking in £7200 and paying out about £4900. This does include our silly food shop which I am going to look at seriously.
We are both prone to overspending and I think that is why is never feels as though we have £2300 left, eve though we must. A lot of this has also been swallowed up by bills for the house renovations etc, although we have decided that nothing else if being done for a couple of years.

As of today, our total debt ( ex mortgage ) is about 80k. I feel sick and ashamed at that number but I know that this won’t change it. We just need to sort it out. I also need dp to be a bit more engaged as sometimes I feel as though I am the only one looking at the debt figures. He knows about the debt as it’s both of ours, but I don’t think that he always fully takes on board the scale of it

We met up at a friends house for dinner last night. There were 5 couples and I sat there feeling like a total failure. None of our friends family know that we owe 80K and I would be mortified if anyone found out. I also feel like we have massively fucked up compared to our peer group. I have no doubt that some of the will have 10, 20 30k debt – but 80k feels astronomical. I guess that there must be others out there with debts of this scale though.

I did speak to a financial adviser to see if an IVA or DMP would be an option. These aren’t really available to us as despite the balance being high, we are able to service the debts and debt solutions are for people who are unable to make even the minimums

Do you think that we can sort this in 5 years or am I going to have to face up many more years of debt and money worry?

Stop beating yourself up - it doesn't sound as if you've just been frittering your money away.

Money Saving Expert website. Loads of good advice on debt free wannabe forum, complete the statement of affairs on there.

Make sure the family are on board and serious about debt reduction.

Two or three years of serious frugality and it'll feel like an enormous weight off your shoulders.

You need to know every detail of the debt - interest rates, terms etc. then pay off as much as you can from the highest interest first and work you way down. Can you move some to 0% or a lower interest rate?

As pp said, the new forums will have loads of helpful advice for you too.

I think it's doable in 5 years.
Like you say, plan to hit it hard but ring fence a little bit for fun still.

Don't worry about other people's finances, just focus on getting your own into the best shape they can be.

Hit it hard to begin with and as you see the progress it gets addictive to pay them off. The more you pay above the "minimum" the more you see the impact.

I had big (to me) debts after leaving my abusive ex. I remember thinking it would be impossible to pay them off, then one day they were gone!

Are there things you could do to make a bigger dent? Extra freelance work? Any things you can sell (even small amounts chip away at the interest)- clothes on vinted etc?

But the main thing is just slogging away paying in as much as you can bear each month. As the numbers go down it gets easier to see how you will reach that goal. Even little things like chucking "loose change" from accounts regularly helps (eg. If your balance shows 101.23 pay the 1.23 across to the debts)

And find ways to have a nice life in a budget, life doesn't have to be miserable just because you are being careful with money

Ok let me be straight, you came into this wirh 50 k debt between you and 6 years later you’ve 80k. So you both need to stop borrowing and start paying it off and not keep saying you will or doing rhe minimum . So set rhe payments up for the 2300. Live within your means and no, don’t stop renovations for a couple of years. Stop renovations till you’ve the money in rhe bank to pay for it and are debt free.

Go to the debt boards on money saving expert. Honestly loads of really helpful advice on there and people who have had huge debts too.

Hit the highest interest charging accounts first. Pay the minimum on the rest. Once the first one is paid do the same with the second highest etc

Could you pay out the debt repayments as soon as you get paid?

Do you have separate bank accounts? We have one which we use just for the bills so the card stays at home. We each have our current accounts for individual spends (we have a set amount each month) and then an account for food/toiletries shopping we both use. That way once the money in the food/personal accounts is gone thats it.

I cant help with the budgeting as I am on totally the other end of the income scale (our total including both our wages and UC is less than one of your wages!) But hopefully some of this helps you.

I guess my biggest money savers are, meal planning, eat vegetarian at least twice a week, take food when going on days out, saving for future outgoings (birthdays, Christmas etc), going down a brand when shopping, really thinking about every purchase (do I need this?), decluttering your house and selling unused items (any electronics, clothes, unused hobby equipment?), plan days out in advance to make use of offers/vouchers/cheaper train fares.

And think about what treats you have, and try and slim them down so you still feel like you are enjoying life but you have to think about your end goal. For us we try and have one treat meal a week and we have a nice pudding like ice cream on friday nights. We like exploring new places and history so try and go to a museum/show/day out once a month which I budget for and we cut back on other things so we can do this.

I think your food shop is realistic and I wouldn't try and reduce that.
You have 80k debt, pay 2k off a month so in ten months you've reduced it to 60k. That would be amazing. In 5 years you'd have cleared it.
Stick to the 2k a month op. And then spend the rest as your normally would and if there is anything left after treats then you could also put that towards the debt.

Based on your figures you should be able to pay £2k pm towards your debt pretty comfortably so that needs to be your plan. No deviation. Stick to it. In 4-5 years perhaps with the occasional overpayment you will be debt free without having to sacrifice much in your lives.

As other posters have said, focus on higher interest debt first.

Can you remortgage to consolidate debt into the mortgage? I know it's just shifting money around, but somehow a higher mortgage seems less scary than separate unsecured debt, and the interest may be lower.

you can pay that off really fast, I would just tighten my belt and go for it. I would aim for at least £4k a month paying off. Is any on credit cards? can you transfer any to 0% interest?

Honestly. Don’t bother with budgets. Google and looks up how to videos on YouTube of a YNAB. Budgeting just tells you after the event where your money has gone. YNAB will help you pay down the debt. It’s a paid tool but honestly really good. You both need to be on board

I agree with others advice on paying off the highest interest debts first and using money saving expert.
Your £600 monthly supermarket bill is not particularly excessive with current rising prices but the same again (£150 weekly) for kids activities, travel and lunches seems excessive.
Do the kids have very expensive hobbies?
Where are you all eating lunch? Two lots of school dinners is around £25 per week and supermarket meal deals are around £17.50 per week or packed lunch is cheaper.
What is the travel? Do you have long commutes costing a lot in petrol or season tickets?

High earners with large amounts of unsecured debt is much more common than you would think. So although it's not ideal, put aside the shame of it and deal with it practically.

How much of that is credit card debt? You need to redistribute the payments to get the highest interest cleared first or balance transfer to lower rates if you can.

What brilliant advice. and delivered in such a non-judgemental. I’m screenshotting it for myself to get my spending down. Thx

Loads of good advice, the only thing MSE would disagree with is the advice to add to your mortgage. Don’t risk your home. Don’t remortgage just to pay off debt.
Hammer that debt really hard with every spare penny and you will be free and able to save within 4 years

The 4 people in the household, are they younger children, or are they the uni-age ones? If the latter, I would start to charge board if you aren't already, or consider downsizing?

I certainly wouldn't add the debt to your mortgage given your existing track record of getting into debt - I accept the majority of your debt happened years ago, but I do think if the slate feels as if it's wiped clean there is a risk you will start to overspend again.

I would go to the Debt Free Wannabe board on MoneySavingExpert and do a full statement of account - all of your debts, with the amounts and interest rates, all your outgoings (and don't forget non-monthly or unpredictable amounts, like car repairs and birthdays). You will get robust but detailed advice to enable you to set a budget you can live within, and you can get to work on conquering the debt.

Don't go too crazy throwing money at the debt, you need to be building up an emergency fund alongside it, so that if anything unexpected happens you aren't forced to increase the debt again.

Any equity in your house? Can you remortgage to pay off the debts?

To echo what another pp said - advise not to consolidate your debt. Alvin Hall on BBC1 - who had been in this position - said, don't turn short term debt into long term debt. I have been in exactly your situation, couldn't believe I'd got myself there, and then worked to get myself out, and it worked.

The best thing to do with debts is to focus on the repayment plan, and you're doing that. With £80k, paying off £2k a month would take you 3 years and 3 ish months. What kind of interest is that debt accruing? 3 to 5 years is doable, and you'll be debt free by 50 minus your mortgage, that will be great. This isn't insurmaountable.

I'd look at keeping the commitment to the £2k a month, and use the savings you make by making better decisions elsewhere to keep you all living a nice life. I'd also be very explicit with partner and adult children about this as there may be some pushback until everyone settles in.

Ps, this is not at all similar but I can comewhat sympathise. I've been saving hard for a spcific thing, then learned this week that I have to replace the roof of my house. That's going to take a significant chunk out of my savings. But after spending a few days in a fuck it mode navigating tempations to splurge shop, I sat down yesterday with my savings plans and worked out how to make it work. Some head in the sand time is understandable, but it's the planning and problem solving that actually helps.

I’d echo this - the very first thing you need to do is find out how much interest you’re incurring every month on every debt. Then structure your payments accordingly.

Agreed. Sometimes we forget that mortgage is debt!! With high interest rates and the costs / fees associated with remortgaging you could end up paying out much more over the long term.

once you’ve paid this off though you do need to close any credit cards etc. There are lots of people with out any credit card debt at all. The best rule of CCs is that unless you can clear the balance monthly you shouldn’t be using them. I appreciate some of your debt by be via loans etc. too.

Good luck.

Terrible advice. Never ever turn unsecured debt in to secured debt against your house.

You can do it OP! You do need to be able to have those conversations and make sure you’re both on the same page about it though, it can cause real resentment if one person feels like they’re putting in all the effort and the other is oblivious and occasionally even sabotages it, however unintentionally. Get the kids on board too. You sound like you have a good handle on your outgoings and some ideas about how to manage them. Agree with prioritising the debt with the biggest interest payment, and getting the payments out alongside other bills before working out how much ‘fun money’ you’ve got left. I’d also try and maintain a savings account for emergencies, and if you’re not already using a cashback site (Quidco or Topcashback for example) then definitely look into those. I recently got £28 back on my new home insurance policy and £35 on my travel insurance, it all adds up!

I don't think you're that unusual at all. And debt is only really an issue if you can't pay it off - it sounds like you can comfortably afford the monthly repayments (although I appreciate you might want to clear it quicker than that). Don't beat yourself up about it and just focus on paying it off regularly. You're doing well.