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Original poster

dh drop in income- supportive but worried

43 replies

templeheath1 · 23/04/2023 08:51

Morning everyone.

DH and I, both 46 and working full time. dh qualified as a teacher when we first met in our early twenties. He has progressed well and for the last 4 years he has been deputy head in a secondary school. The problem is, he hates it. He hates the pressure that he is under and the constant feeling of dread. They had a tricky ofsted and it was the final nail in the coffin for him. He wants to step back from having such a senior role and feels that he can't cope for much longer. He is taking anto anxiety medication

He came home on Friday and told me that he had been in a meeting with his boss, who is supportive. He has offered dh the opportunity to step back to being a middle leader - basically he will be in charge of a department and will be teaching again. He has really missed the classroom. This is what dh wants. however it comes with a significant pay cut, which is understandable.

We are not in financial difficulties but like most people, we have gotten used to having a certain income. |I have sat and worked out how it will impact our finances.

At the moment, after all bills and regular outgoings we are left with about £2400 that we can use for food, fuel and extra things like holidays etc. With dh's new job this will reduce by about £1000 per month so £1400 disposable. I know that this shouldn't be an issue, but it feels like a massive drop

Of course, dh's mental health is more important and I will support him 100% but I can't help but feel a little bit uneasy about the financial side of things.

Am I overthinking?

OP posts:

Mamapiggywig · 23/04/2023 08:52

it sounds like his current role is affecting his health, so he should move. You really can’t prioritise money over health and well-being.

Awrite · 23/04/2023 08:54

Yes, you are overthinking. You cut your cloth accordingly.

Will do you no harm to budget and have an 'every penny a prisoner' approach.

You will still live well.

Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · 23/04/2023 08:55

It does sound like a big drop but it sounds like he absolutely must do it. I suppose just imagine if the roles were reversed, how would you want your dh to support you?

Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · 23/04/2023 08:57

Are you in a position to move up payscale in your own work? If he has more free time for family it could be an opportunity for you to further your own career.

MsMcGonagall · 23/04/2023 08:58

it could be worse - leaving his job entirely, or a health breakdown. Financial circumstances change and then we need to adapt. Sounds like you will still have enough somehow.

shivawn · 23/04/2023 08:59

It is a big drop but it sounds like its do-able for you? I would be very uneasy about adjusting to having a grand less a month so I completely understand where you're coming from, but if my husband was at the point of taking anti-anxiety medication for work stress then I'd have to support him. Health is everything.

Do you spend the full £2400 every month? Do you have an emergency fund?

shivawn · 23/04/2023 09:00

Will do you no harm to budget and have an 'every penny a prisoner' approach.

What an odd comment.

Mindymomo · 23/04/2023 09:00

My DH and I have always said our health and well being is much more important to us, so yes I think you are doing the right thing. We work for a very long part of our lives, stress and anxiety along with medication isn’t a good thing long term. We’ve all had to make cutbacks at sometime, you will adjust.

Namechange224422 · 23/04/2023 09:02

In your position I’d be a bit worried too.

Could you start living on that now knowing that the income drop is coming, and save the difference to give you a bit more of a cushion?

Would there be the option for you to progress more at your work? Could dh focus on family more if you did that?

MillieMollieMandy1 · 23/04/2023 09:02

We did similar - reduced management responsibilities in a school to reduce our stress levels and at a similar age. Not fully sure of your circumstances but we didn't have a mortgage so felt financially able to make the decision. He needs to do this for his health. Maybe in a couple of years other management roles/consultancy roles may come up that are not as stressful - schools need good teachers.

humphrg2 · 23/04/2023 09:03

Is there another way to bump income. Like give one to one grinds outside of school. I'm not a teacher but have a degree and masters in mathematics and ear an extra 200 a week doing this. Could help soften the blow

Sundaefraise · 23/04/2023 09:03

Honestly, it’s great that he has taken this step. He still keeps a senior role, but he has prevented himself completely burning out and having to quit entirely.

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2023 09:03

Do you have a good handle on exactly where the £2,400 a month goes? If not, look back through your past year’s statements and work it out. Then you’ll have a good idea what your new lifestyle can afford.

Hardbackwriter · 23/04/2023 09:03

I think one way to try and mentally adjust to it is to accept that there is no long-term option for him to continue having his current salary. He is clearly at the brink and 'pushing through' is likely to result in him not being able to work at all for a while. Keeping a middle management position is a pretty good outcome.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/04/2023 09:04

I don’t think you’re overthinking OP-£1000 at that level is significant. Of course you won’t starve but it will have an impact. Days out and holidays will be cut back.
i completely get mental health but there is a part of me that thinks it’s selfish to lower the family income by “choice”.

OutDamnedSpot · 23/04/2023 09:05

It sounds like this isn’t really a choice. The grim reality - as @MsMcGonagall says - is ‘reduce pay now’ or ‘very ill DH and no pay later’.

I would urge caution with a head of department role though. Which department? If it’s English or maths he could find himself under just as much pressure as he’s under now, with the added burden of a much increased planning/marking load (especially for English). Would just a teaching role be an option (at ups3 it might not be too different pay wise to HOD?) or current job part time, or out of teaching completely?

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 09:06

I can totally empathise with how you feel worried and struggling a bit. I would struggle with this change too but it sounds from what you’ve written that you will be fine. we halved our income with the choices we made when our kids were born as I didn’t work for a few years and we did have to budget more consciously, change the holidays we did, reduced eating out but we were still able to pay all the bills etc and have fun times with the kids.

Recently, I’ve cut back on work for similar reasons to your DH (I have cPTSD from childhood trauma) and it’s changed my life and my DH. I no longer feel like I’m falling over a cliff and my stress illness (stomach ulcers and other digestive issues) have really settled. I have more mental capacity for relationship with my DH and others.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/04/2023 09:06

Use this as a trigger to really reevaluate your spending.

If you're currently spending freely and haven't made much effort to cut costs you might be able to shave money off, or cancel things that aren't really worth the cost to you.

A few tweaks here and there could cushion the blow of the drop in income

Have a look at

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

TheNachtzehrer · 23/04/2023 09:06

Would you rather wait until his health breaks down altogether and he can't work at all? That'll really hit your finances.

I get that the contemplated drop is painful, but health and sanity is irreplaceable. He's not quitting and not leaving you to shoulder everything - just stepping back to a still responsible, stable job.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/04/2023 09:07

1k pm month net is a lot

Could he pick up exam marking in hols and/or tutoring (4 hours per week would be £800-1000 pm)?

boobearandme · 23/04/2023 09:10

My husband was a deputy head on 54k. He suffered 3 major breakdowns in the space of 2 years. He now works in a completely different sector on 28k. Yes we did struggle at first but you soon get used to the drop in income. Health over money every time OP. As long as you can still pay the bills and have some fun money you should support him.

Hardbackwriter · 23/04/2023 09:15

I think the way that OP is describing this as a massive step back is misleading for some people. Realistically he's not going to be so flush with time as a HoD that he's got time to start setting up side hustles of tutoring or whatever. This isn't the equivalent of going part-time or into semi-retirement. He will hopefully enjoy the work more but he's still going to be doing a very full-on job.

ParkrunPlodder · 23/04/2023 09:15

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/04/2023 09:04

Mental health and mental illness are two different things though. We all need to look after our mental health and stress levels etc but few of us have mental illnesses to contend with. My Mum was sectioned during my childhood with serious psychiatric illness including delusions- that’s not a mental health issue - that’s an illness that needs medication and specific help to support. It’s a spectrum and people with poor mental health can become mentally or physically ill.

We all have an individual level of stress that we can cope with before it impacts the body (sometimes taking decades to do so). The body truly does keep score in my opinion and all of my health issues, which would have killed me by now without the wonders of modern medicine, are routed in an original issue with my mental health. Just like genetics and life experiences (like accidents) can weaken parts of the body, the brain can be equally impacted. It is just an organ like all the others..

Mythicalcreatures · 23/04/2023 09:19

Sounds like a sensible option for your dh. Can you look at increasing your income?

TheNachtzehrer · 23/04/2023 09:23

Good points, @ParkrunPlodder . OP: if this job was destroying, let's say, your husband's back, to an extent which was slowly crippling him both inside and outside work, how long would you expect him to carry on for the sake of that £1k? And if your answer is "well, of course I'd support him to stop", what makes you value his mental health less than his physical?

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