dh drop in income- supportive but worried

[templeheath1]

Morning everyone.

DH and I, both 46 and working full time. dh qualified as a teacher when we first met in our early twenties. He has progressed well and for the last 4 years he has been deputy head in a secondary school. The problem is, he hates it. He hates the pressure that he is under and the constant feeling of dread. They had a tricky ofsted and it was the final nail in the coffin for him. He wants to step back from having such a senior role and feels that he can't cope for much longer. He is taking anto anxiety medication

He came home on Friday and told me that he had been in a meeting with his boss, who is supportive. He has offered dh the opportunity to step back to being a middle leader - basically he will be in charge of a department and will be teaching again. He has really missed the classroom. This is what dh wants. however it comes with a significant pay cut, which is understandable.

We are not in financial difficulties but like most people, we have gotten used to having a certain income. |I have sat and worked out how it will impact our finances.

At the moment, after all bills and regular outgoings we are left with about £2400 that we can use for food, fuel and extra things like holidays etc. With dh's new job this will reduce by about £1000 per month so £1400 disposable. I know that this shouldn't be an issue, but it feels like a massive drop

Of course, dh's mental health is more important and I will support him 100% but I can't help but feel a little bit uneasy about the financial side of things.

Am I overthinking?

My DH was in exactly the same position as yours about 10 years ago. We sat and looked at his anti depressant prescription and thought how ridiculous it was to carry on in that situation. He dropped down to just being a classroom teacher. Of course, it was a worry but there was no choice - drop in income and release from intolerable stress or risk burnout, long-term sick, spending all the additional income on therapy etc etc. It's a no-brainer. I got DH back and I don't regret supporting him for a moment. Good luck to you both, teaching can be absolutely brutal to one's mental health.

Health is more important and you still have enough to live on. Hopefully a break from the pressure can be temporary and he can progress again in the future.

Have a look at this thread Op. such a range of opinions.

I do think mental health comes first every time though. Without any doubt.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4779222-could-you-survive-on-1k?page=1

My hesitation would be that I don't think being a HOD and classroom teacher is any less stressful really... I say this from experience. It's still stressful with unrealistic expectations, but just in a different way. I think support him... He can always go back up to senior leadership at a later point or at a different school if he fancies at a later date.

My DH is about to step away from his very senior role to go public sector for a better work life balance. It's a huge pay cut, but he was fixing to have a stroke so there was the potential of him being sat in a chair for the next 20 years with carers coming in, and zero income.

I'll increase my hours and get a promotion, ultimately we're a team and it's my turn to increase my income now. He can pick up some extra housework instead 😀

Think long term, if he makes himself ill he'll be earning sweet FA.

It's a lot, but can you both perhaps work on contingency plans for getting the income back up. Can you be more active about seeking promotions? Would he consider moving into a different line of work entirely? Would he look at being a deputy at a different school? Etc.

I changed careers last year and we lost a big chunk of income, and it was a bit scary, but I can't tell you how much I appreciated DP constantly telling me it was the right thing for my mental health and for us as a family. And then at Christmas I got a 20% payrise at my new job, and that made it a whole lot more doable. It needn't be a life sentence to earning this amount.

What an awful situation that teachers are in...so very sorry that this level of stress and workload is being applied. Hopefully a change of government next election will help.

You have a surplus each month so focus on that. Yes you may need to cut back slightly but it's very doable so I would say definitely support him to get his life back in balance.

I'm shocked another poster thinks he is being selfish - of course he isn't. He doesn't have a choice if he isn't coping.

Right now seems he needs to step back for his health

it is entirely possible that he just doesn’t have personality traits that suit school leadership roles hence why he hates it and is stressed. It doesn’t mean, once better, he can’t take on more responsibilities and increase his wage. There are other ways to advance careers without going down one particular leadership route. Encourage him to look and think outside the box, once he is starting to recover, what does he love most about his job, what does he see as his area of strength. How can he then play to those strengths? It may mean he sets longer term goals to moving away from school front line into more specialist roles etc. help him explore all options and avenues. There are lots of jobs in industry for instance in learning and development with adults etc

one of the best pieces of advice I was given early in my career was “” decide what sort of leader you want to be”. I thought I’d become a senior manager, though that was route to success and pay rises. Instead I realised as introvert I didn’t enjoy “ people management”, what I could do well and liked was technical leadership. I had a very successful and enjoyable career going that route - a path less well trodden in my company.

I'm shocked another poster thinks he is being selfish - of course he isn't. He doesn't have a choice if he isn't coping well it is, there’s a bigger picture but it’s selfish. My dad was an alcoholic, out of his control being an addiction, still selfish.

Do the budget planner on MoneySavingExpert, it includes a lot of stuff that people often don't budget for in their monthly figures, such as birthdays, holidays, haircuts, car maintenance, clothes, but that need to paid for from somewhere. Then you'll get a realistic view of your actual money leftover.

I think calling it disposable income is a bit wrong too as it's not disposable income, it's for food and travel. Your actual disposable income (money which isn't accounted for) will be a lot lower.

But regardless, I don't think there's another solution so it's more about managing it than worrying over whether it can be done I think. Now is a good time to go forensically through your finances and see what can be cut and where.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I dont think this is anyway similar situation. Sorry for your experience and agree that alcoholics act selfishly.

Been there - done that.

My OH could no longer cope with being a partner in a general practice at the age of 42. It was a 2-person rural practice and he was on duty all day every day and every other night plus every other weekend. Weekends = start Thursday (surgeries/visits) morning and keep working till Monday night. At that time they did all their home visits. He was driven into the ground and his mental health was plummeting.

I suggested to him that he should simply stop doing it - life is too sort to waste your prime years in that state. He talked with his partner and he left the partnership but still did two morning surgeries a week and holiday cover - they employed a new partner.

As you can imagine the impact on our finances was massive.

I upped my working hours and we sold our home and downsized in order to wipe out our mortgage and pay off the car loan, and the loan on the practice premises, equipment and drugs was covered by the incoming partner.

We had 3 young children at the time and it had an impact on them too.

It seemed a high risk thing to do but I never doubted for one second that it was the right thing to do; and in retrospect it certainly was as in his late 50s he began with Parkinsons Disease and had a miserable time before he died. If I had not engineered his leaving the partnership then all of his life would have been miserable - as it was his 40s and 50s became tolerable.

I take my hat off to your OH for recognising and admitting the problem and taking positive steps to improve things.

Back him up, support him and give him the chance to live.

He sounds at risk of breakdown so has to try. My worry like PP is that going back to the classroom and all the work you bring home and the head of dept status is not less work. I don't think it's necessarily less stress. But its a different kind and that 'might' be enough. I would have a back up plan in mind for if its not. Like being signed off sick for a pro longed period say 3-6 months and then going from there.

I had to give up work due to a major health issue so we lost a whole salary… we cut back on things.
We thought we would struggle but we have got used to not having that money tbh. You take things for granted until ill health affects you. You will be ok!

OP - I am in the same situation as your husband. My DH has told me this weekend that my SLT role is damaging my mental health and I know he's right - ironically I am the mental health lead in my school!
Unfortunately leadership ship roles in schools have become unsustainable for many staff and the financial rewards are not enough.
I've realised I will have burnt out by 50 if I keep on as I am, hopefully a step back will mean I can stay in the job I love.
You need to look at this for the long term, your husband is not alone in how he is feeling, sadly his experience is becoming increasingly common in schools.

You will manage op and it's much better when you plan for it rather than it all coming to a head and being out of your control.

My dh had to take sick leave from his job due to stress and I worried about us surviving on my wage and SSP.

Then he was sacked for having too much sick leave and I worr about us surviving on my wage and contributions based JSA.

Then the contributions based JSA ran out and I worried about us surviving on my wage and nothing.

But we did survive, I got a better job, and dh got better, was a SAHD for a few years, retrained and now we can save, go on holiday, treat ourselves etc.

It's a huge worry but you've got a heads up and can save and plan for the change - it will be ok.

No, what is selfish is to expect someone to continue in a role that is making them ill so that you can have days out and holidays. I have been in a role like this and the stress made me really ill to the point of being suicidal.

It isn’t selfish. It’s actually a smart thing to do, before he completely burns out. It’s not as though he’s completely giving up work & sitting around at home. He’s just taking a lower stress job. Very wise & not selfish at all.