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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with dh

29 replies

beckyfromthewest · 18/04/2023 18:27

DH is majorly pissed off with me.

We are late thirties, 3dc's. Since we have been married dh has looked after the household finances. we both have our own accounts but he is the one who sorts out the bills etc. I admit that I have been happy with him doing this.

We got into quite a lot of debt. I knew that we were in debt and dh would mention it to me, but It wasn't something that was discussed often. yesterday I used his laptop as mine has broken and saw the speadsheet that he keeps to track our money situation. We have a lot more debt than I realised and we are spending more on debt repayments than I thought ( would prefer not to share amounts)

I got shitty with him and he said that I was being unreasonable and that he has tried to talk to me, but that it always ends up with him stressed and me angry. He also thinks that I am just as responsible for the debtas he is but I am angry that he didn't tell me how bad it was. I admit that there have been several times when he has transferred my credit card balances to his to help me pay them off. This happened in January the last time when he paid off a 1k debt by transferring it to his card.

AIBU for being shitty with him? I wish he had told me that things were worse than I thought. His view is that I have taken a back seat and have avoided talking about money, and now I am being shitty.

Generally we are a really happy couple and I am not thinking about us not being together or anything like that.

OP posts:

tribpot · 18/04/2023 18:32

From what you've said, it does sound as if the debt has been created by you just as much as him. I guess the difference is that you were doing so from a position of ignorance, because he didn't share the state of the finances with you. Has he tried to talk to you about it as he said?

I would try to move past the finger-pointing game (based on what you've written) and focus on solutions. Finances now need to be shared, and the burden needs to be shared, too. You both need to be agreeing a budget, spending carefully against it and reviewing it each month together.

AutumnCrow · 18/04/2023 18:34

What do you want people to say? Even by your own account you were being deliberately uninvolved, not listening like a grown up, spending money you didn't really have, and not willing to communicate in a sensible way.

BucketList101 · 18/04/2023 18:34

Time you both sat down and had a good look at the situation, discuss and come up with a plan. You cannot leave DP in charge in blissful ignorance then blame him for the mess.

Floribundaflummery · 18/04/2023 18:36

I think you ABU as it sounds as if he has been carrying the mental load for you and when he tried to share it he gets a negative reaction so maybe that has put him off. Can you remove the emotion from the situation and sit down in a quiet set aside time to make a budget and plan to repay your debt? It will take you both pulling together to succeed and it sounds as though you are usually a good team.

I used to have my head in the sand with money then had a wake up call and now we are both sharing the spreadsheet and planning so do understand how it can happen. Good luck.

Iheartsummertime · 18/04/2023 18:39

I think UABU because you did know and could have asked for the full details.

Gazelda · 18/04/2023 18:41

You admit you knew you had debts. You admit he's tried to talk with you about it. You admit he's taken on your credit card debt several times.

And I don't understand your phrase He also thinks that I am just as responsible for the debtas he is. Do you seriously think he's solely responsible?

I think it's time to face up to your financial situation and tell him you want to be equally involved in budgeting and planning as he is. Decide on a method that works for you both and then tackle the debt.

Neither of you should be pissed at the other. Acknowledge where you are and move forward as a partnership.

Trollsinmyeggbox · 18/04/2023 18:43

You're both as bad as each other, and neither of you are managing finances well.

NoSquirrels · 18/04/2023 18:48

His view is that I have taken a back seat and have avoided talking about money, and now I am being shitty.

Well, yeah.

He transferred £1,000 for you in January - is that card still clear? How many is ‘several times’ that he has he done similar? What do you think happened to those transfers?

You spend loads on debt repayments because you’re in loads of debt.

But you’re not working as a team to clear it. You need to start pulling together, properly. You probably need to cut up your credit card.

Im99912 · 18/04/2023 18:52

How do you not know how much Is on your cc
do you just spend and spend and then wait for him to transfer it to his card

TheMarsian · 18/04/2023 19:31

Yiu are nit asking the right question. Wether YWU to be shifty with him is not the most important question.

You need to question (and I mean YOU as both of you!) why the communication between you about finances was so poor, what you can do to improve that AND how you are going to improve your finances.

If you start the blaming game - it’s your fault because you didn’t tell me. No it’s yours because you’ve never been involved - it’s just going to get worse.

Moredrama · 18/04/2023 21:13

Gazelda · 18/04/2023 18:41

You admit you knew you had debts. You admit he's tried to talk with you about it. You admit he's taken on your credit card debt several times.

And I don't understand your phrase He also thinks that I am just as responsible for the debtas he is. Do you seriously think he's solely responsible?

Neither of you should be pissed at the other. Acknowledge where you are and move forward as a partnership.

This!!

You’ve happily spent the money and left your DH to worry about it, not wanting to deal with it whenever he’s tried to talk to you about it. You’ve actually been very selfish to put him in that situation, but now isn’t the time for blame. Take stock of the situation, apologise for not being more engaged and work out a way to manage the debts together moving forward

Paq · 18/04/2023 21:21

Sorry, YABU but now you can take action and responsibility for the debt you have jointly created.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 18/04/2023 23:31

So you've racked up (multiple?) thousands in debt, and you're surprised you're in debt? Your card might be paid off but that debt hasn't been, it's just been moved.

Did you take any responsibility paying off your debt once he'd taken it on for you?

It was shitty of you to get annoyed with him when he's been shouldering the responsibility and it sounds like he can't talk to you about it because you're completely oblivious.

KievLoverTwo · 19/04/2023 02:46

I think you have been digging your head in the sand about your expenditure as a couple and he has been enabling it.

You are both equally responsible.

It kinda baffles me that a married couple would have separate accounts tbh. How can you have joint responsibility if you can't see transactions?

I do have some sympathy. When the OH and I met he had 50k in savings. After two years and a bunch of traumatic events and frankly us being a bit irresponsible, he finally fessed up there was 17k left. I was mortified. I guess maybe he felt unable to talk to me about it because I was poor as a church mouse and a lot of it was necessary expenditure: travelling between countries to see each other, travelling countries to see my dying mum, paying my rent for a year to get me away from a stalker. But a good 5 to 10k was setting up our first home; had I known how low his savings were getting, I would have looked for secondhand furniture!

I think you need an open and honest discussion, a joint bank account, and you need to start taking responsibility for financial decisions and debt management. I am now the penny pincher in every single aspect of our relationship to improve our future - a role I took on voluntarily because I cannot earn and it is the best I can do to contribute to our finances.

Please get a joint account.

So, you are being unreasonable, from the skant info I have read. Apologies if I have missed more info. It's 2.45am and I have been kept away all night by fucking tractors so I am low on patience and killing time.

BlackBarbies · 19/04/2023 02:50

AutumnCrow · 18/04/2023 18:34

This. YABU

Equalitea · 19/04/2023 09:35

yabu.

DH had shouldered the responsibility of finances and it’s gone a way you don’t like, so you’re upset? 🤦‍♀️

Perhaps now you know, you could stop using your credit cards or getting him to transfer balances etc and sit together and work out a repayment plan rather? I’d personally want to know how the debt was created. Jointly or otherwise? Eg if he’d put a grand on a pass weekend and it was debt I’d go mental but if it was literally just trying to survive and pay bills etc then I’d try to cut costs and see where we could save/earn money.

Bambooflowers · 19/04/2023 09:45

Of course you’re being unreasonable. Bloody hell you can’t keep spending what you don’t have and refuse to get involved to look at your finances,,you’re a grown up,

pinkyredrose · 19/04/2023 09:49

. I admit that there have been several times when he has transferred my credit card balances to his to help me pay them off

How many times? Of course you're responsible, sticking your head in the sand doesn't work.

What are you buying on credit cards and what are the rest of the debts for?

JustFrustrated · 19/04/2023 09:52

YABU.
As the one in our relationship who was awful with money, and had to be bailed out (not massive amounts, but enough to derail our plans for a year or so) I had to learn the hard way.

We do have seperate accounts, but we have total transparency and review every couple of months.

So for example, I'm having a medical treatment done privately, this means my contribution to savings will drop by £100 a month.

We discussed this and agreed when is the best time to do so.

You need to communicate. Money is a driving factor for divorce.

Other than communication, you need to educate yourslf.

When he cleared your cards did your brain not connect that in doing so, it meant the debt still existing within your household?

Linio · 19/04/2023 09:56

I don’t get why you’re angry OP. You have spent money you don’t have, repeatedly, and you are now annoyed your household is in debt? And when your husband tried to speak to you about it, you disengaged, but it’s his fault?

YABU

YellowGreenBlue · 19/04/2023 09:57

Both of you need to stop blaming each other, as it sounds like you're equally responsible for getting into debt and equally rubbish at communicating about it.

You need to sit down together and work out a sensible budget based on your income, bills etc. There are some good apps to help you. Think about where you can cut down. Tackle this now before it gets worse!

OKFinally · 19/04/2023 10:08

You need to grow up, it doesn’t grow on a tree at the bottom of the garden, where did you think it was coming from and how it you think it was being paid for.

To a lesser degree your DH is also culpable, he has infantilised you on the subject of money.

Money is no longer an issue in this house. Thank God. But when either of us spend we tell the other. I gave our plumbing apprentice DS £18 for a special wrench yesterday which he needed to fix our bathroom tap, (cheaper than a plumber) I told DH and he looked at me and laughed and said there is transparency and transparency.😂

There are a pair of you in this, so start pulling in the same direction.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/04/2023 13:39

YABVU. He's had all the mental load, and now you blame him? Were you not cognizant of your spending all this time? Nor of household expenses?

WeWereInParis · 19/04/2023 14:06

This happened in January the last time when he paid off a 1k debt by transferring it to his card.

How many times has this happened? And what did you think had happened to that debt? Did you ask? Did you care? Or did you just expect him to sort it?

Yes he could have made more of an effort to tell you, but it really sounds like you've been completely disinterested and wilfully ignorant, and have repeatedly overspent on your credit card.

euff · 20/04/2023 08:21

YABVU for all of the reasons already stated but you could apologise and sit down and take a joint approach and responsibility from now on.

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