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Original poster

Lending people money

37 replies

Vates · 15/04/2023 13:11

My Best Friend just called and although she didn't ask outright, she needs money for food. The problem is she already owes me £55 from the last month and I literally cannot afford anymore. She's supposed to pay my money back on this coming Wednesday but I am honestly expecting her to have an excuse. She does eventually pay but it is a good while later. But I knew this when I lent her the money.

We are both on disability benefits (ESA and Pip) but the big difference is she lives in sheltered housing that she pays a small amount of top up rent per month and doesn't pay for separate electric, water, etc. She is up to date with rent top up payments so that's good. And no water or electric bills means that those needs are ok too.

On Wednesday I checked my cupboards and gave her some food items that I could spare (pasta, soup, beans and biscuits).

Every suggestion I have made has been met with a firm 'no'. Selling stuff at cex, going to a Food Bank, etc. Anything else to suggest?

I love her like family but just cannot spare any more money at the moment without putting myself in the shit too. I can cover my bills and food at the minute, although it is tough.

I'm stuck and don't know what else to suggest to her basically.

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 15/04/2023 13:13

You have been extraordinarily kind, generous and thoughtful already. You don't need to do anything more. This is her problem to solve.

Quveas · 15/04/2023 13:13

You tell her that you are sorry but you cannot afford it, you can't give her any more food. You have made suggestions that are perfectly reasonable, and if she won't follow them then that is her choice. Do not be manipulated into this - if you continue then she will be back every week for more.

CC4712 · 15/04/2023 13:17

You've helped her out- but stop now! Why compromise your own family because she can't manage her finances? Practice saying NO.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/04/2023 13:17

This isn’t your problem to solve. Empathise but don’t offer her any solutions. Don’t lend her any money now and once you’ve got your £50 back, don’t lend her any in future.

Eightiesgirl · 15/04/2023 13:18

Please say no. I have recently been in exactly the same position as you and I am determined to say no the next time I am asked. I am also in receipt of PIP and ESA and can't afford to get myself into debt as I will have no way to pay it off. There is no one who would help me and lend me money, so I can't afford to get into a mess. I have previously sold things at CEX and the local pawn shop, it's surprising what you can find to sell if you have a good hunt round the house. If she asks you for help suggest this to her again. She is not your responsibility, please put yourself first.

Original poster

Vates · 15/04/2023 13:28

I know you're all correct and if I lend anymore then I am at risk at not covering my own bills/needs (I have a number of direct debits due out next week hence currently having the money). I am no angel but it is so hard with people you love. I won't lend anymore and think I needed to vent a little. I am just hoping she doesn't call later as it makes me feel crap.

OP posts:

BCBird · 15/04/2023 13:31

It is difficult when.people ask your yiu have the money I think u feel.obliged,I know I have on many occasions. The fact of the matter is you do not have the money. She needs to access a food bank. Stay strong

Thesearmsofmine · 15/04/2023 13:33

“I wish I could help you friend but unfortunately I don’t have much myself”. She knows the other options are there she says no because she thinks you will give her money.

romdowa · 15/04/2023 13:35

In future you just tell her you don't have any money. It's probably the only way you will be able to continue on with the friendship. Completely remove money from the equation

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2023 13:36

I’m sorry she’s shooting down your suggestions - of course if she needs food then a food bank is the obvious option. You can’t afford to lend - or give, as let’s be honest, that’s what it is - money to her.

If she’s refusing practical options like a food bank then it’s not food but cash she’s struggling with for whatever reason - whether that’s paying someone else she’s borrowed from back, or spending it on something else she doesn’t want to admit.

You still can’t afford to give any money though so that’s that.

Babyroobs · 15/04/2023 13:41

If she's getting income related ESA then I reckon the next £300 cost of living payment should be due soon which will help her.

Charlieiscool · 15/04/2023 13:41

You can say you simply can’t help on top of the money you’ve already lent her this month. If that doesn’t get repaid as promised then you will learn NEVER to lend to her again. She is not your problem to fix or carry, she is a friend and your friendship will be damaged if you let this go on. Money can and often does destroy friendships.

Exaspa · 15/04/2023 13:48

Has she timed this deliberately by any chance, knowing when your bills go out? I had a university "friend" who was a real spendthrift who used to do the rounds when grants and loans were paid despite getting the full amount. She was really glamorous and I was young, plain, naive, and flattered by the attention, not realising she was a user until years later. You've been very generous already, it sounds like; don't cave in. Your first responsibility is to yourself.

Therealjudgejudy · 15/04/2023 14:07

Absolutely don't feel bad saying that you can't help her.

Tell her that actually you are struggling yourself and need to £55 you lent her back...

Original poster

Vates · 15/04/2023 14:36

Ok, I am positive I will not lend anymore money! @babyroobs yes, income related and have told her the dates from the official government page (25th April until 17th May possible payment dates). It was literally what I mentioned and telling her to stock up on simple back up foods to store in the cupboard (soups, beans, etc) to ride out the bad patches when she's short.

OP posts:

Fluffyhoglets · 15/04/2023 14:42

Yanbu - if she was really desperate she'd go yo a foodbank. She's not being fair on you.
I hope you get your 55 back when she gets her money next week.

Crumpleton · 15/04/2023 14:54

(I have a number of direct debits due out next week hence currently having the money).

Realistically speaking you don't have the money, it's set aside so that you don't default on your direct debit payments and get yourself into debt.

vivainsomnia · 15/04/2023 15:10

So she is getting the same as you but her outgoings are less. You're managing, she's not. Do you know 2hy? Does she need sleep with budgeting? Is she impulse buying? Does she owe money to other people?

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 15:13

Tell her you are sorry but you cannot lend her money, you are very short yourself.

It’s really tough right now but there are other avenues available and she needs to use them.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to solve their problems.

Viviennemary · 15/04/2023 15:16

Just say really sorry but I am struggling myself. I just don't have any more spare cash to lend you. In fact I was relying on the £55 you owe me as I have a bill to pay.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 15/04/2023 15:18

"Sorry I can't help, I'm really skint myself really could do with that £55 you owe me." Rinse and repeat every time.

Do not keep helping her as it's learned behaviour she'll never stop asking.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2023 15:22

Obv the answer is no

You've lent her money which she still owes

Why wouid you lend more.

Both have the same income roughly , her bills are way less so what is she spending her money on

If you lend /give to her , you will end up struggling

Eggseggseverywhere · 15/04/2023 15:27

Ask when her cost of living payment is due..

bunnybunnybunnybunny · 15/04/2023 16:06

Your friend's finances (or lack of) are not your responsibility, so do not feel bad that you aren't willing to help. Also, they haven't repaid the last lot of money, so they've rather set a precedence that they're not trustworthy.

I appreciate it sounds heartless but I suggest you distance yourself, because if you do not, they will continue to try to tap you for money.

Original poster

Vates · 15/04/2023 20:38

You will all cane my arse right now but I lent her £10, just transferred her. She is literally my only friend in the world and, yes, my Sister, who is close tells me to say no, too. Goodbye £10 food budget and I know I will suffer those consequences. But it just me suffering those consequences.

Eh, cane away. My family already knows I am vulnerable for giving away things as well as money. Obviously feel stupid but always did. But there is a high threshold or there is huge availability in order to get a support worker in the first place.

OP posts:

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