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Original poster

Lending people money

37 replies

Vates · 15/04/2023 13:11

My Best Friend just called and although she didn't ask outright, she needs money for food. The problem is she already owes me £55 from the last month and I literally cannot afford anymore. She's supposed to pay my money back on this coming Wednesday but I am honestly expecting her to have an excuse. She does eventually pay but it is a good while later. But I knew this when I lent her the money.

We are both on disability benefits (ESA and Pip) but the big difference is she lives in sheltered housing that she pays a small amount of top up rent per month and doesn't pay for separate electric, water, etc. She is up to date with rent top up payments so that's good. And no water or electric bills means that those needs are ok too.

On Wednesday I checked my cupboards and gave her some food items that I could spare (pasta, soup, beans and biscuits).

Every suggestion I have made has been met with a firm 'no'. Selling stuff at cex, going to a Food Bank, etc. Anything else to suggest?

I love her like family but just cannot spare any more money at the moment without putting myself in the shit too. I can cover my bills and food at the minute, although it is tough.

I'm stuck and don't know what else to suggest to her basically.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2023 22:19

Whips @Vates arse !!!

So you have given her £10 and now you yourself will suffer /go without

You are a fool

This lady isn't your friend

She is a leech (sorry)

I doubt you will get your money back Wed - but do remind her that you have lent her it

Charlieiscool · 16/04/2023 05:50

You must enjoy being a martyr. Have fun then.

HereSheComesInTheFall · 16/04/2023 06:10

She is not your friend, she is using you.
A real friend would use a food bank rather than taking money from you that you can not afford to give.

AuntieMarys · 16/04/2023 07:24

Charlieiscool · 16/04/2023 05:50

You must enjoy being a martyr. Have fun then.

This.

BattleofBeamfleot · 16/04/2023 09:20

Oh OP. She's absolutely fine with using "a firm no" on you, and taking from you when you have nothing. I'm sorry that this is what you think is a true friend.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/04/2023 10:52

Vates · 15/04/2023 20:38

You will all cane my arse right now but I lent her £10, just transferred her. She is literally my only friend in the world and, yes, my Sister, who is close tells me to say no, too. Goodbye £10 food budget and I know I will suffer those consequences. But it just me suffering those consequences.

Eh, cane away. My family already knows I am vulnerable for giving away things as well as money. Obviously feel stupid but always did. But there is a high threshold or there is huge availability in order to get a support worker in the first place.

Who needs a support worker?

EyesOnThePies · 16/04/2023 10:59

OP, seriously, you are actually CAUSING part of this problem. How kind and friendly do you think this is?

You need to tell your friend the truth: that you have nothing to give or lend. Because while she has in her mind that she can borrow from you she will see that as part of her budget.

You HAVEN’T got money to give her. How would she feel if she knew you now don’t have food? If she doesn’t care she is no friend. If she does care you have put her in a horrible situation by not being truthful with her.

Please think about this carefully.

As you say she has other options. Sale of stuff, food bank etc.

Whichwhatnow · 16/04/2023 11:14

Oh mate I find it can sometimes be easy to fall into a dynamic within a friendship where there's just this expectation that one person pays for the other. I had this with an (ex) friend but ultimately I had to realise that it was also partially my fault for being overly generous. If you don't want to screw up your friendship you need to say a firm NO. And then keep saying it. Otherwise some people will keep taking advantage, like my friend, and in the end you'll probably fall out with the resentment (I am still friends with my friend, but only because I eventually put a stop before I blew up at her!)

SparklingChampagneAndStrawberries · 16/04/2023 12:00

She can’t love you as much as you love her if she’s willing to put you in this position. Sorry to be this harsh but a true friend wouldn’t do this to you. You’ve given some excellent suggestions, she’s just choosing not to use them. Tough shit, not your problem. Don’t expect to see that £55 BTW.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/04/2023 12:05

Vates · 15/04/2023 20:38

You will all cane my arse right now but I lent her £10, just transferred her. She is literally my only friend in the world and, yes, my Sister, who is close tells me to say no, too. Goodbye £10 food budget and I know I will suffer those consequences. But it just me suffering those consequences.

Eh, cane away. My family already knows I am vulnerable for giving away things as well as money. Obviously feel stupid but always did. But there is a high threshold or there is huge availability in order to get a support worker in the first place.

Why vates? She's using you as a free cash machine! You simply cannot afford it, how will you manage now? Surely that's a day or two food budget for you?

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 16/04/2023 13:29

I would have a response ready next time she contracts you. Have a text saved ready to copy and paste. Something simple like "I can't, I don't have any spare money". Don't offer detailed explanations. If she keeps asking, reply "like I said, I don't have any spare money".

Don't offer her advice about selling things etc, you don't need to solve her problems for her. It gets you in a dynamic where you feel responsible for the problem. She can find out this stuff herself.

If she tries to phone you I would ignore the calls. Much easier for you to refuse by text.

I'd also delete her bank details from your saved payees on your bank account. Makes it take longer to send her money, which will make you less likely to do it impulsively.

It's sad she's your only friend, and it leaves you vulnerable to putting up with her bad behaviour. I'd focus on trying to make connections with new people, develop hobbies and new friendships. Let her role in your life get smaller.

KievLoverTwo · 17/04/2023 10:02

Vates · 15/04/2023 20:38

You will all cane my arse right now but I lent her £10, just transferred her. She is literally my only friend in the world and, yes, my Sister, who is close tells me to say no, too. Goodbye £10 food budget and I know I will suffer those consequences. But it just me suffering those consequences.

Eh, cane away. My family already knows I am vulnerable for giving away things as well as money. Obviously feel stupid but always did. But there is a high threshold or there is huge availability in order to get a support worker in the first place.

Nobody's going to cane you for having a big heart. You did what you thought was necessary.

I'm a bit concerned about the list of all the things you suggested she do to make money that she refused to do, though.

Does this lady have a computer and internet at home? If yes, I can direct you to several money making threads on here that just require that setup.

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