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Original poster

Borrowing DDs money

42 replies

ILoveMyYuccaPlant · 29/03/2023 19:47

DD started High school in August and she is struggling with a few of her classes due to her attention skills. When she was still at primary the SENCO advised that they felt she may have ADHD as she struggled to focus at times but they were very proactive at supporting her and the Ed psych felt she didn't need to go on meds for this.

However now she's at High school I feel she would benefit from diagnosis and meds as she struggles at times with concentration and is being resistant to doing homework if she perceives it to be even slightly challenging. I worry she won't meet her potential as a couple of teachers have said she would manage really well in certain subjects if her focus were better.

It's a 3 year wait here from referral to diagnosis however I'm debating going private and borrowing some of the money my late MIL left her in her will, then repaying it after I start working next year. I'm a student and can't afford to pay for a private diagnosis atm. DD isn't allowed the money until she turns 21 so I have 9 years to repay the cash back.

Woukd this be an awful idea? I see it as benefitting DD's future and I'm not using it to buy random crap for myself.

OP posts:
Treeabovethefire · 29/03/2023 19:51

You never know what the future holds op, so borrowing money from your child would be a very last resort for me. You just don’t know if you’re going to be able to pay it back. Are you able to get a loan or some sort of finance? I don’t think a child’s money should ever be touched, even when you think it’s for their benefit.

RoddyStJames · 29/03/2023 19:51

I’m with Tree

EyesOnThePies · 29/03/2023 19:54

I would do this OP.

As long as you are disciplined about repayment and confident that you can replace this money.

PaigeMatthews · 29/03/2023 19:55

Are you paying it back next year or in 9 years? Because it isnt just what you borrow, it is the lost interest too.

what are you training to do? How much are you planning to borrow?

EnVogue · 29/03/2023 19:55

This is a difficult one. I'm presuming a private diagnosis and medication would cost thousands..
Practically it may seem ok but morally, I'd have to say not. As pp said, you don't know what will happen in the future. Could you afford a bank loan?

Treeabovethefire · 29/03/2023 19:58

EyesOnThePies · 29/03/2023 19:54

I would do this OP.

As long as you are disciplined about repayment and confident that you can replace this money.

She may be now but things can change. Even with the best of intentions, there is no guarantee this money will ever be paid back. It would be one thing if this was money the op had saved for her own child, but she’s essentially stealing money that was left to her by her Nan. And it’s not even the op’s mum, but her dads mum. I don’t mean this in a horribly judgemental way op, but haven’t you got savings for her yourself? She’s not far off a teenager now, most people manage to get a bit of a pot together just putting a couple pound a week away for their child from when they’re little.

Quveas · 29/03/2023 19:58

Sorry, maybe I being thick, but if it's her money in trust, how can you "borrow" it? If its money that is available to you, and it helps her right now, then just do it. If you can later pay it back in that's great. If not, I honestly wouldn't change my advice... nobody can predict the future, and your MIL would want the money to benefit her future whenever it was spent

brokenarmabroad · 29/03/2023 19:59

Personally I would do this without hesitation.

Quveas · 29/03/2023 20:00

Treeabovethefire · 29/03/2023 19:58

She may be now but things can change. Even with the best of intentions, there is no guarantee this money will ever be paid back. It would be one thing if this was money the op had saved for her own child, but she’s essentially stealing money that was left to her by her Nan. And it’s not even the op’s mum, but her dads mum. I don’t mean this in a horribly judgemental way op, but haven’t you got savings for her yourself? She’s not far off a teenager now, most people manage to get a bit of a pot together just putting a couple pound a week away for their child from when they’re little.

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Wow. How awful. Glad you have a fantastic life with loads of cash. Did you know that not everyone lives your life?

MarchingBand · 29/03/2023 20:00

I agree with Tree as well. It's not your money, pretend it's not even there. What would you do in that case?
It's up to the parent/s to provide for DC not the other way around.

Aylestone · 29/03/2023 20:00

Is it even legal to take your children’s inheritance when they’re too young to give their consent?

tumtitum · 29/03/2023 20:05

Personally I would do this if it is legal. It could be life changing for her if a diagnosis improves her education, self esteem etc.
Maybe check with your GP to ensure you go to a provider they will agree to a shared care agreement with. That way they may agree to take over prescribing once she's stable on meds, dose etc and you won't have to pay through the nose forever m. Good luck :)

Treeabovethefire · 29/03/2023 20:08

Quveas · 29/03/2023 20:00

Wow. How awful. Glad you have a fantastic life with loads of cash. Did you know that not everyone lives your life?

Show quote history

What do you know about my life? I’m a carer on minimum wage which mostly goes on childcare. My ovens broke, my fridge freezers broke, and I’ve got water pissing through the kitchen electrics every time I have a shower. Fucking rolling in it me, especially after just using 8 months of savings to pay for my son’s orthodontist bill because he didn’t want to wait 5 years for braces. But I’ve always put £2-£5 away a week in the childrens account. I won’t be stealing my children’s inheritance to pay for things that are my responsibility. I did say I wasn’t judging, I’m trying to get an idea of what the op can do. I have suggested finance or loans, anything but taking a child’s money with no guarantee of what’s going to happen in the future.

Original poster
ILoveMyYuccaPlant · 29/03/2023 20:25

Thanks everyone for your replies. A loan woukd be a good idea but because we have to start paying it back straight away, it's an extra cost we just can't afford, seeing as utilities and council tax are both going up next month.

Someone else mentioned other money i may have saved for DD - when my DF passed away I put part of my inheritance into an account to be used, while studying, for funding DD as she became more expensive with age (clothes, school trips, pocket money etc!). I guess I could use that seeing as it was never legally for DD in the first place? Means less to spend on DD in general until I get a permanent job as it would just about cover the cost of the diagnosis...

OP posts:
spidereggs · 29/03/2023 21:36

@ILoveMyYuccaPlant of course. Whatever you have saved and allocated mentally. And be used by you for whatever.

The original question, depends on the terms of the will. If it's in trust so long as trustees agree great. If it's just been given to you "for daughter" again great. If it's in an account with a solicitor that cannot be accessed that is different. But if you couldn't access it then you wouldn't be asking the question.

I am trustee for multiple cases due to past work as a solicitor. Money can be accessed if in best interests of child.

Sparkletips · 29/03/2023 22:35

It would be worth checking whether your gp will accept a private diagnosis with regard to them then prescribing meds, or if youd only be able to get these privately thru whoever diagnoses(so at an ongoing cost). Also do check the process to get onto the nhs pathway locally, be it via school or gp, before making a final commitment to go private as I understand in my area at least this has recently changed and with 'right to choose' it may be significantly faster than it would have been a few months ago. Good luck eitherway!

QueenBeaver · 30/03/2023 06:58

Do it @ILoveMyYuccaPlant You
can just set up a repayment plan. This is something that’s really important for her future and if she gets the right support could make life much easier for her.

QueenBeaver · 30/03/2023 07:00

Treeabovethefire · 29/03/2023 19:58

She may be now but things can change. Even with the best of intentions, there is no guarantee this money will ever be paid back. It would be one thing if this was money the op had saved for her own child, but she’s essentially stealing money that was left to her by her Nan. And it’s not even the op’s mum, but her dads mum. I don’t mean this in a horribly judgemental way op, but haven’t you got savings for her yourself? She’s not far off a teenager now, most people manage to get a bit of a pot together just putting a couple pound a week away for their child from when they’re little.

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Don’t accuse the OP of stealing, how rude!!

Natsku · 30/03/2023 07:15

Are you even allowed to do that? I'd check the legalities thoroughly before you decide anything.

Treeabovethefire · 30/03/2023 07:46

QueenBeaver · 30/03/2023 07:00

Don’t accuse the OP of stealing, how rude!!

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How on earth is is rude? It’s a potential fact depending on the trust. Taking money that isn’t yours without consent is stealing. A parent taking their own childs inheritance money is pretty horrible imo. The op will need to check what stipulations were put in place to see whether she can legally take the money. Given the fact that the Nan put it in trust for the child to receive at a certain age, rather than just leaving it as a gift upon her death, means that she does not want the child having access to it until she’s 21. If the child cannot access the money until she is 21 upon her nans wishes, then why should the op? Unless it’s been stated that the op can release some of the money beforehand )to use for the child’s education or some other reason), then she may not have legal access to the money. I’ve been through this all myself with my mothers death.

MarquessofPembroke · 30/03/2023 08:04

Are you able to get a loan or some sort of finance?

That is really dumb advice.

Aylestone · 30/03/2023 10:02

MarquessofPembroke · 30/03/2023 08:04

Are you able to get a loan or some sort of finance?

That is really dumb advice.

As opposed to ‘borrowing’ it from your child’s inheritance left them by their Nan? I know a few people who have had private medical treatment for their children on finance. I’d go for that any day over emptying my child’s trust fund.

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:06

I wouldn't have a problem using my child's money for my child's medical needs in a situation where I couldn't afford it myself. I wouldn't even be particularly worried about paying it back. That's not to say I wouldn't pay it back, I just wouldn't question using it or get too concerned about how I would pay it back before I had even used it. The priority is always going to be the child, not the money.

Rosiepeta · 30/03/2023 11:36

I would say its fine but where I am private diagnosis isn't recognised/ supported by the county or school so it would have been a waste of money .

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 30/03/2023 14:23

If she does have ADHD, getting a diagnosis and treatment 3 years earlier could be life changing for her. She could do much better in her exams and have a happier and easier time as a teenager. It could change the course of her life.

If a diagnosis seems likely, I would absolutely use the money for this (and repay it to her), assuming it's legal to do so under the terms of the will.

It sounds likely you can repay it. If something awful happens and it can't all be repaid, diagnosis and treatment now will have a more significant effect on her life course than more money when she is 21. However I would definitely repay it, I'm just talking about if something terrible and unexpected happens which makes that impossible.

However you do need to research

  • will the school accept a private diagnosis
  • who is reputable to assess ADHD in girls (can present differently and more subtly than in boys)
  • what happens with the prescribing- how much per month approx is private medication - and approx how long until NHS can take over the prescription. Your GP is not required to prescribe on the private consultants advice, so if you need to wait to see NHS psychiatrist you may be paying for a while