Borrowing DDs money

[ILoveMyYuccaPlant]

DD started High school in August and she is struggling with a few of her classes due to her attention skills. When she was still at primary the SENCO advised that they felt she may have ADHD as she struggled to focus at times but they were very proactive at supporting her and the Ed psych felt she didn't need to go on meds for this.

However now she's at High school I feel she would benefit from diagnosis and meds as she struggles at times with concentration and is being resistant to doing homework if she perceives it to be even slightly challenging. I worry she won't meet her potential as a couple of teachers have said she would manage really well in certain subjects if her focus were better.

It's a 3 year wait here from referral to diagnosis however I'm debating going private and borrowing some of the money my late MIL left her in her will, then repaying it after I start working next year. I'm a student and can't afford to pay for a private diagnosis atm. DD isn't allowed the money until she turns 21 so I have 9 years to repay the cash back.

Woukd this be an awful idea? I see it as benefitting DD's future and I'm not using it to buy random crap for myself.

The school are happy to accept a private diagnosis however her GP doesn't do shared care so we will also be going on the waiting list for a diagnosis on the NHS.

The money hasn't been tied up in any way yet - DH passed it to me a couple of months ago to put in their savings accounts. Re legalities, I'm sure that a document (maybe her will?) that DH showed me before MILs estate was settled did say something about the money being used to benefit the recipients if needed before they turn 21 but I can't remember the exact wording, I'd need to take a look again tbh.

@ILoveMyYuccaPlant a FYI, irrespective of what the will says you may find your DD is entitled to claim her inheritance at 18.

I agree with this.

Don’t assume that diagnosis and medication will be the magic bullet. I think what I’d do is a lot of research into strategies to support students with her specific difficulties, and use them to support her whilst waiting and/or saving for an assessment.

Here’s a useful starting point:

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Teaching-and-Managing-Students-with-ADHD.pdf

It sounds like a great idea to me, and absolutely what your MIL would want, and what your daughter needs.

Slightly gobsmacked anyone thinks otherwise. Would the PPs prefer your daughter to wait for 3 years while the money that could really help her in life sits there doing nothing?

I would absolutely do this if you have no other options whether or not you pay her back. Getting a quick diagnosis and treatment if she has ADHD is vital to her long term prospects and mental health, and she's already at secondary school so time is of the essence. If you wait for the NHS she'll be into her GCSE years before she's diagnosed and then you have to find the right med and titrate into it which can take many months.

Tbh in three years time you may have already lost her. She may be far behind, have developed behavioural issues resulting in suspension and possibly expulsion or she may be school refusing. Or it may simply be thats it's just far too late for her to be able to realise her potential.

I had a similar dilemma. By the time I had the schools backing my DS was at secondary and having loads of behavioural issues and sanctions. He had no friends and was staring to struggle academically which had never been his problem. Thankfully I was able to borrow the money to get him a private diagnosis as the nhs waitlist was long and I knew he didn't have that much time.

I was so glad I did. He went from strength to strength once he had the support he needed and made friends got good GCSEs and went on to do A levels and a degree.

100% would do this, amazed at PP saying you should get a loan instead. Don’t do that, use her DD’s savings towards something that is going to really help her. I hope it all works out well OP.

The money is available, ie not tied up in trust yet, if I were your child, I would want it spent on private diagnostics, anything to help with my development, especially if I was struggling and teachers have suggested possible ADHD. I think that’s what your MIL would want also, she would want to help her grandchild with this. My 2 sons are adults now but they 100% trust my judgement when it comes to looking after them to the best I can and I’m sure if we were in your situation, they wouldn’t hesitate in spending some of the money this way.

What does DH think?

Can’t believe people are suggesting that you take out a loan, reducing family income that will have a far greater impact on your child than using her money.

In addition, most parents/grandparents leave money to be used to benefit the recipient in whatever way they need it. What’s the sense in leaving it sat there, to potentially be blown on god knows what at 21, when this could benefit her massively now!

It makes me laugh that they think a child having access to all that cash at 21, will spend it on something more worthwhile than you are suggesting for her. They obviously don’t realise how many blow it on crap. Not every child will use it for a house deposit - especially if they don’t have access to a good education and have the facility to get a mortgage for the rest!

To the ridiculous poster that took the moral high ground for saving £5 a week for her son, maybe prioritise your unsafe electrics and having working white goods! Preaching about using money for the right things when it sounds like your son is being brought up in a squat, is laughable.

Thanks for the extra replies. Unfortunately MIL probably wouldn't have wanted the money to be spent on a diagnosis - she didn't believe that DD had anything 'wrong' (her words) with her and when we first told her that the school believed she likely had ADHD she became quite angry at us.

I'm not sure if DD and her brother will go to Uni, but here in Scotland the majority of degree courses are four years, meaning that they would still be students when they got their hands on thousands of pounds left to them. I asked MIL to reconsider the age to 25 but she refused. I'd like to think I'll bring the DCs up to be responsible with money but I still don't like the idea of them getting it all at 21!

@InattentiveADHD I do really worry that if we do nothing or wait for NHS diagnosis, she will be too far along to recover academically and her odd spells of impulsive behaviour in school may become far worse. She knows she is a bit 'different' to many of her peers and I think especially when she gets low marks on tests it gets her down. She has that typical ADHD thing of getting upset and avoidant when she struggles with things like maths equations! I really hope that the right meds will help her with these things.

I think you should use the money to help your daughter - 'ifs' and 'buts' don't help. Your daughter needs the help now and you're her mother and you're being very responsible in trying to get the help she needs WHEN she needs it. Mums are put in an impossible situation sometimes. If she needs the help now, then use the money now - I would back you all the way x

Sorry @GoodChat DH is on board with this if we go ahead and borrow the money from DDs account.

Thanks @ilovemyspace , appreciate it.

I'd do it, I think it's more important to get a dx and hopefully the support she needs now than in 3 years time.

What are the actual terms of the will and where is the money? When my children inherited the will was set up in such a way that they money could be used to their benefit at the complete discretion of parents (ie me). I would have no hesitation in those circs using the money to support a diagnosis. It doesn’t matter what your MIL thought about adhd- your child is clearly struggling and that money is there for her benefit. Even with the 21 stipulation, it’s probably hers at 18 depending on how the will was written anyway. It sounds like you have access to the money if you’re thinking of borrowing rather than it being controlled by other trustees so may well be worth you really exploring the terms.

I can't speak to your moral dilemma but I can tell you a bit more about the adhd process.

Your three years is a year longer than ours at two, that's tough. My 41 yo partner has it. In order to get diagnosis and treatment before then, he has to go to Psych.uk and pay them something like 1.5-2k to get him settled on the right meds, but it doesn't end there. You have to find a GP surgery who are prepared to take on a 'shared care agreement.'

That means once he's settled on meds and stable, Psych UK will hand him back to the GP and the GP will write meds prescriptions at an ordinary prescription cost.

However, if he needs those meds changing, the GP will not take on that responsibility, so he has to go back to Psych.uk, go through the entire triage/getting settled on meds again expense at a private provider's cost, and that continues until the two year waiting list comes to an end and he is actually on the NHS system and they can start with their own diagnosis and triage - and goodness knows how long that takes.

Here's the killer. We are looking to move county for the third time in three years, and every time we move, that two year NHS waiting list resets itself to zero.

I guess my point is, if you think it's a case of just paying for a private diagnosis and then the GP will take it on, please seriously look into how it really does work. I don't think it will be as cheap, quick or simple as you might think it will be. I think it could be an ongoing financial burden that will have you riddled with guilt at dipping into her inheritance.

This is for an adult male, of course it could be completely different for teenagers. I certainly hope so.