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Original poster

Have I been deceitful

28 replies

Sallydoolalli · 21/02/2023 08:09

Morning,

I used to post on here regularly but couldn’t remember login details so new account it is!!

i’m 41, 2dc and a dh. From the outside we look fortunate- decent house, jobs etc. we earn 104k per annum between is, 80k of which comes from me. I’ve always been cool with this. Dh works hard in a job he loves but it’s a key worker role and undervalued pay wise.

So we have a lot of debt.it was run up years ago and led to me having a bit of a breakdown 18 months ago. Since then we have taken charge of it and we are on track to be debt free by 2027. Not going to share figures etc but we were talking 10’s of thousands. We were/are both responsible- it just mounted up until I realised that something had to change.

i manage the money/bills etc and this is something that dh has always been 200% cool with. At times, it’s felt a lot of pressure as I feel as though he’s almost protected from the debt. When I’ve gotten stressed, upset about he doesn’t want to discuss it. He gets shitty when I bring it up in conversation… so I don’t! I just manage the budget and make th payments.

last week I left my laptop open and he saw our debt spreadsheet. He got really shitty about our debt Totals and said he didn’t know it was that high and basically accused me of being deceitful. I didn’t react well to this- I’ve lost count of the fucking times that I’ve tried to get him to talk about the debt,

im really upset, and he’s got into my head. I feel like I’ve deceived him but then I don’t think I have! Apart from this we are a happy couple. I feel really shit about everything again

OP posts:
Shemovesshemoves21 · 21/02/2023 08:17

If he wants to know the ind and outs of the debts and payments, he needs to listen to you when you talk to him about it. It really is that simple. You've not been deceitful. He could do better supporting you when you feel stressed about money too, its not fair for you to hold that burden alone when he has helped create the mess.

TiaI · 21/02/2023 08:18

It might just be the shock.

I found out we had 10k worth of debt and hit the roof as DH had never raised the issue and I assumed we were balancing the books. Well I was balancing the books with the finances I managed but he wasn’t with his. We made a plan and I think DH understands he needs to be more transparent with finances.

Wallywobbles · 21/02/2023 08:19

My DH always says I don't know where the money goes. If he'd looked at a single fucking spreadsheet I've done of our spending he's know where it fucking goes. YANBU

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2023 08:23

The thing is though, you’re NOT managing the finances are you? Managing assumes that they’re in order, and due to all that debt, they’re not.
Apart from that, you both now need to sit down with all the facts and figures to work out how to reduce the debt to zero. You must live a quite extravagant life to have so much debt with such a huge income. Most people would love that level of income!
As you’re both adults, he needs to get a grip of the finances and you need to be more open.

Smoothlines · 21/02/2023 08:30

@Soontobe60
She is managing the debt! She says so. She’s making the payments and will be reducing the debt -that’s what managing the debt means.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 21/02/2023 08:31

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2023 08:23

The thing is though, you’re NOT managing the finances are you? Managing assumes that they’re in order, and due to all that debt, they’re not.
Apart from that, you both now need to sit down with all the facts and figures to work out how to reduce the debt to zero. You must live a quite extravagant life to have so much debt with such a huge income. Most people would love that level of income!
As you’re both adults, he needs to get a grip of the finances and you need to be more open.

She says in her OP she's taken charge of the debts and they should be cleared by 2027.

Original poster
Sallydoolalli · 21/02/2023 08:40

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2023 08:23

The thing is though, you’re NOT managing the finances are you? Managing assumes that they’re in order, and due to all that debt, they’re not.
Apart from that, you both now need to sit down with all the facts and figures to work out how to reduce the debt to zero. You must live a quite extravagant life to have so much debt with such a huge income. Most people would love that level of income!
As you’re both adults, he needs to get a grip of the finances and you need to be more open.

Hi, for the last 18 Months I’ve managed it well I think. It’s coming down and our budget allows us to have a decent life in the meantime

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/02/2023 08:41

Hand him the laptop and tell him to crack on if he feels he can do a better job..

Ohwonderful · 21/02/2023 08:44

OP I can relate!
I managed all finances - DH took no part in it and essentially enjoyed spending pocket money without a care about managing the household and associated bills. We had debts, the repayment plans weren't working it became a mess and I was overwhelmed with it all.

I decided I was no longer going to be the sole carrier of the financial stress and we now sit together once a month for 30-60minutes and budget for the month ahead. He hated it for the first few months but now does it automatically. I think it has improved our relationship actually.
We view the income as one pot - we don't consider who put in what.
And we budget accordong to priority payments i.e
Mortgage, council tax etc
Groceries, fuel
Debts ( costly debts first )
And we run a float for family activities/days out and 'pocket money' for ourselves to spend without question.

You have not been deceitful. Finances are one of life's biggest stresses. If you are in a partnership. The load should be shared!

Original poster
Sallydoolalli · 21/02/2023 08:45

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2023 08:23

The thing is though, you’re NOT managing the finances are you? Managing assumes that they’re in order, and due to all that debt, they’re not.
Apart from that, you both now need to sit down with all the facts and figures to work out how to reduce the debt to zero. You must live a quite extravagant life to have so much debt with such a huge income. Most people would love that level of income!
As you’re both adults, he needs to get a grip of the finances and you need to be more open.

Hi

we weren’t earning anywhere near what we earn now when the majority of these debts were accrued

OP posts:
Redebs · 21/02/2023 08:57

Why aren't you doing everything you can to pay off the debt asap?
Your 'lifestyle' needs to be secondary to paying back all that money.
Your husband clearly has a more realistic understanding of money and it must have scared him to realise that he is equally liable for the enormous debt.
Nobody knows what the future may bring; what if one of you was suddenly unable to work?
I would take this as a serious wake-up and pay it off as a priority.

YesYou · 21/02/2023 09:00

"Why aren't you doing everything you can to pay off the debt asap?"

Where do you get the idea she's not?

Redebs · 21/02/2023 09:01

YesYou · 21/02/2023 09:00

"Why aren't you doing everything you can to pay off the debt asap?"

Where do you get the idea she's not?

She built up a debt, got a better paying job, but then still increased the debt.

ZiriForEver · 21/02/2023 09:04

Redebs · 21/02/2023 08:57

Why aren't you doing everything you can to pay off the debt asap?
Your 'lifestyle' needs to be secondary to paying back all that money.
Your husband clearly has a more realistic understanding of money and it must have scared him to realise that he is equally liable for the enormous debt.
Nobody knows what the future may bring; what if one of you was suddenly unable to work?
I would take this as a serious wake-up and pay it off as a priority.

The husband has so realistic understanding of money, that he had 1)never asked 2)never listened 3)refused to discuss it altogether.

Foundryside · 21/02/2023 09:06

It’s difficult to be open with your financial problems with your DH if they don’t want to discuss it and get shitty about it whenever you try to talk about the subject.

If he’s unaware of the extent of the problem, then he’s just as much to blame as you are. Probably more so, if his approach is usually to bury his head in the sand and try to ignore the issue exists.

Bookegg · 21/02/2023 09:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request

Mercurial123 · 21/02/2023 09:11

Did you ever tell him how much debt you were in? If not YABU he needs to know he's not a child.

MarshaMelrose · 21/02/2023 09:12

I don't understand what pressure you're under? Can you explain? Is it that you are struggling to stick to your budget? Is one of you overspending? Because if all your regular bills are set up with DDs, you just have you credit cards to pay off each month.
What do you find stressful? Can you allot him something to be responsible for so you feel the financial mgt is shared. Now he's seen the figures, maybe he'll be more willing to be involved. It can be a shock to see the numbers written down (rather than said quickly) and you just taking it all on you shoulders is sort of enabling him to skate by.
Congratulations, though, for paying your debt off. Its so easy to keep your head buried in the sand or slip into old habits. Well done for keep working at it.

februarysunset · 21/02/2023 09:12

Christ, the judgement on here. People get into debt all the time for one reason or another, and anyone who deals with it head on and pays it down has my utmost respect.

Your DH has been burying his head in the sand and he's probably lashing out because of the shock and/or because he feels guilty (perhaps due to having dodged the difficult conversations, perhaps due to his significantly lower contribution to the family finances). He is completely in the wrong to get shitty with you about a situation that he has helped to create and done nothing to resolve.

I don't know what the way forward is for you, but don't let him blame it all on you. You've been shouldering all the responsibility and it's time for him to step up and play an equal part. Maybe you can sit down together and go through all the numbers/repayment plan as a first step?

Zippidydoda · 21/02/2023 09:17

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/02/2023 08:41

Hand him the laptop and tell him to crack on if he feels he can do a better job..

This. Unless he was mainly responsible for accruing the debt then I’d get him to do it all.

Xol · 21/02/2023 09:23

Obviously you haven't been deceitful. He's tried to bury his head in the sand about it. It's his fault that he closed himself off from reality, not yours.

MangoBiscuit · 21/02/2023 09:41

No you haven't been deceitful, he's buried his head in the sand.

I can understand him feeling shocked, but he doesn't get to be annoyed at you. That would be like refusing to do any of the food shopping, or even add things to the list, then getting annoyed that he doesn't have his favourite snacks in the house.

PhillySub · 21/02/2023 09:50

Email him a copy of the spreadsheet every month with an invitation to discuss it.

ItchyBillco · 21/02/2023 09:58

So he gets shitty and upset when you try to talk to him about it, and then gets shitty and upset because he doesn’t know what the situation is?

Yeah, he doesn’t get it both ways. He needs to grow up and partake in managing the family finances. Is there any scope for him improving on a salary which is a quarter of yours?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/02/2023 10:28

Redebs · 21/02/2023 08:57

Why aren't you doing everything you can to pay off the debt asap?
Your 'lifestyle' needs to be secondary to paying back all that money.
Your husband clearly has a more realistic understanding of money and it must have scared him to realise that he is equally liable for the enormous debt.
Nobody knows what the future may bring; what if one of you was suddenly unable to work?
I would take this as a serious wake-up and pay it off as a priority.

Some people want to enjoy life, and debt isn't the be-all end-all. 'Lifestyle' can just mean giving the kids enough pocket money so they can go swimming with pals or have the occasional trip to the cinema.

@Sallydoolalli you haven't been deceitful.