Does anyone else’s ex think they don’t need to pay for their child because you married someone wealthier than him?!

[Koala79]

In brief, we separated when daughter was 4. My ex was a bit of an emotional bully. I remarried and we have had a great life, all v happy since. Daughter is now 13. My husband earns a lot more than my ex. For this reason, years ago, I told him (to save any further conflict and moaning messages, that he didn’t need to contribute financially. Since then he has put £50 a month in a savings account for her only. Recently, I’ve talked to loads of people who think I’m mad that I’ve never expected him to contribute financially. So I’ve asked him to. £250 a month in to my account. I said re cost of living and now she’s a teenager, it’s all getting more expensive. The thing is, he thinks because we are better off, he shouldn’t contribute at all! Is this normal? Do other people not ask for financial contribution if they’re better off? It’s not like we are actually wealthy either, just have more than he does! Thoughts??

Does your daughter need the money? It would be support for her?

I would say this is a common if old-fashioned attitude to be honest.
Does daughter live with ex ever?

Well we don’t need it to feed and clothe her but of course it would benefit her for us to receive it and use towards clubs, travel, school trips etc.

No she doesn’t. She doesn’t ever want to go so rarely does. Despite me having always encouraged her.

Of course he needs to pay for his child.

My ex won't because I "get benefits" to look after them apparently DLA means he can abdicate his responsibilities

My eldests father refused to pay because he had other children then after I got married his wife decided she was entirely my husbands responsibility nothing to do with her husband anymore because he married me therfore the responsibility was now his

I attract people with issues that's why I've elected to stay single

You play dumb and go through the CMS.

“It’s not me saying you need to pay X, it’s the government”.

Repeat until they fuck off.

My ex is just a common or garden “I don’t want to pay maintenance because you’ll spend it on hair/nails/heels/Botox” type.

I'd go through CMS, if you don't need it, put it I a separate savings account and put it towards uni/college when the time comes.

Your mistake was telling him not to bother in the first place, which suggests you dont need it. However, that said, he should still pay. My ex has always paid despite my DH and I earning more than him. He sometimes has a little dig about us not needing it but I ignore him!

He has been very lucky that you have never took anything from him.

You are truly going to rock his boat but you are quite within your rights.

Tell him you can come to a private arrangement or you will go to the CSA and they’ll give you 15pc of his monthly salary. Send him the calculator

I would be inclined to tell your ExH to put the extra money into a savings account for your daughter for when she is older and may need money towards a house or university . He should be paying something but if you and your husband are financially well off then the money should be set aside IMO

You should have got maintenance for your daughter from her father from day one. Even if you are better off financially he is responsible financially also for her. I could win the lotto tomorrow but I will still ask maintenance for my kids from her dad

My DSD's mother doesn't pay cos I work...

Yes mine did. Tbh whilst it pissed me off I was more glad at not having to deal with the prick.

some men shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.

Nope I’m single but he won’t pay because “you shouldn’t have children to get paid!”

I think you've been foolish Tbh. Doesn't matter what your DP earns, she's your exes child and he should contribute to her upbringing. If you didn't need it you should have taken it and put it in a savings account for her. The money is for HER not you as such. Go through CMS, get what you're entitled to and put it away for her future.

Claim the money and save it for her. It will come in useful for uni/house deposit and she has a right to support from both her parents. I wouldn't trust him to save the money for her.

Is £250 the CMS figure? If you don’t need it then you save it for her. £50 a month saved for her by him is pitiful.

Has your DH been happy subsiding your ex? It’s very old fashioned and a bit odd. Your DD has two parents who should both be contributing to her living costs, immaterial who you’re both with or not with.

Yes mine did. It took eight years of him ducking and diving from the CMS before I finally started to get payments from him and that was only due to a major shake up in the benefit system meaning he couldn't keep leaving jobs and signing on to job seekers so he actually had to hold down a job.

They all have excuses. You could be a single parent without any income and they'd say you get benefits and they don't need to pay you to sit around etc. Never had a penny off DDs dad because he doesn't want to pay for my fun money 🙄 Some men are just absolutely feckless but basically your partner's wealth doesn't matter. He's not the parent although it's obviously lovely and natural that he does support your child

How does your DH feel about being expected to contribute to your child's upkeep while you've told your ex not to worry about paying anything? I tend to think of 'our' money rather than separate pots when it comes to DH and I and income but, having been in this exact situation, it was very frustrating.

The calculator from the CMS figure was £400-480 a month. Pretty sure his salary was £40k when we split and he has been promoted couple of times.

When my husband and I got together, his view was if he takes me then he has my daughter too and will treat her as his. Which he has done. He hasn’t ever encouraged me to ask for any money because he knew my ex was a bully and I was a happier person for never having to have a difficult conversation with him. He said to me today he still doesn’t think I should bother with the money from him. But actually, it would help, who doesn’t benefit from extra money when you’re raising kids now. Especially teenagers. I intend to give her £10 a week spending money, use some for school trips and save the rest for her.

My ex has already said but we don’t need the money and it means he will have cancel all the after school clubs his two sons do.

I mean he’s had 7 years contributing £35 a month to her savings account and then £50 a month for the last 3 months. And if I can actually get my daughter to spend the weekend at his which she never wants to do, he’s disgusted that he should drive 50 mins to pick her and drop her off. He said we should share the time and petrol 😱

Not quite the same but my Ex refuses to pay for our DC because DS was awarded high-rate mobility and high-rate care. I get enough in benefits so he doesn't need to pay me a penny, according to him.

Honestly I'd stop any further communication with him and go through CMS.

He’s a useless waste of space, but your title is a bit odd, given that it was you who told him not to contribute!