Does anyone else’s ex think they don’t need to pay for their child because you married someone wealthier than him?!

[Koala79]

In brief, we separated when daughter was 4. My ex was a bit of an emotional bully. I remarried and we have had a great life, all v happy since. Daughter is now 13. My husband earns a lot more than my ex. For this reason, years ago, I told him (to save any further conflict and moaning messages, that he didn’t need to contribute financially. Since then he has put £50 a month in a savings account for her only. Recently, I’ve talked to loads of people who think I’m mad that I’ve never expected him to contribute financially. So I’ve asked him to. £250 a month in to my account. I said re cost of living and now she’s a teenager, it’s all getting more expensive. The thing is, he thinks because we are better off, he shouldn’t contribute at all! Is this normal? Do other people not ask for financial contribution if they’re better off? It’s not like we are actually wealthy either, just have more than he does! Thoughts??

Yes, at the time 10 years ago, I just wanted to make life easy as I could on myself and not have to argue with him. Tbh I always felt intimidated by him. Now I’m less bothered about him ranting at me so asked him to contribute.

Yes I have an ex-husband like this.

He does pay.. to the penny set out by CMS. Now I'm fortunate, I save his £320.47 straight into Premium Bonds for DS - but f me.

ExH is a knobber. Bought DS presents for Christmas and wouldn't let him bring them home. He sees DS about 3x per year. When little DS came home on Boxing Day he was distraught, I went out and bought him exactly what knobber kept from him.

The man is a total waste of oxygen with a total complex about my DH. My lovely, caring and thoughtful DH that my DS calls daddy.

I have had this too! If she got bday and Christmas presents there, she had to leave them there. And for ages, he wouldn’t give her her bday money unless she spent it with him. Wasn’t allowed to bring it home. It’s so weird. And confusing for a child, let alone an adult!

Mine is the same. He refused to pay maintenance as I received a UC top up and that 'wasn't fair' if I received maintenance on top. Now he get a UC top up and I don't but he won't include his UC in any figures for potential maintenance as that's just me being greedy.

A little bit since I remarried. Exh has always been willing to go halves in extras for the DD's as needed. He pays me under what CMS calculator say he should but enough for me-and we've just gone halves on bigger items outside of that as the years have gone by (school
Ski trip for example)
Since I remarried (dh earns similarly to exh) he has been less willing to do that. I probably will need to speak to him about it actually as the DD's now need really expensive stuff such as driving lessons. He will either need to carry on paying half or I guess I will have to go via CMS-but that would be a shame as we have avoided it for 10 years and remained largely amicable.

This very issue comes up all the time on the step parenting forum but where the step mum is annoyed that her step child's mother expects her to support the child. Normally loads of people comment telling her that she should pay up. I wonder where all those posters are now?

Op I agree with posters who say that you should just go through the CMS. It doesn't seem like he'll pay voluntarily.

CSA. CMA is the initial of a client file I'm working on at the minute which I'm clearly obsessed with

I think the issue here is that you told him he needn’t pay any maintenance, agreed that he’d save money for your DD instead and then retrospectively told him actually you want some money and given a loose justification re change of circumstances for that.

So whilst on the face of it, it’s not unreasonable that he contributes to his DD’s living costs you haven’t approached it all that thoughtfully. I can see why he’s not reacted well. Maybe it would have been better to have a conversation with the aim of being collaborative- I.e let’s agree a figure rather than giving an arbitrary amount and basically a demand for payment.

He should pay to show his daughter that he wants to be her father and he is glad to care for her.

Will she respect him when she grows up and comes to understand she was worth £50 a month to him and he shirked his responsibilities the moment he could?

We have the opposite here, DH’s ex is unemployed, she’s found a new unemployed DH (with a gambling habit) had a couple more kids and thinks that me and DH should support her additional children because we’re working 😂😂😂

She doesn't have to approach it thoughtfully. His feelings are irrelevant. He needs to pay what he owes. The CMS amount is a minimum.

I don’t disagree he should be paying, but I think communication is the issue here. If you want an amicable relationship then yes, how you approach any issue requires some forethought. She’s gone back on an agreement - it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge that and have a chat about it rather than demand.

If he doesn't see DD much anyway, then there's not much risk yo their relationship if you go to the CMS. So do that. Don't bother negotiating with him. Just get CMS on the case. She is his child and he should contribute.