Elderly parent spending but won't get a new boiler.

[middleoftheroadlife]

My mum is 76 and she was living in a 4 bed property by herself until last year when she moved into a 3 bed. Now, the 3 bed is 'too small' ( It's no smaller than the average 3 bed) and she's wanting an extension and has already had a big orangery put in. She's extending to have a whole new kitchen and dining area which is obviously costing her quite a lot. She keeps on about how she wants to put all her savings into the house (bought at the height of the pandemic in a rush). I think she's thinking she won't have to pay for care if she spends it all on the house ( My dad died some years ago and had a good pension/life insurance/savings etc which obviously transferred to my mum along with the house).
But everytime she calls she's saying how she doesn't have much money and how things are expensive etc and how little she gets in pension etc (dad was a doctor for all his working life in the NHS so had a decent pension I think).

She told me a few days ago her boiler was broken and she has no hot water or heating. She was going to get a new boiler. She's called me tonight saying she thinks she can get a free one after she's spent all her money on the building works ( which will be weeks away). Apparently she called Age Concern or Nest who told her about it.
She's going around to have showers at friends houses and has asked me if she can have them here too.
I'm on my own with 3 children and work full time but I'm on a low income at the moment. I am managing ok but I can't afford any extras especially more on water bills at the moment. If she comes here I usually have to pay her taxi bill or collect her (she doesn't drive) as she'll say she doesn't have the cash or say she doesn't have much money at the moment while at the same time telling me about her expenditures on the house.

Of course, it's totally up to her what she spends her money on and I guess none of my business but when she's using friends and family to have showers so she can get a free boiler further down the line seems a bit excessive.

She's very defensive so I can't really say anything to her in a direct way. She knows best. She wants to keep up appearances and can be quite a snob but on the other hand is happy to go without a boiler for weeks to get something free. I think anyone who needs help with heating etc should get it and I really do feel for the poor pensioners who really can't afford heating and electric this winter. It's heartbreaking to watch but this is a choice.

She's not alone - I spend all day dealing with older folk like this who are happy to give away or spend all their savings to then try to claim benefits/ freebies etc.
Anyway if she has significant pension income from your dad's private pension she is unlikely to qualify for any kind of free boiler scheme as she won't be on a low income or on a means tested benefit like pension credit. I currently have one client who is trying everything possible to get a grant for new windows because her huge house is draughty and she doesn't want to pay out for them. She wants to apply in the name of her elderly parent who claims pension credit, but actually she ( the house owner) has multiple rental properties and rental income. coming in. It really makes me cross to the point where I have considered changing jobs. Some people just have no sense of how bloody cheeky they come across.

Totally agree, babyroobs. It's actually made me very cross too. I think there's this assumption that all pensioners are poor or struggling and it's simple not true.
I guess there's not much I can do. Just feel sorry for her 'friends' having to spend their money on my mum's shower bills. £2000 - £2500 is nothing to what she'll be spending in the coming weeks. I've warned her that she could wait weeks and find she's not eligible but she's certain she will be.

Sorry, but your mum sounds like a total sponger. She doesn't need Age Concern to buy her a boiler. She is taking money away from elderly people who genuinely need help. It's complete and utter greed.

Sorry OP. She should be helping you as well, it sounds like you need it.

I'd refuse to let her shower at my house if I were you.

This sort of thing makes me angry. I'm a very frugal person and I don't care much about appearances, and I don't understand people who won't budget sensibly.

No, I agree with you both. I didn't want people to take it the wrong way in my post but I know what she's like as do my siblings. Mum thinks she's not very well off but she's never really had to worry about money and really doesn't know what it's like to struggle. She's never had to go out to work (or wanted to) or had the burden of financially providing for a family.

She's taking the piss. Tell her no. And stop collecting her or paying taxis. If she wants to visit she can get herself there and back. She's greedy. Don't be running round after her if her health fails due to having no heating.

Just say no, she can't shower at yours, and leave it at that.

If she asks again, give her the name and number of your boiler service company, and then shrug your shoulders. Hopefully she'll get tired of cold water before she has a very very cold night and a pipe freezes/bursts as it will in a completely unheated house..

Perhaps it's time for you and your siblings to have a serious chat about finances, she could live another 15/20 years and you could end up being bled dry by her.
One person doesn't need a 3 bed house.
A bloody orangery!! she's hardly skint!

Stop paying for her taxis or collecting her for showers immediately- just be up front with her that you can’t afford it and she needs to get the boiler fixed/new one installed.

Ridiculous that she thinks she should get a freebie, but stop playing along with the facade.

My sister is more up front with her than I am tbh. She guilt trips quite a lot and so if we say anything really honest starts crying or getting moody. It's always been the same. I'm probably the one who enables it though as I struggle (even now in my 40s) upsetting people by being assertive and upfront, even her.

She really should be keeping some savings back as an emergency fund. What would she do now if something else major was wrong with the house like needing a new roof ?

The NHS pension she gets from your late DF will be half of what his full pension was and will also go up 10% this year. This increase would pay for a new boiler in itself as I can’t imagine half of your DF’s NHS pension is less than 20k.

if we say anything really honest starts crying or getting moody
Well, let her. She's happy to exploit you, happy to exploit charities. She isn't keeping anything back as an emergency fund deliberately so that someone else (you, your sister, another charity) has to pick up the tab for her.

Instead of spending money on her taxis and showers, I would invest that in at least some books on dealing with toxic parents. I fear this is only going to get worse once she's poured all the money into the house.

You’re right, she can spend her money how she wants. Don’t facilitate it though. A clear no to the showers and I’d also be telling her what I thought about her using charity she doesn’t need.

She probably thinks that if she has no spare cash, she can avoid care home fees - not the case!

In laws like this.

Constantly moan about having no money yet last year and this year have two abroad holidays booked

They also plead poverty with their electric and how they have to turn the heating down

They must have forgotten the conversation because the next time we saw them they were v pleased about the extra £600 c o l payment as it's covered their spending money when they're away

Tallulah, That's pretty much what she thinks. She's spoken about it before. I just hope we don't end up having to pay for it. There's no way we can afford to help with it any time in the near future. That's a worry.

''She isn't keeping anything back as an emergency fund deliberately so that someone else (you, your sister, another charity) has to pick up the tab for her.''
She thinks she'll get free care I think like Tallulah said if she doesn't have any savings left.

She thinks she'll get free care I think like Tallulah said if she doesn't have any savings left.

Yep but where does she think the money's coming from if the roof needs replacing, or the cooker or something needs rewiring ... is she assuming all of that would be funded out of her buildings insurance?

She does relieze they'll want proof she can't afford it? Bank statements that will show she's just spent all this money?

I wouldn't help her and force her to buy a new boiler why an earth does she need a bigger house when it's just her?

No they'll expect her to sell the house.

But the care wouldn't be 'free'. Other taxpayers would be paying for it.
Not quite sure why she would think that's ok.

It all seems a bit stupid because if she needs to go into a care home and the house is in her name only it will be sold to fund it!

Grrr makes me so annoyed, people expecting to be taken care of by the state and taking no responsibility. I genuinely think less and less will be funded because there are not enough tax payers to fund the rapidly increasing elderly population.

100% my thoughts. There are so many that need extra help that don't get what they need and it's appalling.
Very grabby and entitled.
I'm not directing at you, OP.
She's being rude to you also by using your resources when you have kids to look after. Not ok.
Can you say no and tell her why?

Just this.

They drive me crackers. I knew a couple once who desperately needed care but wouldn’t pay for it. Happy to bounce in and out of hospital every few weeks due to the lack of care amd constantly moan. It’s the entitled attitude of I’ve paid for it so I should have all this. No , they haven’t paid anywhere near what they think they’ve paid.

Anyway back to your mum- if she had any concept of how dire council funded care is she would save like mad for carers. The reality is 15 minute ping vists to stick a microwaved meal in and 30 minute care calls max 3 times a day unless actively dying. Council funded care homes can be lovely places but frequently the furnishings are dated by 20 years as there’s no money. If she hung onto her money she’d have a lot more choice and control over her care. Is there anyone who can have this conversation with her? I dot blame you for not wanting to subsidise her choices either.