Elderly parent spending but won't get a new boiler.

[middleoftheroadlife]

My mum is 76 and she was living in a 4 bed property by herself until last year when she moved into a 3 bed. Now, the 3 bed is 'too small' ( It's no smaller than the average 3 bed) and she's wanting an extension and has already had a big orangery put in. She's extending to have a whole new kitchen and dining area which is obviously costing her quite a lot. She keeps on about how she wants to put all her savings into the house (bought at the height of the pandemic in a rush). I think she's thinking she won't have to pay for care if she spends it all on the house ( My dad died some years ago and had a good pension/life insurance/savings etc which obviously transferred to my mum along with the house).
But everytime she calls she's saying how she doesn't have much money and how things are expensive etc and how little she gets in pension etc (dad was a doctor for all his working life in the NHS so had a decent pension I think).

She told me a few days ago her boiler was broken and she has no hot water or heating. She was going to get a new boiler. She's called me tonight saying she thinks she can get a free one after she's spent all her money on the building works ( which will be weeks away). Apparently she called Age Concern or Nest who told her about it.
She's going around to have showers at friends houses and has asked me if she can have them here too.
I'm on my own with 3 children and work full time but I'm on a low income at the moment. I am managing ok but I can't afford any extras especially more on water bills at the moment. If she comes here I usually have to pay her taxi bill or collect her (she doesn't drive) as she'll say she doesn't have the cash or say she doesn't have much money at the moment while at the same time telling me about her expenditures on the house.

Of course, it's totally up to her what she spends her money on and I guess none of my business but when she's using friends and family to have showers so she can get a free boiler further down the line seems a bit excessive.

She's very defensive so I can't really say anything to her in a direct way. She knows best. She wants to keep up appearances and can be quite a snob but on the other hand is happy to go without a boiler for weeks to get something free. I think anyone who needs help with heating etc should get it and I really do feel for the poor pensioners who really can't afford heating and electric this winter. It's heartbreaking to watch but this is a choice.

It's never too late to learn to say no. She's treating you pretty badly. Let her cry with frustration and self pity because people aren't putting her ridiculous demands before their own family's needs. Stop paying for her taxis and don't even think of letting her use your shower.
You would NOT be obliged to pay for her care if she claims she has no money. Don't let her con you into believing you could be financially responsible for her. It simply isn't the case.

Don't be sorry thepatron. We've never been that close tbh for different reasons and us children see through some of it ( not all). Yes, I think I'm a little resentful she's had everything on a plate without having to work or struggle but this attitude that she's hard up and tells me constantly how she's got no money just makes me annoyed. I'd rather have a poor, genuine parent who is straightforward and honest.

I've not been well recently. Actually been through a 2 week cancer pathway with a lot of stress. During that time, she was here and my daughter caught her crying downstairs. I asked my daughter what she was crying about thinking she might be upset about my health. My daughter said she was crying because one of the builders pulled out and she'd have to wait to find another one.
Thankfully no cancer was found afterwards but we didn't know this at the time and I was feeling awful. Her kitchen was more important. And BTW, the kitchen already installed was new and just put in by the owner before sale.
It's too dark for her so obviously this is essential and urgent work!

my daughter caught her crying downstairs. I asked my daughter what she was crying about thinking she might be upset about my health. My daughter said she was crying because one of the builders pulled out and she'd have to wait to find another one.
That is absolutely awful. Please don’t feel obliged to indulge this dreadful woman any longer.

Have a look at the website yourself. I imagine it will say that she has to be on pension credit or income under x amount per year.

Then, once she realises she doesn’t fit the requirements, remind her she will get done for fraud if she pretends that she earns a pittance and they will catch her out when they go to view her bank statements and savings account.

The penny should then drop and she should realise that a cash investment is required.

Tell her your gas and electric direct debit has gone up and you’re not in a position to be spending money on taxis anymore. You could let her have a few showers and then advise that the water bill will be going up due to increased useage so she’ll have to contribute if she wishes to continue.

it’s highly likely that she will play the aggrieved mother though. Sorry.

Yes, it does Elieza. I hope they do look at her accounts and statements for the past 3-6 months and work it out for themselves. No doubt she'll find a way around it though.