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Original poster

Divorce Settlement

33 replies

Gingernut55 · 10/12/2022 23:42

Just looking for some advice. I’ve been married for 27 years and suspected my husband was having an affair. Suspicions confirmed in October when I found his shirt covered in lipstick and foundation. He tried to deny it at first but then left saying we hadn’t been happy for ages. Shes 28. We’re both 55. He is a Director of the firm he works for and he works with her. He earns £90k pa. I gave up full-time employment in 2000 when I had my daughter. I started back part-time when she started school in 2005. I earn around £9k. This suited our lifestyle as I ran the home, looked after our daughter, whilst he built his career. He’s now saying 50/50 split on the house and I can keep the remainder of the money I inherited from my parents (about £70k). I’m happy to get a full time job but it’s not going to happen overnight. Just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position.

OP posts:
EL0ISE · 10/12/2022 23:51

Sadly lots of other women have been in exactly your position.

You need to collect all the information you can about all your individual and joint assets and take it to a solicitor. The starting point is 50:50, including his pension, savings, share options etc which will almost certainly be worth more than your house.

Does your daughter still live at home?

Original poster
Gingernut55 · 10/12/2022 23:54

Yes she does. Their relationship has completely broken down as she can’t believe he could ever do this as he was always so dependable and the girl he’s left for is only 6 years older than her. He’s only had a pension since they became mandatory about 10/12 years ago and doesn’t have shares in the company.

OP posts:
Sandia1 · 11/12/2022 00:01

I'm really sorry to hear that your husband has not treated you well and had an affair. He earns a lot more than you and that is partly down to you, because you have supported him. So your daughter is grown up now, and therefore there would be no talk of child maintenance. However, if you went through a solicitor, you would absolutely be entitled to spousal maintenance, which takes into account the fact that he has built up his career and you have been at home supporting him (and doing everything in the house, I expect). It may well then be worth going through a solicitor for this reason. His future earning potential is a lot higher than yours, so you need to have that taken into account. You can't earn as much as him overnight (if you ever will). You would also be entitled to more than 50/50 of the assets. Arm yourself with knowledge. For starters, go to as many different solicitors as you can to get some free advice. Have a clear list of your situation to save wasting time explaining it, as some only give a free half hour. Even if it costs you a few grand to go through a solicitor, it could be worth a lot more in the long run. Your other alternative is mediation, but they cannot make the decisions for you. If you know your rights/what a judge would be likely to award you in court, you will be in a much better position. Good luck and don't let him get away with not supporting you.

EL0ISE · 11/12/2022 00:03

Most men of 55 who earn £90k a year have big pensions. You might be surprised .

Collect all the paperwork you can and see a solicitor. Agree nothing with your husband.

Sorry I know it’s all a bit shit for you and your DD. Are your friends / family / colleagues supportive?

EL0ISE · 11/12/2022 00:20

About the pension - there’s a poster on here called Stuckinpollyannamode who have been through similar, although her kids are younger.

She believed the equity in their house was 250k but it was 350k.

She was 100% sure he had no pension. First she found the 150k pension. Then she found the 500k pension.

Not the exact figures but it was something like that.

Original poster
Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 00:32

I honestly don’t think his pension is worth much but I’ve definitely supported him as he climbed the career ladder. He’s always worked ridiculously long hours (because he wanted to further his career) and to be honest, put his job before us but I became used to it. It was such a shock to find out about the affair as he’s really never been interested in other women. My husband has always been racist (I’m definitely not) and this girl is Indian so another thing that’s come as a massive shock to my daughter and I. He can rot as far as I’m concerned but can’t believe the betrayal after the length of marriage. I do have good support from family and friends and my poor daughter, although devastated, has been brilliant. Also to add that she has Crohn’s and although well controlled leaves me in fear that all the stress will cause a flare.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 11/12/2022 00:36

OP, I have been married 18 years, 50, divorcing my nasty husband.

My husband has, several flats I didn[t know about.

Your husband has a big pension. I would bet on it.

Original poster
Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 00:39

I’m 100% sure he doesn’t. Up until he left, he never opened a letter that came to him. I dealt with all the post so know what pensions he has. I still think the disparity in our earnings and length of marriage etc. must have some bearing.

OP posts:
silentpool · 11/12/2022 00:51

OP, you don't know your husband anymore. He will not be acting in your best interests so don't agree anything with him, without seeing evidence of his assets.

Please act in your best interests and see a lawyer to arrange the best possible split.

In the meanwhile, how does your private pension look? Have you paid in enough NI for your state pension?

adriftabroad · 11/12/2022 00:56

Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 00:39

I’m 100% sure he doesn’t. Up until he left, he never opened a letter that came to him. I dealt with all the post so know what pensions he has. I still think the disparity in our earnings and length of marriage etc. must have some bearing.

Yes.

Me too. I am not stupid either. But he let me think I knew what our marriage was, except it wasn[t.

Please believe me... he checked out a long time ago and no, he is not your friend and yes, he does have assets you know nothing of. 100%

adriftabroad · 11/12/2022 00:57

Of course economic disparity and a long marriage are huge factors too.

WillMellorsHips · 11/12/2022 01:02

You need to fill in a form E which will line up your pension against his and all the other marital assets. From that you can work towards the principle of equality for both of you. Someone above said you will absolutely get maintenance. This is not correct - you need to see a solicitor. Courts like a clean break.

TheTeenageYears · 11/12/2022 01:11

Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 00:39

I’m 100% sure he doesn’t. Up until he left, he never opened a letter that came to him. I dealt with all the post so know what pensions he has. I still think the disparity in our earnings and length of marriage etc. must have some bearing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have nothing useful to add except to say I am exactly the same as you in that DH has nothing to do with anything financial including his own work HR. He absolutely wouldn't have anything savings/asset/pension related I didn't know about as he has chosen to spend 30 years not dealing with any of it so I can understand why you would think there is no chance of that being the case.

Original poster
Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 01:22

Yes, I’ve paid in enough NI contributions and I’ve got 3 pensions and an in the process of finding out their worth. There won’t be amazing. I’ve spoken to a solicitor and she told me to try and thrash out a settlement with him and come back to her if we can’t. I don’t think we’ll be able to do I’m ready for a fight.

OP posts:
EL0ISE · 11/12/2022 09:05

Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 01:22

Yes, I’ve paid in enough NI contributions and I’ve got 3 pensions and an in the process of finding out their worth. There won’t be amazing. I’ve spoken to a solicitor and she told me to try and thrash out a settlement with him and come back to her if we can’t. I don’t think we’ll be able to do I’m ready for a fight.

This is really terrible advice . How can you agree it yourself if you don’t know what you are entitled to and the size of your assets.

You are not a tough negotiator. How do I know ? Because you are doing all the unpaid low status work and he is doing all the well paid high status work in your marriage. So you start off this negotiation on the back foot.

Fimd amother solicitor. Ask around - someone will know someone good.

Original poster
Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 10:13

She’s the best I’ve spoken to. She said ideally if you can sort it between you to save on expensive legal fees, do that. If not, come back and she’ll act on my behalf. I’m hoping he’ll be reasonable. He’s still paying his full salary into our joint account but not sure he’ll agree to what I want financially

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 11/12/2022 10:26

Spousal Maintenence is very unlikely these days go for a clean break and start over. So sorry I hope it’s not too acrimonious.

Original poster
Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 10:29

I’m now looking for a full time job. I’ve read and heard so much conflicting advice. I just want to be rid of him now but still can’t believe this has happened after 27 years but what can you do. Just hope he falls flat on his face.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 11/12/2022 10:34

Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 00:39

I’m 100% sure he doesn’t. Up until he left, he never opened a letter that came to him. I dealt with all the post so know what pensions he has. I still think the disparity in our earnings and length of marriage etc. must have some bearing.

None of my work pension information comes to me by post at home. It's all soft copies or on their platform.

Noone who lived with me would know anything about it.

WillMellorsHips · 11/12/2022 18:15

Gingernut55 · 11/12/2022 01:22

Yes, I’ve paid in enough NI contributions and I’ve got 3 pensions and an in the process of finding out their worth. There won’t be amazing. I’ve spoken to a solicitor and she told me to try and thrash out a settlement with him and come back to her if we can’t. I don’t think we’ll be able to do I’m ready for a fight.

She doesn't sound like a solicitor worth having tbh. I'm not one of those who say yo bleed him dry but you do need someone on your side who can advise you on what you are entitled to. Your H will be able to claim half of your pensions if he says he has none which I don't believe anyway. You both need to get an up to date CETV of the worth of your pensions - all of them to compare. Find a new solicitor.

WillMellorsHips · 11/12/2022 18:16

VanGoghsDog · 11/12/2022 10:34

None of my work pension information comes to me by post at home. It's all soft copies or on their platform.

Noone who lived with me would know anything about it.

Show quote history

Yes that is the situation here too.

CrankyOnsie · 11/12/2022 18:28

Don't agree to anything. Play dumb, then get a solicitor. He is not your friend, he is trying to save as much as possible for his new life.

Tell him "I am not greedy, I just want what I am legally entitled to. I will respect whatever decision the judge makes for me".

BetterFuture1985 · 11/12/2022 20:33

Sandia1 · 11/12/2022 00:01

I'm really sorry to hear that your husband has not treated you well and had an affair. He earns a lot more than you and that is partly down to you, because you have supported him. So your daughter is grown up now, and therefore there would be no talk of child maintenance. However, if you went through a solicitor, you would absolutely be entitled to spousal maintenance, which takes into account the fact that he has built up his career and you have been at home supporting him (and doing everything in the house, I expect). It may well then be worth going through a solicitor for this reason. His future earning potential is a lot higher than yours, so you need to have that taken into account. You can't earn as much as him overnight (if you ever will). You would also be entitled to more than 50/50 of the assets. Arm yourself with knowledge. For starters, go to as many different solicitors as you can to get some free advice. Have a clear list of your situation to save wasting time explaining it, as some only give a free half hour. Even if it costs you a few grand to go through a solicitor, it could be worth a lot more in the long run. Your other alternative is mediation, but they cannot make the decisions for you. If you know your rights/what a judge would be likely to award you in court, you will be in a much better position. Good luck and don't let him get away with not supporting you.

This is debatable. If he earned well into six figures then maybe there would be some merit to the "building a career" argument but on £90k there really isn't. Also, there's a big question mark hanging over the OP; if her daughter is already 22 then why on earth hasn't she been working full time for a long time already?

If the assets are sufficient to house the OP in a one bed flat I suspect she will be expected to go to full time hours. 50/50 on all assets including pension and that will be the end of it.

ArcticSkewer · 11/12/2022 20:40

Did you see his payslips? They would at least show deductions made for pensions via salary. If you've seen his tax self assessment end of year figures those would have information about other pension contributions.
It's hugely tax advantageous to pay into a pension on £90k. I can't see him not doing it.
He will have been preparing for this for some time.
I expect there are hidden assets.
Sorry op as well, it's crap!

LadyLapsang · 11/12/2022 23:50

I really think he will have quite a lot in pensions. When you were making financial plans as a couple didn’t you go though your pension plans?