Finances with husband - does this seem fair/right?

[AnonyHB]

Hi all,

Not sure who to ask about this and don’t feel comfortable asking friends as don’t want them to know about the situation.

In short, my husband and I are both high earners but he has been a high earner since graduating 17 years ago. He was then gifted half the family business about ten years ago so as well as being high earner (£120k plus) he also puts car, mobile phone etc through business and has access to extra money if he ever needs or wants to take out more. He works 3 days per week.

I earn about £40k less than him. To do this I work full time and then top up income through self employed work which fluctuates.

He bought our house 10 years ago. At that point we had been together approx 2 years but weren’t married. I was a student and not earning. House has always been in his name since. He paid mortgage and council tax, I paid everything else (bills, food, dogs, cleaner etc). We got married 5 years ago and now have a child. Nursery bill split equally between us at the moment.

He has paid for work to be done to house although I’ve also contributed (approx £50k I’ve given) despite never been named on house.

He is in a fortunate position that he has paid off the mortgage now, having decided he didn’t like the way the markets were going with interest rates. Meanwhile, my bills have accumulated and increased year on year. At this point he has no outgoings for household other than council tax and half nursery fees. I pay everything else, plus half nursery fees, to the tune of approximately £1800 per month. I also have obvious additional costs like my car, phone etc.

I can’t figure out if this is OK - that for the rest of our lives I continue to pay for everything on my own because he has paid the mortgage off. I feel it’s not right but can’t quite articulate the problem because in theory he could have chosen not to pay off mortgage and would then still have a monthly outgoing which, with council tax, would probably be similar in £ to mine.

Would appreciate opinions. I would love to get independent advice but husband not interested and I’ve told him I feel a bit weird about our financial situation but he ignores me.

Your situation seems to be complete mess. I think you need to pull together a spreadsheet of all the costs you ha due both paid over the years and now. He does nothing around the house, nothing (to be honest) with his child and nothing for you. You are obviously very comfortable but are you happy and can you see yourself happy with him (he is not going to change) in 10/20/30 years time? I think you need to see a solicitor immediately and on your him and talk through the house, the business, these new investments he is setting up.

I think from the beginning you should have been added to the house and when working, paid half the mortgage. Then spilit the rest of the bills. (50%/50% or 60%/40%) Not fair that one of you gets to pay a pill that is finite and results in an asset, the other is basically throwing money away.

So I would, moving forward, if you want to stay in this marriage, try and make this arrangement starting now. You get added as part owner of the house, spit other bills. Maybe you need a money advisor or marriage counselor to make it work.

OP, I met my husband while I was studying PG, too. When I moved with him, he already had a mortgage for more than a decade. So, I paid boarding/rent to him on top of bills that was split based on our earning. My name is obviously not on the house deed. Anyway, once we got married, the financial arrangement stayed the same, but I requested to have a joint account for the bills, with each of us contributed based on our earning ratio. I still did not contribute towards his mortgage and not named in his house. To be honest, I dont feel I have the right to.

Once we were about to have our DD, we bought a house together. I used my saving as down payments, and he used his equities in the house; and we paid the mortgage together (split based on our earnings ratio and updated as my earning grew and/or bills changed). Obviously my name is on the house deed from the beginning.
About childcare and housework, to be honest, my first 5 years was full of resentment as most child care would fall on to me, on top of working full time and doing house chores (cooking, laundry, cleaning - I refused paying cleaners as I was hell bent scrimping to pay up ur mortgage in less than 7 years). We had countless arguments of him gallivanting etc. But now that our DD is in primary school, it is much better and things are back to 50/5o when it comes yo childcare and house chores.

I guess, what I am trying to say is, if you really think you can take it forward yourself (financially and mentally) and you really don't want to stay in the marriage, then perhaps divorce is an option. However, going it alone is not as rosy. There are often days that I am so grateful that my DH is around to share the load with me.

It is worth it to discuss all things (childcare etc) and work out financially (restropesctively) if needs be to clearly show how much each have contributed and should contribute (this includes spending on holidays if only one party pay for them). Then you could propose some actions to address the issues. Figures/numbers don't lie.

Honestly I can’t call it because he paid the mortgage off and if he pays half the bills he’s savings down and paying bills . Where as you paid nothing to mortgage yet only gave to stump up 1/2 the bills

Don't forget the OP paid £50k for renovations too.

And previously she paid all the bills, so he only had to worry about the mortgage and nothing else. He didn't have to pay council tax, utilities or food etc. He has benefitted from her input just as much as she has benefitted from his. But now that the mortgage is done, it's totally unequal.

They need to split all essential spending in accordance with a sensible percentage split going forwards.

The financial situation could be fixed with an evaluation and discussion and an overhaul agreed on the principal of being a loving team. However I think you're right when you say it's a symptom of broader and more difficult issues between you.

In your shoes I would be thinking over whether I wanted to stay in the marriage at all. In the meantime seeing a solicitor with as much evidence as I could gather and getting advice.

He sounds like an immature twat tbh.
I had a partner like this - his parents literally spoiled him. always felt like I should be 'grateful' to live rent/mortgage free but pay for everything (expensive tastes) whilst he never lifted a finger.
Ended up moving out and I was actually better off paying 100% my own way.
You're married, you'd be entitled to a lot.

I'm curious how big the house is? £1800 seems very high. Does that include the nursery fees?

@Tangelablue £500 food, £480 gas and electric, £50 water, £100 tv, broadband and phone, £200 cleaner, £150 dog Walker, £100 dog insurance, £30 house insurance.

Nursery on top, £950 divided between us, so £475 for me.

DD activities are approx £100 per month (classes etc). Then clothes, nappies etc probably another £50.

The thing is @AnonyHB he has money twice - he has the money in the house and now he has paid that off has all his money because you are paying for everything

And you are losing twice - paying all the bills and not having any savings

Your husband is not acting like he is married - if you left him it would serve him right.

If you do, you should get 50% of everything plus significant child maintenance.

Maybe you should jack your job in and let him pay for everything.

you deserve to be love and feel loved. You deserve to be cherished too.
You deserve to be happy.

You need out.

You are a team and you're being very generous in my opinion. Have you spoke to him? Maybe he doesn't realise?

Sad that your actually thinking of divorce, and penalizing him for being financially astute. While I agree he should be contributing to housework, and looking after your child, you seem to resent the fact that he works 3 days a week, and investing his extra money in property. As long as he contributes his share, why does this matter?!

In the event of a divorce, they'll look at assets at start of marriage, length of marriage and financial contributions to any assets, so don't assume you'll naturally get 1/2. This thread is one of the reasons people shouldn't get married.

Zombie

To add, you don't appear to be asking for genuine opinions, rather you're hoping people will agree with you imo.

Yes! And let's hope the OP is in a much better situation by now.