Finances with husband - does this seem fair/right?

[AnonyHB]

Hi all,

Not sure who to ask about this and don’t feel comfortable asking friends as don’t want them to know about the situation.

In short, my husband and I are both high earners but he has been a high earner since graduating 17 years ago. He was then gifted half the family business about ten years ago so as well as being high earner (£120k plus) he also puts car, mobile phone etc through business and has access to extra money if he ever needs or wants to take out more. He works 3 days per week.

I earn about £40k less than him. To do this I work full time and then top up income through self employed work which fluctuates.

He bought our house 10 years ago. At that point we had been together approx 2 years but weren’t married. I was a student and not earning. House has always been in his name since. He paid mortgage and council tax, I paid everything else (bills, food, dogs, cleaner etc). We got married 5 years ago and now have a child. Nursery bill split equally between us at the moment.

He has paid for work to be done to house although I’ve also contributed (approx £50k I’ve given) despite never been named on house.

He is in a fortunate position that he has paid off the mortgage now, having decided he didn’t like the way the markets were going with interest rates. Meanwhile, my bills have accumulated and increased year on year. At this point he has no outgoings for household other than council tax and half nursery fees. I pay everything else, plus half nursery fees, to the tune of approximately £1800 per month. I also have obvious additional costs like my car, phone etc.

I can’t figure out if this is OK - that for the rest of our lives I continue to pay for everything on my own because he has paid the mortgage off. I feel it’s not right but can’t quite articulate the problem because in theory he could have chosen not to pay off mortgage and would then still have a monthly outgoing which, with council tax, would probably be similar in £ to mine.

Would appreciate opinions. I would love to get independent advice but husband not interested and I’ve told him I feel a bit weird about our financial situation but he ignores me.

i would go down the line of

He paid off the mortgage due to increased rates
However this isn’t an option for you as you pay bills and these will continue to rise
If he’s home two extra days you are paying his share of the hearing bills when he’s home -

You need to be practical about this

Write a list of everything you pay for -
I would include birthday gifts - clothes - shopping etc
Every last penny.
Then I would write a list of everything you do in the home.

Then sit down and talk about it -

Tell him he’s to take on the washing/cleaning or anything else that needs doing

Then tell him you are setting up a joint account for all outgoings and you’ll add X and he’s to add Y

Well that’s the issue with making shortsighted decisions. I’ll say again majority of marriages today are just friends with benefits not true partnerships.

For clarity - I owned my first home and paid the deposit - this enabled us to move up the ladder and we are now married with three kids -
DH earns more and he pays the mortgage and shopping and bills and savings
I pay personal expenses, petrol, TV licence etc

I agree this is grossly unfair but I disagree about the nursery suggestion.
OP works 5 days per week and needs childcare for those 5 days. She's paying a 50/50 split with him. She can't just co-opt his time for childcare any more than he should be able to co-opt hers.

I do think you should stop buying food for him, as per PP cancel any subscriptions insurances which don't benefit you.

That’s a ridiculous way to view household finances. They should be partners working together not each person doing their own thing irrespective of how it affects the other.

I’ve seen marriages and even posts here where one partner gets to save monthly and the other barely covers her share and sometimes even goes into debt and the better off partner has a view of I’ve paid my share so I don’t care. How the fuck is that a marriage???

So your paying all the bills, half the nursery bills and doing all the childcare and housework while he only works 3 days a week?

That's not fair. You'd get more if you divorced. I would be stopping the childcare the days he's not at work and expecting him to look after his child! Does he do anything with your child or is he a rubbish dad too?

You’ve given him a daughter. Make that point as it’s at least equal to paying off a mortgage infact it’s priceless

I would get some legal advice regarding the house - especially the money you have paid

But none of this is fair - he paid off the mortgage because you paid for everything else

I’m agreeing it’s unfair

If I were you, I'd drop down to 3 days a week like DH. Have your DC at home with you for a couple of days.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It’s a relief to know I’m not being totally unreasonable. I know I need to properly sit down with him and discuss it. The finances might improve/he may reluctantly agree to this but I suppose bigger issues are his general attitude which the finances are a symptom of. I need to do some thinking. He was pretty selfish as a dad for first 2 years and left eveherhing to me. Since she turned 2 he does a bit more, partly because I just couldn’t cope and was on verge on leaving him and partly because she has got easier. So he puts her to her most nights and takes her to a trampolining class Saturday morning. I’ve obviously arrange and pay for that although I ask for money at end of month for his contribution to nursery fees and classes etc so he does end up paying half of those things. But the only reason she has clothes on her back, has food in her belly, has any activities etc is because I organise it. If he looks after on his own he has TV on for herself and she just entertains herself. For eg I went to gym class yesterday while he took her to her class. When I got home it was her lunch time but he hasn’t sorted it (only has to heat it up as I had made it and put in fridge ready), her nappy needed changing, the house was a mess and he was busy watching James Martin…

That's where you need to step up and say "right husband, why isn't her nappy been changed? Why hasn't she had lunch? Why are you just sat on your arse?! I am not your maid, you need to do 50 percent of the parenting otherwise what is the bloody point."

With the caveat that DH and I are accountants and therefore have a very businesslike (and spreadsheet-based) approach to money, I'd calculate what's he's paid in the mortgage over the years and what you've paid in the other bills. Then I'd see how that was split relative to income ie overall have you paid 40% of costs (or whatever the % of your total income your pay is). As soon as you've reached that, I'd want to split the ongoing costs. Obviously there will be some assumptions to make and it won't be totally accurate but, given you can't chance the financial set up you've had for the last decade, it seems fair to me.

Thanks again for the further replies.

when he bought the house 10 years ago I didn’t earn at all as was doing PG study. That went on for 4 years - I got a stipend and did some teaching to top up but didn’t earn much (probably about 25% of what he earned). I got first proper salary 4 years ago which at that point was again approx 25% of what he earned. I’ve worked hard over last 4 years to double my salary, and then have grown some additional self employed income over same time which means I’m now earning approx two thirds of what he does. So for many years the 60/40 split would have it been equitable, it’s only in last few years I’ve earned something like that. However the self employed income is in addition to my full time work and it fluctuates each year and isn’t guaranteed. It depends on what I successfully tender for/I’m commissioned for.

in relation to the two days he doesn’t work - he has chosen to fill that time with setting up an additional business which is not profitable but he enjoys as a bit of a hobby. So if I suggested he have our child he would now say he can’t as he is working. Although in reality he spends a lot of those days messing around, running etc.

we also have two dogs and he never offers to walk them. Will do it reluctantly if I ask. Expectation is that I get up early to do it before work, even on the days he is ‘off’. He runs every Sunday 9am-1pm. Runs two marathons a year so almost always in training for them. So as an example I get up at 7.30 Sunday to get dogs walked before he goes as hard to do it with toddler as well. He gives toddler breakfast then off he goes running for 4 hours. He will say I wanted dogs more than him/he wasn’t fussed about them (this is true) so it’s not really his responsibility. He takes similar attitude with our child.

This isnt a true partnership, either in finances or in working together as a team. And no, it's not fair - you're working full time just to stand still financially while he lives a very cushy life.

DH and I are working towards financial goals together. When we can afford to go part time we will do so together. That's a marriage.

He will say I wanted dogs more than him/he wasn’t fussed about them (this is true) so it’s not really his responsibility. He takes similar attitude with our child.

If he didn't want the dogs, this is fair.

But if he didn't want to do childcare he should have worn a bloody condom.

It wasn’t quite that he didn’t want them, more than he was on the fence but he tends to be like that with all decision making. I’ve found that it’s largely to avoid accountability or responsibility as he can always tell back on claim he wasn’t bothered/someone else made the final decision :/ he describes this as being a bit indecisive but I think it’s a strategic thing tbh

It never ceases to amaze me why high het worth individuals with assets get married. It is basically throwing money away and giving power to the lower earner. Certainly I am never doing that. The bit about him being unsure on kids yet still did it shows that the op leaving could cause him to loose half his hard worked for assets if they split. Just don't get married, there are more than enough women happy to live the lifestyle of a hight earners partner without the marriage commitment. Overall it doesn't seem wrong the setup to me. The assets have become joint. He only needs to work three days but it's not his fault you don't earn enough to do the same so he shouldn't have to look after children on those days off if the op isn't. If anything you should be pleased he is investing in a source of income for the future.

Yes, it's pretty convenient for him

Wow. Throwing money anyway to the lower earner. Not quite sure how I’m this situation my husband has thrown anything away 😂

It's not ops mortgage though. I think because he earns more he should cover the nursery fees or most of them.

DONT GO HAVING MORE KIDS OP.

I think the fact your name isn't on the house adds to the absurdity of this situation.

I think it is worse than that, really. OP is not just working harder to stand still financially, she is working harder to pay all the bills, if I understand correctly, because his argument is that he paid off the mortgage. Never mind that he was able to do so not only because of his own income, but because OP has been paying the bills and nursery costs as much as she has been able to at the start and then in full. If someone paid my bills, food and childcare costs, my mortgage would have been paid off too.

following his logic, at what point does he consider your half of the costs paid and he starts contributing again? You have put in £50k and paid everything but the mortgage for some time now. How much does that add up to? How does it compare to his input? How many more years would you need to pay for everything for that to balance (and still not have your name on the house)?

The other side of the coin is that your £50k could have been a deposit for your own place and you could have paid your own mortgage and costs if you weren’t paying everything for him.

And not only are you now paying for everything, you are doing it all too. All because he has put a roof over your head and a ring on your finger. As previous paragraph, you could support yourself. You could have supported yourself on PG stipend and teaching, that is not unknown. But you contributed to his life and in the end, also his financial asset.

I am bringing two children up on less than £80k a year, just saying.

You're absolutely right @Ameadowwalk

If you were divorcing, you would find your financial situation viewed very differently by the courts. He doesn't appear to see the three of you as a single family unit.