Should I take DH off the mortgage?

[WishIWasACavewoman]

House renovations have run over budget (older property, extra problems), so booked bank appointment to discuss taking the balance out of equity. In the initial conversation the advisor said that in his view there should be no problem, with my salary and the amount of equity in the house.

It's a joint mortgage with me and DH named. I'm the main earner, DH is self-employed and has a history of failing to get on top of his career and money. Hes alwsys broke. All holidays, treats, house improvement, and things like school uniforms etc are on me. We both work full time. It's not that he's reckless, far from it. His confidence is low and he doesn't believe in himself, and perpetually just doesn't value himself and that comes through in his career decisions and options. He is very practical and does a lot around the house, with kids, and administers things like the household council bills etc.

I'm paying for the bulk of the renovation, it's not on the mortgage.

In the bank meeting, it emerged that he has £8k of personal debt, and the request for a mortgage extension was declined as a result.

I'm beyond furious. I've already cleared debts of his twice out of equity in the house. I've refused to do it again. The bank advisor suggested clearing his debts with what I have left in the renovation saving pot, which would mean we could get the mortgage extension even for the higher amount that would then require. But why the fuck should I?

Apart from the rage, I'm concerned about continuing to link my finances to his. He's become a liability. I was hoping that things were getting better, but this has shown both that he's not financially stable, and that we're not working as a team - I didn't know about his debt. I now don't think this will ever change.

Would I be best off asking for the mortgage to be in my sole name? I pay it anyway.

I hope he’s been claiming the child benefit (with no payment) so he’s at least gotten NI credits while the DC were under 12.

I was self employed - able to make a living comfortably.... for various reasons i gave up at 51 . I started at £9.50 an hour now on £10 an hour. I am not a high earner but earning more than your Dh..

He has children and needs to find a way to contribute.

Inorite. And the number of women who end up enabling it by making all the money and doing everything at home, because Men have their Pride and He Has to Build Up his Business.

The number of people authoritatively stating that mortgage and actual ownership of the mortgages property are linked is astonishing. You can own an interest in a property that someone else has taken out a mortgage on. The deeds are what sets out ownership, not the bank loan.

I really feel for you, my dad was your husband.

My mum now in her late 70s is in rental property as he never earnt enough past 55 for them to get back on the market after selling and moving location.

She has just about 30k in the bank and not a great outlook financially.

Unfortunately she was the generation where women didn't work as much but my mum worked all the jobs to keep us afloat because my dad couldn't, he ran his own business like a hobby.

It's awful to see after he's died how financially screwed my mum is, due to circumstances and his hobby job, she's pretty resentful as she couldn't do any more in her situation.

I have a very similar DH myself lower earner, but I'm making sure I have my future living, pensions etc all in place.

It's ok to have one partner with confidence issues, poor business sense, that's just life, it's not ok for them to hide debts and put you in a rubbish position.

PurplePansy05 · Today 07:02
Erode the last shred of coupledom?

OP, you are deluded. It's not there anyway. You aren't working as a team. No team player would be so ambivalent towards the other team player that they don't know or care how they have been making their financial contributions towards their cost of living. There clearly is very poor communication and no transparency between you

Agree with this!!

Is the debt from basic everyday living expenses/ is he suplimentjng his business or has he maybe got a gambling problem etc etc.
Until you know the answer you can’t begin to both put things right and the fact you don’t know is just staggering.

Stop thinking about extending the mortgage and repairing the house until you know what the heck is going on.

I have a very similar DH myself lower earner, but I'm making sure I have my future living, pensions etc all in place.

Be careful, if your debt ridden H decides to divorce, half of “your” pension etc, will be given to him!

If he's this bad at managing finances you have to protect your (joint) biggest asset and get the house transferred into your name. Then remove him from the mortgage.

Have separate bank accounts. Separate savings. Sever any joint risk.

Then you've protected him and your children from homelessness.

Ultimately if he keeps getting into debt he will be declared bankrupt at some point. This is the point they come after assets to cover debts. It's best if your family assets are all in your name.

It sounds harsh but I don't think you have much choice.

Years ago a friend was in a similar situation. These were gambling debts so slightly different. She decided to put all assets into her name to keep the roof over their heads.

Sadly the marriage broke down as it's a difficult thing to overcome. Her husband was still entitled to a proportion of the martial assets, as is the law, but she didn't loose the house.

Don't risk your home.

Ultimately he needs to look for a steady income that's providing more than his hobby.

OP, separate out the issues.

1. paying for the half finished renovation. It needs finishing and even if you were thinking ltb a divorce wouldn’t be quickly finalised and a half finished renovation won’t realise the full potential sale price. Talk to a mortgage broker etc, get clear headed objective professional advice about how to best manage the current financial situation
2. Your DH’s relationship with his work and its effect on your marriage. A lot of self employed people find it hard to manage the business side, and their own self motivation etc. IME especially if it is a creative role. Invest in some personal and / or business coaching for him to build his confidence and business plan? An ongoing mentor? He clearly has ability, and doesn’t sound like a lazy cynical cocklodger, so look at ways for him to achieve his potential? Also maybe some couples counselling if it is hard to communicate around his money / debt issues?

If you can both look at the solution to releasing the renovation capital as an objective business decision then he doesn’t need to feel humiliated. But it would be better financially, and happier for him, if he had more confidence in his work and it built his self esteem.

Or she.

I agree.

This isn't a partnership of any kind.

I had a similar DH, who loved running his own business that ultimately was never going to make money. I was barely above nmw at the time, and working part time doing everything for the kids as he worked 6 days a week.

It took a long time for him to see that he needed to shut down and get a job. I couldn't make him as he would have resented me for it. He was also never cut out for business. The most important thing in running your own business is the paperwork, and that's the part most people don't want to do.

He would also never have paid off the credit card debt from then if I had not taken control. Just kept on making minimum payments.

I control all of our finances now, although he is getting better. I got a full time job and we eventually even managed to move to a much needed bigger house.