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Original poster

Stay at home wife is 500 pounds to much to ask for?

28 replies

Anita29 · 15/10/2022 19:09

Hi I have been married to my husband for more then 6 years.
I am a "housewife".
I migrated to UK from India.
My husband wants me to stay at home and look after the house etc.

I have fibromyalgia and suffer from chronic fatigue. But still always put my husband's needs before my own.

During corona time's I felt I was on duty 24/7 always cooking and cleaning for him. My very close relative was dying of cancer and I was extremely sad and disturbed. Even then I was always putting my husband and his needs before anything.
Were as he has always been a very selfish and self centred man.
Since I am financially dependent on him I need to ask for permission for everything.
Even when we go grocery shopping he decides what I can buy and what not.
He is very controlling and keeps and eye on everything I do.

In public he pretends to be a very loving husband but when we are alone he doesn't care about me at all.
He always gives others the impression that I am clumsy and dumb hence he need to be in charge of everything.
We have zero sex life because he doesn't won't to get intimate with me.
In the name of "English sense of humour" he always say hateful things to me and when I react he says I don't understand sarcasm.
He keeps telling me to lose weight but I have a medical condition that makes it very challenging. I am trying my best.
With time I have realised that I just can't deal with this toxic marriage anymore, I tried convincing him to amicably get a divorce.
We are religiously married, hence our marriage is not registered in UK. Hence he has no responsibility to share anything with me even if we get divorced.

I feel now I have had enough and I tried giving him ultimatum. Either he divorce me or respect me as his wife and equal partner.
He doesn't wish to divorce me, he just want things to continue as they are continuing.

He is highly educated and director of a very well known IT firm. He earns extremely well but extremely stingy towards me.
He recently bought a luxury apartment in in one of India's most expensive cities for his mother. He had previously already bought properties in his mother's name and she is living a very luxurious life.
Since my husband is a mommy's boy
I don't have any say in our marriage because every decision is made by him and his mother. He acts like a surrogate husband for his 64 years old mother.
I am a third wheel in my own marriage.

I don't wish to live like this anymore, I want him to either divorce me amicably and let me go or if he sincerely want to make our marriage work, then he must treat me as his equal partner and respect me as a human and his wife. I have asked him multiple times to go to couples therapy but he refuse.

I have recently started to ask him for pocket money because I don't have any money to buy even essential things that I need.
He at first refused then he gave me 100 pounds a month. Then on my birthday he gave me 300 pounds. I want him to give me 500 pounds a month because he can easily afford it and when I am already working as a maid day and night I deserve to be paid for it.
Kindly advice? Am I being unfair to ask my multimillionaire husband to give me a pocket money of 500?

Since he doesn't want any children with me I have nothing to look forward to in this marriage. As fare as I know him, he will end up getting married to a younger woman once he is done with me.
Hence mentally I have accepted that he doesn't love me. I do love my husband but
I know it's one sided love.
I am extremely unhappy and miserable in mylife. Kindly advice what I should do.
I will be forever grateful to anyone who could guide me towards a solution.
Thank you🙏❤

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 15/10/2022 19:14

Ok…..

In your shoes, I would ask him for £500, yes.

i would also start picketing/saving money wherever possible. Can you open a bank account - just in your name - without him knowing? If so put your £500 a month and any other cash you can into that.

That way once you get the courage to leave, at least you will have some money to do it with.

Are you aiming to stay in the UK or return to India? Do you have family you can go to?

Jo586 · 15/10/2022 19:15

Please look for a way to move on, he sounds a pig and to spend the rest of your life unhappy is not worth it. Get a divorce, he will have to pay maintenance . I am infinitely happier in my second marriage.

Namenic · 15/10/2022 19:30

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think i would try and make a plan to leave. He is financially abusive and controlling towards you. Do you have any friends or relatives here in U.K.?

Coolhand2 · 15/10/2022 19:49

Try and save whatever money you get from him. Can't you get a part time job so you have more money to save. I know you said you are married religiously, if you divorce back in India, wouldn't he give you 50% of what he has?

sjxoxo · 15/10/2022 19:55

If you do really want to leave, you could maybe look at getting your marriage validated in the UK… I got married in france, and I could submit the paperwork to the UK and also be recognised as married there. I don’t know if it would work the same if you are only religiously married- I’m not sure what that means. If you did this you would have better rights financially and maybe in the UK. It depends on what you really want!

If I was in your position, I would absolutely ask for £500 a month, and I would force him to get the marriage recognised in the UK. This gives you some security. Then maybe you can see how things go; if he treats you better then you could stay as it improves. If he doesn’t, you’ve got the freedom to leave.

best of luck op. Whatever happens make sure you are safe and have some support xxx

YeahThanks · 15/10/2022 19:55

I think £500 per month is more than reasonable. I also think that if he refuses to break up with you then I’d suggest he commits to you by legally marrying you so that you’ve security.

Pumpkindoodles · 15/10/2022 19:57

Why do you love him
if you’re in the Uk you don’t need to wait for him to divorce you, you can file for divorce yourself
if you want to leave, leave.

if you want to stay, work out how much it would cost him to outsource your work.
£500 is more than reasonable to request if you have no bills to pay. You need more if you do.
you need to open an account and start putting at least half of that away each month in secret so you have some money for if you do decide to leave

he is financially emotionally and verbally abusive and he won’t change

please speak to womens aid

Ekátn · 15/10/2022 20:05

Op ask for the money and save as much as you can.

I very much doubt he will legally tie himself to you. You need to prepare to go it alone.

Either he will meet someone else and have 2 homes or meet someone else and end your marriage and move the new woman in.

At the moment, you aren’t even treated like a house wife. It’s slave and master. He has no use for you except working for him. He doesn’t want kids, with you. He isn’t building a future with you.

Imissmybabygirl · 15/10/2022 20:06

You are his slave. It's really bad to live your life like this. If he leaves you for someone else, you will left with nothing, not even a place to stay.

Can you work part time at all?

antipodeancanary · 16/10/2022 02:00

This poor lady can't divorce because she is not married. I don't suppose he will marry because he sounds like he has no wish to share his assets. Would you be able to remain in the UK if he wasn't supporting you op? I have no suggestions as this sounds absolutely awful.

endofthelinefinally · 16/10/2022 02:12

If you can access MN you must have access to the internet. Google Women's Aid and Modern Slavery.
There will be help lines.
Keep posting here. There is help out there and someone will come along with advice.
Meanwhile, ask your husband for more cash and save it. Otherwise, keep your head down while looking for further advice.

Appleblum · 16/10/2022 02:37

Hmmm... are you sure that your religious marriage is not legally recognised in the UK? When you migrated to the UK was your visa based on your marriage status? If so then maybe you do have some legal recourse, although it does some like he has set up everything financially to be separate from you. Could you speak to a solicitor?

I'd definitely try to divorce him OP. He's abusing you and you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this.

Vecna · 16/10/2022 02:49

Consult a solicitor and see if you're entitled to any assets or money if you leave. Then leave, regardless of the answer. You're wasting your life.

magma32 · 16/10/2022 03:07

he is abusive. I’m British born south Asian and this sort of thing seems to be accepted in some of our communities. First of all do not have any kids with him, even if he changes his mind.

second of all, did you come from India? Then the marriage must have been registered somewhere for you to be able to come here as his spouse? If that is the case divorce him and take your fair share of assets, you will be entitled to things.

if not registered then you must leave him. Nothing is worth it, your family reputation etc trust me. You’re in a good country to escape from this and it’s so good you don’t have any kids. You can easily work or claim benefits until you get a job, housing etc.

there are so many women married to men like this and they struggle to leave because of children and not having childcare to work and be free but you can just leave him and work anywhere and anytime!

please call this organisation, they’re experts in this type of relationship and these type of men and will advise you the best

www.womensaid.org.uk

try not to tell anyone in your community as they may try to talk you out of it and try to scare you. There is nothing to be scared of as you will receive plenty of help.

mathanxiety · 16/10/2022 03:12

There are organisations in the UK that could help you walk away and forge a new life.

If you are Muslim, the Muslim Women's Network can help.

If non Muslim, the Saheli Asian Women's Network.

There are others too.

Make sure you delete your history and cookies after looking at help sites.

magma32 · 16/10/2022 03:13

I doubt he will legally marry you. These type of men deliberately keep women in these situations as modern day slaves. I would honestly look into your paperwork for your marriage in India, I know with a nikah done in Pakistan, it is legally valid in the U.K. you don’t need to register it in the U.K. however if you only did the religious marriage in the U.K. and nothing in India then you won’t be entitled to his money but who cares, you can leave him and be free, no kids no baggage. Unless you prefer to be with him for the money, then you’ll just have to deal with this but please don’t bring any kids into it, you will regret it.

magma32 · 16/10/2022 03:17

By the way OP you have great written English and you seem intelligent and educated, you could get a good job here if you work for it. You don’t need his money I promise.

funzeny · 16/10/2022 03:23

What's religiously married?
If it's not recognized in UK do you need a divorce?
As a woman in England you deserve and have the right to be treat so much better. It's the first step to accsss the right help to make the first jump that's so hard

Shitfather · 16/10/2022 03:24

Don’t rule out that your marriage isn’t valid. If you were married in India and he brought you over here on a spousal visa, I think you are married legally here. I had an Islamic marriage here. It wasn’t recognized legally. Had I had an Islamic marriage in Pakistan, it would have been recognised here.
I suggest you ask this question in the legal board.

Shitfather · 16/10/2022 03:27

Just saw what @magma32 posted. I agree with her. You need to work out your status. You could get a free 30 min calm with a lawyer who would tell you.

Darbs76 · 16/10/2022 08:04

Of course you’re entitled to ask this man for £500 a month if he’s a multi millionaire. He’s so rich and you’re begging him for money, this is not a partnership. I’d make plans to leave. I’m sorry you’re being treated this way

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/10/2022 08:14

I just did a quick Google OP and there is an organisation called Indian ladies in the UK that you should contact, they advise women in your situation. You should also contact women’s aid.

Once you’ve had advice from them you need to talk to a solicitor (they can probably advice on someone experienced in this area). You need advice on how to leave your husband safely and negotiate a financial deal with him so you can stay in the UK (I’m guessing you can more easily build a life for yourself as a divorced women here than in India).

He’s not likely to agree to marry you, but he has a public profile, so will agree a financial settlement so you can leave with no bad publicity for him - but you need an experienced solicitor to work on that with you. (they will take the fee out of your settlement so don’t worry about that).

Keep quiet about this till you have a plan. Yes ask for the 500 and squirrel as much as you can away, but really you need the proper legal advice so get on with that on Monday

LuciferRising · 16/10/2022 08:15

I'm thinking modern day slave too. Please contact organisations above to ask for advice.

UserLoserInTheBoozer · 16/10/2022 08:23

He sounds like an extremely nasty man. I hope
You can find the strength to leave him. It won't be easy. Do you have any friends or family in the UK who could help you?

waffless · 16/10/2022 08:53

I bet you do not have many people here. He knows that. You were vulnerable and easy target for him. Men like this are sociopaths and you must be relief you do not have kids with that monster. I really hope that some organisation like women’s aid can help you. You can find a job and leave him. Good luck!