Pregnant high earners, how do you share finances?

[MrsmrsmrsS]

I'm early doors pregnant. I earn £100k and my partner similar, but he has the potential to earn a lot more, given his new business is taking off. I know we are lucky financially.

We are not married, but plan to be. We just planned kids first as we are late 30s, timing wise is better for us.

I'm after advice on how to approach finance chats about how we will share our finances? / How others in a similar position do? As I know when a woman is on a low wage the guy usually steps in and supports her, but is the same true for high earners, or does she affectively function like a single parent?

As I'm aware I'm very generous, very laidback, and very financially independent. I even heard myself saying 'I can save up and afford a year or 2 off work'. And he said 'you'd better cut down buying clothes etc and start saving'. And then I thought hang on a minute, my career will be on pause and suffering whilst I raise our child, meanwhile he'll be flying, and he should share that wealth with me, happily, surely. I don't want to be begging him for 'spends'.

Also, I'm considering calling the child my surname, as I don't want to have a separate surname from the baby. And I will change to his only if he proposes/marries me, which I think is fair enough. Also, because I'd like to be married for greater security.

Why can’t you just get married legally now, before baby arrives? What financial discussions did you have prior to conceiving? What’s your maternity package with your company? Have you savings and plans for private school?

To start with, before committing (eg having children, getting married), discuss and agree how finances will work. Make sure you are on the same page or long term there will be issues.

Personally I would not have accepted in a committed relationship less than similar attitudes to money and spending, completely joint finances and both of us actively engaged in big decisions/purchases, savings, investments such as pensions and ensuring both have financial security in the event of something going wrong (separating/death etc)

We are both high earners, but not married (nor we intend to be) so we keep our finances separate. We have a joint pot where all the bills, mortgage, joint expenses come out of. While I was on maternity leave and in full pay I contributed as normal 50-50). After he covered fully until I returned to work.

Our children have both surnames for ease.

Get married now. Quick registry job.
Joint account for all bills.
Joint savings account that you BOTH pay into now.
Pay your share during mat leave out of savings. Keep your stat pay to yourself.

We are both high earners and were on similar salaries when I became pregnant with our first. By the time I returned to work full time after my third maternity leave, DH earned pretty much double what I did. My first child is now ten and I’m only just starting to close the gap, and it’s still significant (over 100k). I was quite resentful at how our careers and earnings diverged over those years, but angry with society and the system that penalises mothers rather than DH. I would have been very resentful with DH too if he had kept his money for himself and suggested that I need to save to cover my maternity leave. Be very careful that you don’t agree to an inequitable financial arrangement, especially if you aren’t married.

Get married now. It's foolish to wait. If he balks, that should be very telling.

I am a high earner, though DH is on a reasonable salary too. We just worked out how much I needed to take a year off work and jointly saved up for it. In fact we hadn’t quite made it by the time the baby had been born so DH just made the rest up himself. We made it so I had the same amount of spending money etc whilst I was off so nothing really changed from a lifestyle perspective, we just saved less because we just had enough to make up my portion of contributions to the bills etc. We didn’t really have a specific conversation about it, I know some partners see mat leave as “time off” that the mother should fund but that never came up for us. My earnings allow us to have a nicer house/lifestyle than we had previously so I don’t think DH minded helping me save up to take a year off with baby.

I am the higher owner although nowhere near as high. With my first DC I was the lower earner. All money goes into a joint pot and all bills come out of there. We each transfer the same set amount to our own account each month for spending on ourselves. We both cut down on spending knowing that less will be coming in when we are off (shared parental leave).

It's not a case of being the higher earner though - you are both higher earners fundamental difference

But if you are wanting to stay off long term after statutory maternity ends because you can afford it then yes you can hardly complain about not saving in advance or lack of career progression

We worked out the difference between my maternity package and a year of my salary and saved for it together. I think took an extra three months off which I funded out of my own savings (because it was my choice). I went back to work on an 80% contract so my share of bills was lowered accordingly.

Are your pensions equal too?

If he is SE, perhaps not. In which case, don't get married.

Just have a conversation about how you will share finances whilst your earning goes down.

I would advise you marry legally now before the baby is born. It takes about. 10 minutes.

But either way, share finances - we put everything in a joined account and savings other than a certain amount we both keep for our own spends (same amount each) each month. Do not fall into the trap of taking on the baby as your financial responsibility now, it’s the path to ruin. I am the higher earner but we both earn well.

Your name or double barrel until you are married and share a name. I was clear I would never name my baby a name that was not at least shared with mine.

In your situation, he'd either commit to paying a fair share of expenses while you're on maternity leave (and I'm talking well over 50% if you're on maternity pay) and then 50% of everything going forward. And even that is unfair as it ignores the damage done to your career by taking time out.

Or I'd be kicking him out and he'd be paying a very healthy amount from that nice salary of his in child maintenance going forward.

And yes, if not married (or if married and I'd kept my surname), the baby would have my surname.

It's up to the couple, but the starting point is that (assuming it was a joint decision to have a child) any costs of raising the child, including loss of earnings, should be shared equally.

YY to getting married. Especially if you’re high earners so there might be more at stake if you break up.

Our finances are similar to yours. When I was in mat leave I paid my day to day expenses from my rental income, but stopped contributing to our joint account which is where we pay bills and the mortgage from - DH covered all of that.

I was still the financial looser from that arrangement though- DH covering bills and mortgage in no way made up for contributing 50% of my salary drop.

I was totally fine with that, as our finances are joint and we’re married. No way in hell would I have done that if we weren’t married.

Agree with @MolliciousIntent.

High earners or not is the finical principle not the same?

What's your plan 1 year off? 9 months. Its a red flag. Do you have a mortgage?

Both high earners - everything is joint - all property, savings and assets. Equal personal money each month regardless of income. We’re a family not two individuals living together.

We are both high earners. We got married before the baby because it is important to spread the economic risk associated with pregnancy and young children to both partners. Forming a legal contract helps to do that.

We decided to live on one income while I was pregnant in order to save up and also practice being on a reduced income. We pooled our incomes and banked 1/2 for the duration. Once the baby was born, we just continued the pooling practice with less coming in. When I returned to work, we kept everything pooled, but had a bigger pool to work with.

Got married
Pooled finances (everything is a joint cost which comes from one pool, including all income)
Continued to work full time, and in the years I was off for mat leave applied for and got promotions/new jobs

Financial security is very important to me, even more so now I'm a mother. I've seen too many women screwed over by surrendering their earning power, savings and essentially independence.

Thank you so much for all this super valuable advice. I’m going to keep rereading it and take up the bits which speak to me, of which there are loads. It’s a strange transition going from a super independent woman to a mother. Because as a mother you are evidentially going to have to sacrifice some career progression and earnings. So you need to somehow safeguard against that and retain your financial power, even if that means marrying and having a claim to his. I think I need to be clued up and a little more assertive on this.

I am freelance, so could imagine taking at least 12 months off. And then potentially going back like 2/3 days a week until the child is in school maybe would be a plan. We have a very affordable mortgage, and my work is well paid and very flexible.

I probably just need him to put a ring on it to put my mind at ease don’t I.

We changed nothing during pregnancy or maternity leave; we each continued putting the same amount into the joint account each month, all the way through.

We’re both high earners. I wouldn’t be cutting work at all without a) being married and b) an agreement to pool our finances. You’re taking a year off work (with all that implies for your career) to look after your (joint) baby. If you’re freelance, are you getting anything more than MA? Why on earth should you alone take the hit? Sorry if I have misunderstood.

Financial independence is great. Being taken for a mug not so much. If you were separated he’d be paying towards the baby so why wouldn’t he if you’re together?

Definitely your surname if you’re not married. Engaged is not the same. Sorry to be blunt.

It’s not just maternity leave- it’s the period after where you might drop down. It’s the pension hit and it’s the making sure he’s engaged and helping with childcare- the days when the child is sick, paying for childcare, doing drop-offs. It’s agreeing what would happen with any inheritances , how you’re dealing with expenses for the children etc.

Before I had my first baby, my husband and I earned fairly similar salaries. 6 years later he’s on triple mine. I changed and my work aspirations changed while he progressed massively. I’ve stalled but have taken a conscious decision to do that as it has worked best for our family.

I can’t imagine not having pooled finances or the protection of marriage. My sister is married and doesn’t pool so it’s possible but they seem to have a convoluted system of transferring a percentage of expenditure down to pennies into a joint account and I really couldn’t be arsed with that.

Get married or go it alone.

I agree we need to be married. We are keen to be married, but have been a bit laid back about when. But now I see the implications for the protection of the woman's finances. I also hate the idea of having kids which don't share my surname (old fashioned maybe, but there we go). I have a few friends who are unmarried with kids, but they both earn significantly more than their male partners, so perhaps it's not as paramount to their financial security to be married as it could prove for me. I'm happy to sacrifice career for kids a little, I'd like to give them enough love and time, rather than feeling torn. But it won't be solely my financial sacrifice, it'll have to be very joint. Thanks for the guidance!