Pregnant high earners, how do you share finances?

[MrsmrsmrsS]

I'm early doors pregnant. I earn £100k and my partner similar, but he has the potential to earn a lot more, given his new business is taking off. I know we are lucky financially.

We are not married, but plan to be. We just planned kids first as we are late 30s, timing wise is better for us.

I'm after advice on how to approach finance chats about how we will share our finances? / How others in a similar position do? As I know when a woman is on a low wage the guy usually steps in and supports her, but is the same true for high earners, or does she affectively function like a single parent?

As I'm aware I'm very generous, very laidback, and very financially independent. I even heard myself saying 'I can save up and afford a year or 2 off work'. And he said 'you'd better cut down buying clothes etc and start saving'. And then I thought hang on a minute, my career will be on pause and suffering whilst I raise our child, meanwhile he'll be flying, and he should share that wealth with me, happily, surely. I don't want to be begging him for 'spends'.

Also, I'm considering calling the child my surname, as I don't want to have a separate surname from the baby. And I will change to his only if he proposes/marries me, which I think is fair enough. Also, because I'd like to be married for greater security.

Married or not you can give any children your surname. We are married but I have kept my own surname and DT’s are double barrelled

And he said 'you'd better cut down buying clothes etc and start saving'.

This sentence scares the hell out of me and you need to nip this in the bud RIGHT now. Because whether or not you're married, what he's saying is that the costs of bearing a child are YOURS alone to bear. Being married is only going to protect you in the instance of a divorce, there are millions of women who are financially less well off while they are married.

The cost of a child should be born equally. How that plays out practically, is between the two of you but under no circumstances should you be the only one saving nor should you be the only one who is financially disadvantaged. And if you maintain separate finances, please do not slip into that thing where you pay for all child related activities/items.

Before DC, Dh and i pooled finances but also had our own money separate. I was the main earner. After mat leave, he became a SAHD. I quickly realised that he had slipped into that thing where if he was out with DC, he ws spending from his own funds and not joint funds - so all his "own money" was spent on days out with DC while mine was spent on drinks with my girlfriends. We cancelled the "own money" soon after that and everything just comes from one account!

Don’t get caught up in how much you earn. Look at the balance of financial power in the relationship. Doesn’t matter if you’re on minimum wage or £100k, if your partner expects you to shoulder the financial burden of a child alone (and that’s not only what you can pay for on a card, it’s the impact on savings, pensions, promotions, etc etc) then he’s being fundamentally unfair.

And yes, give the child your surname - whether you’re married or not.