My Dad is likely to die soon, and on top of all the emotional distress, I don't trust one of his executors to carry out his wishes

[Ponyta]

My Dad has advanced cancer, which is awful in itself. He lives very near my sister, and we have fallen out over what care he should be getting. I am doing everything I can from a distance to make his last weeks/months as comfortable as possible.

One of the (many) things keeping me awake at night is a fear of being excluded from all the decisions about funeral arrangements, what happens to mementoes from my childhood, photos, etc.

My Dad has made a will dividing everything 50/50 between my sister and me, and he really wants everything to be fair. My dh and BIL are the two executors. However, BIL is a lawyer and I am concerned that he will do his best to deprive us of whatever he can get away with. He is a very spiteful and envious man - not at all what you would expect from a reasonably successful professional person. He is getting close to retirement so may not even care about his reputation; and he certainly has good reason to be envious of us. We are wondering whether to insist on an impartial solicitor being involved with the probate. BIL will almost certainly say he'll do it, but then I won't trust him. What do people think? It can't be that uncommon for this situation to arise. Although the executors aren't direct beneficiaries, obviously they and their children will benefit via their wives.

I am a regular BTW but have changed my name for this - if you can offer any thoughts or advice or links, I'd be grateful

Does your dad know of your concerns? If so and if he wants to, he could do a codicil now appointing an alternative executor.

Remember that as there are two executors, they need to agree on things.

i think it is illegal to not execute a will correctly.

Thanks, mumblechum, he is really too ill for me to raise this with him - I think it would be unkind. We are keeping up a pretence that me and my sister are getting on. Also, his medical notes say he has some short term memory loss so I think (actually I rather hope) that any codicil would be open to legal challenge.

I know this might sound daft, but what happens if the two executors just don't agree on things? Both BIL and my sister are bullies, and I don't want us to be giving in on everything.

Thanks, Katz, too - it is illegal, but there is plenty of room for upsetting people, eg by nabbing all the photo albums, which are not explicitly mentioned in the will.

If there's a dispute, I believe it would be sorted out by an application to the Court under the Executorship and Trustees Act, but this isn't my field, I haven't ever dealt with Probate & you'd be better off talking to a probate lawyer. Most solicitors are happy to give a quick 5 mins of advice over the phone.

Obviously it isn't worth litigating for things which have little financial worth (tho' I appreciate they have sentimental value).

If BIl is a solicitor and an executor ten he needs to be very careful if there are things that he can benefit from, even indirectly.

Your DH will need to watch it all very carefully.

Dh is a probate lawyer - I can ask him for you if you like.

Ok so assuming that the estate will be independently valued and split 50/50 between you, what exactly are you worried about? I mean it is unlikely that they can hide assets and yes it is illegal to not execute a will correctly, so is it just sentimental stuff you are worried about being lifted from the property?

so sorry to hear about your situation - my mother died of cancer a few years back and it was horrible, stressful and distressing. I found several family members almost unendurable at the time, whereas I actually get on very very well with them. Is it possible your feelings about your BIL are being coloured by the stress of your current situation?

Although Katz is correct that it is illegal not to execute a will correctly, that only goes as far as what the will says. Unfortunately in terms of childhood mementos etc unless the will specifies what happens to particular objects, it relys on the people afterwards sorting it out amicably. My sister and I spent a sad but nice afternoon at my mother's house sorting stuff out, and did a one-for-you, one-for-me type division of her belongings where we each took it in turns to pick a favourite item. Then when we had taken all the items we wanted we held an open house and invited friends and relatives to come and choose a memento. Finally we cleared the house and gave the rest to charity.

If you feel there might be any unpleasantness you have to agree your terms beforehand. I would suggest do NOT allow anyone else to be present at the dividing up of treasured objects, and maintain strict fairness. Also don't loose sight of what's important and what your dad wants (not a warring family I am sure)

If there are two executors they BOTH needs to sign things off, so your BIL cannot unilaterally do things to harm your inheritance.

sorry x posts.

Thanks, theyoungvisiter - I'm afraid our family won't be so civilised as yours by any means. If anything I am inclined to be too generous in making allowances for BIL - there is a long history, I won't go into it, too awful. Carmenere, I'm not sure what else can be done to me, IYSWM! I know the funeral may not be arranged as I would like, the ashes may be scattered without me, etc, etc.

Hulababy, yes please, if you could ask your dh I'd be very grateful.

I know my query is rather vague, but I find it very painful to even confront these ideas, let alone do anything to protect myself. I know it will be worse after Dad dies, though.

BTW, was it your BIl or an independent solicitor who wrte the will?

It was done by his firm of solicitors. I don't know if that was when he still worked for them. Probably was. Does that make a difference? He hasn't worked for them for some time.

Just making sure the will was drafted by an independent lawyer. Okay to use same firm where BIL works, but better if he was not the one who wrote it obviosuly.

Oh, thanks. I suppose really my question is: if you were a lawyer who was minded to spite your sister-in-law, and possibly to gain advantage for yourself, what could you do in this situation, and what could stop you from doing it?

It may be enough for us to show that we're not a total pushover (as I have been in the past), eg by knowing our rights.

Spoken to DH who just confirms what is already here really.

BIL must follow the will otherwise he is in breach of his exectur duties. This would then mean you would have a claim against him though the Law Society. That could be financal, so not just reputation at stake for him.

Every executor can appoint their own independent solicitor. Only problem with this is, if BIL still insisted on doing his himself too, there would be duplication of work and duplication of costs. But definitely possible.

Has your FIL expressed wishes about his own funeral arrangements? If not this is something he could still do now, so long as he has mental capacity. Most wills hae at least one statement in expressing the wish to either be buried or cremated.

With regards personal items in the home - then that should really be between you and your sister. I would ask for the two DHs to step away from that aspect. Again it could actually form part of his estate so should be 50/50 too.

I wonder if it would be helpful to you to try to make peace with the probability that your sister and her dh will do what you are expecting them to and just not resist it. What I mean is just expect the worst but don't fight them, if you let go of that aspect of the stress and upset it may help you with the rest of it iyswim. No one can take away your memories and the love your dad has for you. The rest is just stuff.

Thanks so much for this, Hulababy and Hulababydh. The Law Society thing is REALLY worth knowing, plus that dh can appoint an independent solicitor. I'd be happy to incur extra costs for peace of mind. Presumably the costs for the independent solicitor would come out of the estate? And would BIL take a fee as well, then?

The will says cremation, but no other details, and it would be unkind to raise his death with him ATM - he doesn't want to think about it, and why should he. If necessary, I may have to put up with things being done differently than what I would've wanted.

Actually some of the photo albums are very old so will have some monetary value, though not much. Hopefully that means they have to be taken seriously by the executors, though.

Yes, thanks, Carmenere. I keep saying to dh that I might have to accept that the funeral will be not as I would've liked. But my mum's funeral was just awful, and it hindered my getting over her death. It was as if she was nobody. At the very least I want my dad to have a church service - ideally timed so that a few relatives can make it - and a eulogy.

I know if it does turn out like my mother's, it doesn't take away the fact that my dad is much loved by many people - I suppose I just have to keep telling myself that.

Ponyta, if your fears re your dad's funeral are realised, would there be anything to stop YOU organising a gathering to remember him and celebrate his life? A friend of mine did this for her mother recently (not because of familial tensions, for practical reasons not worth going into here) and it was a lovely farewell to her.

Oh yes Zazettes idea is a very good one. Have a lovely memorial service for him.

Funnily enough, I've just got off the phone to a funeral director who said that a 'thanksgiving service' could be held after - and separate from - the crematorium bit. That would work really well, I think, because it would give relatives and friends time to arrange to come to it. In fact, now you mention it, we could make it a sort of joint thanksgiving for Dad and Mum.

Thank you so much, Zazette and Carmenere.

Making it a joint event is a lovely idea - I'm sure people who knew both your parents would be delighted to be able to remember them together, and perhaps it will help you with your distress about your mum's funeral.

Hope it is all less grim than you fear. Deaths in the family do seem to bring out the worst in some people, sadly.

Yes, both me and my sister are very upset because dad is dying, so my sister's behaviour is entirely excusable. It would be useful if BIL could behave like an adult, though. On a happier note, it would be lovely to have a proper service for mum and dad as a couple. I hope we can come to an agreement about dad's ashes as well.

Hi Ponyta, I really feel for you, we had similar worrying executor / family / disagreements on funeral issues when my dad died.

On the funeral, there was a funeral a couple of weeks after he died and then a memorial / thanksgiving service a couple of months later, and that was lovely. It meant there was time to organise a big event, time for everyone who wanted to attend to book time off work and arrange travel, time for people to prepare really nice eulogies, and also time enough since losing him that we weren't all just in a fog of shock. I'm sure having a joint service for them both would help the healing process from everything that happened when your mum died, too.

On the other stuff, we engaged a solicitor that we trusted, an old friend of the family, who was fully informed about the rest-of-the-family other-executor issues and protected us well. It was incredibly stressful to start off with but once we had appointed him we had someone with power and knowledge fighting our corner and it helped a lot. Took a long time to sort out but we got there in the end.

Take care and hugs, it's tough but you will get through it.