Husband in debt and not being honest

[Wantinghappiness]

My husband has always struggled to keep his finances in check years of supporting family back home when his Dad died and low pay generally. He’s racked up debt before say £ 8K I’ve gone overdrawn up to £2.5K and we have pooled debt in interest free card and cleared to together I earn more. He did it again a few years ago tbh I think he’s never been honest about the amount he owes . Recently found a statement for £10k on credit card and challenged him on it said he had to be straight with me so we can tackle it I told him how upset I was and it hurt that he can’t tell me and how much he must be worrying. He’s a very proud Man and he said he wanted to deal with it himself but I knew it was just more interest piling up as he was only paying minimum Amy. So he agreed eventually for me to take out a loan I had £2.5 k debt again so we split it evenly and will pay back in 4 yrs. I’ve been doing overtime and he works 7 days a week .
I have always paid most of the bills from my account and he pays in £1k a month for Mortage and loan as I earn more I make up shortfall he has some bills TV and phone . Still should have about 500 a month though . I Had a feeling he wasn’t being honest he never has any money to spend on home self or us as a family . So I ended up looking through his post and found two more cards one with£10k and one with £2.5 looks like he’s just paid minimum and it’s accumulated as no actual spending on statements that I can see. I’ve deviated and feel sick. How do I confront him I feel sick thinking about it. I love him and married for 19 yrs I want us to sort it out as we are a partnership but feel he is not fully in partnership. It’s getting harder to deal with I was just about to get a loan to do the garden a shed for kids to hang out in around £6k with office as well now I’m worried about taking on more debt. So disappointed as kids were looking forward to it.
I have some savings £6.5 k that’s my running away money as I jokingly call it and we have 3.5k in joint savings account in my name as he agreed this. I don’t know if I should use that to start paying off debt.
mom so disappointed as have plans for retirement and to travel and do nice things together as we do BC.
how can I even bring it up when he point blank denied any more debt 4 months ago and again this week when I said are you coping with the payments for the loan we took out and I asked if he was sure he hadn’t any more cards and he said no no more cards . Any advice please I want us to come through this together but so upset I feel our marriage is a sham and a lie

either you leave as its clear he has credit issues and once x is paid off he will just get another and then another... no end in sight.

or you just continue doing what you have and derail all plans you've made to save a sinking ship.

or you let him deal with it himself let him get out of the situation or stay in it.

This sounds hard. But why are you even thinking about more debt? That’s not a good idea.

The only way this can be sorted is complete honesty and no more credit cards (for him).

i would be making it clear I knew about the debt and would want to have a talk about how to proceed.

The debt is bad enough. The lying would finish me off if you brought it up and he continued to lie.

I’m sorry OP. It is a pure rotten situation to find yourself in.

Honestly OP, you're worried about how to come through this together but he's not worrying about how this is effecting you is he? So you're not a partnership.

First, you need to stop trying to fix this for him.
Go through your bills and really look at whether your contributions are split fairly.
Do a credit check you so you have factual information on how much he owes.

Then sit down, tell him you know he's in more debt than he told you then be quiet and see what he says.
If he admits it, tell him you're glad he's admitted it but you're at the end of your tether and ask him to put a plan together to fix it.
If he denies it, hand him the credit check print out (or screenshots if digital) and leave it with him.

What I wouldn't do is give him 1 penny of the running away money or take on any further debt in my own name.

You keep rescuing him and he isn't improving so you need to decide where your line in the sand is. How many times are you going to do this?

To be honest, I could (and have) forgiven this once. I wouldn't forgive again - he's lying to your face, he's being secretive and dishonest, knowing his actions impact you.

Stop trying to fix it. You need to get angry and make this his problem to solve.

That's a lot of debt to have racked up, I'd want to know how and why it's built up. Where has he spent it ? What does he do wit( his money ?

You take him to CAB. They will spell out the realities of his actions and he will get help with repayments or look at insolvency options.

What has he spent it on?

You both sound not great with finances. Why on earth are you thinking of taking on another loan for non essential stuff. Just focus on clearing the debt, keep a small amount in savings for emergencies. And find out exactly what your dh is racking up more debts on.

And if he won't start being more responsible and stop racking up more debt, I would take your 6.5 k running away fund and do exactly that before he drags you both further into debt.

Haven’t spoken to him yet feel sick and anxious all day. Am I terrible for checking his email and snooping? I’m so sad about loss of control and hopes and dreams for future not being realistic .

This would be a deal breaker for me. If you stay with him do so knowing you will never be able to retire and will never be able to have holidays or the nice treats in life as you will always be mired in debt.

I hate to sound mean but you aren’t a partnership. He’s spending your money as well as his plus more beyond that and doesn’t care that you and the kids spend life in debt and could lose you home.

leave him and start a debt free life, he won’t change

Honestly - you tell him you know and you say he can sort it out himself this time. And that as far as your concerned it comes out of his own "spending" money and not bills money. Problem is you bailing him out again and again just makes you look like a soft touch and that you'll keep doing it

He has a spending addiction and only he can resolve this - as with any addiction.

It's only JUST Starting to be recognised in uk but there are a few support groups and therapists that deal with this.

Ultimately until he admits it and does all he can to address it things won't change just as with all addictions

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Only he can.

Probably a good idea to check credit history for yourself and any dc or other relatives too as he may have wracked up debt in their names

There comes a point you have to draw a line and say no more

@Wantinghappiness im so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with other posters like @MoneyWhatMoney that you need to stop trying to fix this for him and give him an ultimatum that he comes up with a plan which he must stick with and you need to be ready to follow through with the consequences.

A critical part of the plan is complete openness and transparency which means you have access to ALL accounts including login details etc. you have weekly or biweekly meetings to review the accounts, spending, budget and progress. If that is too frequent then it should be any longer than monthly.

You also need access to his credit report as this is the way to be sure he isn’t opening any new credit cards behind your back.

In addition to all this he needs therapy. This is an addiction and all the steps above will help hold him accountable but he needs to resolve the root cause for long term sustainability. I know therapy and counseling can be expensive but if you can afford it please explore this. You can also find charities that provide cheaper therapy sessions but this is important if not he will slip back once you start to relax in a few months or years.

if all this doesn’t work then you need to decide if you want to use the run away money you have saved, or find a way to separate your finances from him while staying married.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope you are both able to work it out but it requires a lot of work and commitment from him to earn back your trust.

Thanks for replies

Hello - just dropping in here quickly to say that we’ve got a Q&A live in Money Matters about debt with debt charity Stepchange in case that's of interest!

So he’s got £22.5k of credit card debt that he hid from you? Even after you confronted him about the first card he didn’t tell you about the others? And this is after he’s already hidden debt from you before?

I’m an understanding and forgiving person, but I would be divorcing in these circumstances as it’s a huge repeated betrayal. He’s never going to be honest and trust worthy with money, this is always going to be an issue for you.