Am I tight?

[iloveyankeecandle]

I've never been rolling in money. But always been comfortable. Anyway, family of four, once all bills are paid and we've put money aside for savings (have about 10K) we're left with about £1000 a month for fuel, food, clothes, days out etc. but I have an issue with spending. I can't ever just think oh I need a new coat, I'll go and buy one. I'll research online what I want, and go through loads of different sites and see if I can find it cheaper or even second hand than pay full price. Then I normally end up not buying it. I wait to get my kids stuff until I know they'll be money off weekends. I look in the sales constantly. I rarely order stuff online so I don't have to pay for delivery. My husband says I'm tight. But I feel like I've gone from being careful to just being really really tight. I question every bit of spending now and I don't want to go on holiday as it just seems like such a waste of money. I don't know why I'm like this and to also change my attitude.

I wrotea huge post and the internet ate it. Trying again.

Buying a new coat might be a manifestation of low self esteem in that you don't feel like you are worth spending money on?

Buying children's clothes at sale time is sensible, we did it a lot when ours were little. Boden codes were shared on here for example.

The holiday = waste of time thing is odd. Some experiences cannot be priced.

Seeing the Great Glen for the first time, visiting the Parthenon, viewing the Great antiquities in Cairo, or swooning at the cherry blossoms in Japan, hearing the children shout with joy at the Disney parade - you can't put a price on these.

Wanting to change is really positive.

I'm a bit like this too. Always liked a good deal and shopped around but also mindful that I've fritted away a lot of money in the past on things I didn't really need. Recently I've become much more mindful about my spending and I think it's coming from the uncertainty around the cost of living crisis. We used to go on holiday abroad a few times a year. Now we have a baby and we're caravanning it in the uk this summer (which I'm very excited about as I feel like we've got a bargain and I can enjoy rather than thinking if we should have spent all that money on a holiday). Our income is remaining pretty much the same due to husbands pay rise as I go part-time, not rolling in it but we have savings and disposable income, but I just don't feel we can justify splashing the cash on things at the moment. I'm pretty sure mine is more anxiety around the future and feeling I need to preserve our money somehow 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh and my husband says I'm tight too. I come from a family where we were comfortable growing up but my dad watches his spending to the penny and bargain hunts for everything even though he's financially very secure. My husbands family lived to their means, never really saved and enjoyed spending but equally they had a good childhood and never worried about money. My husbands the same now - tends to be a bit impulsive with his spending and likes expensive things rather than a bargain.

The coat issue feels like you don't value your time. I don't see the point of spending six hours to save a fiver or a tenner.

Children's clothes - I think that's a sensible approach providing they don't feel they always have 2nd best.

Holidays are breaks from routine and a chance to relax and have fun.

I think you need to take care not to sick the joy from life op. My MIL did that and has never had the coat she really liked, always stinged over food and portions, booked cheapskate holidays and let her dc share a bloody cornet.

She's a sad and miserable elderly woman now. Her dd's moved to different continents at the earliest opportunity and her dc all remember being very poor and going without. They were not poor, she just preferred to put the money in the building society and count it rather than spend it and watch their little faces light up.

How about leaving your husband in charge of spending for a few months?
He says you are tight but you don't have a lot of money there to spend, so I imagine if you weren't being careful with it, the budget would soon spiral.
Let him find out the hard way, and it might help you as well.
What's the deal with the holiday? Are you against all holidays as a waste of money or is it a type/particular holiday? Is it really about the money?

Yes, you are, IMO. There’s a line between being careful and being obsessional and you’ve crossed it.

I research before I buy an item like a coat - makes sense to me, though I do actually buy it!
Buying kids stuff on sale sensible too. My 17 year olds clothes are a mix of Tesco, T K Maxx, Joules on sale and Crewe outlet. We did actually pay full price for sandals last weekend but she hasn't had a new pair since she was 12 (she hadn't grown since then)!
But holidays? I disagree with you there. Holidays are not just a week on a beach (though nothing wrong with that - can be a great family time without the usual pressures). We have had wonderful days exploring Rome, marvelling at Norwegian fjords snd learning about the people and lifestyles, an unforgettable trip to Australia and so on. The last we did before my husband passed away suddenly and those memories are so precious.
Don't be so frugal as to limit your life experiences.

Its difficult, im similar. Im very very cautious with money, even though actually looking at the numbers i dont need to be.

What helped me was giving myself a "spending allowance". So once weve paid all our bills, food shop and petrol money we have x amount left. Some of that gets direct debited into our savings, some goes towards dcs savings, etc, but i now give myself £300 per month which i must spend.

Sometimes it goes on new clothes, sometimes I'll use it to book flights one month then book hotel the next month and then we'll all have a city break away, occasionally I'll see some art i love or something for the house.

Any months where i dont spend all the money i give it to charity.

@HeddaGarbled I just don't know how I've got to this point? I do sound tight. But am constantly thinking that life's too short.

It does make sense with the kids clothes. They never go without and they do lots of extra curricular activities etc so I always spend on them.

I've been pricing up holidays abroad and I just keep thinking £2k for a week away and I could do something in the house with that instead, but never actually get around to doing anything. We holiday in England and I don't have that much of a good time that I think wow that was money well spent. So I just think what's the point.

I find UK holidays to be often disappointing, and holidays anywhere with young children to be tiring, but it's also nice to connect as a family and spend time together.
Why not just let your partner organise the holiday and opt out of the planning side of it. Just turn up. It's what most men do, so I don't see why you can't flip it, if it's something you find hard.
Do you suffer from indecisiveness? I have to over-research things before I do it, a type of 'fear of missing out'. It's a personality trait linked to perfectionism as well.

@lassof that's really interesting. I'm going to look that up. I am a bit indecisive. I just seem to find everything a waste of money.

What was your family’s financial when you were growing up?

I was like this until recently and it was definitely linked to my upbringing and not feeling that I was worth spending money on.

I've been pricing up holidays abroad and I just keep thinking £2k for a week away and I could do something in the house with that instead, but never actually get around to doing anything. We holiday in England and I don't have that much of a good time that I think wow that was money well spent. So I just think what's the point.

It's not just about you though is it. Just because you think a week abroad is not worth the money, doesn't take into account what your husband and kids want and the kind of experiences they are missing.

Do you work? When I was a SAHM I found it really hard to spend money now I work I’m much more likely to buy what’s necessary. I bought myself a new coat in October. I did find a decent discount on a Didrikson and then I spent money on myself which felt weird at the time. Still like a clothes sale or 2nd hand bundle or yellow sticker stuff but I’m much more balanced about ensuring I have th3 things I need.

@TabithaTittlemouse it was tight when I was very young but teenage years we were well off. But I always had a little job and bought things for myself.

@KatherineJaneway hubby isn't bothered. Got one baby and one older one who is happy in a caravan.

OK your kids aren't bothered now but they will be.

Yes you sound tight. Bargain hunting is one thing. Thinking everything is a waste of money is strange.
Not spending money on holidays is pretty miserable.
Children remember holidays, it forms part of their childhood.
they definitely wouldn’t rather you spend the money on the house.

Waste of money, from what perspective? What are you doing with it instead?

I’ll be honest, we never really enjoy caravan holidays (we have weekend away in caravans, which are good for a short break). As a main holiday, it just always feels a bit under whelming. We end up spending lots of food and activities that no one massively enjoys. We book a holiday abroad and we all just seem to relax, the kids are happy to play in the pool most of the times, I enjoy having a walk round different villages. Just so different to a UK camp site. I don’t feel like I’m pouring money into ‘seaside entertainment’. And in all honesty by the time we’ve added up the cost of the caravan, the travel, the spends etc its not all that much different to the week / two weeks abroad. It always feels a lot more worth it.

So where does your money end up going of you're not spending it on nice things?

£250 isn’t a fortune for food for four people, fuel and everything else so you would need to budget.

@Botoxbotox there always seems to be a birthday. Hubby likes take aways and eating out so a lot goes on that I think.

@FawnFrenchieMum I think you're right to be honest. Caravan holidays are nice but I never feel like I've had a proper holiday. So that's probably why I feel like they're a waste of time. We go twice a year somewhere in England so it's not like a deprive the kids of it as I know it's important for them. Maybe I need to try abroad and see how we get on.

@BigSandyBalls2015 we have about £1000 for food fuel, clothes, days out, birthdays etc

That's not a huge amount really. It's enough, but not if you don't bother budgeting.