Am I tight?

[iloveyankeecandle]

I've never been rolling in money. But always been comfortable. Anyway, family of four, once all bills are paid and we've put money aside for savings (have about 10K) we're left with about £1000 a month for fuel, food, clothes, days out etc. but I have an issue with spending. I can't ever just think oh I need a new coat, I'll go and buy one. I'll research online what I want, and go through loads of different sites and see if I can find it cheaper or even second hand than pay full price. Then I normally end up not buying it. I wait to get my kids stuff until I know they'll be money off weekends. I look in the sales constantly. I rarely order stuff online so I don't have to pay for delivery. My husband says I'm tight. But I feel like I've gone from being careful to just being really really tight. I question every bit of spending now and I don't want to go on holiday as it just seems like such a waste of money. I don't know why I'm like this and to also change my attitude.

It doesn't sound like there is a lot of money to spare, but maybe what there is you need to call dibs on for a holiday rather than frittering it on takeaways etc, find a balance.

I think my time is worth about £25 quid an hour as that's what I'm paid, so I'm not going to spend an hour trying to find a way to save a tenner. Bulk buying the kids clothes is a good idea, but if you need a new coat then just buy yourself one, you're not bottom of the list my love 😘

@lassof that what I think too. Though I know there are many, many worse off than me. We still save which is excluded in that amount. So we aren't hard done by but at the same time, we can't just go wasting it.

@Botoxbotox that's very true. You just always put everyone else in front of you don't you

I am like you OP. I buy almost everything in the sales or second hand. We have a similar amount spare each month and although we are very fortunate we have anything left after mortgage and bills it doesn’t go very far. I feel guilty at times and like a tight arse but then I remember- I can buy better quality in the sales and good quality second hand items are still better than new poor quality. My scrimping buys us a lifestyle we couldn’t afford otherwise! Holidays I enjoy but the money side makes me wince however!

I'm a bit like this sometimes - mine stems from parents who went from poor to well off then poor again several times during my childhood.
I want as much in savings as possible but DH, who's parents did exactly that at the expense of days out etc, would happily spend everything we have on enjoying himself.

We've addressed this by agreeing a certain amount goes into savings each month and we have some money in our own accounts that is 'fun money' - DH has to use that for the pub / buying random stuff/ takeaways when he's home alone. Could you do this?

I don't see any issue in researching before buying something like a coat or shoes - the issue is that you end up not buying it.

Also, buying second hand is a great way of meeting your family needs and being environmentally friendly.

With the holidays, I think caravans are a false economy tbh. You pay a small fortune to sleep elsewhere but still have to do the basics of cooking and cleaning etc. Plus it feels like a waste of money to you because you're not getting what you need out of it.

What would you want from a holiday? If you stayed in a B&B or hotel, would you feel like you for more of a break? Some places abroad can be cheaper than UK so it's worth doing some research.

I think I'm like this now. I consider it to be cautious not tight. I buy all that we need and I buy good brands but am pretty sure I get the best price or deal available.

I think it's a positive not a negative.

I haven't always been like this though. I think as I've got older I've realised I here are fewer years of earning left and what we have including pensions and investments is all
We will ever have.

It sounds like you're hoarding money but being spendthrift with time which is an even more precious resource. Think about how many holidays you have with your kids before you leave home - it's probably fewer than you think, and where you might like to take them and experience together - beautiful places, great cities with rich culture, new foods, new activities.

I think with that as a budget, you probably do need to be careful.
Ours includes car tax/insurance/servicing, uniform, kids activities, but is more like 1500.
I needed a new waterproof coat last week (mine let in water after 8 years), but I went to sports direct, not an outdoors shop (didn't have enough time to look online - wanted it for a holiday with awful weather forcast).

@Metalandtea thanks for your post. It seems like a lot of money but there's not much left after petrol and food especially after all these price hikes!

@MoneyWhatMoney I used to love a caravan holiday when we had just one. But now we've got two, it's so much more expensive. In the sense that we'd eat out all the time etc but the prices of eating out have gone up so much. So it doesn't actually feel like a holiday. Hubby pulls his weight, as much as me, but it's not the same. I think we need to bite the bullet and go abroad.

@UnaOfStormhold that's a good way of looking at it. I think there's things I want/need doing in the house, so in my mind I keep thinking that I just need those doing and then we can be a bit more free and easy with money to spend on holidays.

@KarrotKake it's really not stretching far at the moment. We've also got nursery bills. So they will go down in a year or so.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being frugal. You obviously didn't need a new coat if you didn't buy one!

FWIW we can't afford to holiday abroad so we book a self catering cottage for £500 for a week. Spend a bit more than the usual weekly grocery budget on holiday treats, and then spends for entry to local attractions (obviously using any money off codes available) etc and we always have a great time. It's about getting away and enjoying family time together. That shouldn't cost ££££.

I'm like this too, but I grew up in poverty in the 70's and 80's, to the point I had to wear my nans shoes to school. Everything was from charity shops and my dad used to go without food so we could eat. My dad was a single parent so had to give up work to look after us.

Honestly it isn't a bad trait to have, you're not being tight, you're being mindful and careful.

I think if you find the right holiday you'll find joy in it and won't feel bad about the money. I agree UK holidays can feel that way, partly because they're so weather dependent. Caravans can be unpleasant in hot weather, cold weather and damp weather! We often holiday in narrowboats and cruisers and campervans instead - similar inconveniences but a new place every day (DH likes driving/skippering though and I like planning routes and stashing things in canny little cupboards).

We went to Madeira this summer for a week. Not really our thing but everyone was so friendly and it was interestingly different to home.

I agree with the idea of putting a little "fun" money into an account every month that you've got to spend on things you don't really need. I did that for a recent big birthday and lucky I did as given what 2022's been like I wouldn't have felt able to use current spending.

It would be worth thinking about your own childhood. You may be repeating patterns from that or trying to do the opposite.

You might be just knackered too!

I am like this. But instead of searching for bargains I hardly buy anything for myself until my clothes shoes etc are literally threadbare .
For me it's a waste issue. I hate throwing things away that are serviceable. So I mend things and keep stuff that is fine even if old (like beach towels I have had for 40 years from my teenage years)
DH is the opposite and I find his constant buying distasteful.
The other thing I do is save up stuff I need for Xmas so for instance this year I have asked for a lemon squeezer, wellies, a coat and a new washing basket. My mum will happily buy off this list. Dh hates it. But he can't see that it makes me happy whatever he thinks!
I think some people are just more naturally cautious

Some of what you said is obviously sensible, but there's a very fine line between being relaxed, tight and miserly. A very unattractive quality. Some of what you have written is just odd. Why do you think you've slipped into this way of thinking.

You have £1000 for a month for a family of 4, which must cover groceries, fuel, days out and clothes?

I can see why you need to be very careful with that budget.

Plus, if you are that good at searching, why not search for a good holiday. You'd be amazed at how cheap some are. We went for a week all inclusive, family of 4, Majorca, Easter 22, £1000. I was worried the hotel would be too basic, but it wasn't. Fab.

Saving for fun things every month sounds like a good idea. Also the idea of holidaying on a narrow boat or the such. I like those suggestions.
I have a sibling who used to regularly borrow money and never have anything. I hardly ever got the money back, if I did they would just ask for it back. I put a stop to it a few years back. I've been better since I originally posted and dh has encouraged me to spend the money. So we're having jobs done around the house. I'm selling old clothes and buying new so I don't feel as wasteful.

Ah, well you can use your research skills on the narrowboats. The price varies greatly with time of year, you can go directly to owners or use a clearing site like 'Drifters' & so many permutations of number of nights, routes, start day/place and seeing if you can beat the fuel deposit. I colour in the routes we've done on a big map. Enjoy!

£30 a week on takeaways is £1500 a year
If he has meals out on top that’s a lot of money going there instead of a holiday.

Why not book a cheap week abroad in the winter - rather than in the summer when it’s nice here -

Surprised people are breaking down your examples and addressing them one by one instead of looking at the whole picture you’re trying to present

it doesn’t sound like simply tight to me, although of course that’s the outcome, but some form of mental health issue round control, money, anxiety , I don’t know but it sounds like you’ve developed some form of mental health issue and you spend a lot of time researching never to buy. Are you bored?

For me researching is an advance ‘cooling off’ period and makes me consider if I really need/want to spend that amount on x,y,z.

Being content living with less consumption is not necessarily being ‘tight’.

I have found if I know I need/want something, but it’s likely to be a larger amount than I’m used to spending, that having a goal helps (eg if I have x amount in my account by y date I’ll go for it)

Re the holiday - why not open a savings account just for that & both you & DH add in to it? Watching it grow to enough for a memorable holiday by the time the kids are old enough to really appreciate it might help lessen your anxiety/build excitement?

And really not a bad idea to demonstrate that saving an amount in advance for something is a sensible thing (money still there for emergency if one arises) rather than sticking it on credit & then having a bill to pay off.

Also important I think is that family members who are relaxed about pounds, sometimes only are so because another family member is worrying about the pennies - so do frame the holiday savings account as something Dh might forego his treats for to add into too.

A decent coat and a meal for two out could be got for relatively similar money - has he ever said I’ll forego the latter so you can have the former?

@ASmallCat yeah I agree with you there. Sometimes I think oh we
Could do with something and then more I look around I think actually we don't.
I've been better the past few months and have just been buying stuff when we need it.