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Original poster

Tricky one - DB paying rent

50 replies

ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 20:09

Not sure what the best approach is here and would welcome thoughts.

To be brief DB's marriage broke down last year and he and their 2 DC were effectively made homeless. We were fortunate enough to have just about enough room to house them and welcomed the 3 of them (although we assumed it would be temporary).

We are now a year on and for the foreseeable DB can't afford to move out (ongoing family court and divorce costs). Certainly until the divorce settlement is agreed he will have no where near enough money to buy anywhere else and even then it will be difficult due to mammoth differences in house prices.

He has been paying me £200 pm to contribute to costs and will get food shopping in about twice a month, but not sure whether this is enough with soaring energy costs etc.

Part of me feels mean about asking for more but another part thinks it's only right he should at least cover costs.

Does anyone have thoughts on what is reasonably to expect? He earns approx £28k pa and has no other overheads (family home was mortgage free).
However he is still trying to get child support through the CSA as ex is refusing to cooperate with any formalities. He also has ongoing legal
costs with family court although we are praying that will be finished by this summer.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 22/04/2022 20:13

He can definitely afford to contribute more if he’s not paying any rent or mortgage. He’s most likely getting cb for his children too.
write down a list of all the bills then split them equally?
especially as utilities have gone sky high

BobblyBlueJumper · 22/04/2022 20:20

I am sure he doesn't mean to take advantage of your kindness and hospitality OP and he's been through a terrible time. That said at £200 a month, you are very definitely subsidising his life choices. There's no way that his share of the bills (council tax, electric, internet, water, Netflix, food etc) comes to less than that.

He's been with you a year, I think it's probably time for you to work out some sums that allow him to contribute a proper amount from now on.

If he was renting his own place, he'd be spending a lot more. So it works to both of your advantage to have a fair split of bills, you won't feel resentment and he will realise he's got a good deal.

MayorDusty · 22/04/2022 20:20

Don't let it drag on if you are subbing him.
Divide costs up per person as fairly as you can and try to involve him to avoid any bad feeling or resentment.

vipersnest1 · 22/04/2022 20:29

I've just done a quick online search assuming that the 28000 is gross. That means he is getting roughly £1900 a month net.
If I'm right, he's laughing all the way to the bank and you should definitely ask for a bigger contribution toward your costs.

Dealwithit · 22/04/2022 20:30

I think you need to sit down and say right we have bills of this and this and there are 3 of you - £50 a week is not enough. Can we add up all
utilities and bills and heating tv etc and than split.

he should just go straight to csa for maintenance and make sure the child benefit is used for them etc

HollowTalk · 22/04/2022 20:34

So you are housing three people for £50 a week? What is he spending the rest of his money on? Honestly, he knows he has a massively fantastic deal with you and surely he knows you can't house them for that amount. You are subsidising them to a huge extent.

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 20:36

Thank you for not insisting I'm a dreadful sister to even be charging him anything!

With the suggestion of splitting costs, would that be across the 3 adults or the 7 people in the house?

Also would it be unreasonable to include a proportion of our mortgage (significantly more than the combined utilities!)?

I need to keep in mind the end goal of enabling getting him back on his feet (and out!) whilst not bankrupting ourselves!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2022 20:39

He needs to contribute something towards "wear and tear" on your home for sure as well as other bills etc.

How come CMS aren't yet collecting maintenance on his behalf?

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 20:42

He has been chasing CSA for 5 months and is still waiting. Ex is refusing to cooperate so I believe money will be taken at source but should it drag on so long?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2022 20:44

It will get backdated at least that is something!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/04/2022 20:46

You can either charge him rent for the rooms plus utilities, or work out properly how much extra they are costing you. I doubt 50 a week even covers food!
If you are in any doubt about him saving to move out, charge proper rent and bills and keep the rent to one side, you can offer this as a deposit on a rental further down the line if needed.

Crazykatie · 22/04/2022 20:46

He can afford £800 a month and if he was renting elsewhere he would be paying more, time to be realistic, he’s taking advantage of you.

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 20:48

I'm absolutely sure he doesn't mean to or even realise he's taking advantage. He's been through hell and is just starting to get back on his feet. This is my fault as well as have always had a tendency to 'mother' him and this situation has just dragged on.

I am sure he would contribute more I just need to be careful how to position it and that I don't come across as some hard nosed bitch who wants them all out Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 20:50

Off the top of my head he probably soends another £200 pm on food but with 7 of us that doesn't go far!

OP posts:
MadameFantabulosa · 22/04/2022 20:51

He can easily pay £700-£800 per month. Do they have two rooms? What would that cost to rent locally?

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 20:54

Yes 2 bedrooms, possibly even a 3rd soon.
To rent locally he'd be unlikely to find anything less than £1k pm and obviously that's without bills!

OP posts:
BobblyBlueJumper · 22/04/2022 21:49

Depends how many are in your part of the household OP, do you have children living at home?

Tbh if it's just you and DH or your children are small for a quick and easy total I would be tempted to divide the bills by adults in the house - he pays 1/3. You will need to come to a proper arrangement with the food shopping as well, as you seem to be paying for the majority of it. So that should be on a rota as well, either he gets the weekly shop in every 3 weeks or maybe if you have a bills account all the shopping comes out of that and every month he gives you X to cover his 1/3.

That's if you don't want to charge any 'rent' for the use of your house. I don't know what might be an appropriate sum really and obviously you don't want to overcharge. But a couple of hundred maybe, close to what he pays now? On top of his share of bills.

Nightmanagerfan · 22/04/2022 21:52

During lockdown we lived with a family member while we sold our flat etc, there were two adults and a toddler and we paid £500 a month plus half of food costs (around £800 a month for all of us in the house). I also did a lot of childcare and housework to contribute. I thought this was extremely reasonable.

Nightmanagerfan · 22/04/2022 21:53

Ps we were six people total in the house, my family of 3 and their family of 3

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 21:53

BobblyBlueJumper · 22/04/2022 21:49

Depends how many are in your part of the household OP, do you have children living at home?

Tbh if it's just you and DH or your children are small for a quick and easy total I would be tempted to divide the bills by adults in the house - he pays 1/3. You will need to come to a proper arrangement with the food shopping as well, as you seem to be paying for the majority of it. So that should be on a rota as well, either he gets the weekly shop in every 3 weeks or maybe if you have a bills account all the shopping comes out of that and every month he gives you X to cover his 1/3.

That's if you don't want to charge any 'rent' for the use of your house. I don't know what might be an appropriate sum really and obviously you don't want to overcharge. But a couple of hundred maybe, close to what he pays now? On top of his share of bills.

He has 2 pre teens, I have 2 older teens.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2022 21:58

Your food and shower bills must be rather large!'

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 22:04

RandomMess · 22/04/2022 21:58

Your food and shower bills must be rather large!'

Yes and with currently only 1 bathroom you can imagine the fun Confused

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 22/04/2022 22:07

This is a challenging on as you arentryibg to support him - but at the same time you can't be out of pocket yourselves/for your kids.

What about asking him for half the bills, and to make a bit more effort with the food shop. Then leave the 'rent' at the £200 pcm. You'd be paying your mortgage anyway but not the level of utilities etc.

Original poster
ForAFriend123 · 22/04/2022 22:12

LittleOwl153 · 22/04/2022 22:07

This is a challenging on as you arentryibg to support him - but at the same time you can't be out of pocket yourselves/for your kids.

What about asking him for half the bills, and to make a bit more effort with the food shop. Then leave the 'rent' at the £200 pcm. You'd be paying your mortgage anyway but not the level of utilities etc.

So £200 plus half bills?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2022 22:25

It's almost easier if you do all the food shopping and he pays 3/7ths of that plus half of bills plus £200ish towards wear and tear etc.

I think you need to have a chat and say that everything is going up and up and it seems like they could be with you a while longer and you are struggling with the extra costs.