Tricky one - DB paying rent

[ForAFriend123]

Not sure what the best approach is here and would welcome thoughts.

To be brief DB's marriage broke down last year and he and their 2 DC were effectively made homeless. We were fortunate enough to have just about enough room to house them and welcomed the 3 of them (although we assumed it would be temporary).

We are now a year on and for the foreseeable DB can't afford to move out (ongoing family court and divorce costs). Certainly until the divorce settlement is agreed he will have no where near enough money to buy anywhere else and even then it will be difficult due to mammoth differences in house prices.

He has been paying me £200 pm to contribute to costs and will get food shopping in about twice a month, but not sure whether this is enough with soaring energy costs etc.

Part of me feels mean about asking for more but another part thinks it's only right he should at least cover costs.

Does anyone have thoughts on what is reasonably to expect? He earns approx £28k pa and has no other overheads (family home was mortgage free).
However he is still trying to get child support through the CSA as ex is refusing to cooperate with any formalities. He also has ongoing legal
costs with family court although we are praying that will be finished by this summer.

Your brother is taking home £1876 per month, giving you £200 and purchasing shopping twice per minth
. if the shopping is £150 each time for arguments sake, this leaves him with £1376 + child benefits so £1529 at his disposal

he needs to be contributing at least another £500 per month for his living arrangements

I think you need to share the costs more fairly, maybe he pays half the bills - or something like £100 a week including bills plus paying for 2 big food shops (I guess that’s another £200 per month for 7 people) .

My student DD pays £200 a month, your brother is taking advantage of your generosity here!

Surely your brother would qualify for benefits? Had he looked at this? He could claim benefits and pay you the going rate.

I think he is massively taking advantage at £200pm. What does he do around the house? Does he do everything for his kids - cooking, washing etc?

You're trying support him, rather than making money out of him, so I don't think its about what he can afford, but more what it costs you to have him there. I doubt the current £200 currently covers what he costs.

I wouldn't charge a "rent" element or get him to pay towards your mortgage, but I do think he needs to pay 3/7 of bills and food. Even that will include some "profit" for you, as I doubt the bills have gone up by 3/7s, given that many are fixed cost rather than by useage, so you will benefit financially from him being there.

Obviously only you know exactly what 3/7 bills and shopping comes to in your household, but I'd suggest rather more than £200, I'd think £500 would probably be closer.

Should add he also WFH with several pieces of tech on the go!

He does his fair share round the house and cares for his DC, although he gets regular free child care from me whilst he works!

Being nosey here, but I'm curious why the children's mother doesnt have them half of the time (or does she and that is why he isnt receiving Chilc Maintainance?)

From the figs above, he seems to have £1k+ for clothes, days out, toys, transport (but wfh so low cost) personal spend etc, which is pretty high so there is spare income, but he cant afford to save for a deposit because of court costs.

Is this because of disputes over child residence or financial issues?

I wonder because divorces can turn nasty, where the parties just squabble on and on and try to get the upper hand. Is there any reason why there is such acrimony and that it cant be sorted out more quickly allowing your brother to get on with his life?

I can't really elaborate but the background is
serious and as a consequence there is no contact between the ex and DC. This is also a reason why everything is dragging on so long.

What is happening with the marital home? I assume the Ex still lives there? Is he paying mortgage still hence not having money until divorce is settled - he has equity tied up in it?

As far as we know Ex still there (very complicated), no mortgage so at least half the house value is DB's.

All financial matters in hands of solicitor

Its a shame bro can't move back to the house give the kids their home back and you yours.

If he told solicitor he might be homeless as court taking so long might it move things along.

@RandomMess

How come CMS aren't yet collecting maintenance on his behalf?

Oh come on - you're an mn regular I don't doubt that you KNOW that cms are shit at their jobs!!

Op

For starters he IS taking the piss and he knows it! He's run a household he knows how much bills are and I'm sure he knows about the cost of living rises. Frankly at this point he really should and could have got he and his dc a place of their own to live. I raised dd as a single mum MILLIONS of mums do this no reason why a dad can't. I also have 3 men in my circle who were single dads and they also provided a roof etc for their dc

Has he even registered with social housing locally?

For now I would divide the bills x 10

Adults = 2 shares each
Children = 1 share each (which their parents pay for)

Re cms to stand a CHANCE of getting them to do their job he needs to involve his Mp and phone them DAILY - annoy them as much as possible

I've just done a calculation based on the information on here on the basis his dc aren't in childcare? And it seems he would be eligible for a small amount of uc. Even though small being on a benefit can mean there is other help he could possibly get too - things like free prescriptions, fsm for the kids etc

Is he pulling his weight practically? Housework, childcare?

although he gets regular free child care from me whilst he works!

Why am I not surprised!

What's - or who - is holding up the divorce/financial settlement? Sounds like he may need a better lawyer

I would also strongly advise he get financial advice re benefits

Thank you for being so candid.
Your opinion and advice are much appreciated; exactly what I need to hear.

I will talk to him about the practical steps he can be taking in terms of settlement/CMS/social housing but in the immediate future will set out a more realistic costs arrangement.

If I split everything as you suggest (including mortgage but not food) it comes out at £700 pcm.

Thank you op I'm glad you took it in the spirit intended

£700 pcm for an adult and 2 kids is pretty damn reasonable and he can afford this especially if he sorts a uc claim out (though I know this can be challenging)

I see what pps are saying about you'd be paying the mortgage anyway but I would look on his share of that as being his contribution to wear and tear and tbh the childcare you're providing too.

Adults don't live rent free. There are a lot posted about on here - adult dc, cocklodging partners, even wealthy older relatives

Cf always know exactly what they are playing at

I was in a similar position many years ago and when I finally wised up (bailiffs at the door wanting to take MY property for THEIR debt) I was so mad at myself for being such a mug! And quelle surprise when I put my foot down they suddenly managed to find somewhere else to live and the means to facilitate the move! Cos they'd saved a fortune sponging odd my weak ass!

Don't be me op

Honestly I understand why coming from an abusive relationship can make you second guess yourself on everything - kinda been there too - but do yourself a favour and treat YOURSELF more fairly

Going to try and speak to DB today.

good luck, OP!

Am so rubbish, worried he'll be cross!

The heavily publicised increase in utilities and fuel prices can work in your favour here. Simply tell him you've received word that your monthly direct debits and other costs are increasing substantially and, given that them living with you is working out to be more medium than short-term, "we need to review financial contributions to the household to reflect the number of people living here". Then tell him- £700 for the two bedrooms and bills.

So £700 plus food shopping every 3 weeks?

How did you get on?

So spoke to DB and pleased to report he was totally agreeable to contributing more.
Have agreed on £700 pcm and a shop every 3 weeks.
Also suggested he give the CSA a kick up arse to help offset his rent which he will do.

Thank you to everyone!!

Good result op - for now.

What's he gonna do about finding somewhere new to live ?