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Original poster

Struggling with money- husband thinks it's my fault

27 replies

Meklk · 18/04/2022 22:48

We are married 10 years, have 3years old son. Past two years were quite difficult for us- we were furloughed so lost almost half of the salaries, did some extra jobs, struggled with childcare,etc.
I ended up with few months sickness (problems with my knee, arthritis, I was not able to walk few weeks).
I had to reduce my hours, I didn't have any other choice. Started to claim UC.
We don't have any extra money in the end of the month. We are ok with food,rent, basic clothes. But we can't afford even couple of days holiday in UK, we can't afford car, we can't afford meals out, etc.
Personally, I don't see it as a big problem- as soon as my health will be better, I'll do full time again and things will be better.The most important thing- we have food, we have rented house.
My husband started to complain about his life, that he is working a lot and can't afford any treats.
Yes,he is doing 48hrs weekly night shifts and I really appreciate that.
Today we had a massive argument that he doesn't understand where the money goes to, he has only £50 left in his account. I am the person who takes care of all bills, nursery fees,etc. I am so upset, I didn't buy anything for myself since last October. I'm trying to save every single penny, looking for offers,etc. He told me that we need to "move forward with finances", but I really can't do more with my health at the moment. I'm just scare to go to the shop, I know I'll be blamed that I bought something unecessary (for example pencils for my son who loves to draw).
I was expecting some kind of support, I supported him during his gambling issue when he lost all our savings, I helped him to recover. I can't believe the same person blaming me for £1 pencils and trying to make me feel bad for doing part time only. I think his dreams are just too big now, he wants to buy a flat when we are not able to save even £100/month....
I just need someone to say if I'm being unreasonable... I'm so upset...

OP posts:
Kimmy567 · 19/04/2022 00:56

What a difficult situation - perhaps your husband is feeling the pressure and can't help complaining, although I would also expect better behaviour. Fingers crossed things improve soon.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/04/2022 05:30

If you haven't done so already, you need to review your budget together so he can see what money you have coming in and where it goes.

It could be that you genuinely don't have any spare money, or it could be that you're overspending in some areas so could free up money by making small, barely noticeable changes, eg swapping from a contract mobile to Sim only and not having a new phone every 2 years.

Also think honestly about what food you buy, both at the supermarket and at work etc.

The difference in costs between buying what looks nice in Waitrose and a bought lunch each day vs buying a mostly vegetarian diet from a cheaper supermarket and taking a flask and a packed lunch is often hundreds of pounds a month, so scope to cut back if this is you.

Have a look at the money saving expert budgeting section together and see if there are areas you can cut back.

BritInUS1 · 19/04/2022 06:00

It sounds like your husband is struggling, I agree with going through the budget together line by line

Are you able to do any work from home to bring in some extra income?

PermanentTemporary · 19/04/2022 06:03

I'm not surprised you're upset when you would be in a better position if your husband hadn't gambled savings. Where did those savings come from originally? Are you afraid that by 'treats' he means gambling?

BarbaraofSeville · 19/04/2022 06:07

Can you earn extra money by babysitting on Friday or Saturday evenings if DH is at home?

Also look on moneysaving expert or the £10 a day thread on here for ideas about increasing your income. I have a spare bank account with 2 direct debits coming out of it that I switch around for the free money. In the last year I've had £150 from NatWest and a similar amount plus cinema tickets that I sold on eBay for £40.

LegMeChicken · 19/04/2022 06:24

£1 is really expensive for pencils…
Have you told him that it’s HIS fault for gambling all the family money away?

LegMeChicken · 19/04/2022 06:24

@BarbaraofSeville

Can you earn extra money by babysitting on Friday or Saturday evenings if DH is at home?

Also look on moneysaving expert or the £10 a day thread on here for ideas about increasing your income. I have a spare bank account with 2 direct debits coming out of it that I switch around for the free money. In the last year I've had £150 from NatWest and a similar amount plus cinema tickets that I sold on eBay for £40.

That’s a brilliant tip!
LetHimHaveIt · 19/04/2022 06:52

It might well be that you can cut back, but I would be livid that he behaves like this when you supported him after he lost your savings to gambling.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/04/2022 06:56

Very stressful all round- though after the gambling admission I’m less sympathetic towards your husband.
He needs to understand the bills- not handle them but go through them and see the numbers

Anniefrenchfry · 19/04/2022 07:01

How long ago was the gambling issue and How much was it

I don’t think uou should confuse the two, this isn’t about blame,it doesn’t help. You both need to find a way forward.

Sit down and look at finances, set a budget, also are you claiming everything you can, including disability benefits? What hours do you work and in what kind of role?

Anniefrenchfry · 19/04/2022 07:12

Also op you say your health will be better, is there an estimation of when that will be, are you undergoing treatment that is expected to get you there?

Is part of the issue he thinks you could work more hours, or that you spend needlessly when he’s working nearly 50 hours a week to make ends meet, or maybe both?

Sitting down and understanding your treatment plan and if there is a timeline to get back to work full time, going through the finances and agreeing a budget together, and also ensuring you claim everything you can, Inc disability benefits would be a positive step forward.

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 07:15

You need to sit down and talk to him.

Herejustforthisone · 19/04/2022 07:39

£1 is really expensive for pencils…

Confused
IncompleteSenten · 19/04/2022 07:42

I bloody would be telling him you being too ill to work for a while wouldn't be a problem if he hadn't spent £xxx savings on gambling and that he doesn't have the right to blame you for a physical illness.

Bagelsandbrie · 19/04/2022 07:46

£1 is not expensive for pencils. Confused

Anyway….

I would suspect if you’ve been buying everything that he doesn’t realise how expensive everything has become recently. I think you need to go through the budget together and maybe even go food shopping together so he can see how much stuff actually costs. I think he will be shocked.

HairyScaryMonster · 19/04/2022 07:50

There are threads on here on how to make a bit of extra cash, surveys, points from gaming etc. Worth checking your budget and energy supplier etc to see if you can get a better deal. I agree he's annoyed and needs to see where the money is going.

Anniefrenchfry · 19/04/2022 07:53

@IncompleteSenten

I bloody would be telling him you being too ill to work for a while wouldn't be a problem if he hadn't spent £xxx savings on gambling and that he doesn't have the right to blame you for a physical illness.
You cannot keep punishing someone for the same sin. He did a bad thing, it’s clear he has moved on and they have both rectified it. Using it as a stick to continually beat him with doesn’t help her.
PersephonePomegranate · 19/04/2022 08:45

Jesus, the lack of comprehension on this site kills me!

That poster didn't say £1 was expensive for pencils, they were reiterating what the OP's husband had said in contrast to his gambling problem that has lost them their savings.

FFS.

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 08:46

Neither of you are BU.

You are both struggling financially and you can either blame each other and make life more stressful or you can come together and make a plan of how you can improve your situation.

I completely get his side - he works lots of hours and doesn’t have anything to show for it.
He wants to buy a flat as renting is such a waste of money and he wants some assets so your son doesn’t go through the same thing you have to.

I also completely get your side - you are doing as much as you can and you’re not buying luxuries but the money just goes.

You seem worse off than me as I can afford a car and I am a single parent on only 1 wage and I get no UC. So I think there is money to be saved somewhere.

You need to both sit down and work out your incomings and outgoings.

Print out both of your last 3 bank statements.
Plan your meals.
Keep all your receipts and at the end of every week see where most of your money has gone and see if you can do it cheaper the following week.
Try and switch to a cheaper broadband or supermarket etc.

PersephonePomegranate · 19/04/2022 08:46

i.e to highlight the hypocrisy.

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 08:49

Jesus, the lack of comprehension on this site kills me!

That poster didn't say £1 was expensive for pencils, they were reiterating what the OP's husband had said in contrast to his gambling problem that has lost them their savings.

FFS.

Lol I think it’s you that lacks comprehension skills.

No one has said that OP thinks that £1 pencils are expensive.
It’s her DH who thinks they’re expensive/unnecessary.

Tinkywinkybag · 19/04/2022 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PersephonePomegranate · 19/04/2022 09:16

Lol I think it’s you that lacks comprehension skills.

No one has said that OP thinks that £1 pencils are expensive.

Err read the post I'm referring to and think again. I didn't say anything about the OP at all!

PersephonePomegranate · 19/04/2022 09:23

@WonderfulYou specifically the post by Legmechicken which elicited a confused face from herejustforthis one on relation to this: £1 is really expensive for pencils…

LOL

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 09:46

@PersephonePomegranate
Yes I have read it.
Maybe you should read it again.

The clue is in the … after the sentence and their next sentence.