How to split finances fairly?

[Chocomelon]

H + W married with one child DD
H has one DD (W'a DSD)
Married 5 years ago and both earned the same. Separate accounts but one joint account for bills and each paid half of joint expenses. W mostly paid for food and extras because H paid for CS.

W now earns circa £3000 a month. H earns around £2000 a month.

Neither want to have a fully shared account at the moment.

What is a fair way to split bills and expenses? Paying half each of bills is not fair on H. W paying all of food, house stuff, child needs not fair on her.

Options

Both pay ALL into a joint account for bills and savings and DD then keep an equal allowance each eg £750 or £1000. What about CM for DSD - does this come out of the allowance (could ensure it would be enough) or out of shared pot? What about savings for DD (W idea so should only W pay?)

Pay a proportion of each salary into joint account eg 50%. This would cover bills and leave some money left over which could be for food, household expenses, DSD needs or takeaways / holidays. Maybe we could have separate account for these.

First option means one partner still has more to spend than the other but they also have one more child. In fact they would have less in either option.

Are other contributions relevant?

W does most housework and main carer for DD. W wants to get a cleaner but H disagrees. W Cabot force B to pay half but unfair that W does all the cleaning otherwise.

Lots of factors.

This is a difficult one isn't it..
Clearly you have already taken the cms payment as a joint hit to adegree as you are compensating for it by buying all food. I'd be reluctant to pay it jointly as what happens if he looses his job - there would be an expectation that you pay that too.

Do you need the extra £1000 a month or could you out it straight into savings? Would give you a nice nest egg - but then there is a question of when it would be spent. Do you (both) have pensions?

I'd probably go down the route of all in a pot, pays for everything except cms and then you each get an amount to spend as you wish - it that can be big enough to cover cms plus some spare? I'm guessing on £2000 a month cms is around £300? That would see you get a return for your extra pay but shouldn't penalise him for cms.
In terms of savings I'd set up savings for both girls from the family pot - it you can afford it. Equal amounts. Then either parent can add to kids savings from their spends (but H should be an equal split, W would probably just go to dd).

Percentage is how we do it. So 40/60% split i think

You’re asking the wrong questions.

He doesn’t pull his weight with childcare.
He doesn’t pull his weight with housework.
He has the audacity to veto a cleaner despite not pulling his weight cleaning?

Unless he has disabilities or works considerably more hours than you…?

Why should you provide a financial partnership with someone who won’t provide you with a life partnership.

I’d pay 50% of joint expenses - so that doesn’t include his CMS. That would leave me with more money: so be it.

If you’re thinking, “but that’s not a marriage!” - then that’s my point, you’re asking the wrong questions.

The fuck would I be giving away my money to a man who won’t clean up after himself or care for his own child 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Cocomarine is spot on

I wouldn’t subsidise someone who doesn’t pull their weight around the house, at a bare minimum I’d spend the money on the cleaner instead to make my life easier not his!

I’d say, pay 50/50 on bills other than H pays CMS, W pays cleaner and savings for child if H doesn’t want to contribute. W should still be better off and if H is unhappy with this he needs to put more into the partnership himself to get more out.

And by 50/50 on bills I mean ALL bills incl food and stuff for DD

I’d take a close look at the 50/50 bills too.
My XH had an expensive lease car, I bought my older less flash car outright. His insurance was double mine. We both agreed that those were not 50/50 expenses! He wanted the most eye watering SkyTV package - I didn’t ever watch it. In that case, we were in fact in love and quite well off and I wasn’t going to refuse something like that to the penny! But it’s worth thinking about your bills and if they really are fairly 50/50.

How much is CM?

H gets off his lazy arse and takes half the responsibility in the house / with DD or you get a cleaner and only pay 50% into the pot (he pays for CM as its his child).

Lazy fucker.

We both have pensions.

We cannot save £1000 at the moment because of nursery fees but otherwise I was saving about that a month.

The reason we didn't do the equal allowance option before is because I thought CMS should come out of his bit but he thought this was unfair.

Why should you provide a financial partnership with someone who won’t provide you with a life partnership.

I do kind of think this. BUT as things are he pays his half of the bills and I pay for everything else. Baby pram, cot, nappies, clothes... food... furniture... home improvements. He just says he has no money.

I have also said recently I am not happy with the financial split or the housework split. He thinks he does enough as he works 9-5 and baths DD after work. I am "on" 24/7 with a baby that wakes up every hour.

He will say he doesn't have enough money for food. It has been that way since day one. First of all he looked for ways to get out of paying but when i tried to pin him down to a fair way if sharing it then he said he cant.

CMS is £350. I subsidise this anyway as he pays for half of the bills + CMS and I pay for my half of the bills + everything else which includes when DSD is with us and I'm buying food or paying for us to go out for the day.

He works the same hours that I work or sightly less as my work is probably sightly more demanding.

He’s awful 😢

He thinks a lot of stuff is unfair doesnt he. He wants you to help pay for his CMS (because that is in effect what you are doing) doesnt do any housework or cleaning yet wont pay for a cleaner or do it

Why are you putting up with this

You are not in the wrong here. He’s not even trying to find a fair solution. Why on earth does he think you should be paying for his child?
This was clearly unfair on you when you both earned equally - it’s now ridiculous. He sounds very selfish, and lazy as well.

Yes he's very selfish but thinks he does a lot and feels abused because I make him feel bad because I earn more.

I wouldn't want to make him feel bad just as it would be rubbish if a woman felt beholden to a man who earned more but it feels unfair that I put in more financially and physically.

He doesn't even save at all but corrects me if I refer to "my" savings and says their ours. He has a point but they go on things for the house anyway. I am not actually sure why he has no money.

We have said we will discuss how to split workload and finances fairly.

Putting it down in black and white it doesn't look good!

Putting it down in black and white it doesn't look good!

It really doesn't.

I'm not sure he wants a partnership as much as someone to subsidise him and do more childcare and housework.

I think I would look at what happens to his money. You say he earns £2000, pays £350 cms, which leaves £1650. How much of that is his half of the bills? What is left? I'd give him maybe a £200 leeway depending on commute costs etc - and expect everything else to contribute the the household.

What t would his reaction be if you said you couldn't afford food? Or nappies for dd or whatever she needs? Or the nursery bill?

And do something with those savings. He has already earmarked his share.

As far as the housework goes I'd do what you can in the time it takes him to bath dd - then I'd sit down? No clean clothes for him? Oh well he knows how to use the washer... no clearing up done from dinner? Oh well - if he's sat down after a full day at work why shouldn't you?

I wonder why the first wife is an ex?

after his half of the bills, a loan he pays and CMS I think he should have a round £500

I am his first wife. He had not been married before

I can do house work while he baths DD and usually do but that's often my only free half hour in the day. It's annoying when he has 12 hours+ free.

It does seem like he doesn't want to be a partner when it involves him doing something but he is ok with me doing more as long as I don't "rub his face in it" such as mention it.

So he currently does less than half of the effort and pays less than half of the joint costs and he still thinks he's hard done by?

What was the loan for and what does he spend his leftover money on?

If you pooled all your money, paid all joint costs including his CM and split the leftover 50/50 for personal spending money, that's quite generous on your part but it sounds like he'll have less money than he does now, that he already thinks is 'not enough'.

What is the point of him? But you've probably identified one of the reasons why he split with the mother of his first child.

I am also thinking at the moment that I might be better off with my child living separately from him. He doesn't do half the workload at abs resents what he does do. Like he does baths most days but thinks it's not fair he does it every day and I should do some days but ignores the fact that I do night wake ups every day, I do laundry every day, I do all the food shopping.

We have just had an argument as I said I'd like time for a bath tonight. He said I can do whatever I like but I have a baby. He seems to think he has no responsibility for the child as apparently I wanted a child but this is a planned baby. He adores her but thinks I'm solely responsible.

I think he is a horrible human being 80% of the time actually.

I agree I think you would be better off OP

Sorry I think this is a whole other thread

You could have a discussion with him about shaping up or shipping out.

After all, if you and he separated, and you continued to be the main carer for your DC and he had an EOW or similar arrangement, he'd have the cost of running his own home, have to pay child support to you as well the DM of his other DC, do all his own cooking, washing, housekeeping etc and have sole care of both his DC some of the time, eg alternating weekends, so he spends all of his weekends looking after DC.

@Quartz2208

I agree I think you would be better off OP

Yes, I agree with this. Get rid of the deadweight.

@Cocomarine

You’re asking the wrong questions.

He doesn’t pull his weight with childcare.
He doesn’t pull his weight with housework.
He has the audacity to veto a cleaner despite not pulling his weight cleaning?

Unless he has disabilities or works considerably more hours than you…?

Why should you provide a financial partnership with someone who won’t provide you with a life partnership.

I’d pay 50% of joint expenses - so that doesn’t include his CMS. That would leave me with more money: so be it.

If you’re thinking, “but that’s not a marriage!” - then that’s my point, you’re asking the wrong questions.

The fuck would I be giving away my money to a man who won’t clean up after himself or care for his own child 🤷🏻‍♀️

This

What was he like when you first got together? He sounds very selfish and tight.