Access where ex has been violent and has neglected dcs

[confusedbylawyers]

My ex was violent to me many times and has a conviction for it. He then left my dd2 (who is disabled) unattended in the house and drove 30 miles away and hasn't had any access since. I reported him to police for this on advice of friends/family and he has been charged with child abandonment and neglect. He has to go to court to plead in January. (I was surprised as police thought it would be a caution). Ex wants to see children, I don't want it to be unsupervised, but supervised access requires referral by court and is very expensive! I'm confused about what to do next. I've been to see two different solicitors but neither of them seemed to take it very seriously. The first suggested he see the children individually on their own. The second thought supervised contact, but had no idea how to set it up. I have done all the research into it, but because it seems to be so expensive, I haven't gone any further. Ex is hassling for contact. Any ideas? Thanks.

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what happens if you deny access and he has to go to court to get it, will that mean that he has to pay the costs? Have you cantacted families need fathers (it is for all parents not just dads) I think they may be able to help you find out this sort of info.

Could contact be supervised by a family member? That doesn't have to be done through the court.

If not, then write him a letter stating that you are not prepared to grant him unsupervised contact as a result of his abandonment of your dd2 and ask him for his proposals for supervised contact. He will undoubtedly speak to his solicitor who should then get the ball rolling wrt a court order.

Thanks cargirl, their website looks very helpful.

I've already spoken to SS as they came to assess us for possible respite care for dd2. They seemed fairly uninterested but gave no written objection to the supervised access (but no actual confirmation they were happy with it either). I'm sure most lawyers do know how to set up supervised access, but I seem to have chosen a couple of dud ones so far. You have to be referred to the supervised access through a court, which of course costs money, and I'm not eligible for legal aid. I suppose ex-h will have to start the process.

All I've tried to find is some practical, helpful and supportive advice from a lawyer, but it seems to be so hard to come by!

there some regulars on MN who are solicitors or know lots abour family law so peraps bmp this thread occasionally or start one asking about how to get a recommendation for a decent family lawyer?

Thanks freckle, his mother is really the only close relative around and she is 80. He is quite dominant of her, so I don't feel that she could control the situation if anything went wrong.

Also there is the added difficulty that ex-h has been unemployed since 2003 and is reluctant to incur any costs! I do feel that I should just leave him to get things started, but at least I can say that I have tried to find out all the options, even though my lawyer has been less than helpful.

Hmm, well I've had a closer look at the Families need Fathers website and while informative, its very anti-mother (I suppose unsurprisingly)!! Apparently, 40% of separated mothers attempt to "thwart contact" by "pretending that domestic violence took place"! Also, Contact Centres are viewed as "humiliating" which is "perhaps why ex-wives choose to use them"! Don't think they are going to be very supportive!

that's a shame! Hmm at least you know why the system isn't set up to help you. Back to my try and get a good lawyer thread.

Have you tried the CAB?? Or maybe Gingerbread?
I'd have thought Gingerbread would be able to advise being for lone parents. Also if there was DV then try womens aid.

FYI confused by lawyers, FNF is not anti-mother - in fact FNF is a gender neutral national charity that has been in existence since 1979. Committed to the concept of shared parenting and promoting children's relationships with BOTH parents post-separation .... rant over

also FYI false accusations of DV are becoming more and more common as a means to prevent contact. Contact orders are also flouted by resident parents (usually women) with no consequences.... rant #2 over!

It doesn't surprise me that solicitors aren't interested in looking into contact centres for you - there is no money in if for them! face it, tapeworms,sorry solicitors, are ONLY interested in making more money and prolonging any litigation - that's how they earn a crust!

... ok look into contact centres local to you , start with the national association of contact centres (NACC), google it. Chances are there is one near you, probably a local church. In other circumstances, social services will have a contact centre which contact between parent and child can take place for observation/supervision.

If you go to court,the court can make an order for supervised contact for a certain period of time to occur (usually 3-6 months) then it will be returned to court for a review. When you first go to court, there will be a duty CAFCASS officer present, CAFCASS should have experience of CCs, but then again CAFCASS are another failing organisation

also, if there has been police involvement, then get written confirmation from the police, including crime numbers, for the child neglect - as this will have some bearing on any child matters.

IMHO it's appropriate for supervised contact, with your sons requirements social services are probably not showing interest as, well, they're damn lazy and it's far too complicated a case for them, so they move on.

Are there any disability groups who you can contact to see if they have any experience of contact with 'disabled' kids and separated parents.

I would join FNF, they are a gender neutral charity and I'm sure their vast experience of knowledge will help you out.

Women's aid are a very biased anti-male organisation who give false information on violence, more famous for ignoring female on male violence.

Thanks yerblurt, at last someone who can shed some light on why the various individuals/organisations behave as they do! I think my situation is complicated which is why I'm having such problems sorting it out and no one seems to want to take it on.

I am open-minded about FNF and may well join it, it's just that the pages on Contact Centres/domestic violence don't seem exactly unbiased on first viewing! But I take your points on board.

I think you're right about SS, it seems a bit beyond them. Also I tried going to Mediation, and they wouldn't touch the case with a bargepole!! I've just been feeling a bit cut-off. No wonder some women just give up and avoid contact.

Why is supervised access very expensive? I do this for a family local to me, exh pays my fee (I charge £30 for a 2 hour session) plus any expenses - such as when we take the child to softplay, animal farm, etc. Having supervision for a disabled child may cost more, depending on what specialist care is required, but I can't see why it would be more than the usual cost of a carer.
If ex is hassling for contact, and a court rules that contact must be supervised, then make sure the court rules that your ex will need to pay the costs of that supervision.

Yes I don't see why there should be costs involved for paying for supervised access, seems completely ridiculous to me

Have a look at NACC, phone up a few local ones to you , ask around.

Also, there is an organisation called NYAS, national youth advisory service - they are a bit like CAFCASS (although supposed to be better), they have experience with contact issues for the court and have in the past supervised contact and prepared any welfare reports.

Well I'm sorry it seems so ridiculous to both of you, but have you actually investigated it?! I have!

Costs involved:
a) Referral through a solicitor - costs incurred to date £250 for free initial consultation and subsequent emails/letters to ex, not even vaguely anywhere near achieving an agreement
b) Cost of supervised access centre locally £300 per session, minimum of 10 sessions recommended, therefore total cost £3,000!! This is because of my ex's convictions including a child-related offence which means that more "heavy-duty" supervision is deemed necessary.
c) The cost of a supervised access in my ex's town was £60 per session, again which may stretch over a 3-6 month period, again costing a very significant amount.
d) There is a basic 'supported' contact centre available which is much cheaper, but none of the individuals involved there that I spoke to felt it was suitable due to the history of my ex's behaviour. The level of monitoring by volunteer staff there would not be adequate they felt.

I hope this explains it to you!!

supervised contact is incredibly expensive and usualy only a temporary measure until both parties feel happy and settled with the idea of contact.

contact your local childrens centre. there are a large number of churcvh run charities that will act as a family centre. although they rarely offer 1:1 supervision you will be comfortable in the knowledge that the father is not alone with the children and that it will be contained in a safe environment.

i am in a similar position to yourself although i am now into my 3rd year of court case over it all.

if you can find a way without lining the solicitors pockets i would advise you to take it.

Basically, you don't get anything for nothing. If we went to court, the judge might charge costs to my ex which he could refuse to pay, or 50/50, but even 50% of the whole cost (including court fees/solicitor fees etc) would be high. I have looked into all this already in some detail and tbh I posted this thread because I am completely disillusioned with the whole thing. I'm trying to find a way for my dcs to continue seeing their father and it seems that the system is determined to make it as difficult as possible (although if their Dad had behaved sensibly in the first place, none of this would have been necessary ). Thanks for your advice everybody.

Thanks mamazon, sorry to hear you are in a similar position. I will try the idea of local church groups, haven't looked into that one.

THat's appalling, confused. You have every right to be very pissed off indeed. Would it be worth contacting the Citizen's Advice Bureau, at all? They might have a clue which lawyers actually know anything about this sort of case.

Nannynick, why is the supervised access necessary in your case if you don't mind posting that? Would you be happy supervising alone someone who had a history of domestic violence and also a disabled child in addition to a lively NT child for £30 for 2 hours?

I would also add that getting a good solicitor is vital.

my advice would be to contact a firm that does not deal with family work at all and ask them to recommend someone that does.

phone a few and teh one that gets the most recommendations will be the one thats the best.....trust me!

my first solicitor refused the courts request to hold a fact finding hearing as he didn't feel it necessary. i left the room and then sacked him there and then.

a good solicitor ( and subsequently barrister) is worth its weight in gold

confused - I forgot about court fees, I don't get involved with that... you are quite right, legal costs can be high.

I am doing supervised access due to the parents relationship breaking down, due to domestic violence. Child has a medical condition, but not classified as being disabled - but needs someone who knows first aid, resus, what to do if a child has a fit etc.
Would I do this for a family with more than one child, Yes... I nanny for a family with 4 children, so I am used to having more children, plus the children are really in the care of the father - I'm there to assist and to help prevent repeat of violence towards them.
If the father turned nasty, I don't really know what would happen - all I know is that I would try to remove myself and the children from the situation as fast as possible. So far, with the family I work with, nothing untoward has happened - I suspect because the father knows that he could lose contact with his child, and I suspect he hopes at next court review, the court will permit unsupervised contact (if there are no incidents during supervised contact).