HUSBAND DID NOT RETURN DS FOR CHRISTMAS

[mummyfixit]

Can anyone help me. I have also posted on relationship thread.

My DS was due to be returned to me at 2pm on CHristmas eve. ExH called me at 1.45pm to tell me he was not returning him. My DS is only 3.

I left ExH on 10th December, not a nice man and very controlling. This was the first time he had seen DS since then (had spoken to him every evening). We exchanged solicitors letters and it was ExH idea to have DS from 22/12 to 24/12 and return him to me. I readily agreed as DS should see his Daddy. Now ExH will not return son, will not let me see him and says he will fight for custody. Please, please can anyone help.

I am going to try to call a Solicitor tomorrow (my solicitor is closed until 2/1/08).

I hope you got a penal notice attached to that order. Your ex has been totally out of order and utterly selfish.

So glad you will be getting your little boy back.

Thank you. Fingers crossed all goes ok tomorrow.

Got presents to sort out now

I hope you and your little boy have a lovely "Christmas day" together tomorrow, when you get to open presents and have fun together again.

Hope you manage to have a good 'Christmas Day' when he gets back tomorrow.

mfi, I'm so glad you are close to getting DS back hope you can have a lovely late Christmas with him when you do.

He won't have understood at all what was happening or why you weren't there, so you may have to keep explaining that Daddy was so happy to see him that he kept forgetting to bring him back to you.

Please have a witness/someone with you at around the time you are expecting XDH to bring your son back. Just in case he is very late or a bit funny.

MaLopez. I had my family in the other room and they could see and hear what was going on when ExH dropped off DS.

We had a lovely day, lots of presents and good fun. DS was so pleased to see us all. Really was a lovely day.

Thank you all for your help - it is great having people to 'talk' to on here. Will let you know how things go on the 7th January - the next court date.

Did ex-H have any explanation for his unacceptable behaviour?

The explanation was that Joe had changed. The Judge in Court said that children change constantly especially at 3 three years old. I agree that DS may be rather confused at the moment but there is no excuse whatsoever for taking him away from the rest of DS family on Christmas Eve and denying DS his Christmas. Appalling behaviour.

How does the child changing mean that his dad can just ignore agreed arrangements and cause so much distress? How is he supposed to have changed?

Apparently DS was quiet and did not speak. In fact I agree with this to a certain point as when myself and my sister were taking DS to his father DS did not speak and would not smile. DS was quite upset that morning before we took him as he was worried father christmas would not come and fill up his stocking. He wanted to take the stocking with him. ExH seems to want DS to be a little adult rather than a little boy.

DS cousins had a sleepover last night with me and DS is just in his element he is having a wonderful time.

so glad you and your DS are together again.

I'm glad he's having a good time now.

so glad you have got your DS back and having a wonderful time. Let us know how things go on Monday.

Went to Court on Monday. The Judge awarded joint custody - week with me then week with him as an interim order to allow a CAFCASS report to be prepared.

Anyone had experience of this and know what I need to do, or expect.

Thanks

The judge will not have made an order for residence necessarily (unless it is in the Interim Order) as the court has no evidence before it yet - that's the job of CAFCASS

CAFCASS will make a report for the court on the issues the court has asked in the Interim Order (what does the IO actually say?).

CAFCASS will take ages to get anything done - you're usually looking at 16 weeks (when is your next hearing listed for at court?). CAFCASS will come around to both your homes when the child is there and do an observation, maybe ask the child some questions (and they will probably be leading questions), have a chat with you about the child's homes and your relationship with the ex. Basically CAFCASS are social services in disguise.

Then you will get the CAFCASS report - or your solicitor will if you have one. The CAFCASS report will be set out in terms of the infamous child welfare checklist as worded in the Children Act 1989.

If the current status quo is a week on a week off, then it is likely that is what will remain. If that is what you both feel is best for the child then you can both agree before court that is what you want and get a Shared Residence Order by consent (I have a SRO).

A SRO means that both parents are legally equal, the child has two homes of equal value and a SRO removes the notion that one parent is somehow good and the other isn't - as with a 'traditional' sole residence order in favour of one parent and a contact order for the other.

You can also get the terms of the order defined - I would recommend this, so that the school holidays, say, are clearly defined, what is going to be the division of half term, summer holidays, xmas and new year. It's better to get as much detail in the order as possible as you don't really want to be going back to court in a year or so's time for a variation of the order - with all the stress and cost involved.

A SRO can actually reduce conflict and contrary to what the 'experts' may tell you, parental co-operation is NOT a prerequisite for a SRO.

I speak from experience having gone through the family court system last year, had the CAFCASS report, self-represented myself and got a SRO for my daughter, despite all the crap and lies my ex told about me, my daughters father.

Hi yerblurt. Thanks for the info. I cannot ge a SRO as Ex-H currently lives 120 miles away from me. The order the Judge made on Monday is just an interim one and CAFCASS are going to make a Report. I have been told this will take approximately 14 weeks and then a Court date will be set.

Distance is no barrier to a shared res order, don't accept any crap like that.

There is case law for this. In one case (Re: F), one parent lived in scotland the other in the south of the england and they still had a SRO as this reflected the reality of the child's life:

• that the children spend considerable amount of time at both homes
• that the children have a sense of two homes - a mum's and a dad's
• the situation reflects the reality of the children's life.

Ask your solicitor why there cannot be a SRO.

You and the ex can always agree to a shared res order by consent and then spend time on working out the practicalities of the time split.

There can't be a SRO as you describe because the child will start school soon and no one can do a 240 mile school run

very good point - all these things you will have to think of before the next hearing and also when CAFCASS actually get their useless arses in gear and get around to do a report.

by the way you have a right to challenge an incorrect cafcass report - they have to treat each parent equally i.e. see both parents/houses/children under exactly the same circumstances otherwise these will be points to challenge a cafcass report. the CFR (cafcass reporter) will not normally be at the next court hearing unless so ordered to by the court and he/she can be cross-examined at a Finding of Fact hearing.

anyway, back to the schooling... how will the schooling work? Have schools been looked into? Practically how is it going to work.

This is still no barrier to the making of a SRO as a SRO:
DESCRIBES WHERE THE CHILD WILL LIVE

i.e. that the child has TWO HOMES OF EQUAL VALUE and that both parents are fully equal with respect to authorities such as the LEA/medical + hospital authorities where many non-resident parents run into problems getting information they are entitled to.

Ex-H wants to send DS to private school but he will not be able to fund this. I want to send DS to state school near me which is excellent and which Ex-H actually sent one of his children to from a previous relationship.

If he can't afford a private school (and were is the school btw, is it near his house/yours?) then it's a non-starter.

If you think the local school is good , be pro-active, get the ofsted reports for all the local schools and read them.

As before, distance is no impediment to a SRO.

Private school near his house. Have got ofsted report for state school near me, it is very good. To get DS through private school system would cost £150,000 or more. Just absolutely no way Ex-H can do this. He is just kidding himself.

If he can't afford it then forget it, probably distraction tactics.

concentrate on the issues before you - CAFCASS report and the next court hearing.

What's your legal advice said so far?

I cannot believe that a 'one week here, one week there' arrangement can be anything but upsetting and unsettling for a 3yr old.

If this was all that was offered to me and I had no worries about DH's capacity as a father then as much as it would break my heart I would rather he lived with his Daddy full-time.

I'm not suggesting you give up custody just that such court orders seem to ignore the welfare of the child. Of course the child should regularly see the absent parent but continuing to live in the home they know with the parent who has stayed in the house seems to ofter far greater stability than moving house every Friday night.

Good luck. I have a friend who left her very controlling husband. Best thing she ever did.