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Original poster

What's the etiquette around loaning people money and them making other purchases?

28 replies

Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 23/12/2021 16:11

I loaned my husband £5000. It was to go towards his share of a joint purchase we made - I paid £10000, under the agreement that he'd pay me back £5000 as and when he could. I didn't set a deadline, I thought he'd just pay it back as we agreed. We don't share our finances and the £10000 was part of an inheritance I received.

He works on commissions and has just had a £1000 bonus. He has a 3 year old phone and has decided he wants to buy a new one: for £1000.

I didn't necessarily expect for him to pay me back the full £1000 bonus he received this month but I'm a bit shocked that he's chosen to buy himself a new phone when he still owes me without making any effort to pay any money back. When I brought it up, he said I couldn't tell him what to do with his money (which I actually completely agree with and would expect the same from him re. my money).

What's the etiquette in this situation? Am I in the wrong to expect him to pay me back as a priority when I never actually explicitly said this?

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 23/12/2021 16:12

Oh god. So awkward. Can you broach the subject and suggest a repayment of a few hundred a month?

Avarua · 23/12/2021 16:16

Agree a repayment plan for the 5000.

Original poster
Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 23/12/2021 16:17

@AgathaMystery I have suggested that, but his commission can be a bit unreliable and some months is great and some months it's barely anything (he does still get a reasonable base salary, I should add). So it did seem unreasonable to a degree. But I will bring this up again, just to get the ball rolling on the idea that he'll pay me back (it's been 6 months now since I loaned him the money and he's not made a single repayment).

It's horribly awkward....

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 23/12/2021 16:19

Neither a borrower nor a lender be !

Ragwort · 23/12/2021 16:21

I doubt he'll pay you back, he probably assumes if you are married that it is 'joint' money and in the end you will just stop mentioning it. He's had six months to start repaying you and he hasn't offered anything ? Hmm.

BackAwayFatty · 23/12/2021 16:28

Why don't you suggest a % of his bonus? Or any payment which is agreeable so resentment doesn't build up every time he makes a purchase

BackAwayFatty · 23/12/2021 16:28

Commission not bonus so going forward from next month

RedRobyn2021 · 23/12/2021 16:32

I would just tell him

Why are you spending £1K on a new phone when you owe me £5K?

Me and my partner aren't married but I thought in marriage you were meant to share everything anyway? If you divorced wouldn't be entitled to that money anyway?

Redburnett · 23/12/2021 16:34

If you are married it is all family money so effectively irrelevant.

StruggleStreet · 23/12/2021 16:41

I wouldn’t be happy about that at all and would say so. He shouldn’t be making extravagant purchases when he owes you so much money.

notacooldad · 23/12/2021 16:42

It's horribly awkward...
How can it be horribly awkward talking to your husband about money.
Money is money in our house so we dont do " joint" purchases but after waiting so long and him buying other things a conversation would sound like ' a, knobhead, you are absolutely taking the mick about the money I lent you. When I'm i going to have it back, I'm not joking it's been 6 months now and I've not had a penny while youve been pissing your bonus away.

That should get the convo started!

Porfre · 23/12/2021 16:45

My take is- it's a cheap lesson to learn.

Its cost you 5k to learn the lesson.

Hopefully you've learned it well, so you wont have the same problems again.

babouchette · 23/12/2021 16:46

You will never get that money back unless you push for a repayment plan. Tell him you want 20% of all his commission/bonuses until it's paid off.

OfMinceAndMen · 23/12/2021 16:52

There is no 'etiquette' with your own husband!
Just say "you know, I thought it was a bit off that you didn't prioritise paying me back before buying yourself something so expensive". Then you have a conversation about it...

Original poster
Dextersmumhasgotitgoingon · 23/12/2021 17:12

I don't agree that because we've married it's joint money. Like I said, we don't share finances, we've decided to keep that part of our life independent because we have very different spending habits and it's just better for us both that way! It usually works for us, but this seems to be the exception. In future I will certainly be setting out a more formal agreement...

I've just now spoken to him about it and he's happy to start paying me back from January! At £500 a month.

OP posts:
HacerSonarSusPasos · 23/12/2021 17:18

Has there been a precedent to this or is it the first time you've lent him money?

Ragwort · 24/12/2021 08:24

That's good if you've had had a conversation about it and he's committed to start paying back ... just make sure he does and be very wary of 'lending' him any money in the future. You say you keep your money separate as you have 'very different spending habits' - I would not 'lend' anyone money in that situation.

Actually I have lent money twice ... sadly neither times was it returned (fortunately it wasn't to my DH ....).

userxx · 24/12/2021 08:36

I'd be pissed off too. My boyfriend frustrates me with his spending habits, we are complete opposite's to each other. In future set a payment plan up before loaning any money.

delilahbucket · 24/12/2021 08:52

You are married. It doesn't matter which way you dress it up, if you divorce, all monies are split. This whole "my money his money" thing baffles me. It is completely meaningless. Even a prenup wouldn't stand up in a UK court.

userxx · 24/12/2021 08:59

@delilahbucket

You are married. It doesn't matter which way you dress it up, if you divorce, all monies are split. This whole "my money his money" thing baffles me. It is completely meaningless. Even a prenup wouldn't stand up in a UK court.

Where has the op said she's getting divorced? Why should she pay for the whole purchase when her husband is more than capable of paying his share ? He sounds like he's trying to ponce money off her and that's not a nice trait.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 24/12/2021 09:04

It’s so weird not being able to talk openly about money with your husband. To me its even more weird to keep finances separate like that. DH and I pool everything and keep an amount for our own spending.

I earn ten times what DH does but he freely spends without worrying about his and hers.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 24/12/2021 09:11

Speak up. Don't let it fester and potentially ruin your relationship.. I let rip at dh when he owed me. We made a payment plan and he had actually stuck to it since March!!
Separate finances as I have dc and I prefer it this way!

Elieza · 24/12/2021 09:24

If he doesn’t pay you back I’d be selling the £10k thing and keeping the money. I’m presuming it’s a car.

Nobody needs a £1k phone. That’s just mental. Especially when they have many thousands of debt.

Sounds like he things money IS joint money even if you don’t think so. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own…

Bouncer500 · 24/12/2021 09:28

Does it matter if the money came from his account or your account?

wanttomarryamillionaire · 24/12/2021 10:11

Id bloody well help myself to
It from his bank account! Selfish git!

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