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Original poster

New baby WWYD?

55 replies

Neomisnice · 03/11/2021 11:39

DP & I are expecting.

We have minimal savings really, but luckily low living expenses.

When i am on maternity i will be living on £800 a month. But more than half of that will go to half the household expenses and food which is what i do now with my full salary.

The rest goes to my bare essential bills, leaving no money for baby stuff, nappies milk clothes etc, plus general day to day spending. So i am saving like mad now to prepare.

In terms of DP, what would you expect from him? Maybe take away the food and bills element out of my money to allow for the baby stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neomisnice · 03/11/2021 14:34

I don't think he will like the idea of everything in the same pot. He always says he works hard to get where he is now and thats his money.

So alternative to that would be potentially working out how much is needed for the month and split proportionate to income?

I guess i feel weird about it because i have a child who lives with us so he will be bearing the brunt of that financially too which feels a bit unfair. He also has a child but they don't live here, only stay 2 weekends a month.

OP posts:
RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 03/11/2021 14:55

Oh dear OP. This is not a good situation for you.

shivawn · 03/11/2021 15:34

He always says he works hard to get where he is now and thats his money.

Oh great. Great attitude. Im really annoyed by this on your behalf. Does he have any understanding of the fact that your loss of earnings is directly a result of having his baby and is equally his responsibility?

What's your loss of earnings? Does he normally earn a lot more than you?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 03/11/2021 15:43

I don't think he will like the idea of everything in the same pot. He always says he works hard to get where he is now and thats his money

Hmmm yes, but he also has to pay for his new baby! He can't honestly think its fair that you pay for all the baby expenses while he doesn't!

DriftingBlue · 03/11/2021 15:53

You are facing a serious problem with this man.
He doesn’t respect the economic danger women face from pregnancy and child rearing.

JewelleryBox · 03/11/2021 15:59

He always says he works hard to get where he is now and thats his money.
But he’ll still pay for his baby though right? And acknowledge that the reason he can have a career is because you’re doing the childcare? Otherwise... why on earth would you have a child with him??

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/11/2021 16:12

So alternative to that would be potentially working out how much is needed for the month and split proportionate to income?

Yes, that is minimum to be fair but maintain separate finances.

Original poster
Neomisnice · 03/11/2021 16:15

@shivawn He earns about 3-5k more than me normal pay, depending on overtime etc

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 03/11/2021 16:16

This rings alarm bells for me all over the place.

I assume you are planning to return to work? What will happen about childcare?

LIZS · 03/11/2021 16:20

So he has no plans to support his child? Whose property do you live in?

RestingPandaFace · 03/11/2021 16:22

Ring alarm bells for me too, but having said that we slit the other way round. We have a joint account and we both pay into it enough to ensure that all household expenses are covered including childcare and child costs as that’s both our responsibility.

We pay in proportional to what we earn, which at the moment is, which at the moment is a 55/45 split me/DH but in the past has varied one way or another.

RestingPandaFace · 03/11/2021 16:22

split not slit

Isabellabasil · 03/11/2021 16:22

This is very bad OP. I never say this but I don't think you can recover from this. Because it isn't just about this one thing, it's about what it says about his whole phililosophy. He doesn't see you as an equal or value your contribution. And he doesn't see the baby as a joint responsibility..

Original poster
Neomisnice · 03/11/2021 16:23

@LIZS oh no he does but i suppose i feel like i should pay more because of him supporting my child now.

We live in a house we bought together 5 years ago. Which i have about 70% share of

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 03/11/2021 16:26

[quote Neomisnice]@LIZS oh no he does but i suppose i feel like i should pay more because of him supporting my child now.

We live in a house we bought together 5 years ago. Which i have about 70% share of[/quote]
Him supporting YOUR child🙄

MarshmallowsOnToast · 03/11/2021 16:26

@Neomisnice

I don't think he will like the idea of everything in the same pot. He always says he works hard to get where he is now and thats his money.

So alternative to that would be potentially working out how much is needed for the month and split proportionate to income?

I guess i feel weird about it because i have a child who lives with us so he will be bearing the brunt of that financially too which feels a bit unfair. He also has a child but they don't live here, only stay 2 weekends a month.

He always says he works hard to get where he is now and thats his money.

Wow. I hope you realise how insulting that is.

Are you a lazy sponger who does not work hard then?

No wonder you're pregnant. I bet you can't keep your hands off such a wonderful prince.

RestingPandaFace · 03/11/2021 16:28

If you feel love you should pay more because or you child from a previous relationship maybe add an extra £50 a month to your bit and you both pay clothes toys and trips yourself. Let’s be honest a child doesn’t cost a lot in bills and food until they are a hungry caterpillar teenager.

LadyDanburysHat · 03/11/2021 16:29

How do you currently split bills? Is it proportionate? I think you are in a really crap position here, and he sounds tight with money. The time for this conversation was before you got pregnant. But it certainly needs to be had now.

nimbuscloud · 03/11/2021 16:29

@Kitkat151
I think the op means she has an older child from a previous relationship and that her dp is supporting that child financially.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 03/11/2021 16:31

He shouldn't have to support your child no - Its only right you continue to pay towards housing costs because you have a child at home that isn't his. But he should contribute to 50% of the costs of the baby you have together. Unfortunately if that means you can only take the minimum maternity leave then so be it.

Viviennemary · 03/11/2021 16:49

What costs for you come to £400 a month. That seems s lot for spending money if money is tight.

BunNcheese · 03/11/2021 17:27

@ftw163532

What on earth?!
My thoughts too
blairresignationjam · 03/11/2021 22:10

I despair with men like this.
When you say you don't think he'll like the idea of combining everything - You aren't asking him to plow his income into some superficial hobby of yours, it's a new life!

To me, it seems only right and fair that both parents have access to money, whoever is earning it. If you don't currently pool your incomes, now is the time.
You being on maternity leave, or reduced hours, is facilitating him working full time. Don't ever forget that

BeeLady15 · 04/11/2021 12:41

I just don’t understand how couples with a kid and presumably life plans together can keep their finances separate. Women take a financial hit when they have a baby, whatever way you look at it. What is your partner doing with his money OP? Does he not want to build a shared future with you? Anyway, you are where you are. You should open a joint account for all child related expenses and both put an equal amount in to it. Take the minimum amount of maternity leave and get back to your normal wages ASAP. Get him to pay half of all childcare expenses when you do get back. Protect your earning capabilities as it sounds like you’ll need to watch out for yourself with this one. Good luck.

ivykaty44 · 05/11/2021 22:24

you are. both parents to the baby

you put all wages and your income together, pay the bills, buy baby stuff and then split the rest

otherwise you'll need to be back to work and dad stay home on paternity