How much would you sacrifice?

[gingercatsparky]

DH and I find ourselves at a cross roads and things are not good in our marriage. He started his own business 15 years ago and when I met him he was working out of the spare room. 15 years later his business has done very well and has grown hugely. Particularly in the past 5 years. It has completely exploded in a good way over covid. This has put increasing amounts of pressure on our marriage as DH has worked long hours, has a lot of stress, is all consumed with the business and at times hasn't had much time or energy levels for me and the dcs. I fell into the role of picking up all the slack, pretty much doing everything else.

As the dcs went to school I wanted my own career and took a career break to study, changed career and then began studying for a masters. During the second lockdown I had a bit of a mini breakdown and realised I didn't want to/ couldn't prop everything up on my own anymore so he could concentrate on his business. The strain has become too much. DH feels like he can't do anymore and has little to give after his work commitments. I am not willing to sacrifice my own career and want him to step up more.

I have chosen the worse possible time to start a two year degree- DH business is at a real cross roads, he describes it as the this is it moment he has been working towards for 15 years, with his two business partners they can make it big, they are reaching milestones they never reached before. We have two very young dcs and COVID but I can't get out of it and I don't want to, it hard work but after years of trying to change career I have found something I love.

I get what DH is saying and we rely on his income for our lifestyle but at what cost? We are financially sound and I am lucky that o don't have to work but I want to. He could scale back and we would be ok but he doesn't want to bail just when he's finally getting the business to where they have dreamed of. I am resentful of how much his business takes out of our life, he's resentful of any down time I have- which isn't much.

It s a real cross roads and a real change. I don't know what to do. I feel unhappy with the divide of labour in the house, I don't think I want to maintain this level of stress and busyness we have. I feel guilty for working and this having an impact on the dcs. It's been ok before as I have picked up the slack but I don't want to/can't do that anymore.

We had this. DH took on more staff to make his life easier. Meant we didn't have much cash for a year due to him paying them but after that the staff more than pay for themselves and we have more time. Massively improved everyone's quality of life and amount of free time. When a business grows you can't do everything yourself.

If he wants to continue to build his business (which I do understand) and you also want to work and take time for yourself and degree (which I also understand) your going to need to outsource the things that are tying you to the house and keeping you busy.

If you are financially sound then can you afford a nanny/au pair to cover the slack with the kids, cleaner, ironing lady etc

Would that free up some time that you could then use to pursue your own career?

That’s a really difficult position for both of you. If your dh isn’t prepared to change his work pattern and you aren’t prepared to change your work plans can you look at other solutions that work? Have you considered getting as much help in the house as possible- cleaner, ironing etc. Also, if his business is doing really well then can you get someone to help with the dc after school?

How are the two business partners managing?
Is this really the moment he’s been waiting for, or just yet another excuse?
Is what is keeping him busy genuinely what he needs to do, or a result of not delegating?
It sounds like the business can afford more staff… so if the latter, I’d be unimpressed.

Bottom line, I can’t see you changing this in the short term.
So buy in all the help you want - you can afford it if you wouldn’t “need” to work.
And make your peace with working when you have children. That’s OK.

@sskanky

We had this. DH took on more staff to make his life easier. Meant we didn't have much cash for a year due to him paying them but after that the staff more than pay for themselves and we have more time. Massively improved everyone's quality of life and amount of free time. When a business grows you can't do everything yourself.

Yes they have done this. But at the same time this adds more stress as DH is in sales so is responsible for getting income to pay everyone. We have talked about him employing someone to help him but it seems resources are always needed elsewhere and he is yet to employ any support for himself. I really would like him too. Their turnover is huge but this doesn't always turn to profit.

@Elzbells

If he wants to continue to build his business (which I do understand) and you also want to work and take time for yourself and degree (which I also understand) your going to need to outsource the things that are tying you to the house and keeping you busy.

If you are financially sound then can you afford a nanny/au pair to cover the slack with the kids, cleaner, ironing lady etc

Would that free up some time that you could then use to pursue your own career?

Yes we have outsourced as much as we can, we have a cleaner and an ironing lady. I am going to have to put the dcs into after school club a couple of days a week after half term. Unfortunately we have outsourced as much as we can, we can't afford a nanny etc plus I wouldn't want one. I told myself I would be there for the kids, I want to be available to pick them up and drop them off and take them to clubs etc. I don't want them to miss out because I have gone back to work but they are and I feel guilty about that. At the moment I am not earning much as I work part time to complete my study.

Can you pay people to do things in the house to lighten the load ?
Cleaner , window cleaner , childminder / friend to do dc school pick up / laundry service / online shopping etc .

@Cocomarine

How are the two business partners managing? Is this really the moment he’s been waiting for, or just yet another excuse? Is what is keeping him busy genuinely what he needs to do, or a result of not delegating? It sounds like the business can afford more staff… so if the latter, I’d be unimpressed.

Bottom line, I can’t see you changing this in the short term.
So buy in all the help you want - you can afford it if you wouldn’t “need” to work.
And make your peace with working when you have children. That’s OK.

One business partner is single and so can work all hours. The other, I think his partner just does it all even though she works full time herself. They are both very much driving this push and getting business analysis companies and business growth development companies which they haven't done before. DH has expressed just having an easy life and just working as a consultant a few days a week and lowering our lifestyle. But at the same time he doesn't want to bail on something he has worked 15 years for. But the impact on our life is too much at times.

The trouble is he has been in his nearly there position for many years, it's always we are nearly there. But this time it does seem different.

Yes- I think he isn't very productive with his time or efficient, he seems to take ages to do something which could be done a lot quicker. I don't think his time management is good and he lies in bed in the morning so starts work later than most. This is a big bug bear for me. They are putting lots of processes in place and targets etc which I hope will sort this for DH. I have talked to him about his time management many times and he won't address it.

DH got a virtual PA too who organises his life and makes it easier so if DC have a sick day etc she will reorganise meetings.
He does sales too so she will do the legwork lining up a meeting with a client and fixing schedules, sending follow ups etc which frees him up to do the actual sales all day rather than the admin he falls behind with.

@sskanky

DH got a virtual PA too who organises his life and makes it easier so if DC have a sick day etc she will reorganise meetings. He does sales too so she will do the legwork lining up a meeting with a client and fixing schedules, sending follow ups etc which frees him up to do the actual sales all day rather than the admin he falls behind with.

Sounds ideal. Problem is there are three directors so DH feels they all need to be equal.

This level of busyness is just for the year until I finish my degree but I am worried about how I can maintain it for a year. I am also worried about what happens afterwards when I work part time. I am not willing to go back to doing everything again. But scared I will fall back into that role by default. At the moment we are both trying to get time to work at weekends.

What does it have to do with equality? If it's something they won't agree to him having then he can pay for it himself surely. Why are you the only solving the problems.

I've been there, fought it and got the reformed DH who realises there's more to life and pulls his weight. There's a workaround but he has to want to change/ be more efficient / work less / pull his weight.

@sskanky

What does it have to do with equality? If it's something they won't agree to him having then he can pay for it himself surely. Why are you the only solving the problems.

I've been there, fought it and got the reformed DH who realises there's more to life and pulls his weight. There's a workaround but he has to want to change/ be more efficient / work less / pull his weight.

We are going through that battle now. How did you persuade him? I don't think he does want to step up more really, he's used to me doing it and he seems to find it harder than most to just get on with things in life. He gets run down and I'll much easier than your average person. He's doing it as I have told him in not happy and it's only now he is seeing the reality of potentially loosing his family unit.

He's torn though, he doesn't feel he can manage both I don't think. I will talk to him about a PA but they do have an admin person already. The turnover is huge but they don't necessarily make lots of profit- hence the business developers and strategists. I am not sure a PA is what he needs, I think someone to help in his role might be a better use of money. He says he will but often doesn't get round to things.

I don't think his business partners would mind if he gets someone to help in his role but DH doesn't seem to ever do it. He is big on fairness in terms of a PA I think he also doesn't want to loose face because of the hours they are putting in. Also I think it's another stress for him as it's someone else he has to get the money to pay. We don't have that kind of money to pay them directly ourselves until I start earning more which isn't for another year.

I worked full time as a charity CEO with 2 DC during some very stressful years of merges and change. They went to their Dad EOW and one evening a week. I managed with a cleaner and after school nanny. Its possible to do it all. Maybe just imagine you're a single parent for a while and find all the extra support you need to support the family.

@Bouledeneige

I worked full time as a charity CEO with 2 DC during some very stressful years of merges and change. They went to their Dad EOW and one evening a week. I managed with a cleaner and after school nanny. Its possible to do it all. Maybe just imagine you're a single parent for a while and find all the extra support you need to support the family.

Trouble is I don't want to. I have done this for the past 8 years, all on me. That's what my title is about- how much would you sacrifice? I don't want that life. I want DH to leave and we live a simpler life of him getting a more normal job or work part time as a consultant. Once I am qualified I can earn good money part time and we are in a position to be able to have a good life without working that much.

But DH would be resentful and I don't want him to give up his dream. He doesn't want to bail after working 15 years to get to this point. It's a situation I can't see a way out of. But I am not willing to sacrifice my own career, a less stressful life and a family/work balance.

Equally your DH might prefer it if you don't go back to work, etc. I don't think it's fair for either of you to ask the other to give up on their dreams and goals. How many hours per week is he actually working? It doesn't sound a ton if he's sleeping in?

I'm also not sure how you're going to get around not wanting a nanny/wanting to do be there for the kids yourself when you're also saying you don't want to do it all yourself so you can retrain. Is it that you want him to do the school runs instead, so if it isn't you, at least it's another parent picking up the kids? If so I don't think that's fair, to basically say to DH that he needs to switch jobs to save a nanny having to pick up the kids.

It's hard to balance two different ambitions in a marriage but it's possible if you're both flexible with timings. If this really is the big break they're looking for, would that mean you could retrain in a year or two? Or is it likely you'll still be in the same position you are now? These things get easier as kids get older, too.

In terms of how much you'd sacrifice, bear in mind that if this is the only reason your marriage might end (meaning your DH is otherwise a satisfactory husband), it will probably be much harder to have it all if you're a single parent. But maybe not, I don't know your full situation.

You’ve waited this long, couldn’t you defer one more year to give your DH a chance to get his shit together with work and back on a more even keel?

The answer is: you can’t have it all. You can’t have both parents in high-profile, busy roles and insist on not using available childcare options. Something has to give.

@Dyrne

You’ve waited this long, couldn’t you defer one more year to give your DH a chance to get his shit together with work and back on a more even keel?

The answer is: you can’t have it all. You can’t have both parents in high-profile, busy roles and insist on not using available childcare options. Something has to give.

I can't defer the course. I asked in the last lockdown as it was too much juggling and they said I couldn't. I am committed. It's also a good idea for me to go back to work to ease the pressure off DH as the sole earner.

In other ways I struggle with DH too. We don't have the same views on life in many ways. I was a SAHM for a period of 18 months out of nearly 20 years of working. He constantly throws that in my face. When I was a SAHM he wasn't happy and would make comments about my easy life compared to his and expect me to do 100% of everything around the house. He would constantly throw the fact that he earns the money in my face and I didn't feel valued or supported. He doesn't acknowledge he wouldn't be where he is now if I hadn't picked up everything else.

Part of the reason I wanted to go back to work is because of this. Even now as a part time worker doing a masters he still makes comments if I dare to go for a coffee with a friend. He admits he is resentful that I have time to do these things. But doesn't seem to acknowledge that someone needs to work around the dcs, pick them up etc. I asked if he would like me to work full time and pointed out what he would need to step up if I did. He doesn't want me to, so I can't win.

Yes- I am not sure he does work that long hours but he seems to struggle to just suck things up and get on with life as much as others do. He gets run down and sick very easily and needs lots of downtime. I don't think he's very effective with his time, I have brought this up but he is very defensive. Apparently he isn't a morning person. This is also an issue but he argues against it whenever I bring this up.

@AnonymousAuroch

Equally your DH might prefer it if you don't go back to work, etc. I don't think it's fair for either of you to ask the other to give up on their dreams and goals. How many hours per week is he actually working? It doesn't sound a ton if he's sleeping in?

I'm also not sure how you're going to get around not wanting a nanny/wanting to do be there for the kids yourself when you're also saying you don't want to do it all yourself so you can retrain. Is it that you want him to do the school runs instead, so if it isn't you, at least it's another parent picking up the kids? If so I don't think that's fair, to basically say to DH that he needs to switch jobs to save a nanny having to pick up the kids.

It's hard to balance two different ambitions in a marriage but it's possible if you're both flexible with timings. If this really is the big break they're looking for, would that mean you could retrain in a year or two? Or is it likely you'll still be in the same position you are now? These things get easier as kids get older, too.

In terms of how much you'd sacrifice, bear in mind that if this is the only reason your marriage might end (meaning your DH is otherwise a satisfactory husband), it will probably be much harder to have it all if you're a single parent. But maybe not, I don't know your full situation.

Yes, I need him to step up and do more now I am working. A few school runs, organise things himself more instead of asking me, take more control of things without asking me, cook tea more often. We have fallen into a rut of me doing it all and feeling resentful as I am finding it too much mentally.

I am not asking him to give up his job because I don't want a nanny. His job puts so much pressure on him, on our marriage and life. We make sacrifices for it he's a different person to the one I married. It's the reason he gives for not being able to step up and do more with the dcs and around the house. It's too much now.

If nothing else changed, but he woke up at a normal time and did the morning school run would that help? Realistically what help can he be at the moment without bailing out on the business?

I agree with PP, you can't have it all. I would knuckle down for this year and do whatever you have to to get through it and then reassess. I have been a broke single mum working F/T to support us and studying in the evening. I know it's hard, I know it's crap. But you can do it for a year (10 months?).

If he’s got such a big business then you need to pay for help, if you don’t want a nanny then how about a housekeeper?
Is give it a year and
then reassess if you are happy with him.

I hear you wanting your own career and independence OP. It’s really difficult to balance everything in a home with two busy working parents without the wraparound support like a nanny, cleaner etc. My children have been in childcare since they were very very young and it hasn’t impacted their emotional well-being or our relationship so don’t put yourself under all the pressure to have a parent do it all. Also, you say that next year you will be able to get a well paid part time job. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. There’s no certainty in it. What is certain is your husband’s business and income so I’d be loathe to get him to risk the financial security of the family for something that may or may not happen if you get me? Suck it up for the year. Get all the help you can. Do your masters, get the job, then re-asses. It’s horrible to have things like finance thrown back in your face but maybe see it from his point of view. I work very long hours too and I’m sometimes resentful when I see my husband heading off to play golf for a day or going for a run. I’m like Jesus, it’s well for him! I haven’t had time to for food today. But we both contribute, financially and otherwise so it’s about respecting the others contribution. Best of luck with the masters. I’m doing a masters at the moment too and it’s tough going with work and kids!!

@BeeLady15

I hear you wanting your own career and independence OP. It’s really difficult to balance everything in a home with two busy working parents without the wraparound support like a nanny, cleaner etc. My children have been in childcare since they were very very young and it hasn’t impacted their emotional well-being or our relationship so don’t put yourself under all the pressure to have a parent do it all. Also, you say that next year you will be able to get a well paid part time job. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. There’s no certainty in it. What is certain is your husband’s business and income so I’d be loathe to get him to risk the financial security of the family for something that may or may not happen if you get me? Suck it up for the year. Get all the help you can. Do your masters, get the job, then re-asses. It’s horrible to have things like finance thrown back in your face but maybe see it from his point of view. I work very long hours too and I’m sometimes resentful when I see my husband heading off to play golf for a day or going for a run. I’m like Jesus, it’s well for him! I haven’t had time to for food today. But we both contribute, financially and otherwise so it’s about respecting the others contribution. Best of luck with the masters. I’m doing a masters at the moment too and it’s tough going with work and kids!!

Thanks. Yes I think you're right. It's going to be a tough year.

Yes it will be tough but it will go quickly and you will hopefully get your dream job and your career back on track. I always have to tell myself that I can’t have it all, but I can have nearly all of it. I have zero free time or friendship time etc at the moment but I have the career of my dreams, two lovely kids and the opportunity to study and further my career, ensuring the financial well-being of myself and my family in to the future. My kids don’t have me picking them up from school or even childcare most days. There are days when they’re gone to bed by the time I’m home. However I coach my daughters football team on a Saturday morning, they’ve a house to live in, clothes, food, a good school to go to. It’s all a juggle. You’ll be fine. You’re lucky (as am I) that you can afford childcare and a cleaner etc. Makes it a bit easier. Best of luck!

Update- DH and I are just not getting on. He's been self isolating for 10 days and we managed to argue and then we have argued today on his first day out. I am tired or it all. It's got to the point where I don't know who's being unreasonable. It doesn't even matter anyway does it? We just don't get on.

He left his room today and made comments at how messy the kitchen was, he was surprised. I have been a single mum for 10 days, juggling both kids, bringing him food, work, study and all household chores. Yes- the kitchen wasn't great but it hasn't been left. Apparently this was a joke. In fairness he did then do a good job of sorting out the kitchen but we argued as I was upset by his comment.

We then sat in separate rooms as he was watching football. Had an argument about that. Then he wanted to speak to me when I was trying to watch a program I was following about things on his phone I am not interested in. I said text me it and briefly looked then tried to say nicely I am trying to watch this. He got moody. Then a program he wanted to watch came on and he asked me about something and I started telling him about a slight problem I had. He didn't want to hear and said I had been going on about it for 1O minutes. I said I listen to him talk about his work that I am not interested for long periods of time but he can't listen to me. We have an argument. He playfully slaps my leg which hurt and then starts tickling me, moving his hand up my thigh. I think he was trying to lighten the mood and be affectionate but it hurt and then tickled and I was trying to watch my program. He moans I am no fun he was having a laugh. I comment we find different things fun- we argue.

He asks if I have studying to do he thought I was stressed. I am up and down stressed about my course, but I am on a natural break now and can't start the next thing yet. The kids are off school so it's hard to study and I am feeling demotivated. I have kind of taken the half term off. He says it's not very fair if you then want me to have the kids when you're stressed and working at weekends. I comment this happens all the time with his work. We argue again.

This is the story of our life now. Petty argument after argument. I am so tired of it.