How much would you sacrifice?

[gingercatsparky]

DH and I find ourselves at a cross roads and things are not good in our marriage. He started his own business 15 years ago and when I met him he was working out of the spare room. 15 years later his business has done very well and has grown hugely. Particularly in the past 5 years. It has completely exploded in a good way over covid. This has put increasing amounts of pressure on our marriage as DH has worked long hours, has a lot of stress, is all consumed with the business and at times hasn't had much time or energy levels for me and the dcs. I fell into the role of picking up all the slack, pretty much doing everything else.

As the dcs went to school I wanted my own career and took a career break to study, changed career and then began studying for a masters. During the second lockdown I had a bit of a mini breakdown and realised I didn't want to/ couldn't prop everything up on my own anymore so he could concentrate on his business. The strain has become too much. DH feels like he can't do anymore and has little to give after his work commitments. I am not willing to sacrifice my own career and want him to step up more.

I have chosen the worse possible time to start a two year degree- DH business is at a real cross roads, he describes it as the this is it moment he has been working towards for 15 years, with his two business partners they can make it big, they are reaching milestones they never reached before. We have two very young dcs and COVID but I can't get out of it and I don't want to, it hard work but after years of trying to change career I have found something I love.

I get what DH is saying and we rely on his income for our lifestyle but at what cost? We are financially sound and I am lucky that o don't have to work but I want to. He could scale back and we would be ok but he doesn't want to bail just when he's finally getting the business to where they have dreamed of. I am resentful of how much his business takes out of our life, he's resentful of any down time I have- which isn't much.

It s a real cross roads and a real change. I don't know what to do. I feel unhappy with the divide of labour in the house, I don't think I want to maintain this level of stress and busyness we have. I feel guilty for working and this having an impact on the dcs. It's been ok before as I have picked up the slack but I don't want to/can't do that anymore.

Have you considered marriage counselling or a mediator? You seem to be both exhausted and not able to communicate your positions without an argument. I think you need an outside set of eyes to help you both to get through this. Good luck.

Yes I know.I spoke to DH about this and he reluctantly agreed. He said he would sort it out and hasn't done anything. I managed to contact some but they are on zoom still- I don't want to do zoom. Another could only offer one slot at a really inconvenient time. I am now lost with who to try next. I want someone good. The other issue is childcare as I haven't told anyone about this so it would need to be during the day. Unlikely I think.

I’m sorry to be blunt but you do sound quite stubborn and a bit ‘it’s my way or the highway’. You want to work but don’t want this to impact the kids with childcare so want your DH to change his routine to fit what you want. What’s wrong with you making a decision to work and then acknowledging that your kids will need to get used to strangers picking them up from school a few days a week. This is what most families do unless they have grandparent help. They don’t make big life changes and just assume their spouse will drastically change their work to suit. Your DH may be happy for you to work and for the kids to go to childcare,

Counselling was suggested but instead of going with something online, if you can’t get specifically what you want, is it not worth bothering with? Surely anything that gets you talking is beneficial. It’s almost like you’re making excuses to force things to be tough so your marriage fails.

You can’t expect your DH to pick up the slack but if you’re being able to work and study, surely that’s worth celebrating as a win. You then find support to allow you to make these life changes. You can’t have everything just as you want.

It sounds to me like your DH can’t win really unless he ends his career and becomes less career oriented. Maybe he isn’t comfortable doing this when his marriage is so flaky and his wife may decide to end it at any point. Just as you need independence and security, he need that too. You sound like you’ve given up on the marriage so he might not want to rely on your income to boost the coffers.

You maybe need to consider splitting if you won’t trial any help from whatever counselling you can get but you might have to forget your career altogether then if you’ve got to afford a second home and manage everything yourself. Although you say DH has this thriving business, if you can’t afford a nanny a few days each week, how can you afford another home as a student or part time worker. If you end up in this predicament after you’ve pushed your DH into a job with lower income, you won’t get as much financial support.

Whilst you’re concerned about your children not being picked up from school, would it be better to break their home up altogether and have dad not living with them and possibly struggle for money? Your career may be great but right now, it’s all pie in the sky. I’d reassess what is really important for your children.

If it's hard for him to get help at work, then what help can you get at home? You mention that financially things aren't rolling, but if he's working these hours and you aren't in a position to get help at home then I'd be very frustrated.

I'm lucky to be in a fairly well-paid job, and my family sometimes ask why I still go camping for a holiday and don't have fancy things, but that's because I have 3 small kids, and my priority for luxury spending right now is making our lives easier and fun, and that allow me as a single parent to safeguard my job. For me that means a cleaner, a nanny share so I don't always have to do all the drop offs and pickups, and takeaways / good quality frozen food like Fresto if we have visitors or it's a school holiday. Truly has made time together so much better.

Also don't knock marriage counselling over zoom - sometimes it's better than both rushing in or feeling grumpy about being late or 'wasting' a session where you paid for a babysitter. Ours didn't ultimately help to keep us together the way we'd hoped, but for others it definitely could, and even if it doesn't work out, can make any later separation much better for you and the kids.

Tell him he’s cooking the dinner one night a week at least. I have to prepare dinner whilst in meetings (the mute button is a saviour). I have a very busy job, the kids dad works overseas (we are separated) and do have to do it all. My kids are older now, 13 & 16 but I had to use childcare from 9 months old. If you want to work then using childcare is just how it is.

If it really is the big break he's been working towards for 15 years and you've finally found the career you love then I would continue like this and suck it up for one more year then reassess.

I'm not saying you have to do this if you really don't want to. I'm saying that's what I would do. A busy stressful year seems doable - then see how things stand.

If they have really high turnover but not so much profit where's the benefit for working harder and harder to only gain a small percentage of it.

I think they need to do that work in increasing profit margins on what they are doing first which will then lead to a reduction in pressure as they can employ more staff.

I think that your H sounds like very hard work to live with. I work much longer hours than my DH (50 - 55 a week to his 24) but I am delighted when he sees friends etc. Life is too short to be petty and I certainly don't moan if the kitchen is a mess.

Frankly he sounds selfish. And not terribly capable. If it's taken 15 years of slog to get to a high turnover and little profit, he's also not very good at his job. Any fool can sell something at a price that does not deliver profit. Turnover is vanity, profit is sanity and cash is king

@Philandbill

I think that your H sounds like very hard work to live with. I work much longer hours than my DH (50 - 55 a week to his 24) but I am delighted when he sees friends etc. Life is too short to be petty and I certainly don't moan if the kitchen is a mess.

Yes I do find him hard work and frustrating as he's not very capable. He struggles to get up so doesn't often start work until 9.30/10. He doesn't seem to be able to get press on when not feeling 100% and just get on with things without asking me. It's my fault too though I have enabled him. He is lazy though.

With his business I have tried to talk to him about it as yes, the business is disorganised and his time management is not good. But they are trying to put systems in place now, after many years of this, to manage this better. He does have a lot of stress and he works in a hard area which isn't as black and white as just selling a product at the right price.

I don't want it all my way, I just want a more even balanced of mental load within the house. I know I work part-time, although study takes it up to full so it won't be 50/50, I just don't want all the responsibility on me anymore.

I talk to friends who's husbands work full time and they still go out for drinks after work even though they are knackered and don't want to for their wives, they do the food shopping at the weekend and all the cooking. This is normal but I have taken all this on myself. I want him to do his share more.

He has started cooking dinner 2/3 times a week as I work later and doing two school runs a week now so he is making an effort. He still seems to have the same attitude though. As I haven't done any work over half term as I be looked after the dcs he won't be looking after them at weekends if I need to work as apparently I should have done it this week. He makes it sound like I have been lazing around watching tv all week not looking after the dcs and sorting out the house.

We just don't understand each other. Straight after coming out of 10 days isolating he's pressuring me into sex. We argued as we started cuddling and then he always wants more. I feel he cuddles for sex not for affection so I shire away as I know he will want to push it. I feel we need to reconnect and just have a cuddle or kiss, I don't feel very up for sex at the moment as I feel not valued and I am confused about the marriage. We had a big argument again last night as apparently I am no fun and not adventurous.

I have decided to put them into after school club twice a week after half term. It's my own guilt with this nothing to do with DH. I guess I am frustrated as I can't do it all and have been knackered and stressed trying to with no support.

I am not asking him to give up his job or yet a lower paid one, although I find the stress and how it overtakes our lives too much. I just don't think that makes him exempt from any of the mental load that other DHs do as well as working full time too.

Could you arrange some counselling while they are in the after school or at school? I think an outside opinion, or anything will help. Good luck.

Oh OP he's a selfish, lazy man who doesn't "see" you as a real and separate person to be loved and valued. He's full of himself. Not a morning person?? My god. Can't offer affection without wanting to paw you sexually? Yuk. I'd love to know how much of an income he's taking from this oh so successful business. I bet it's not that much. Bah. The man doesn't sound like he has much going for him.

I agree, it sounds like he just doesn’t value you. When you were a stay at home mum and picking up all the slack in the house he was throwing finances in your face, and now that you’ve gone back to work he’s still expecting you to do everything you can’t win!

What kind of grown man with children thinks it’s okay to lie in bed until 930 or 10 every morning, if he just got up and dressed and took them to school it would have no impact on his work day, and you’d feel so much better. It would also be quality time for them.

Nothing that you do will ever be good enough because he doesn’t know what he actually wants.

I am so confused , I don't know what to do. I don't know if I Am reading too much into this. Contemplating leaving a marriage that's not too bad. I feel lovely as I I have only one friend who I feel actually cares. I think I have learnt other friends are fair weather friends who aren't interested is listening to me as it's not too bad.

I don't know/ I am crying right now. Maybe I am just overthinking it and I am being over the top about it. That's what DH thinks a year. I feel lovely. No one cares. You learn who your friends are.

Lonely, not lovely.

Oh OP you sounds so unhappy.

To be fair to your friends, I think that it's very hard to advise someone else on their marriage (unless it's really really obvious) as you don't want to say the wrong thing - it's much easier to do it anonymously on Mumsnet from behind a screen than in real life. That's why it's better to talk to a professional. Well done for looking into counselling, I think you need to pursue this even if the first appointment won't be for a while as you do sound like prime candidates for counselling. Poor communication and reconciling different expectations and talking through possible compromises should be just the kind of thing that any decent counsellor should be able to help you with.

I hope things improve for you soon OP

Thanks. DH said no when I raised the prospect of counselling. He thinks we can resolve it ourselves but I don't really see how. Yes he's stepped up and is doing more around the house and I should be happy I guess but I am
Not.

I go between thinking we need to see someone to I am making a big deal of nothing. The marriage is ok. We have dcs do I want to split the family up when the marriage isn't bad? Other friends who have or are currently splitting up with their partners have done so over much bigger more clean cut issues such as depression or affairs. Not because they don't get on and argue. Things aren't terrible, we can get on and have a laugh. Maybe it's me that needs counselling alone as it's my issues. I don't know I feel like I ve hit 40, Covid hit and I have lost my way. Things that I thought I was ok with aren't. I am not happy with my marriage, my looks, my body. I am contemplating minor surgery for that too. Maybe I am just messed up and things are actually ok?

I would speak to your GP as you sound depressed, especially with you being unhappy suddenly in other areas too. Covid has messed with a lot of peoples mental health. I would also try counselling yourself too as it sounds like you’ve got a head full of stuff and they’re good to offload to, if nothing else. Friends often don’t know what to say and don’t really want to get involved in marital issues for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Sorry had to stop posting as DH came upstairs.

I feel like he's mean to me but maybe again I am blowing things out of proportion. Are these things mean? Not worth breaking up over but then it's more the way he makes me feel.
1- after 10 days of me being alone as he was away, with house and dcs, work and study his first comment was the kitchen wasn't clean.
2- I feel pressurised for sex quite a lot. Granted we probably only have it 2-3 times a month but does that mean it's ok. I feel like I don't want to just have a hug or kiss as he always wants more and to take it further. He sulks and says I am not fun.
3- I was upset over dd and was crying. He didn't offer any comfort and sat there like he didn't care. He didn't tell me it's not my fault and said he didn't feel guilty about the problems dd has.
4- he caught covid and the rest of us were waiting for PCR tests. He shouted down the phone at me that he might die and it would be my fault if I didn't go and get him some medication. I thought I shouldn't go walking around the supermarket whilst waiting for PCR tests.
5- he makes comments if I go out with a friend for coffee about my easy life and makes me feel bad about it. I feel like I am not allowed any down time without criticism. I feel I have to jump up and do something when he comes into the room or I will be told off.
6- he puts himself first every time. He won't do anything or go anywhere he doesn't want to. We used to have blazing rows about this. He is getting better but it's always begrudgingly.
7- he's not emotionally available. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything. We re not a team. He admits he finds my problems silly snd gets frustrated as they aren't his problems. We end up arguing.
8- he tells me he never wanted all this- eg family and family life etc in arguments. Which is true. Years ago we nearly broke up when I said not having dcs was a dealbreaker for me. I could cope with not getting married. But he decided he didn't want to break up and so we got married and had dcs. He throws this in my face when the going gets tough though.

You sound so unhappy, you only have one short life and you deserve to be happy in it.

This doesn’t sound great but it’s very difficult for others to comment as they don’t live your life. No doubt he would have a different take on things (not saying he is right) but unless you see the full picture, I don’t think other people’s opinions are really worth much. I would just recommend getting some counselling to help you decide what you want from life and if that isn’t going to happen in this relationship, you can make the decision to leave. Ultimately, people sometimes grow apart and become different people wanting different things and there’s nothing wrong with ending things if it doesn’t work. Sometimes people take each other for granted and counselling can help couples rekindle things. Even if he isn’t willing to do couples counselling, it would still be helpful for you to understand your thoughts and especially if you’re considering surgery.

Honestly, this sounds awful. I think that @Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino is right in suggesting counseling, even if just for you alone. You might find a neutral person to talk to helpful.