Please help me work through this

[Jananx76]

Hi.

I really need some help to get my head around this as I am massively struggling to cope.

I sort all of our finances and over the years we have built up debt. A lot of debt. I can't bring myself to type the exact figure but it's inbetween 40 and 50K. Most of the debt was build up years ago and for the last few years I have been making an effort to get on top of it.

Husband knows we are in debt but doesn't know the extent of it. I'll be honest that part of me has been happy to hide it to avoid the stressed out discussions and potential arguments. All of the debt has been acquired through family stuff and there are no hidden gambling habits, or anything like that. We both work full time and have a vgood income so we are up to date with payments etc.

We have had a very expensive 6 months. I won't go into specifics for fear of being identified but we have had a lot on. For this reason I have not been able to overpay in the way that I was previously and I have had to use the credit card. As a result our debt has actually increased a bit.

Things are settled now and I can get back on track, however I feel sick, gulilty and worried that husband might find out. It's weird as he knows we have a lot of debt. I talk about it and he knows it bothers me, we just don't mention the numbers.

I'm sitting here now, alone ( everyone else in bed) worrying and feeling sick, going over the budget again and again. I move the debt around for the best deals across both of our names. I am terrified that he may check his credit report and see how much there is.

I feel like I have been a terrible wife and have deceived my husband, but then another part of me thinks that I shouldn't have to shoulder all of the blame and responsibility.

Part of me wants to sit him down and show him everything but another part of me knows that it will just lead to a different stress. I know that we can pay the debt off and I have a plan to get it down to a much more 'normal' level within 3 years, however I feel awful tonight and as though I am going to breakdown

Please help with advice. :)

@Jananx76

Hi.

I really need some help to get my head around this as I am massively struggling to cope.

I sort all of our finances and over the years we have built up debt. A lot of debt. I can't bring myself to type the exact figure but it's inbetween 40 and 50K. Most of the debt was build up years ago and for the last few years I have been making an effort to get on top of it.

Husband knows we are in debt but doesn't know the extent of it. I'll be honest that part of me has been happy to hide it to avoid the stressed out discussions and potential arguments. All of the debt has been acquired through family stuff and there are no hidden gambling habits, or anything like that. We both work full time and have a vgood income so we are up to date with payments etc.

We have had a very expensive 6 months. I won't go into specifics for fear of being identified but we have had a lot on. For this reason I have not been able to overpay in the way that I was previously and I have had to use the credit card. As a result our debt has actually increased a bit.

Things are settled now and I can get back on track, however I feel sick, gulilty and worried that husband might find out. It's weird as he knows we have a lot of debt. I talk about it and he knows it bothers me, we just don't mention the numbers.

I'm sitting here now, alone ( everyone else in bed) worrying and feeling sick, going over the budget again and again. I move the debt around for the best deals across both of our names. I am terrified that he may check his credit report and see how much there is.

I feel like I have been a terrible wife and have deceived my husband, but then another part of me thinks that I shouldn't have to shoulder all of the blame and responsibility.

Part of me wants to sit him down and show him everything but another part of me knows that it will just lead to a different stress. I know that we can pay the debt off and I have a plan to get it down to a much more 'normal' level within 3 years, however I feel awful tonight and as though I am going to breakdown

Please help with advice. :)

I've been awake all night worrying and feeling sick :(

You need to get some time, sit him down and make him fully aware. Then get a spreadsheet if you are ok with excel and total up current debts, monthly payments and which are the most expensive to service, ie credit cards have high rates of interest. Can you move any to cheaper credit?

The only other option would be cab/debt counselling but having any debt orders isn't really a great idea if you have a good income and can pay.

You need to do the same exercise with spending and cut back to the bone...holiday at home and not abroad for a while to get the debt burden off your backs.

💐 hope you managed to get some sleep. I think everything feels worse at night, particularly when you’re the only person awake. It does feel like there are two concerns here - the debt and the reaction from your DH.

Have you looked at the Money Saving Expert site and forum? I often see them signposted on here so might be worth a look?

I know you’ve said it’d be a different type of stress if you told your DH, but sometimes sharing a problem can make it easier to deal with. It sounds very much like you’ve told him there is a debt but he’s never actually asked to what extent?

If the debt is a fully shared debt you shouldn’t be dealing with it alone as it is a big worry.

Are you able to consolidate everything into a single low interest loan that’s paid by direct debit so that you don’t have to keep switching deals?

Not quite the same but we had approx £5k debt between us and when we came to make a big purchase we used a loan option and tagged on the extra to pay off the debt. That loan was paid off last summer and we’re now fully debt free with savings and good credit scores as we’ve removed the majority of our credit cards and just have one each unlike before where we were switching deals regularly.

No, you shouldn't have to shoulder all the blame and responsibility. You shouldn't be the one up all night when you both contributed to it. And being up all night just makes it feel much worse. You do need to tell your husband, though. He needs to share the burden.

I can't really help with useful advice, but I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. In the meantime, have a hug and a .

X-posts. The advice came in very fast!

Why would you shoulder this alone if it's joint debt? Unless he's an absolute eejot he knows that you live beyond your means anyway.

You need to face it head on, spreadsheet the hell out of it all, make a plan to get it paid off and get on with it.

You both need to take responsibility for being more frugal.

You need to talk to your DH.

It's not your debt, it's debt accumulated by you both through your lifestyle choices.

You are in good salaries, so this is a problem. You've clearly made choices that are beyond even your joint high incomes.

Once you've disclosed the debt, you jointly need to find a solution. This will involve your banks / financial institutions and / or a charity eg Stepchange to get a manageable solution in place.

This can probably be achieved in 2 - 3 years without massive difficulty, or in less time with more stringent lifestyle changes. (It depends on how high your income is)

One person looking after finances to the complete exclusion of the other is unwise - by both of you. You should have to feel responsible; he shouldn't ignore his responsibility.

When the initial issue is sorted, this dynamic needs to be addressed to make sure it doesn't happen again.

It's fine for one person to take the lead, but both people need to have tasks & responsibilities.

You will feel better to face up to this. Also, having a good income is important - it means you can deal with it. However, if anything were to happen, and either of you lost your jobs, you could be in a really difficult position trying to manage this debt.

Tell him now you need to talk about money tonight. First steps. 💐

You should have to feel responsible

Shouldn't

Agree that you need to talk to him and get him on board. It sounds like you've done great work in getting the debt onto good deals, so the money you pay goes on repayment, not interest, which is one of the most important factors.

The others are accounting for annual and irregular expenses in your budget and controlling non essential expenditure.

You say that you've had an expensive 6 months, what sort of things needed paying for? There are always some 'unexpected' costs that you should expect to come up and account for in your budget. Car repairs, servicing, MOT, insurances, vets bills if you have pets, Christmas and other gifts etc, although spends on these should be minimised while you're in debt, you can still have a Christmas dinner and buy gifts for DC, broken appliances, that sort of thing. You need to account for these in your budget and expect to spend money on them, don't consider it a failure to do so, that's life.

On the matter of non essential expenditure, this obviously needs to be controlled, but you are allowed to have a life. Focus on repaying debt, but do put money in your budget for spending money, days out etc. But check the cost. If you go to an attraction, look for discount codes, take a picnic rather than spending £££s on what is often overpriced poor quality food. Limit the amount of food and drink you buy outside the home, takeaways etc, this is far more expensive than food at home and can be an easy way to spend a lot of money on not very much. Set a budget for everyone to stick to, what isn't fair is for most of the family to be running round, doing what they want, spending what they like on coffees, lunches etc while you worry about money and eat home made food. I've been in that position and it's horrible, that's why everyone needs to do their bit. The whole family benefitted from your previous high spending lifestyle, so it's a team effort to get out of it.

The bit that sticks out to me is that you have very good salaries. You both need to think about your lifestyle because it sounds like you're living beyond your means. Sometimes we can get into patterns of thought that mean we don't even recognise that we're making active choices, so it seems that everything is 'happening to us' and it's inevitable. For example, many people think 'oh the car isn't doing so well, I need a new car'. They then automatically look for cars at £15k+ without considering their finances and the fact that you can get perfectly acceptable cars that are much cheaper.

Do you keep a budget?

Visit Money Saving Expert and join the Debt Free Wannabe forum . There is some great advice on there from people who are or have been in a similar situation. If you wish you can post a statement of affairs and they will offer suggestions how best to clear the debt . I am gradually clearing debt myself and have spent nights worrying so I can empathise. Good luck x

Do you have a mortgage? I’d be tempted to release some equity if you do to reduce the short term debt significantly. This will give you time to breathe and you can overpay the mortgage once the rest of the short term debt is paid off.

Can you list your outgoings and incomings? People on here are good at looking at ways of making cut backs.

Talk to a debt management advisor, someone mentioned upthread some of them. Make an actual plan and then bring the plan to your DH, not just the debt and tears. Then you can get his buy in on the long term plan to remove this debt.

As others have said, you shouldn't be shouldering this alone. He can help work through it. And unless he knows the true picture, he may not realise that he needs to cut out random Starbucks or new T-shirt's or whatever. While it's important to look at the bigger debts, the small day to day expenses make a dent too.

You need to be honest with yourself and see where that amount of debt has come from ? Extravagant living - designer clothes ? New cars ? Who is the big spender - you , him or both ?
I can see if it's mainly you why you are keeping it to yourself, but if you are both guilty then you need to take you head out of the sand and tell him he needs to help , take responsibility etc .
Saying this to you in the nicest way , you are not sorting out the finances as you say you do. They have built up enough to stop you sleeping , they are out of hand.

Export a month of bank transactions to excel. Delete all the household bills (for now) leaving everything else. Highlight all the food, entertainment, hobbies, restaurants, clothes, whatever it is in different colours so you can clearly see the chunks of spending. Add up the totals. This will give you a good idea where money is being wasted. This is assuming your household bills are not ridiculous compared to your wages. If you think they are the problem then tackle them first.

A word of caution with consolidation. If you haven’t addressed the reason for the debt and overspending you are likely to start building it again and end up with even more.
I’d also think very carefully about releasing equity and turning non secured debt into secured debt. Again there’s nothing stopping you building up debt again and having a bigger mortgage to boot.
Definitely talk to your husband and really drill into why the debt has built up. If you haven’t got a handle on the problem, you can’t get a workable solution.
Nothing is worth robbing your sleep and happiness for, you can get on top of this and put it behind you.

Contact Stepchange. They helped massively when I was in your situation. There is some light I promise.

What is your income / what is your expenditure?

Have you gone through your expenditure with a very fine tooth comb? Got your outgoings down to the bare minimum?

What do you pay off your debts monthly?

Sorry if too personal questions and ignore if you wish.

@danni0509

What is your income / what is your expenditure?

Have you gone through your expenditure with a very fine tooth comb? Got your outgoings down to the bare minimum?

What do you pay off your debts monthly?

Sorry if too personal questions and ignore if you wish.

Yes, we have a detailed spreadsheet. Our joint income is around £5067 and after we have paid out every single thing, including debt repayments we are left with about £1960 that we can use for debt overpayment, savings etc

Definitely share your worries with your husband, these should be joint worries and addressed jointly.
Things aren't as bad as they seem OP, you are very lucky with your income that you can make a real difference to your debt levels in a relatively short space of time and i bet you could easily reduce some of your outgoings too.
Second what earlier poster said about remortgaging to consolidate debt, this will only help long term if you address your spending habits and may well end up costing you more in the long run if you are spreading the debt across say 20 years, even if you "plan" to overpay and get it down quickly not that many people actually do.
Best of luck, you CAN do it.

including debt repayments we are left with about £1960 that we can use for debt overpayment, savings etc

There shouldn't be any 'savings etc'.
The whole lot needs to go on debt overpayment really. And almost £2k a month spare is a HUGE amount. With that much left over you really do need to address why your spending spiralled out of control.

Have you looked at the obvious big purchases? I watched a debt programme not long ago about a woman who was trying to reduce her debt and the one obvious thing to me was the car. She was paying £350 a month on it. It wasn’t mentioned at all by the adviser so perhaps she was stuck in a deal that she couldn’t get out of but she seemed to think she needed this car - a reliable car. I was left thinking that my £7k 4 year old fiesta was costing me £135 a month on a bank loan.
Is there anything like a car that you can sell and get a more basic but still reliable one?

Tell him