Splitting costs with partner-how do you do it?

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Hi, I’m looking for advice as to how other couples split their expenses, particularly when you have children but your incomes are quite different.

As background, we’ve been together for 10 years (not married), we have two children and own our house, equally paying towards the mortgage.

I’ve had to take time off work for maternity leave and I’ve worked part time for 5 years to cover childcare but I’ve worked hard and moved jobs strategically so my salary has continued to increase and I now earn twice as much as my partner.

I’m generally better with money and so over the last 6 years of having children I’ve paid more of the childcare bill (approx 1/3 extra), I paid the £400/month extra mortgage interest bill and bills for our rented house when we were moving, I paid for all the work on our old house(inc new kitchen), and I’m
paying for all the work on our new house. I buy all the furniture we need and occasionally will pay some of the bills on my own. I also bought both cars we both use and I usually pay for holidays. Because my salary has increased we now don’t qualify for child benefit so I now pay for the children’s clothes and hobby fees (swimming etc).

After paying for his half of the mortgage and bills he doesn’t have a lot left to save.

I do this without any complaint but on the rare occasion (usually about once a year) this comes up (usually after he makes some ungrateful comment) I’m told I’m making him feel bad, too focussed on money and putting pressure on him. I really never mention it and if there’s a bill we don’t discuss who pays, I just pay it. I don’t want thanks but I do get comments from him that it’s basically my duty to pay so much more because my salary’s higher.

He’s mentioned looking for a better job for the last 6 years but hasn’t made any effort. He shows some willing (but no effort) when we talk calmly about it but if it gets heated he tells me I’m pressuring him and he’s not as focussed on money as I am.

We’ve got some worries about the local schools and have discussed private schools, something he’s looking to as a back up too. It’s ideally not what we want and it’s not comfortably within our budget to pay for both of them to go to private school, but we are worried so I’m trying to skrimp and save fully aware I would be paying the full enormous bill for both children.

I’m also aware his pension isn’t great so I’ll have to use mine to subsidise him when the time comes.

Am I being a mug or is this how it should be?

I earn £25k a year and my partner £40k. My income will be even less after maternity. We get paid into one account, all the bills come out and then we share the remaining money equally after putting an amount in a joint savings account.

When we first were together I had more money than him, and I helped him out. I put more savings into our house purchase but now he earns a lot more than me. I think the way to look at it is, if things were the other way around would he treat you the same?

We are life partners and married.

We see all mo eye as ‘ours’ rather than his or hers. Therefore salaries go into an account and the bills come out of it.
We spend small amounts as we see fit and without any consultation. If one of us wants something costing over a couple of hundred quid, we would talk about it first....not to ask permission but to flag and check if there’s any big expenditures that month. If planning holidays we discuss or a big household renovation etc.

For us it is straightforward. We trust each other and are a team, rather than guarding our own cash or looking to keep more for ourselves. We don’t earn equal amounts but it doesn’t matter. What’s in the joint pit is what we have and we both have equal access to the money for leisure and other stuff. It helps that neither is a spendthrift nor prone to running up debt etc or trying to somehow grab big shares of the cash. It also helps that we have sufficient income for day to day expenses and some savings out by.

When we make plans for the future, such as one of us changing jobs or considering moving house etc, we consider money from a family point of view rather than individual. We know what we need and we work together to make it happen. If we needed more, one or both of us would look to being more money in. Quite who that would be would depend on earning capacity and other things like childcare requirements. We would work together. Being a team is really important.

Joint account, all costs go from there.
Debated an equal allowance each but in the end realised we don't care what the other person buys as long as we discuss big purchases first to avoid overspending.

If you have kids you share a lifestyle. We each do things and make sacrifices you can't put a price on. One couldn't do what they do without the support of the other.

Men in general have the advantages of no maternity leave and tend to be in higher paying industries. Money earned doesn't reflect the value of a person.

I encourage my OH to spend a chunk of their annual bonus on things they want as I feel they've earned it by putting in extra at work but we usually spend it on a holiday or house stuff.

If I get birthday or Christmas money from parents I spend it on myself. I also spend joint money on myself. My OH has hobbies which can cost a fair bit but I don't mind as they give a lot to the relationship and family and I want them to be happy.

If you earn twice as much you should pay twice as much. Anything less is unfair (and has been called financial abuse when it’s a man not paying more)

We basically worked out our monthly outgoings (mortgage, daycare, bills, food, outings) and then looked at what we can both afford to put in in relation to earnings. I earn about half of what DP does but we split bills approx 30% me and 70% him. We've done it this way so I can put a bit more into savings to account for me not being able to save when on mat leave (which I have just started for the 2nd time). Now on mat leave, I will decrease the amount I put in to the joint account. DP also puts an amount into my private pension when I am on mat leave to make up for me losing out from my employer.

We're married, everything is shared. One big pot, spend from that!

I don't think who is paying for what is the real issue here, it's your partner's attitude.

He’s mentioned looking for a better job for the last 6 years but hasn’t made any effort. He shows some willing (but no effort) when we talk calmly about it but if it gets heated he tells me I’m pressuring him and he’s not as focussed on money as I am.

It's really easy to not be focused on money when someone else is bankrolling everything, isn't it? Does he do half of all housework, childcare, cooking, etc? He seems to be treading very closely to cocklodger territory.

I married my husband knowing that he would always (bar illness or injury) earn less than me. He works just as hard - but I’m in a better paying industry with better qualifications.

Rough estimate - I take home £4500 to his £1500. He has zero mortgage / household bills - I cover everything there except food. Food isn’t formally 50/50, we just manage it as whoever shops, pays - so I reckon that’s 50/50. I pay for most of our holidays.

There are no joint children, and he certainly isn’t left feeling the pauper month to month. That’s because a lot of my disposable income is going into a pension which will benefit us both, leaving me with similar spends to him.

We’re both open about money and went into marriage happy with this set up.

He benefits from my income, but I never resent him bringing in less because:

• I love him
• he works hard, it’s just a lower paid industry
• we have very similar attitudes to saving and spending so no conflict about “wasting” money
• he’s “good with money” - if he saves less than me, it’s simply because he has less, not because he’s rubbish with money (see previous point about attitude!)
• although he doesn’t thank me (ugh!) I have never felt that he doesn’t appreciate it
• he’s at least an equal partner in all other things, e.g. housework we both do, cooking he doesn’t more than me
• he never just sits back and expects me to pay for things, always offers to contribute

It all comes down to that attitude to me. There’s no “fault” in him earning less, and no feeling of entitlement in him to my money.

It is however very much my money not ours. It’s a second marriage for us both, so we each have our own children at various life stages to support (I financially support his uni stepson - we’re still a unit, just not a one-pot one).

I can’t really tell what’s fair from your OP. There does seem to be an undercurrent of him taking the piss... but I can’t tell if you are pressurising him. I could pressure my husband all I liked - can’t make the industry he’s qualified and experienced for, and loves, pay any more!

I do think you’re in cloud cuckoo land about the private school x2 unless you’re on a lot more than “no CB” start point. Solve your school issues by moving catchment area.

@BillMasen

If you earn twice as much you should pay twice as much. Anything less is unfair (and has been called financial abuse when it’s a man not paying more)

It sounds like when she earned less, he wanted her to,pay half.

I think his feet are firmly planted in cocklodger territory. Honestly, private education would be a financial disaster, OP. It would be a lot cheaper to move to an area where schools are better.

When you earned less than him, he wanted you to pay half. Now he's earning less he wants you to pay a hell of a lot more.

He can hardly afford the mortgage and his share of the bills and is looking at private education. No way!

I can’t see where she says she paid half when earning less

She can come back and clarify.

When I mentioned that paid extra childcare, mortgage, house refurb, cars, holidays etc I was earning slightly more but not double (£30k vs £44k)

We bucket our finances, have an agreed plan, and every second Thursday have a date night at our favourite wine bar to run through the numbers. Ladies, you have to actively manage your money!

We both salary sacrifice 5% of our salary into our super (pension). Of what comes into our main bank account, 20% is to the mortgage (overpay) and bills, 30% is savings into our offset account, 20% into shares, 20% into holidays/treats savings, 10% fun money. Some fortnight's change, but we try to keep to this ratio.

We only speak to "our" money, and being so transparent means we've never had an issue. We both are classed as high income earners, which does help with saving/investing 1/2 our pay each fortnight.

I will call our I am Australian, and I think we have more protections here than in the UK? If anything ever went wrong, de facto partners after 3 years are considered the same as being married; so if your partner leaves after 10/20 years, everything is split from house/money/pension the same as if married.

While pre-nups are worthless in Australia, my partner and I went joining finances actually created one, which we review every year. If the worst every happened we at least have a starting point for mediation (especially for any future children that may be involved). Some of my friends are horrified, but I'm a fairly logical person so makes sense to me to plan for every outcome.

Two incomes, two joint accounts, two cards for each. One is for bills, the other is for spends. We both have full access to all money but we both have the same outlook on finances, neither of us take the pee. We can spend what we like but out of respect (it's an unwritten habit) we always mention spends of anything more than about £200 or anything that's just a frivolous spend.

When I was on mat leave and worked part time this was the way it worked and it's still the same now we earn roughly the same. It's just easier to have household money.
We both have a pension, one is defined benefit and one is defined contributions so they won't be equal when it comes to drawing on them, but we don't really know how to fix that other than what we are doing now which is paying extra into DH pension as a best effort.
For effort round the house, it's very evenly split.

@Gwenhines But you are married. The OP isn't married to this guy and it's really not in her interests to have joint accounts with someone who's entitled, selfish, inconsiderate and who is crap with money!

@YellowMonday I love a plan, I love openness. I check my pension daily, despite it being a long term investment vehicle 🤣

But by “every second Thursday” do you mean alternate Thursdays or every second Thursday of the new month (so once a month). Because I’d be so bored talking about it every other week! Even once a month would be overkill. We know where we are, we know where we want to go, we’d have nothing to review that frequently 😳

But in principal I’m with you 👍🏻

Married but with very different attitudes to money so we get paid into our own separate accounts and then put the exact same into the joint for any house or family expenses. If I earn more I just have more of my own money for my own spending, if he earns more he just has more to squirrel away and save (I’m a spender he’s a saver). We both have the ability to earn as much as we want, we both have equal responsibility towards the children and childcare. If either of us want to be the parent who does all the school runs that is fine, but the other shouldn’t pick up the financial slack, likewise if one wanted to chase the promotions, they shouldn’t be penalised by having to pay out more because the other doesn’t crave that. We know how much 50% of household costs are and we agree that we must, as a minimum, earn that (which btw are very low). We are a partnership but still separate people

@ByThePool2021 I love your post - you sound like a happy team ❤️

We prob do things differently than others but it works for us.

All bills and savings come from my account.

This is because I was a single parent before I met my DH and everything was already set up.

He Xfers me a set amount to cover half of the bills etc.

We both buy shopping as and when. He covers the big shop.

He earns just over double what I earn and if we need a big purchase we pick what we are getting and he usually buys it.

We are fortunate enough to be able to work it that way.

We usually let each other know what we have in the bank every week.

@Cocomarine whoops, missed the word monthly, every second Thursday monthly .

We both work in finance, so actually enjoy talking about our investment portfolio (stocks and investment properties), which takes up most of the conversation. We also use that time to talk about big purchases like a new car, new washing machine, etc, and holiday planning.

Neither of us wants to work until we're 65 (retirement age in Australia), so putting in the work now to make sure we're able to retire hopefully at 57/58.

We are planning for children, so when we first started these dates we talked about this at length; making sure we are on the same page about who will take time of work, and while they are off work, the partner working will top up the others' super (pension). Costs for children will come from our shared accounts, so none of this "I pay for the costs of my child because I'm a woman". Not judging other people, but I'm personally not ok with the woman who carried the child having to carry the majority of costs.

I'm not married either, but all of our income is shared. I work part time and DP earns about 6 times my salary, i was a sahp for 2 years so was earning nothing in that time. His wages cover all of our outgoings and have always gone straight into the joint account. We then take the same equal amount out of the joint account and into our own personal accounts for our personal spending. I save a fair bit of mine, I think dh spends every penny on bike parts, tools and light bulbs!

My wages go straight into the savings account and we dip into that for any family spending requirements like holidays, car repairs, home improvements etc.

We've had a joint account since we bought our first house together but transferred the house costs from our personal accounts into the joint account. We always did this proportionally as he earned more than me. As soon as children were discussed, we changed it to paying straight into joint account so that we had equal access to it. It maybe helps that we were skint students together so regardless of who has earned what over the years we've built all we have together.

I can't get my head around couples who have a house and children and then split the bills in all sorts of weird ways. You're a family, you should want everything to be equal between you. I couldn't stand by and watch my partner earn less than me whilst I had loads of spare cash and he was struggling to save anything. We put everything into one bank account and it's ours, not mine and yours. We did it exactly the same way before we were married too.

I pay mortgage and bills. OH pays for food & childcare. We're both as skint as each other!

I’ve always earned far more than DH (5x more) because he’s in a civil service type job which while good for society it generally low paid. He works just as hard as I do, and isn’t focussed on money at all, but rather the impact he has on saving children. I don’t consider that to be a “cocklodger” because he doesn’t care about money and isn’t interested in working for more money for a profit oriented business. To me, that’s just sexism along with being brainwashed by patriarchy to think the man in a relationship should be the primary or only earner. I don’t require him to be “grateful” or anything. In fact when we go to a nice restaurant or on holiday, he’s got the card and he settles the bill every time because social stigma still sneers at men if the woman is making a show of paying. I don’t care if I’m thought of as a trophy wife instead of brainy rocket scientist bankrolling most everything.

All our income goes into a joint account from which we pay bills and do automatic savings debits. We have separate pensions, but the other is sole beneficiary in case one of us dies. We used to have an equal allowance but then realised it works better if we just check with each other before buying things because we usually buy a few larger things each year rather than a constant trickle of little things.