Splitting costs with partner-how do you do it?

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Hi, I’m looking for advice as to how other couples split their expenses, particularly when you have children but your incomes are quite different.

As background, we’ve been together for 10 years (not married), we have two children and own our house, equally paying towards the mortgage.

I’ve had to take time off work for maternity leave and I’ve worked part time for 5 years to cover childcare but I’ve worked hard and moved jobs strategically so my salary has continued to increase and I now earn twice as much as my partner.

I’m generally better with money and so over the last 6 years of having children I’ve paid more of the childcare bill (approx 1/3 extra), I paid the £400/month extra mortgage interest bill and bills for our rented house when we were moving, I paid for all the work on our old house(inc new kitchen), and I’m
paying for all the work on our new house. I buy all the furniture we need and occasionally will pay some of the bills on my own. I also bought both cars we both use and I usually pay for holidays. Because my salary has increased we now don’t qualify for child benefit so I now pay for the children’s clothes and hobby fees (swimming etc).

After paying for his half of the mortgage and bills he doesn’t have a lot left to save.

I do this without any complaint but on the rare occasion (usually about once a year) this comes up (usually after he makes some ungrateful comment) I’m told I’m making him feel bad, too focussed on money and putting pressure on him. I really never mention it and if there’s a bill we don’t discuss who pays, I just pay it. I don’t want thanks but I do get comments from him that it’s basically my duty to pay so much more because my salary’s higher.

He’s mentioned looking for a better job for the last 6 years but hasn’t made any effort. He shows some willing (but no effort) when we talk calmly about it but if it gets heated he tells me I’m pressuring him and he’s not as focussed on money as I am.

We’ve got some worries about the local schools and have discussed private schools, something he’s looking to as a back up too. It’s ideally not what we want and it’s not comfortably within our budget to pay for both of them to go to private school, but we are worried so I’m trying to skrimp and save fully aware I would be paying the full enormous bill for both children.

I’m also aware his pension isn’t great so I’ll have to use mine to subsidise him when the time comes.

Am I being a mug or is this how it should be?

We have a joint account from which all household bills and payments are made, the amount we put in slightly varies as she earns more than me but it is proportionate and we both have money leftover afterwards.

We could do fully shared but she had a bad experience in a previous relationship where she felt out of control and didn't want to be in that situation which I completely respect.

We both know how much savings the other has and when it comes to big ticket items we do it in agreement.

I think you need to write a list of outgoings and you need your savings account kept separate as you aren’t married. If you pay for all household stuff he’s still entitled to half should you split - this needs addressing.

You aren’t financially tied by marriage and likely to be worse off in a divorce - you need to be aware of this.

Is there a reason you aren’t married?

My DH earns more, we spend wisely and his extra goes into savings - I earn a lot less and pay for children’s day to day stuff, but that’s ok, I don’t need anything particularly!

@MrsTerryPratchett

She can come back and clarify.

She did. Paid more whilst earning more.

So my point stands. The partner earning twice as much pays twice as much.

But £44k isn’t twice as much as £30k, I only earn twice as much now. Also I’m not paying double but 3-4 times more and we’re not married. Does it stand that bf and gf must split all earnings 50/50 or that’s considered “financial abuse”?

If you’re paying more than your share that’s not fair, your op didn’t say that though.

All I’m saying is that partners should pay in proportion, and men have been accused of abuse if they don’t.

Why do people need to pay in proportion? When you're a team and working for the same goals and funding your family, why does it matter who earned the money....is there really a need to keep tabs? Isn't it a case of its family money and it goes into the pot and there's an agreement about how it works...probably day to day expenses and bills just come from the pot and if someone wants to make a bigger purchase, they chat about it together.

Loads of people earn different amounts and often one person earns nothing. I couldn't bear to be totting it up and divvying it out in 'equal' shares....does the person who spends more time on housework or on childcare get to pay a bit less because they have 'earned' a relieve from some of their share or is it the case everyone must earn their share regardless of other stuff going on?

Its only how it should be if that's how you want it to be. There is no obligation to fund someone else's lifestyle. You're not married and even if you were, I know married couples who split everything 50/50. In my opinion, when one party in a relationship has gestated, birthed and gone part-time in their jobs to do childcare, the other party should step up and help close the financial gap. You haven't had that, you've been expected to do it all. Breadwinner and primary carer, yeah Id be resentful too... real easy to be 'not focused on money' when you're living off what someone else earns.

@WombatChocolate, I agree with you!

The only time I could maybe understand splitting by percentage is if one partner has significant debt they need to pay down, have gambling issues, or have children from a different person.

Although as mentioned, in AUS at the end of the day if you meet de facto requirements after 3 years it doesn't matter if you're not married in how finances are split in the instance of a break up.

This is really interesting, me and my DP live together but not married yet and no kids. He earns maybe 6 x what I do, but I don’t actually know what his exact salary is. He owns the house and pays all the expenses. I moved in after he purchased it and I pay him a very low monthly rent, and I buy all the household food and most of the pet things like pet insurance. For things like holidays we’ll split the cost, but if I put on CC and tell him how much to transfer (50:50) he usually will give more, so it’s like 70:30 split for holidays. If we were to marry and buy house together we would probably do some sort of joint account - it does sound like a good idea and if our finances were intertwined in that way I would also want more visibility. Right now this more separate way works for us. He gets more money than he would if I wasn’t living with him, and I my living costs are similar to before I moved in - they just go towards paying off his mortgage rather than to my landlord.

@HollowTalk we did all that for years before getting married, from the second we found out I was pregnant. OP has two children with her DP.

It's so difficult knowing how to answer properly, without knowing all the nuances.

We don't know much about OP's partner's career - how much earning potential he has & how easy it is to get promotions. Or if he's career-driven. Maybe he's promoted to the best of his ability/mental health. Perhaps he's made career compromises in terms of family life.

It does seem that him & OP have different financial priorities & goals.

But it's not simple sometimes. And labelling someone a "cock-lodger" is simply unfair given the lack of information.

For the record, I'm the lower earning woman who went part-time after having children & have found it very difficult to get my career going after that. During our separation, my ex-partner talked about how he "subsided" me (him being the higher earner). It was beyond offensive & reflects his lack of respect for me. That's why he is an ex.