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Original poster

How would you balance this salary difference?

98 replies

Elbels · 23/12/2020 21:22

Interested in views because I wouldn't have thought twice before reading threads on Mumsnet, but...

Two people in a relationship. Not married but own a mortgaged house together.

Due to covid impact on one and the other getting a promotion, what had been pretty equal salaries will now have a pre-tax £20,000 difference per year.

Currently both pay the same amount into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills and food. Both generous in treating each other and split things like holidays equally.

Both have their own savings accounts and ISAs.

No children but will start trying in the next year.

Would you
A. Carry on paying equally into the joint account meaning that higher earner has more spare money now to add into their savings or to spend

B. Lower earner pays the same as currently into joint account, higher earner now pays more so together they have more money to spend (but how much more?)

C. Lower earner reduces the amount they pay into the joint account, higher earner covers the difference.

No interest in going fully all shared finances at this stage.

OP posts:

knackersknockersknickers · 26/12/2020 06:56

It's not simple, so go for whatever works for you.

We have a joint account. He earns more, I work longer hours. But I bought the house and it's in both of our names.

But we have similar values on spending and it worked well when I was on maternity leave.

My experience is life is long and people's personal situations wax and wane, I'd feel weird being in a situation with my life partner where one of us had more spending money than the other.

Crumbleweed · 26/12/2020 07:06

If I were the lower earner I would still want to pay 50% of the mortgage . That way if you were to break up there is no argument over equity etc.

We have had periods where DP earned considerably more than me. This was when we were renting though. We contributed a proportionate amount based on our take home (not pre tax) pay.

YukoandHiro · 26/12/2020 07:13

Are you tenants in common or joint owners? In TIC then pay half in half to protect your share. If joint owners then pro rata based on salary

YukoandHiro · 26/12/2020 07:14

That's for the mortgage only by the way. For bills, definitely pro rata

northender · 26/12/2020 08:06

Shelby I've been married 24 years and that's exactly how we manage our money. All income into a joint pot from which all spending comes out. We are a unit, both work hard in our chosen careers, but my job was much more suited to part time when we had the dc, that wasn't a reason for me to take a financial hit, but for our family unit to tighten our belt. I appreciate that there are reasons why this doesn't work for everyone & so some sort of pro rata arrangement seems the best solution to me.

FrancesHaHa · 26/12/2020 08:23

We put money into our joint account proportionate to our salary so that we have the same amount of money left over in our separate accounts. Joint account pays the bills etc.

We have adjusted this over the years as circumstances change eg maternity pay, part time work to look after DD, job changes etc. Both our salaries have gone up and down over the years. This feels fair to us, and also takes into account some of impact of having DD.

FWIW we're not married but see ourselves as a partnership

olynessa · 26/12/2020 08:24

@CarlottaValdez

I earn 3x DH and I have more spending money. That's life. I studied for a long time and worked hard for my career in a challenging professional industry. He didn't

Ok but so in practice do you do/ buy everything to fit your DH’s income. I earn 10x my DH’ salary and it would be really weird (and quite self defeating) if we lived in in the sort of house he could afford 50% of and never went on holiday and scrimped on the groceries and so on. I did and do work hard in my studies/ job and part of the reward is living in a nicer area in a bigger house and so on.

Genuinely don’t understand how your way works in practice.

That is exactly why my husband was like no way. If he were to do 50/50 with me first being a student and then my salary for our lodging in central London we would still be renting and definitely not in central London close to his work. He bought a flat while I was still a student and although married we did a pre and postnup and I have no right on it which is fair as I didn't contribute. We are now looking to buy a family home and I will end up having maybe 14% of it max but at least it is better than what I have on the current flat (0%) as I will be contributing on the mortgage.

Let's not even talk about holidays etc, pre coronavirus we used to go abroad at least 3x-5x a year. For him, going alone was not fun (his words) so he was more than happy to pay for most of those.

For groceries, he only shops at Waitrose and organic farms (and won't budge) while my budget is Tesco so again, what do you do?

My personal expenses (education, driving etc) I have always covered on my own and I am reimbursing my loans alone. We have mechanisms in place (from contracts to trusts) to protect him & his assets as much as possible and as a doctor I know I won't be poor so I really don't feel like a leech or anything. Truth of the matter is that he wants a lifestyle (in term of house, groceries, holidays) that I just can't afford even on a 50/50 salary.

Now we are TTC, the nurseries & schools he wants (and which I love too!) represent literally my entire yearly salary post taxes & loans so again...what do I do?!

I think this decision really depends on what is most important for the highest earner. My husband wants a certain standard of living for him and our family so he is happy to shoulder more of the expenses.

orishan · 26/12/2020 08:27

Personally I think gender and future plans does make a difference. If the female is the lower earner and plans to have a child then it would be sensible to go with C and be pro-rata as you will take a financial hit (salary, pensions etc) during the child-raising years so it gives you more buffer to save up in the meantime and minimise debts. If kids aren't in the plan then whichever option suits your situation best (eg do you have debts to cover, are you left with enough at the end of the month etc)

CarlottaValdez · 26/12/2020 08:30

Exactly Olynessa, it would be so weird. Also I love my husband and he works hard too just in a different way and I have no desire for us to run some two tier lifestyle while living together.

As someone upthread said I suppose it relies a bit on both of us being reasonably compatible about spending. Neither of us are big spenders on stuff for “us” as opposed to household things like food, mortgage and so on. We have a joint credit card and I just pay it off each month. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone and then assigning them a spending limit.

rosy71 · 26/12/2020 08:52

Take your joint income, work out how much is needed to cover bills etc then half what is left. Leave that amount in your own account and pay the rest into the joint account.

E.g. If your joint income is £4500 & all bills, food etc total £3000 per month, £1500 is left. You each keep £750 & pay the rest into the joint account.

TableFlowerss · 26/12/2020 13:32

@CarlottaValdez

I earn 3x DH and I have more spending money. That's life. I studied for a long time and worked hard for my career in a challenging professional industry. He didn't

Genuinely don’t understand how your way works in practice.

That’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s like cutting off her nose to spite both their face..... so he can’t enjoy the fruit of her labour... ironically neither can she though

I don’t understand eh they bothered getting married tbh. If they fit divorced, all get savings would be split between the two of them anyway.

TableFlowerss · 26/12/2020 13:33

Good old typos- hope you can make sense haha

Mumtofourandnomore · 26/12/2020 21:43

There’s no one-size fits all approach. Dh and I used to earn the same (although I worked part time) but I made an active decision to seek promotion etc - we have four children and I wanted to be able to fund extra curricular activities for them, pay school fees (for one) and take them on nice holidays etc. None of these things were important to my dh, fair enough.

We share the mortgage and bills, but as I have earned more, I haven’t shared my pay rises with him - technically I earn about 2k a month more than him after tax, but after the costs above, we probably have a similar disposable income.

I sometimes wish my dh was a bit more motivated to share the costs of bringing up children but I accept that we value different things. We have been happily married for sixteen years but we are both financially independent and it suits us fine. Each to their own !

Respectabitch · 26/12/2020 22:14

We are fully blended. Everything goes into joint pot and all bills and family expenses paid out of it. We transfer an equal amount out to our personal accounts for personal spend and what we do with that is our business. To me it's fundamental that all members of a family should have access to the same standard of living. We do have mostly compatible approaches to money, DH is a bit more of a spender, but we discuss and agree all nonroutine spend from the joint. He spends all his personal allowance whereas I save some, but that's up to him. We are married though so the house is fully shared. We pay roughly equal percentages into pension, which means he as the higher earner has more £ in pension, but either that will one day be household spend too or the split would be evened up in divorce.

If you aren't going to fully blend finances I think a % proportional to income or amounts leaving you with the same discretionary spend is the way to go. I really don't think you can be a family and have DC while having one partner able to fly to Bali in cashmere while the other one is on polyester-in-a-caravan money. If you are dedicated to keeping finances separate, what happens if you have a DC with SN or serious health problems who can't go to childcare, or one of you becomes disabled, or just suffers a period of prolonged unemployment? I would not willingly ever become zero-income, but life is long and shit happens. If it does, we have a shared commitment to having equality of condition, and of working together and contributing according to our ability and opportunity.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/12/2020 14:34

50/50 on all bills regardless of salary if not married. I’d only expect either side to pay more if the mortgage if the deeds reflected that stake.

The lower earner could get a second job etc if they wanted more money or work hard for a promotion/job move etc. I’d not subsidise a BF/GF because I worked more/harder so earned more.

lionobserving · 27/12/2020 19:29

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

50/50 on all bills regardless of salary if not married. I’d only expect either side to pay more if the mortgage if the deeds reflected that stake.

The lower earner could get a second job etc if they wanted more money or work hard for a promotion/job move etc. I’d not subsidise a BF/GF because I worked more/harder so earned more.

But you'd subside a spouse?

lionobserving · 27/12/2020 19:30

Subsidise **

Spanielmadness · 27/12/2020 19:41

Engaged.
I work very part time. No kids.

DP pays the mortgage, household bills, majority of days out, holidays, fills the car regularly, some food shops etc.

I cover my personal expenses, dog expenses and contribute to holidays, food and treats/meals out.

It works very well for us. Others would hate this.
You have to look at works for you as a couple and as an individual, regardless of what others would do.

squiddybear · 27/12/2020 19:49

So this is how it works in my house. DP earns about £5000 more than me PA. He pays for all bills, rent, direct debits etc. Anything we buy in the month goes in the credit card and then my salary pays off the credit card.

squiddybear · 27/12/2020 19:53

Oh and we have a baby out of wedlock

CelestrialWarrior · 27/12/2020 21:19

@Eng123

DP earns slightly more than I do. We have a joint account and personal accounts but we live out of the joint account. To be honest DP does all of the banking and has all the access details to all accounts and moves money around as needed. The personal accounts are only a hangover really, I'm not sure I remember or have the pin! We have two children so we agreed it was all common money.

You need to have access to all your finances, you never know what life throws you, some men can be financially abusive, just take care.

Smallgoon · 28/12/2020 00:43

I wouldn't expect my partner to pay more than me if he earned more, in the same way that if I were renting with my friends, I wouldn't expect them to pay more if they earned more. I know it's not the same situation, but unless we were married, I would have the expectation that I should be financially independent.

Stinginthetail · 28/12/2020 01:14

Ours just one joint bank account. I earn about 20k more than DH now. Was about 13k more pre covid and his redundancy. Now he's barely making minimum wage and I earn around 44k. We have joint account and joint savings for everything. Been married nearly 20 years but we've been like this since we got married. I just find that works better for us as tbh there's never anything left at the end of the month anyway.

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