How would you balance this salary difference?

[Elbels]

Interested in views because I wouldn't have thought twice before reading threads on Mumsnet, but...

Two people in a relationship. Not married but own a mortgaged house together.

Due to covid impact on one and the other getting a promotion, what had been pretty equal salaries will now have a pre-tax £20,000 difference per year.

Currently both pay the same amount into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills and food. Both generous in treating each other and split things like holidays equally.

Both have their own savings accounts and ISAs.

No children but will start trying in the next year.

Would you
A. Carry on paying equally into the joint account meaning that higher earner has more spare money now to add into their savings or to spend

B. Lower earner pays the same as currently into joint account, higher earner now pays more so together they have more money to spend (but how much more?)

C. Lower earner reduces the amount they pay into the joint account, higher earner covers the difference.

No interest in going fully all shared finances at this stage.

We are an unmarried long term partnership with a mortgage and no DC.

Most of the time I earn more than DP, but my job is generally less time consuming and easier.

We pay all our income into one pot and pay all joint costs from that, including savings for holidays, car costs, mobile phones, food, bills, mortgage etc. Anything that is essential or a joint cost like a holiday for both of us comes out of this money.

We both then get an equal sum of money for our own personal spends and this would be used for clothes, tech other than a basic smartphone, work lunches or coffee out (pack up comes out of groceries but if you choose the more expensive bought option, you pay for it yourself), hobby equipment, holidays with friends, you get the idea.

Paying proportionately based on percentages of salary doesn't work if there's a big difference in salaries as the higher earner ends up with more personal money. Earning more doesn't always reflect the time and effort required to get and do a job and at some point, the difference will lead to a noticeable difference in lifestyle, which isn't fair.

The next morning and I'm still outraged at the total blatant sexism of ivfbeenbusy's post.

@FollowThatStarTonight

The next morning and I'm still outraged at the total blatant sexism of ivfbeenbusy's post.

Hoping that's a jokey post! 🤣

I'm not mercenary at all I just find it depressing that women demand/expect equality in all things but then expect a higher earning (usually male) partner to top up their spending so they have the same amount like it was the 1950s or something. 🤷‍♀️

But then again I was raised to be an independent woman who shouldn't need/want to rely on a man financially and if I wanted something I went out and earnt it.

Being in a relationship shouldnt be about putting you in a better financial position Had you never met.....what's more mercenary than that?!

We bought a house for example which was within both mine AND DH means - had I wanted to pay more than 50% of the mortgage we could have a house twice as big....but then he could just as easily divorce me and walk off with half a house he hasn't contributed equally to?
Like a lot of lower earning women I see regularly on MN are advised to do when a relationship breaks down........

*It gets a bit boring seeing constant comments about women expecting their men to top up their spending money

Which women have said that?*

All of the women who went for option b and c 🤷‍♀️

DP earns slightly more than I do. We have a joint account and personal accounts but we live out of the joint account. To be honest DP does all of the banking and has all the access details to all accounts and moves money around as needed. The personal accounts are only a hangover really, I'm not sure I remember or have the pin! We have two children so we agreed it was all common money.

But it's the centring of women as being the money grabbers in your narrative, despite plenty of women on here saying they are the higher earner?

Women as a class earn less partly due to their sex as they still are paid less for comparable work, plus the expectations on them that they will pick up the childcare, work part time, have less experience due to mat leave and so on. Being in a relationship, a partnership, means you face that together. We're a family and what we bring to the table, we bring to the whole family, be that financially or otherwise.

I am a lawyer and a high earner btw, not your vision of some wee diddy wifey that's been raised to live off her man, but my DH still earns 10x what I do. Why on earth wouldn't we share that pot?

I think marriage or a relationship involving children would be difficult with a wage differential.

All money in joint. All goes into one account with equal amount of personal money. You’re a partnership?

I don't think a wage gap is an issue unless one or other uses it as a lever. In which case it's not a good relationship!

@FollowThatStarTonight

But it's the centring of women as being the money grabbers in your narrative, despite plenty of women on here saying they are the higher earner?

Women as a class earn less partly due to their sex as they still are paid less for comparable work, plus the expectations on them that they will pick up the childcare, work part time, have less experience due to mat leave and so on. Being in a relationship, a partnership, means you face that together. We're a family and what we bring to the table, we bring to the whole family, be that financially or otherwise.

I am a lawyer and a high earner btw, not your vision of some wee diddy wifey that's been raised to live off her man, but my DH still earns 10x what I do. Why on earth wouldn't we share that pot?

This absolutely this

@Mumisnotmyonlyname

I think marriage or a relationship involving children would be difficult with a wage differential.

I'd say it's far more typical than atypical esp once children arrive. Even my friends who are doctors and lawyers so on good money and comparable to their husbands have taken an hour's cut to be at home more. Not to mention all the SAHP

We were one pot from the beginning. I mean, we did things in a very non MN approved way- I was 22 when we got together, we had moved in together six weeks after our first date, neither of us had much of anything at all as I had just finished uni and was debt ridden and he had just come to the UK with nothing more than a bag of clothes. From the beginning, all income was ours equally, all outgoings were our equal responsibility. Whoever has earned more, and that has changed regularly throughout our relationship, it's always been one pot. I out earn him now by miles and would think it incredibly odd to see that money as mine rather than ours. When he was earning far more than me that money was ours, not his.

ivf I'd be in a better financial position if id not met DH, not had kids, not followed his job round the world.
We met as equal earners, I took maternity, he got a promotion. He got offered a job that meant I earnt 0, and we could save more than we ever thought possible. I've just got back into work earning 1/3 of my previous salary. Damm right I see part of DH's salary as available for me to spend. My sacrifices have enabled him to have that earning power.

OP, I'd suggest equalish spends. So, work out what us left at the end of essentials and budgeted spends. Leave half that in each account. Rest into a joint pot.

No interest in going fully all shared finances at this stage.

If you are planning on getting married, starting a family next year and have a mortgage together, I am assuming you are both already fully committed to spending your life together.

What is the plan for after marriage/children? Live as a family unit with all money in the family pot with spending decisions made jointly regardless of who contributes more, or continue as two financially separate people who share a house and a couple of kids and if one hits financially hard times (maternity leave, ill health, redundancy, caring responsibilities etc) they are reduced to the other one giving them the handout they think is ok, or if one comes into wealth (redundancy, lottery win, inheritance, promotion) it is theirs alone?

Your long term plan will influence what you do in the short term and should be discussed and agreed now before committing to marriage and children (or a mortgage!), this is the kind of detail can ruin relationships if you are not on the same page.

I agree, that you should think about your longer term financial plans....you say you have no plan to share finances in the short term.....do you ever perceive this being the way you do finances and if so, what needs to change for you to get to that point? Is it that in some way, shared finances feel a bigger commitment than buying a house, having a child or getting married next year?

For some people, the shared finances do seem a bigger commitment than all these other things...and one they just aren’t prepared to commit to, for whatever reasons. People might decide this for a variety of reasons and as long as it has been seriously considered rather than discounted out of hand, that’s fine.

The reason I think many people who find themselves in long term or life relationships, with children, possibly marriage, property ownership etc but without the shared finances, is because the development of their relationship was a gradual, drift kind of thing. It started with signing a 6 month contract in a flat to rent, it become a 12month contract, it became buying a house with a mortgage which was equal shares not tenancy in common mortgage.....at each stage, there was always the option to get out if necessary, rather than a fully-in approach. And money runs deep within it.

Do have a think about the future and maternity leaves, possible part time working or no working for a while and finances within all that. Do t assume that because you never had shared finances, it isn’t for you or can’t be for now. Look into it all again and add it as a further option to the A-C posssibilities.

All the ratios and pro rata systems of paying in only really work if both earn and can pay in and also can be left with a reasonable private source of money. It sets up a system where your worth is partly linked to financially paying in. And people a few years down the line know that when children come and quite often feelings about work change, there can well be a period of no-work and therefore no paying in. It’s not a problem or odd when finances have been shared. If they never have been before, then they can’t become so at the point of the baby, if one party isn’t contributing. Lots of women in particular find it quite tricky at that point...and it’s because there is no financial precedent in the relationship.

There can be lots of good reasons for separate finances...often related to finances of the past and issues there. However, many many people find shared finances works well over a long period and not just child bearing years, so it’s definitely worth looking into and where lots of people have real barriers and obstacles to the concept, to looking into why that is and if a new way of looking at it all might help.

As you’re getting married and want to TTC a high priority should be saving money for childcare, which is far, far more costly than mat leave.

And it’d make most sense to have shared accounts and agree financial goals.

@ivfbeenbusy

Option A - relationships aren't about making spending money more equitable. I earn 3x DH and I have more spending money. That's life. I studied for a long time and worked hard for my career in a challenging professional industry. He didn't

That's not always how life works...

We did percentage of the total sum of bills.
So in a separate account for bills DP paid 75 percent and I paid 25 percent. Which left us with the same percentage of disposable income. It worked for us

No children, not married, it should be 5050.

Pro-rata all the way. My husband earns 4x my salary (medicine Vs finance :( ), we are TTC so no child yet but we realised early on that nothing else would work/be fair... It is really hard to be left with nothing when partner has more disposable income to invest for early retirement, better holidays etc...

No children then would split bills 50-50 unless that leaves lower income into savings / debt in which case would cover it.

Once kids if one goes part-time I would adjust to give you both the same after working though its really up to you both to agree and there's no rule. Or some people then have a joint account for bills / kids.

Be careful about paying more than 50% now if its likely to be you if goes part-time - also hits your pension unless you can agree a rule that works long-term.

We are married and currently split everything equally as we earn roughly the same. However, DH likely to have more increases than me esp as from when my eldest in school (2.75 years away) I’m going to ask to do 8-2.30 and term time only so my wages will drop a fair bit then so at that point I think it will become proportionate as the difference will be too great and I’m enabling him to be able to work FT and progress his career by taking the main childcare role

I earn 3x DH and I have more spending money. That's life. I studied for a long time and worked hard for my career in a challenging professional industry. He didn't

Ok but so in practice do you do/ buy everything to fit your DH’s income. I earn 10x my DH’ salary and it would be really weird (and quite self defeating) if we lived in in the sort of house he could afford 50% of and never went on holiday and scrimped on the groceries and so on. I did and do work hard in my studies/ job and part of the reward is living in a nicer area in a bigger house and so on.

Genuinely don’t understand how your way works in practice.

We share all of our money. We are married and have 1 child. I couldn’t be bothered trying to remember who paid last time. As long as one person isn’t incredibly selfish and goes out with their friends a lot more that the other person, or spends loads on designer clothes etc, I think generally one pot works. I suppose if one of us had an expensive hobby or habit I might feel differently though.