Joint expenditure - please help

[Genderpaycrap]

I live with partner and we have two children aged 8 + 6. As I have been working part time and earn less than he does we came to an arrangement early on that he pays the majority of the bills (mortgage, council tax, insurance) whereas I pay for child related costs (childcare, clothes shoes, any incidentals).

I’ve increased my workload to 4 days a week so we’ve decided I should be paying more. The question is how do we do this? He is insisting that he has paid a lot more than me over the years and I am finding it hard to argue with that, as a lot of the expenses I have covered aren’t noted (teachers presents, after-school clubs, general household costs like getting a plumber in). I’ve also ended up paying for lots of stuff like the children’s birthday parties which I know are not essential but do cost a lot. And their clothes, Xmas presents etc etc.

Admittedly I am utterly rubbish with money and find it hard to keep a note of everything. As a result it looks like he has paid Way more than me,

We are trying to figure out how to set up this new arrangement. I would much prefer that we both pay a certain amount into the joint account per month and that any expenditure which is family related comes out of that account rather than dribbling out of my current account and muddying the waters. He is adamant that this won’t work and that will end up spending the joint account dry. He wants me to continue sorting any incidental expenses and then chasing him for reimbursement for half of it. I just don’t feel this is fair as I’m basically bankrolling the operation. And I just knew that because I am bad noting things I will end up losing out.

We cannot resolve this and Have just had a screaming row. Please can you tell me how you organise this in a way that is fair for both of you?

The other thing that figures in this discussion is how much we both contribute to the joint account. He reckons we should both contribute equal amounts but he earns a fair whack more than me, so how is this fair?

Please tell me good systems that you use as I really need some advice. Feeling very depressed, stressed and anxious. Thank you very much in advance.

We have a joint bank account into which all our money goes. From that things are paid/bought.
We share a life and try not to be too flagrant in our individual spending.
We have no 'my money' unless a bonus/unexpected small amount comes along which we might spend as a treat.
Never understood the painstaking divvying up of expenses - would your partner want you/children to go without?

All money is 'our' money regardless of who earns more. We budget monthly for everything. Anything not spent goes into a buffer pot. Anything overspent comes from the buffer. If needed, we adjust the budget. E.g. DS returned from Uni (twice) for lockdown so we adjusted the food and household budgets but we're barely using the car so adjusted the fuel budget.

Any large expenses are discussed but more as a courtesy so the other is aware.

I can't fathom not doing it the way - no resentment, no haggling and no feeling undervalued/paid.

In my experience, when one person ‘pays the bills’ and the other ‘covers the other stuff’, the person paying the fixed bills is much, much better off.

Is there a reason you’re not married, given you have DC?

We have equal disposable spending money (a limited amount) in our personal back accounts, and then the rest of our wages goes to joint family expenditure and savings. Regardless of who earns more/works more. We have a fixed bills account, so it’s never “run dry” and a different spending account for groceries, clothes, entertainment etc.

He’s only paid more because you have worked less to do childcare. It’s vastly unfair you’ve paid the childcare bills. I’m sure he hasn’t paid more in real terms.

Keep having the row.

In your situation I’d say you need a second joint account for spending, into which you both contribute.

Bills account - joint
Spending account - joint

Then you either both have the same personal spending money (and agree what that covers) or you contribute in an equal % of your salary. So if you both pay 80% of your take home pay into the joint funds it’s fair no matter who earns more (but lower earner is left with lower discretionary spending).

Make sure your pension savings are equal to his.

We put everything in the bills account. A few days later all bills are paid then we account for grocery and fuel costs, family events, clothes, savings etc. Split the reminder 50/50

Keep equal amounts of personal money. Rest goes in family pot for all bills and family expenditure.
I think putting equal proportion into family pot (e.g 80% of salary) works where no kids but in your case your lower earnings partly reflect time spent on childcare so I think equal £ left for personal spends is reasonable

We put an equal amount each into a joint account each month which covers all household outgoings (about a third of our net income each). Irregular or big ticket expenses go onto a separate spreadsheet with who paid the bill but the remainder of our income is personal.

Thank you so much for your responses. Really helpful. Squirrels I like your style.
I’m all for the percentage of earnings into joint accounts then personal accounts for anything not family related.
Asdf, when the irregular or big ticket items come in, how do you physically pay for them? Do u pick it up on your personal current account then settle at end of the month?
I’m still struggling with the idea of most irregular expenses being funnelled through my bank account. Things get missed and I end up paying for them. mainly because I’m the one who can be arsed to book the plumber / pay for the school trips / sort out birthday presents etc. AIBU to think it’s unfair?
Thanks again for the sage advice.

Can you pay for those things out of the bills account, or if you prefer to keep them separate, set up a standing order to a second current account so you have a pot of money available for irregular joint costs.

He says that he has paid for more than you over the past few years, but it sounds like you've done the lion's share of managing the household and childcare, so still a valuable contribution.

Maybe now you're working more, you need to reevaluate how this is split too?

As well as aiming for equal personal spending money after all joint family costs are covered, you should aim for equal personal leisure time.

You need a joint household account for joint matters.
Anyway he sounds unappreciative of your domestic responsibilities so to speak

I’m all for the percentage of earnings into joint accounts then personal accounts for anything not family related

This is how we do it. His logic makes no sense, if you both put enough in to cover joint expenses then how will it bleed the joint account dry? You are both paying for it anyway. Irrelevant of what account it comes from, or methodology you use, the cost is the exact same.

Is there a reason he’s suddenly become so tight?

We pay by whatever means handy and add to the spreadsheet. Everything usually works out very even but if a discrepancy arises one will pick up a few other things to even it out.

We have a joint account which we both put agreed amounts in for household bills and expenses. What we have left is our own to spend or save as we like. Occasionally we have to contribute more to the joint account.

I think you should calculate how much you spent a term on after school clubs, for example, then multiply it by the three terms and show just how much you contributed. The problem with something being a few quid a week is that on its own it's an insignificant amount.

He says that he has paid for more than you over the past few years, but it sounds like you've done the lion's share of managing the household and childcare, so still a valuable contribution.

This. Don't underestimate the fact you have been contributing to the pot - in resources rather than money. If he wants to now give more money as you're working more, presumably he will give me more child/home care?

Joint account for bills shopping, mortgage, council tax, utilities, childcare. Each have some money for personal spending, big spends/ savings agreed together.

Be very very clear what your personal funds are for if you move to that. Make sure you are not paying for food and child treats from it while his goes on video games and beer (for example).

We have a joint account for bills/food/savings and both have an equal amount of ‘pocket money’ in our solo accounts.

The bills account runs a surplus so any unusual costs - car repairs, social events, child expenses or if we’ve just over spent in our personal accounts comes from there.

It’s worked for over a decade.

Or what @Avidreader12 succinctly said

You all make really good sense. We discussed further today and he’s adamant that we will not have a joint account to cover ‘extra’ things like birthday parties, trips to the cinema, entertaining etc. I’m supposed to pay for it and then flag it and ask for half. Fact is I’m rubbish at accounting for it and will end up losing out.

Why doesn't he pay for it and ask you for it back?

He’s an arsehole.

Why are these perfectly normal expenses your responsibility?

Tell him - because you’re “crap with money” - that he needs to pay and flag it with you.

Alternatively, you could set up a family spending account yourself, or get a credit card you put all family expenses on. That keeps it all separate from your own account and you’ll have a record of exactly what’s been spent to get his 50%. And if he doesn’t pay his share without moaning on time and in full for more than 1 month then you need to have an all-out row.

Sort the childcare expenses. He pays 50% of those too.

I’ve just re-read your OP.

How much more than you is a “fair whack” in terms of his earnings vs yours?

What EXACTLY does he pay vs what you pay for - no mention of groceries, petrol, holidays etc.

Whose name is the house in?

How much do you pay in childcare?

I’m feeling pretty cross on your behalf... is he an arse generally or just with money?

Oh god. He is one of those.

Credit card for absolutely all shared expenditure that doesnt require a DD or standing order. You settle it in full every month, in proportion to your wages, as should also apply to all household bills.

He is absolutely taking the piss.

if you can't get him to see the point of a joint account, then you really just need a system to make sure that every.single.thing that you pay for is recorded. Could you take a picture of each thing, so that you have a record and can then do a 'report'

Infact, you shouldn't have to do that. The advantage of a joint account is that you can both see where all the money goes. Stand by for him to start objecting to your outings and treats for the DC.

Sigh.

Get a Monzo, starling or Revolut account (one where you can transfer money instantaneously. I have all three, but think Monzo sounds best for your state of mind, just in that it’s very easy to account for what you’ve spent).

Put some money in it as a float.

Pay for EVERYTHING joint, child-related or house related etc through the Monzo card. (They’re super nice to deal with, unlike your partner from how you’ve described it). It’s got a nice orange card and all you have to do is train yourself to think ‘kids/house/life expenditure = orange card.’

Then you can SEE in black and white exactly what you spend on the family. The app will automatically give you nice little graphs and pie charts, further breaking down what you spend.

Then join something like Reddit personal finance U.K., money saving expert forum, or buy a book on personal finances. Or get You Need A Budget or something. Because this guy is depending on your inability to effectively manage money to take advantage of you. If you turn yourself into a female finance whizz - which you absolutely easily can, there is SO much support out there to do so - then you can pull this particular rug out from under this arsehole’s feet and stop him taking advantage of you.

PS it should take you about 10 mins to apply for a Monzo card & account online.