Joint expenditure - please help

[Genderpaycrap]

I live with partner and we have two children aged 8 + 6. As I have been working part time and earn less than he does we came to an arrangement early on that he pays the majority of the bills (mortgage, council tax, insurance) whereas I pay for child related costs (childcare, clothes shoes, any incidentals).

I’ve increased my workload to 4 days a week so we’ve decided I should be paying more. The question is how do we do this? He is insisting that he has paid a lot more than me over the years and I am finding it hard to argue with that, as a lot of the expenses I have covered aren’t noted (teachers presents, after-school clubs, general household costs like getting a plumber in). I’ve also ended up paying for lots of stuff like the children’s birthday parties which I know are not essential but do cost a lot. And their clothes, Xmas presents etc etc.

Admittedly I am utterly rubbish with money and find it hard to keep a note of everything. As a result it looks like he has paid Way more than me,

We are trying to figure out how to set up this new arrangement. I would much prefer that we both pay a certain amount into the joint account per month and that any expenditure which is family related comes out of that account rather than dribbling out of my current account and muddying the waters. He is adamant that this won’t work and that will end up spending the joint account dry. He wants me to continue sorting any incidental expenses and then chasing him for reimbursement for half of it. I just don’t feel this is fair as I’m basically bankrolling the operation. And I just knew that because I am bad noting things I will end up losing out.

We cannot resolve this and Have just had a screaming row. Please can you tell me how you organise this in a way that is fair for both of you?

The other thing that figures in this discussion is how much we both contribute to the joint account. He reckons we should both contribute equal amounts but he earns a fair whack more than me, so how is this fair?

Please tell me good systems that you use as I really need some advice. Feeling very depressed, stressed and anxious. Thank you very much in advance.

I'm loving the fact that he's claiming he contributes way more than you on the one hand (i.e. he's denying all the little costs you pay that add up) but then claiming you'll spend the joint account dry on the other (i.e. all these little costs will suddenly start to appear as soon as there's a joint account).

My husband earns between 7-10 times what I do (self-employed, earnings vary.) I work FT but am also the primary parent in that I do essentially everything at home.

Joint savings account, joint checking account. None of this "calculate a percentage based on earnings" bollocks. We are a team and have been so for 20 years. There is no "my money" or "his money".

I'm constantly amazed that on MN there are so many people who choose to procreate but sit there with a calculator to calculate relative contributions in the event that their child needs a new pair of shoes. Good lord, life is too short.

All earnings into one pot and all expenses come out of that pot. Problem solved.

In my experience, when one person ‘pays the bills’ and the other ‘covers the other stuff’, the person paying the fixed bills is much, much better off.

I agree with this. The little stuff really adds up.

I bet you're not that crap with money, just kids are bloody expensive.

I'd play him at his game. Make an effort to keep track and bill him at the end of every day. It's good practice to keep track of your spending and see where your money goes anyway. I bet you will soon realise how much small essentials really add up. He's being a selfish dick!

Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to in your name (child benefit) from his saying he has contributed more over the years.. it sounds like he doesn’t respect your contribution of course he will earn more than part time part partners. I’m afraid I had this my “partner” was arguing that he couldn’t afford what he was paying into joint account and he had no money. I worked out he was taking home 1350 a month after tax and pension contribution. I was and still on about 700 a month with no way of upping my working hours. He used to argue he could never afford anything meals out, expenses on holiday kids lessons, etc this fell to meet as we have 1 child to be honest one day he pushed me to far by arguing about money asking me to leave our house he later backtracked but I saw a solicitor I then held my tongue.. the next time 6 months later it all reared it’s head again by him I was prepared and told him if he wanted to go to do so. I’m much better off now as a single parent. Sometimes you have to work out what you really want and how you want to live a partner should support you.

@Genderpaycrap

You all make really good sense. We discussed further today and he’s adamant that we will not have a joint account to cover ‘extra’ things like birthday parties, trips to the cinema, entertaining etc. I’m supposed to pay for it and then flag it and ask for half. Fact is I’m rubbish at accounting for it and will end up losing out.

He's being unreasonable.

I would just tell him to fuck off.

This makes all of this your job plus having to ask.

Leave him and claim CMS. You'll probably get more money from him that way.

He's making you do this because it suits him. His way, you have to justify every single expense to him, and he can turn round and say "no I dont agree the child needed new shoes so I refuse to pay half".

I bet he does f all house work too 🙄

Honestly why are you with him?

Urgh he's borderline financially abusive.

I live with DP and my two children aren't his (widowed). We both an equal amount into a joint account (I earn about 5k more). Absolutely everything joint, household related comes out of there. The only bill that is just mine is childcare as they are my children, although any evening babysitting comes out the joint account.

I've never had a joint account with dp, he pays the mortgage and bills, I pay for food shopping and kids stuff, although he's not at all tight so will pay for all takeaways, meals out etc.
You don't need a joint account, but you do need a system that you're both happy with.

You say you are utterly useless with money (your words) so I can see his point that there may not be trust there that you wouldn't run the joint account dry? My DH couldn't manage a piggy bank. We have a joint account in name only and he doesn't have access. He pays in 50% of all household bills (mortgage, council tax, insurances etc). I'm the main earner by a considerable way but if we separated at least I wouldn't resent him for being entitled to half the house as he as actually paid it. I lay for household repairs, childcare and food on top.
He has a set amount of "spending money" and I tend to have whatever is left - sometimes could be twice that of DH but then it the one who puts into family savings, holidays etc and I earn 3x as much.

I don't agree in having equal spending money when people don't have equally earning jobs

@ivfbeenbusy

You say you are utterly useless with money (your words) so I can see his point that there may not be trust there that you wouldn't run the joint account dry? My DH couldn't manage a piggy bank. We have a joint account in name only and he doesn't have access. He pays in 50% of all household bills (mortgage, council tax, insurances etc). I'm the main earner by a considerable way but if we separated at least I wouldn't resent him for being entitled to half the house as he as actually paid it. I lay for household repairs, childcare and food on top. He has a set amount of "spending money" and I tend to have whatever is left - sometimes could be twice that of DH but then it the one who puts into family savings, holidays etc and I earn 3x as much.

I don't agree in having equal spending money when people don't have equally earning jobs

@ivfbeenbusy - if you don't mind me saying, you don't seem to have much respect for your DH. Maybe that's valid, maybe not -'does he pull his weight in other areas?

I completely & fundamentally disagree with your arbitrary 'personal spending proportional to personal earnings" approach. That can equal financial abuse if one person earns less because of ability, caring responsibilities and/or a myriad of other reasons.

Do you have that approach for a reason?

@Genderpaycrap - may I suggest you read a book written by a British financial specialist called Love Is Not Enough: A Smart Woman's Guide to Money.

My suggestion is:

1. you both put in jointly to a bank account that covers all the bills including dc. So mortgage, food, utilities, phones, clothing for dc, childcare etc.
2. You have a joint saving account for the things that benefit you both like new kitchen, family holiday etc.
3. Then you each get x amount for your own spends like 200pcm and that is up to each of you what you do with it. It is each of your 'mad money' for fun, incidentals, a night out, books, magazines, whatever.
4. You each have x amount to save individually like 250 ppm to put into ISA's, extra pension etc.

That way it's equal. Otherwise someone is always worse off than the other person and that's not fair.