Unequal incomes - how to organise so one of us doesn't feel resentful? (bit long, sorry)

[Mij]

Not that we do at the moment, we rub along very nicely actually.

But I tend to be the one who deals with all the money and domestic organisation; mainly cos I'm better at it, or at least just getting around to it, partly because we work together and I do the budgets there too!

And now I'm the one with the paltry income.

We have our own accounts, into which our wages are paid, and we have a joint account, which before our DD arrived we used to put the same amount of cash into (as we earned roughly the same) to cover rent, bills and other housekeeping.

We're struggling to come up with a system that maintains a bit of financial independence for both of us (even if it's just pin/cake/CD money), AND covers all our living expenses, AND doesn't make me feel crap for not contributing as much AND makes sure DP doesn't feel he's getting a raw deal as he's now the major earner, and we can at least buy each other birthday presents without it showing up on the joint statement.

The rough models we've thought of are:

1. We get all our wages paid into the joint account, then decide on either a minimum pocket money (fixed amount or percentage of earnings?) that gets transferred into our personal accounts
2. We continue to be paid into our own accounts, but put all but x pounds or a percentage of wages into the joint account, and if we more than cover the bills that goes into savings (not very likely, we don't earn much).
3. We muddle on like we do at the moment, paying a previously decided total into the joint account, and DP topping that up when needed, although that leaves me with no personal cash as my commitment to our household expenditure per month now exceeds my earnings!
4. Something we haven't thought of yet.

The other sticky issues which partly depend on what model we go with:

1. What counts as 'essential' expenditure, particularly around grooming (leg waxes? overly pricey hair cuts?)
2. What do you budget for clothing for yourselves and DD (16 months, currently clothed mostly in hand me downs, which will continue...)
3. Are wine and other non-essential consumables personal or joint expenditure? We seem to trade alcohol (dp) for cake/nice bread/pricey fruit juices (me) in our weekly shop so we're at an approximate equilibrium.

DP isn't arsey about money, he thinks it's all 'ours' now, which is fine, but I still want to both not feel like a 'kept' woman who has to ask for money for a new winter coat (old one's sleeve has, as of this morning, half parted company with body), but also don't want DP to feel like he cant' have the occasional treat cos he does work bloody hard and is a fabulous dad.

Any thoughts?

you've put a lot of thought into this!

so you know what your fixed bills are every month (direct debits, mortgage/rent, council tax etc.)? If you want, you could run all of them out of the joint account and contribute a percentage each based on how much you earn (so he would contribute more as he is earning more). Add a generous bit in for food, alcohol/drinks, upkeep of children, emergencies etc.

Whatever is left in your own accounts, you can do what you like with (haircuts, going out etc.).

We still have separate accounts but no joint account. As dh is earning more at the moment, the mortgage runs through his account (as do most of the bills) but I pick up all the food/drink costs plus anything to do with the children and every day expenditure.

and if neither of you are that fussed/possessive about money, I doubt you'll get into that resentful situation. Don't feel crap for not earning as much - it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Wow, yes, you have thought this through!

Just not an issue in our house - one account that all money goes into and all money goes out of. Neither quibbles about what the other spends. Just as well really because it's me that spends money on bags, shoes, clothes and nails and dh way 'outearns' me!

I consider myself lucky that dh is so laid back he's practically horizontal!

And money is only one contribution made to a family/household. I don't know people make such a huge issue about the amount of money each contributes when you are undoubtedly contributing so much more in other ways. OK, dh contributes miles more money than me but how often does he pick up the hoover, mop, clean the bathroom or kitchen, do the ironing, deal with all the childrens' school issues, pay bills and manage finances.... I could go on.

His higher financial contribution affords me my lower financial contribution, which, in turn, affords us a more stress free life as a family because we don't fork out for childcare, school runs and holidays are not an issue and household chores etc don't tend to pile up

We found that getting paid into the joint account works best and ALL the bills come out of that. Shopping is purchased on the joint acct debit card etc.

We used to do this thing whereby we worked out our joint income, worked out what percentage of it each of us earned and put that in the joint account and it was all a bit of a faff tbh.

I will be giving up work shortly so it's irrelevant soon - DH will be "paying" for everything, but the money will still be in the joint account, so it's "ours".

FWIW, I think the idea of pocket money in your own account is nice, particularly for buying presents for each other and that kind of thing. Work out what you actually each need, rather than having a fixed amount, or a percentage. I think a percentage of your earnings could be a bit unfair because it makes you unequal again. My DH goes out more than I do, but I spend more money than him on clothes. It's swings and roundabouts. Work out what your usual discretionary spend is each month and don't worry about the amounts other than to budget. Comparisons between a couple aren't useful in this instance, imo.

DP and I earn similar amounts atm but we have discussed what would happen if one of us had a huge pay rise or cut long term.

At the moment we pay our salaries into our own accounts and a fixed sum into a joint account to cover mortgage, bills, food shopping, nursery and things for DD like clothes etc. Anything left over goes toward a holiday or something similar. We did this even through my mat leave as where I live mat allowance is very good, plus I knew I was going back to work so could make up any short term shortfall from my savings.

However, in the instance of a major disaprity of our earnings we'd go for the percentage of our salalries option. At present our fixed sum is 50% but that may go up or down according to necessity. In the case of a significant salary drop form one party I should imagine we'd be talking about 60-70% each to offset the difference.

Hair cuts and leg waxes are paid for from our personal money, as are clothes for DP and myself. Things like luxury food items are part of our joint food shopping and we share all items 50%, as my wine and fancy shampoos are offset by DP's expensive seafood concoctions and all the snacky things I don't eat. If funds became tight we would both cut down on luxury items as necessary, but they would still remain 50/50.

We now have very different incomes and I still pay most of the household bills and shopping etc. We have just agreed that dh pays a standing order in to my account each month to balance out the difference.

We don't argue about money (about the only thing we don't argue about and have no hard and fast rules. If I need more one month we share it out differently.

Personally I think if you start worrying about how much you spend on extras you may start gettting too embroiled in argument-causing petty details (your computer magazines cost more than my leg wax etc etc).

If things are tight you both spend less. If things are comfy you share some treats or joint savings. No biggy.

with my xH we did foxinsocks idea, paid the bills etc... based on earning %, so he would pay 60% and i would pay 30%. TBH it made me feel like a flatmate when we would sort the accts at month's end.

Now with DH, joint account he earns dble what I do these days (plus i'm on mat leave now), but shouldn't and don't feel "guilt" at spending the money, it's both ours, and as long as we're sensible, should it matter?

In our house everything goes into a joint account. It always did when we were earning and it still does now I am a SAHM. I did have a bit transferred into my account for a while to pay for my credit card bills that were paid by DD out of that account and to hide the birthday presents. In the end though it got a bit pointless and complicated so now we have one bank account and a credit card each in our own names and it couldn't be simpler. He still doesn't know what I spent on his birthday present as I pay by credit card. The bill might be slightly bigger that month but it isn't a secret - it can't be as he knows what he got!

Neither of us would make a big purchase without asking the other but it was never an issue. Something like a coat for example, I would mention but I wouldn't be asking permission iyswim. I would just be telling DH that a significant sum was coming out of the account. DH knows I don't squander money and neither does he.

We NEVER argue about money either. Do people honestly argue about it?

Hmmmm. Me thinks I may be over-thinking things considering what you've rightly pointed out, ie we're not actually that possessive/'that's not fair'ish about money anyway.

But dammit, I do love a nice spreadsheet and honestly, you have to see my new one, it's a thing of beauty.

Maybe I'd feel a bit better about it if I actually did a load more housework. Ironing? What's that..?

I think we def need to have some pin money, so the old fashioned feminist in me still feels I have some financial independence, iyswim, even if I could only buy a bus ticket to Scarborough with it. And so DP can buy the new Buffy comics without feeling he has to justify it.

We do the 'all the bills come out of the joint acc' thing at the mo, and the food shopping, but it's the other stuff like clothes, books, friends' birthday presents, sneaky lunches out etc. DP usually picks up the tab at the mo because we haven't worked out how much more he needs to put into the joint acc to cover this stuff, which I guess is why I felt the need to sort it out 'properly'.

Intellectually, and very supported by DP, I don't really feel like I'm not contributing as much because I'm not earning as much, cos clearly I'm doing loads of other stuff and I do almost all the family management too.

Will take all your responses into a corner and give them serious thought, while just tweaking that gorgeous spreadsheet of mine...

we used to have equal incomes, before we had dd and i went back to work part time and dh was promoted. in pre baby days we each paid the same amount into joint account to cover mortgage and bills and food. we paid for our own cars and mobiles and anything else like haircuts etc. big expenses like house repairs etc were paid jointly half and half.

now i earn less than him. he now pays the mortgage and bills. i pay nursery and food. we still each pay our own cars and personal expenditure. i pay for anything dd needs too.

it works well because he is responsible for paying for something important and so am i. so we are equally contributing. also if i want an overly expensive haircut then i pay it, then i don't have to feel i need to justify it.

i would add though, dh treats me a lot. he gets all take aways, all ad hoc snacks for weekend etc. i don't pay for any extras now at all. he also pays for all big expenses.

does that help at all?! difficult isn't it?!

We're in a similar situation & are quite casual about it - we divvied up all the direct debits & regular expenses a couple of years ago.

Mortgage, childcare & various bills including gas/leccy come out of my wage, on dds arranged to be a couple of days after payday - the remaining pittance is 'mine'.

Various other odds & sods come out of his account, & he does the food shopping - anything left is 'his'.

It works for us because I earn a bit more, but am scattier with money, so if my bills are the big, regular ones I can keep track; whereas he's quite happy to balance say, car insurance next month means keeping this month's food expenditure down &/or asking me to chip in.

Periodically one of us has a chunk of month left at the end of the money, & 'borrows' £100 or whatever off the other.

It works so long as we keep each other informed - there's been a couple of nasty surprises when one of us has spent up & the other is blithely assuming that they can sub the cost of a night out or whatever.

thanks ruddynorah, it does, and I'm starting to wonder if it's as much/more about the fact that our budget was tight before I was down to 2/5s my previous income, so the 50/50 thing is impossible, which is why I started to think about torturous percentage splits.

dh works full time, I work 20 hours. He probably earns 4 times what I earn now.
I sort out all the financial matters.
We have a single joint account where both salaries go, plus savings accounts (mostly in my name since I went part time as dh is high rate and I'm not - but it is our rather than my money).

I cannot think of anything worse than a spreadsheet!!

My situation is exactly like Gobbledispook! All our money into the joint account and everything out again. DH trusts me and I trust him.

doesnt bother me if I saw how much he spent on a present and vice versa.

We never argue about money and i couldnt be bothered with the faffing of my hair cut cost this so you can spend the same on a rugby ticket!!

Sounds wrong.

it only bothers me what dh spends on a present when I don't like it!

dh and i have massively different incomes. they both go in to the same account and everything comes out of it. every now and then I spend half a minute regretting the fact that I feel slightly less powerful - I don;t feel I have the kind of "veto" I would have if we earned the same, because, like yours he does work extremely hard and we would be right up shit creek without his earnings. but I so rarely want to exercise that veto. if you are getting along without resentment I would suggest that you can continue to do so if you go joint.

I don't think this sounds like it'll be an issue for you really.
I used to earn more, now DP earns more. We don't have a joint account
Mortgage now comes out of DPs account, bills out of mine. Both buy shopping etc.
Last time I bothered to work it out we both had about the same amount of disposable income left each month, maybe you could work out how much money goes into the joint account on that basis?
We don't really budget for stuff like clothes formally, and neither of us are really interested in clothes or grooming stuff, so no opinion on that one really.

We have a single joint account and have done since before we were married (which my friends at the time who were worried that he would clean me out and leave me!). Now I'm a SAHM and we haven't seen a reason to change that. We each spend money from the account as we see fit, but if we want to spend on something big (including waxing actually) we ask first and double check our financial status if we need to. Presents tend to go on the credit card (paid off every month), so we don't see until the next month anyway.
Just one more point (and I hope this comes over the right way), it would be really good to have savings go out at the beginning of every month, so that you can be sure that you actually save. We've started doing this now that we're down to one income, because it is harder to put money aside and we need a safety net even more!

"for richer for poorer"

We have a joint account where both salaries go (mine is about a third of dhs) and then a separate account where enough money is transferred to cover the mortgage, all bills etc. Anything left in the first account is for both of us to spend as we like. (as agreed)

I handle the money (also have a lovely spread sheet and budgets, and there is no resentment between me and dh. I don't feel kept despite the fact I earn alot less. As I did the budgets, there is a budget for clothes for me

wow i get a raw deal clearly, dh earns much more than i do and we split things 50/50 he pays his share into my bank and i deal with it. i have to say when i have sugested we work on % he replies im not going to support you. i work weekends in a crisis house and im finding it stressfull i would like to cut my hours as im also studying but dont feel i have the support from hubby to do this. maybe ill be better of skint and alone than skint and unsupported.

Our money is always tight.

It has always been the same thing from the time we started living together though - all the money goes in one big pot, bills paid, food bought, if we want anything for ourselves, if the money is there then it is normally fine, if not, we have to wait. I am the one who does the money organising, so DH effectively has to ask if he wants to spend, but it all works fine.

He has a contract phone (for the fancy everything but the dishes doing phone, NOT because he needs one), games subscription each month - I get clothes every now and then.

Any gift money goes into our own personal account.

(I do also have a spreadsheet )