Unequal incomes - how to organise so one of us doesn't feel resentful? (bit long, sorry)

[Mij]

Not that we do at the moment, we rub along very nicely actually.

But I tend to be the one who deals with all the money and domestic organisation; mainly cos I'm better at it, or at least just getting around to it, partly because we work together and I do the budgets there too!

And now I'm the one with the paltry income.

We have our own accounts, into which our wages are paid, and we have a joint account, which before our DD arrived we used to put the same amount of cash into (as we earned roughly the same) to cover rent, bills and other housekeeping.

We're struggling to come up with a system that maintains a bit of financial independence for both of us (even if it's just pin/cake/CD money), AND covers all our living expenses, AND doesn't make me feel crap for not contributing as much AND makes sure DP doesn't feel he's getting a raw deal as he's now the major earner, and we can at least buy each other birthday presents without it showing up on the joint statement.

The rough models we've thought of are:

1. We get all our wages paid into the joint account, then decide on either a minimum pocket money (fixed amount or percentage of earnings?) that gets transferred into our personal accounts
2. We continue to be paid into our own accounts, but put all but x pounds or a percentage of wages into the joint account, and if we more than cover the bills that goes into savings (not very likely, we don't earn much).
3. We muddle on like we do at the moment, paying a previously decided total into the joint account, and DP topping that up when needed, although that leaves me with no personal cash as my commitment to our household expenditure per month now exceeds my earnings!
4. Something we haven't thought of yet.

The other sticky issues which partly depend on what model we go with:

1. What counts as 'essential' expenditure, particularly around grooming (leg waxes? overly pricey hair cuts?)
2. What do you budget for clothing for yourselves and DD (16 months, currently clothed mostly in hand me downs, which will continue...)
3. Are wine and other non-essential consumables personal or joint expenditure? We seem to trade alcohol (dp) for cake/nice bread/pricey fruit juices (me) in our weekly shop so we're at an approximate equilibrium.

DP isn't arsey about money, he thinks it's all 'ours' now, which is fine, but I still want to both not feel like a 'kept' woman who has to ask for money for a new winter coat (old one's sleeve has, as of this morning, half parted company with body), but also don't want DP to feel like he cant' have the occasional treat cos he does work bloody hard and is a fabulous dad.

Any thoughts?

Bumptobabies - What happened to a nice loving, supportive relationship??

Mij you sound like us
our spreadsheet is also a thing of beauty (though at the moment we earn about the same so the sums are very easy)

I'm another one who goes for the straightforward single joint account which all money goes into and everything is paid from. Even before we got married/had children we had this system and would never consider doing otherwise. The way we see it is that all money coming into the house belongs to all the Beachcombers regardless of who earnt it.

Before the children, we earnt similar amounts, now I have about a third of what DH earns. We are on a pretty tight budget at the moment so have to be disciplined, we consult each other over all exceptional or expensive purchases. Works for us.

I can see that the separate account to buy presents from is a nice idea but can't be arsed personally. I would never actively look on a bank statement to see how much DH spent on me and would probably have a pretty good idea of the price anyway.

You could still have a beautiful spreadsheet with this system!

We always have a strict present budget too

Whatever system you set up must suit your own personalities and attitudes to money. I am much more cautious than dh about spending and also I'm a bit about dh's obsession with buying the latest computer or whatever when the one we have is perfectly fine...

So for us, paying everything into the joint account wouldn't work as we would always be having "discussions" about dh buying his "toys".

What works for us is he puts most of his salary into the joint account but keeps a bit back for himself - and I don't really mind what he spends that on. I have the child benefit paid into my own account and that is my spending money to do what I want with. I also have some savings I can dip into if I need a bigger amount of cash (eg had a girly trip to NY a few years ago).

I think as long as both of you feel that the system is "fair" it doesn't really matter what it is - but I guess if also depends on whether money is tight or not - far easier to be relaxed about it when there is plenty of it! (I wish!)

We pooled our salaries and worked out a budget for household expenditure, so mortgage, childcare, food shopping etc. The difference between our income and basic expenditure was then divided equally between us. This "pocket money" covers all clothes, haircuts, alcohol, meals out etc. We also pay for DD's stuff, odd household items e.g. new saucepan from pocket money and pay 50/50 each.

It seems to work pretty well.

Have only read OP but:

I earn more than dh

all our money goes into a joint account
all bills come out of it
we each spend what we like but would consult on anything expensive/out of the ordinary

But we don't really disagree on stuff, i.e. dh knows my hair is £120 every six weeks
I know he likes Paul Smith shirts, it's fine
we agree when we each need to buy clothes and just do it
EVERYTHING is a joint expense in our house

it works for us.

d'ya know what, that's all been really helpful. Things might be radically changing as part of the reason for doing my elegant spreadsheet was to see if we could afford to move, which would almost double our rent. If we do (and boy do we need to) we will have no choice but to do the one pot system, cos pretty much every penny will be spoken for.

But, it's really nice to know how many of you feel happy with that system. And I'm a bit of a professional pessimist, who likes to plan to avoid things like resentment, which we don't feel now, and may never happen anyway. In fact, almost definitely won't.

Our present budget is likely to be down to zero come Christmas! Homemade chutney and a family calender all round, then...

bumptobabies, i earn way more than dh and i think your situation is very unfair. there's no way, i'd expect him to have to contribute 50% when i earn more. that said, we absolutely don't have joint accounts in this house, oh no!

otoh, i don't feel obliged to sub him either.

DH earns 5 x my salary. We don't have a joint account. He pays mortgage and bills, I pay cleaner and buy wine and most of food.
We are both self employed and having a joint account would not work for us as it would be far too complicated to know where we were.
He can go off on the odd boy weekend and I can buy the odd pair of very nice shoes. Works for us and is very simple.

we have a joint accoutn which pays for everything. I earn about 3x dh and I pay most of my salary into the joint acoutn and he does too - we leave enough in our 'own' acocutns for presents and surprises etc..we never argue about money....

I've only read the OP, so sorry if I'm repeating anyone. We do 1.

I am a SAHM but do occasional bit of work, so all income including child benefit, tax credits etc go into joint account and we have an equal amount of 'pocket money'. We're both happy that it's all joint money like it sounds you are so we kind of make up the rules as we go along. I do the shopping so DH will ask if he can get (eg) beer in the joint money and if we've got a bit extra then I will. If I want a pricey haircut he'd tell me to get it from the joint (although I probabaly wouldn't!).

I think because you're both laid back about it that your sticky issues won't be sticky! Try whichever model you think and work it out as you go along.

(ps I'm having a chuckle to myself because this sounds so much like me! I do the meticulous planning too!)

mmm now i know i have a raw deal. well i am planning towards self solvency, training as a therapist, childbirth educator and doula with a veiw to working with families for two years from conception. it will beat mental health work, more life affirming. i am leaning towards a life alone with dd and ds im just scared of being able to balance the accounts and have a life. i see with so many of you money is not an issue.

DH brings home way more than me. I work PT and is less well paid job. However it truely has never been an issue. All the money goes into one account, everything comes out of that account - bills, spending money, the lot. We have joint saving accounts and investments and we have just one credit card where we both have a card.

DH tends to keep track of the finances. I have never had the interest in doing so - I do other stuff for us. DH is really interested in financial stuff, so makes sense for him to do it. I do, however, know where to find all our stuff if for any reason I need to.

I have never felt like a kept woman at all. I have full access to our money. If I worked FT then we'd be paying out for additional child care, household help, etc - so there are alid reasons for me to not work FT, and that all controbutes to our overal money pot too if you think about it.

If either DH or I are thinking of buying anything big we'd always discuss it anyway - neither of us go out an spend a lot without that.

Anything smaller, we just go and buy it if we want/need it, finances permitting obviously.

Works well for us.

Joint account ever since we moved in together prior to marriage - I've managed the finances from the beginning of our relationship since he's basically too lazy. No trust issues regarding finances, everything is transparent and comes out of the joint account. DH is generally laid back and I like to be in control so it works for us.