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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about not sharing income

102 replies

mummyclimbingframe · 18/10/2020 15:28

So my husband and I have two children and put 55% of our income into a joint account to pay household bills, Rent, childcare etc. The remaining monies are our own to pay for things such as phone bills clothes etc.

I earn close to 10k more than my husband per year and he is now saying as I have had to reduce my hours (losing 5 hours per week) this is to be able to drop our children to school, that we should split any remaining monies down the middle.

Now Iam happy to still contribute the same amount to our shared account Even though I have had a drop in salary. I just don’t see why I should have to share my higher income i have a much more stressful job than my husband and feel I should reap the rewards of that.

Iam not sure if Iam being out of order but for the first 8 years he was on very little money and worked very little hours until around 18 months ago so I have always paid the lions share. So much so I could only afford to take 8 weeks maternity leave with our first child.

OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 18/10/2020 21:39

@PlanDeRaccordement

I earn 3x what my DH does. He works just as hard as I do and just as many hours but is in a public service career which doesn’t pay much despite being valuable to society. A person’s worth and contribution isn’t just by how much they earn. I’ve always made more than him. Always. You could say I’ve carried the family financially for almost thirty years now. But that would be valuing money over everything. His work is no less important than my work. We pool all our money and it is family money. We even make sure we have equal pension pots by me putting in some of my earnings into a pension under his name. He’s done most of the childcare as his job has more flexibility than mine. I think OP you need to decide if you and your DH are a team or not. I don’t understand why you’d have to “beg” him for money if you pool it. That’s never been the case with myself or my DH.
That's quite a different scenario than when one partner decides to only work Part time (before DC) because they just don't fancy working full time.
MojoJojo71 · 18/10/2020 21:39

I think that if there’s a difference in earnings the contribution to bills should be pro rata, e.g. if one of you brought home £2000 a month and the other £3000 then the higher earner should pay a share of the bills in proportion so a 60:40 split

catspyjamas123 · 18/10/2020 22:21

It always suits the one who earns less for there to be a family pot. But it’s not fair to the one who earns more. When you divorce the lower earning one will fleece the higher earning one regardless of whether one was full time or one made sacrifices or whatever - and who looks after the children is barely considered. The law doesn’t care and that’s why it stinks.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 18/10/2020 22:28

lazy men prey on hardworking women

That much is painfully true. And we’re never warned Sad

RaspberryCoulis · 18/10/2020 22:43

Just share. Not much of a marriage if it's all "my money" and "his money" and percentages.

catspyjamas123 · 18/10/2020 22:57

I don’t see why people should share. Are you buying a partner? Buying their company? Buying the commitment? That’s what it felt like to me before I divorced - and of course too expensive to get out of too even though there wasn’t any decent company to really be had. It’s not a partnership if one puts in and the other takes out all the way through.

MamuleMu · 18/10/2020 23:00

Op I think YANBU

We have joint account and money there are for all joint expenses -bills, food,enterntainment, eating out as family or couple,phones, cars, holidays and even family savings and emergency fund. We transfer savings to joint saving account. If I buy anything for child or go on day out with child on my own, I would use joint account, so will do my husband.
We transfer money to this account 50-50.
We sit down once a year and decide family budget: how much we can spend how much we want to save and how much we want to spend on holidays.

All money we got left after transfer to joint account is our personal money.
I am higher earner but there where years when my husband earned more than me.

Works for us.

FinallyHere · 19/10/2020 07:32

The usual MN advice is based on a relatively lower earning, but childcare providing, mother who should then have access to her partner's additional earnings because she facilitates those earnings by looking after the DC

That's not what is happening here.

The higher earner is also cutting hours to look after their DC and already uses the balance of earnings for those DC. Why should the lower earner continue to not support his children and get more of the money ?

Why? Just why?

GinAtMerlottes · 19/10/2020 08:57

Eh? Just because he can’t drop to school (maybe he works nights/earlies?) doesn’t mean he isn’t supporting his children. DH is by far the higher earner here and he does lots of drop offs and picks up as I work shifts. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for the children and regardless, a marriage is a partnership including money and not payment for services rendered.

GinAtMerlottes · 19/10/2020 08:59

Obviously if OP is paying for more family expenses that cancels out anything he might be asking for for fun money. But the easiest way is to pool together, subtract all those expenses and then split the rest.

ssd · 19/10/2020 09:00

I don't get married couples with kids not sharing money in one pot. All this "that's mine this is yours" is ridiculous. Why bother, just get a flatmate and half all the bills.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/10/2020 09:01

In this case he hasn't pulled his weight before kids and is a lazy, work shy wanker Hmm

I also think you should have more money as it's way more expensive being a female with a professional job - for clothes/hair etc

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/10/2020 09:06

In this case he hasn't pulled his weight before kids and is a lazy, work shy wanker hmm

Maybe he WAS work shy by only working part time. But he is not now as he now works full time and supports the family. Situations should be judged on what they ARE not by past transgressions or mistakes.

GinAtMerlottes · 19/10/2020 09:08

Working part time when you have small kids and your partner works full time is work shy?

Come ON. This isn’t even making sense now.

dontdisturbmenow · 19/10/2020 09:09

Love those threads! When it's the other way around, the guy is a selfish tight ass who should be fit rid of immediately! When it's the wife though, it becomes case if !why should age share'!

Could it be that he accepted that you had more disposable income when he chose to work reduced hours but that now that he works FT too, it is only fair to have the same level of disposable income? This seems perfectly fair to me.

If you are concerned that you buy everything for the kids, agree what you both seem necessary for them and both contribute in the pot, but any extra is at your individual expense.

Or agree that you buy extra for the kids but he pays for garden or DIY items.

HermioneWeasley · 19/10/2020 09:10

What does he bring to the relationship?

choli · 19/10/2020 09:10

*lazy men prey on hardworking women

That much is painfully true. And we’re never warned sad*
I would think having eyes in your head would be warning enough but apparently not.

GinAtMerlottes · 19/10/2020 09:11

Exactly @dontdisturbmenow why should they share???!!!?? SHE’S GOT TO GET HER HAIR DONE!!!!

LaurieFairyCake · 19/10/2020 09:11

GinatMerlottes

He was part time before children, just didn't want to work full time

SBTLove · 19/10/2020 09:12

@GinAtMerlottes
Did you miss him working part time for 8 years before kids and now leaves everything to OP, who has barely reduced her hours so hardly part time.

GinAtMerlottes · 19/10/2020 09:16

Where does it say he leaves everything to the OP? It says she drops off, then says they have a good marriage and he is a good father, so I assume that means he does his fair share of adulting.

BiddyPop · 19/10/2020 09:16

If you are open to change, that change should include full transparency of the actual costs of DCs as part of the household. So their clothes, activities, childcare, medical bills etc should all be part of the joint pot that currently covers bills.

Then once the essentials for the family are covered, you can look at what is left of both your salaries and what is fair to each person to have as their own disposable income.

One person having a bit less money but only themselves to spend it on while the other has a little more but a lot of needs to spend it on before any wants for themselves is unfair.

GinAtMerlottes · 19/10/2020 09:17

@SBTLove I do, but what relevance is it to the current situation?

OllyBJolly · 19/10/2020 09:18

I don't get married couples with kids not sharing money in one pot. All this "that's mine this is yours" is ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous at all, just a different way of doing things.

Why bother, just get a flatmate and half all the bills.

Now that is a ridiculous statement! Couples should do what works for them. (and the overwhelming message from these boards is that women should make sure they are protected financially. The "family pot" won't keep you housed and fed if the relationship breaks down)

canigooutyet · 19/10/2020 09:20

Personally what I would do is go through my statements for the past couple of years to work out the average spend on things like the clothes furniture etc. This to be added to the shared pot based on a proportion of the wages.

He's had a long time to make changes to his own earning potential instead of having someone else subsidise him.

His proposed arrangement makes no sense.
You are the one who has to drop your hours and income so why should he expect some as well?

Personal money I don't believe should be split. I've been on both ends of this. How much money I can earn depends on me no-one else. Of course it's nice when someone drops you more money every month but why? IF I didn't live with that person there wouldn't be any extra money.

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